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My husband dated someone for a very long time before me. He was not close with her family, but met them a couple times and was with the girl for several years.
Her father passed away a couple days ago and he is planning on going to the funeral without me. I find it strange, because he was never close with the man who died.
Would you care at all about this, or would you just let your hubby go without any qualms?
I don't want to be overly sensitive, but the thought of him seeing his ex and all of her family/siblings really irks me. Maybe it's because I personally would not want to face my ex and all of his family members, and have to give them hugs and friendly greetings because I would just feel awkward.
Why does it hurt you? It's not like he's doing it to be hurtful. He was once close with this girl and, if they parted on good terms, there's no reason he can't go to express his condolences.
I'd be totally fine with it. It's not like his ex is going to try to poach your man or anything.
I wouldn't be too upset about this. He's just trying to be supportive of someone who was in his life for a long time. It doesn't have anything to do with you!
Why don't you go with him?
@sillyme: That's a little strange. I think I would insist on going with him.
@sillyme: Would you really want to go anyway? I mean, its kinda like going to a random funeral. You don't know the deceased or any one there. Let him go do what he needs to do. No reason to worry.
I agree with MissCallieJean.
He wants to pay his respects to her father, he might have been nice to him or something. I know I would go to the Funeral of my ex ( knock on wood). He might be trying to be considerierate of HER feelings, especaily if you are the one after her. Don't take it personally, and be there for him.
I don't think its strange at all...if my previous bf's parent passed, I would want to go to offer my condolences. And I don't think its wierd for him to go without you. The girls father just died - probably not the best time for her to meet his ex's wife.
I don't think it's right that he's insisting on going without you.
@mandypop: Like it would be hard for her to meet her Ex's wife? I would hope not, they dated a very, very long time ago.
@sillyme: A funeral really isn't the best place to introduce someone new--people are distracted and sad and generally in crappy moods. Again: you're not really missing out by not going, and it's not like they're going to hook up or anything (if that's what's making you nervous).
@ OP,
yea, i think it would be bother some. It is an emotionally charged situation, and even if it was a really really long time ago there is still the feeling of i did not mesure up.
Would he be out of town for the night? If not, let it be.
I don't think it's strange at all - I think it's a sign of respect for the girl who was once quite important to him. It doesn't matter if he was close to the father or not.
As for not bringing you - I don't blame him. It would probably be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. His ex-girlfriend's father just died - I think it would be rather tasteless for your DH to go and bring you, the new wife, along to something so emotional and difficult. That would be rather cruel in my opinion.
Don't say another thing about it to him but just be supportive and kind to him. The loss of someone's parent affects all of us differently - maybe it makes one think of the fact that we're all going to lose our parents someday or maybe it makes one think of their own lack of invincibility. Regardless, be supportive of him and put the insecurities away.
ETA: I just read your response about the ex meeting you, the new wife. It doesn't really matter how she feels about it - the point is that your DH wants to go alone. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to bring you along and that should be fine - whether it's because he thinks it's inappropriate, or because he doesn't want to be introducing you to new people, or because he just wants to handle this emotional situation independently, you should accept his decision and let it go.
I would ONLY be upset that he didn't want me to come. I'd throw a stink as calmly as i could. If the situation was reversed i would expect my husband/ FI to come with me. It is perfectly fine to go but to say 'you can't come' uh uh. there's something up with that.
It is crazy to me that some people seriously do not care whatsoever about their significant other seeing their ex. I am not going to tell him not to go, and I have not even voiced an opinion to him at all. He is going to go. But I can't imagine not having the slightest flicker of emotion knowing my SO will see his ex.
I don't think it's crazy to be indifferent to DH seeing his ex. I feel this way because I know she means absolutely nothing to him, which means I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
@Mrs Grape: But if she means absolutely nothing to him, why is he driving a couple hours to a funeral for a man he only met 3 times?
NOT trying to cause conflict, just discussion about the situation!
My fiance's ex is doing a reading at our wedding... hehe... if that makes me crazy, I guess Im crazy :)
Just remember - he chose you!! Any flicker of emotion you have should be a happy one - since you're the one he married, not her! It doesn't mean he can't still care about her as a human being who just lost her father though. I just brought this up with my fiance who is sitting next to me while we watch football. If my ex's mother passed away, he said he would expect that I'd want to go to the funeral, and he would want me to go alone unless I really wanted him to come.
