Post # 1
Lately I am finding myself busier and busier with work and things at home are starting to slip up. The house is messy and I just don’t have the time to clean it! The thing is, my SO is not pitching in as much as I would like. Every time I talk to him about this he mentions the things he does and while it is some, it would be like 20% to everything that I do.
I cook each night and he does the dishes, but I clean the bathroom, do the majority of laundry, vacuuming and mopping, dusting, and now that we have a yard, I find myself stuck with the yard work too because he is just hopeless at it! (No joke, the boy can’t figure out a lawn mower!)
I suggested we hire someone to do the yard work because it is getting out of control and he got offended… but he still wont do it. (He finds little excuses every time!)
He leaves for work at 9am each day and is home at 4pm while I leave at 8am and get home generally at 6.30pm, so his hours are much less at work.
Anyone got any tips on how I can make him see that what he does is appreciated, yet he still has much more to contribute! His mother totally spoilt him so for him, putting on a load of laundry once a week, taking out the trash and doing the dishes is a HUGE deal.
Post # 3
I just read the book “His needs, Her needs”. The way they suggest doing it is making a list of all the things that have to be done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. Decide what each of you likes to do or doesn’t mind doing. Then review what is left on the list. Can you compromise? If he tries to help with some laundry will you mow the lawn? If there is still something left on the list that neither of you want to do then you should think about hiring it out if financially possible.
Post # 4
I agree with making a list, and also hiring someone to do the yard work a couple of times a month or however often it needs. Stop doing anything he can do for himself – I’m thinking mostly of his laundry. Just do your own and he can do his. I wouldn’t worry about showing you appreciate what he does, unless he does it for you too – it’s just basic courtesy when you share a house, it doesn’t need a medal 🙂 Why don’t mothers realise they are setting their sons up for a life of disappointing their wives if they spoil them too much! Anyway I am sure you will figure it out – just stick to your guns, be patient and don’t be a doormat 🙂
Post # 5
Well first of all, if you keep doing it, of COURSE he’ll keep letting you! If the house is always clean, he probably doesn’t realize how MUCH there is to do. I know, personally, when Darling Husband was unemployed, i basically said “you don’t work, you take care of it all” and he admitted he was pretty surprised at how MUCH there was to do to keep a house together. You could let him take care of dinner two nights a week. A list is great, then divide it up together.
We have his/hers/joint laundry–it works out GREAT. towels are joint and if you do your own load, be courteous and throw that in there. But i’m responsible for my own laundry and he does his own. It works out great.
The lawn is one thing I definitely do not touch, though! I’d hire someone, too.
Instead of approaching it like “you don’t do your share” approach it like “i’m so overwhelmed with everything–i’m always doing hosuework, i work X hours/day (more than him i see! that’d definitely bug me!)” and try to appeal to his need to help you out b/c you’re overwhelmed. Which is true! But then he won’t be on the defensive immediately
Post # 6
Theres some great ideas there! I think a list sounds like a good idea – he will then get an idea of how much housework is actually done each week. The yard is probably the biggest worry – he doesn’t take responsibility for the work that is to be done there and yet he sees it as his domain. If I do work there he tells me “I was going to do that!” and if I suggest hiring someone “No that costs money, I will do it!”
I like your approach ejs4y8 – how I speak to him will definately determine his reaction! I know he says if I ask him, he will do it, but I am not there most of the time to ask him!
Post # 7
Men work well with lists. Try starting a HONEYDEW (honey do) it helps with a matching honeydew melon picture at the top of it
Post # 8
I agree on the lists! My fiance won’t necessarily “see” that things need cleaning (I could rant here!), so it really helps to make it task-oriented. I also make the list a joint list so we can both see who is doing what. Has made a huge difference!
Post # 9
Hey cupcake, just noticed you’re a fellow Aussie. In that case I suggest your Fiance doesn’t want you OR hired help to work in the garden, because it’s the bloke’s job. What kind of man lets his missus do the yard work? 🙂 Not everyone’s cut out for it though – if he wants to do it, then he needs to step up and get it done. But try to explain that it’s ok if he’s *not* a yard work person – you won’t think any less of him as a man 🙂 Good luck!!!