ETA: He will not be going alone. He is going with his mother who was very close to his girlfriend when they dated 9 years ago.
@Mrs Grape: He said "out of respect." I guess that's my answer. I don't want to fight with him about it.
"It is crazy to me that some people seriously do not care whatsoever about their significant other seeing their ex"
@sillyme: Why is this crazy? I think it's a sign of a healthy, trusting relationship that I don't have any insecurities about my DH seeing his ex. He was engaged to this girl at one stage but I don't have the slightest hang up with him running into her. Granted it doesn't happen very often but I can honestly say no, I do not feel the slightest flicker of emotion in hearing that he ran into her. Especially given the situation you've described, I certainly would not have the slightest worry.
Maybe I am crazy as it seems I am lacking the jealousy/insecurity gene. I trust my DH 100% and that's the bottom line.
@sillyme: instead of thinking of negative reasons as to why he has chosen to go, maybe think of the positives. It means you found a great guy that cares about the feelings of others.
@Ree723: I am usually not the jealous type and we never have fights over trust issues. It just brings up a flicker of.. I don't know...something inside of me when I know he is going to see his ex (this happened last summer when he went to his ex's graduation party solo). I trust him, but i still feel SOMETHING when I know he will be seeing them. I usually don't voice my thoughts to him about it because I don't want him to feel untrusted. I just brought up the topic on here to see what other women thought about the situation.
It would bother me. Mostly because I hate my FIs ex. HATE. the thought of her makes my skin crawl. and he feels the same way about my ex. ( there is a long involved story there), however I would go to my Exs Fathers funeral , out of respect of the man. I would expect my ex to not have issue with it, or if he did, tell me exactly why he feels this way. The same goes for me. If he felt the need to go to his exs parents funeral i would understand. He knows that I have chosen him, and he has chosen me , so there is no insecruty there... just generalized dislike.
I think you need to pick your battles. This is not something worth arguing over. Hes going to pay his respects to man that he probably liked at one point and it has nothing to do with you.
It would bother me. I really wouldn't be comfortable with it, and it has nothing to do with trusting my DH or not.
@MsNarwhal: I am not going to fight with him about it. He is going.
My exhusbands grandfathers both passed after we divorced and I went to both their funerals.
It wasn't weird because I had once been a part of their lives. I wanted to pay my respects.
For god sakes I stood holding my ex's new wifes hand during the 21 gun salute and cried with her...it is for paying respects not anything more.
And, him not wanting to bring you...he's right. There is no need for you to go and have to be introduced to these ppl in this sad time.
I think he's spot on with what he wants to do and seems like he's a very respectable man.
I think funerals are such a deeply personal thing that you can't really fault anyone's behaviour around that kind of a situation. My fiance is still friends with a few of his exes, goes to their Christmas parties, and is inviting one to the wedding. If one of their family members died I'd be surprised if he didn't want to go, honestly, to pay his respects and to be a friendly, familiar face to someone who once meant a lot to him and is still a friend.
No I'd not be bothered. I'd want to attend my ex's family's funeral too, if I was told/ invited to pay respects. I'd be pretty upset if that upset my partner...
@sillyme: I would want to go solo too, if I were in that position. I would not want to rish upsetting anyone during this sensitive time, but I would want to show support for someone I once cared for and still care for in some respects (assuming an amicable parting)
I thnk that the fact that he wasn't close to him is odd. I would definitely want to be there. My husband was really close to his ex's mom, so if we learn that she passes and can make it to a viewing or funeral, we plan to go. I have no issues with this, I was friends with both him and the ex, and knew her mom pretty well growing up
@sillyme: I totally agree with you and I think it's strange that so many people don't seem to care at all! I would definitely be bothered by this, especially if he wasn't close with the deceased. It's one thing to send a card, but to go to the funeral is a little inappropriate IMO.
I mean it's a whole other story if he WAS close to the father, then it's understandable why he would want to go and go solo, but he is no longer providing emotional support to his EX or acting as a part of her family so I don't see why he would need to go.
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