Post # 10
I’m probably in the minority here but I don’t dance around these issues and I’m no one’s maid or mamma. period. When we moved in together I made sure he knew that we were not going to have a typical girl-does-everything type deal, and we negotiated for what we don’t mind doing. I do the grocery shopping and cooking, he does all yard work and dishes. I do the laundry, he is in charge of all things trash and bug related. Every Saturday morning we take time together to make sure the whole house is clean. Usually I do the kitchen and mop all hard floors while he vacuums the house, the couch, and cleans the bathrooms. I probably spend more time during the week on cooking and laundry than he does on his tasks, but i don’t mind doing those things and I HATE trash and yardwork (and cleaning bathrooms) so to me its a totally fair trade.
And in terms of “he can’t figure out how to work a lawn mower”? bullshit. Sorry to be blunt, but its not rocket science. he will get out of work for as long as you allow him to.
Post # 11
haha, Corgi, I make Darling Husband kill all the buggies, too.
And if i can figure out a lawn mower, so can he. Tell him to youtube it .
Post # 12
@Corgi Your situation sounds pretty identical to ours.
I cook, he does dishes. We both do our own laundry, occasionally doing the other persons laundry if needed. I clean up more than he does, but he waters flowers outside more than me, he takes care of all trash…it’s very balanced. Once a month we have a big cleaning of the house and we split the work right down the middle.
I could never live with somebody who didn’t put in roughly 50% of the housework. Only fair in my mind!
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2009 - Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe
We made a list of what needs to be done daily (dinner, dishes), weekly (garbage out to the curb, gorcery shopping, sweeping), as needed (laundry, vacuuming) and who takes care of bills and such. We each picked things we don’t mind doing and identified things we hate doing (he – shopping, me – bathrooms). We split dinners up 3 for him and 4 for me. That was a few years ago and it’s worked well. I make sure to compliment him when he makes dinner or the bathroom is spotless without me having to hint it’s time for it to be cleaned.
Not sure that helped, but good luck!
Post # 14
We split it up and wrote it down with the flexible option to change in the future if needed. I think your list is lopsided. He should take either laundry or vacuuming. That should help. I feel good about the way we got it set up. I actually feel like I got the good end of the stick. Notice I keep my non-manual labor chores on the list (groceries/finances).
Keeping track/advancing finances, cooking, grocery shopping, mopping/sweeping, tub/toilet (except now I’m preggo so I don’t do bathroom)
Trash, laundry, vacuuming, yard, make the bed– since he wakes up later
I made a big deal about how big and strong he is so he would be better at the ‘hard’ lifting. Laundry is huge b/c it involves folding, washing, drying but notice I only put it on as ONE for him. Sneaky, huh? >>>or blessed
(P.S. he added one day of cooking per week..as long as I buy it for him and tell him exactly what to make. Some days I recruit him to be my souz chef. Dishes is just whoever…usually me, especially when he cooks.)
Post # 15
Well we have had one convo so far – focussing firstly on the garden! Knowing the boy I know I cant overwhelm him with it all in one hit!
He has a week to fix up the yard (He actually made a bet with me about whether or not he will do it! That was his idea) I just said that I do so much around the house (he agreed!) that I really can’t have the stress of the yard work too (and he agreed!) and I said that I know our versions of what is OK are a bit different but the way the yard looks at the moment is stressing me out. So he agreed that he will fix it up.
@808bride – we have also started on the one day a week cooking – he is very similar! The food has to be pretty much laid out for him and I have to have the recipe there for him and talk him through it but it at least means I can have a night at the gym without stressing about food!
So my next step is to see how he goes with the yard and then tackle the inside of the house too!
Thanks for all the advice girls !
Post # 16
Good luck Cupcake, I’ll be interested to see how it goes!!! It’s all about baby steps 🙂 Enjoy your night off from cooking!