(Closed) Stability and Security vs Happiness? Is it enough to rethink your marriage over

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Did I write this?!? I am kinda in the same boat as my SO thinks he might have to relocate when he gets a job in his field when he graduates next year. He has a job now but make half of what I do.

In this economy anything can happen and I dont want to risk that either! I have let him know that when the time comes nearer we can talk about it more, because it is all “what if’s” right now. I am an independent person and cant imagine moving to an unknown area without having a job to go to right away and we have no idea what kind of money he will be making when he gets out of school and starts work in his field of study.

I feel for you girl and I too hope to get some suggestions on what to do.

Post # 4
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

From what you’ve stated, the focus is financial stability and security. What about relationship stability and security? Is it money > FI? 

The topic needs to be approached lovingly and tenderly if you feel there is a risk of hurting your man. We don’t want hurt in relationships. He can’t guarantee you anything about the job, really, because even things that seem secure are failable today. Telling him you won’t entertain the idea unless he can guarantee it is kind of bull-ish; I understand where you’re coming from because you have expressed how afraid and concerned you are. Does he know this?

Tell him your fears. You want to be with him, you want to have a home, family, and be comfortable, but the possibility of relocating freaks you. You’ve been at your job for 13 years. That’s a while and understandably something you’ve come to rely on.

The only thing you can guarantee in life is the love you give people. You control that, you’re in charge of your actions, mind, etc. Money comes and goes, but, in my mind, it should not take precedence over a human being…let alone someone I love. I say this only because I get the impression you two are a bit disconnected on the issue and need some heart-to-heart talks. Slow life down. Take it one day at a time. Otherwise life is scary. 

Post # 5
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have to disagree with HEB. It’s not a money v. fiance equation, as she’s set it up. Your job is creating a stable foundation for both of you; if anything, it’s helping foster your relationship. The economy sucks right now, and your fears are very real. It’s not bull-ish for you not to want to give up a sure thing for a chance. There’s nothing stopping him from applying to jobs out of the area, though. This doesn’t really need to be a concern at all yet imho. Stay where you are and stay in your job while he applies for jobs out of the area. He may have to travel to an interview, but in the grand scheme of things, that cost will be worth it. Then, if he gets a job that is worth moving for, go ahead. It might even be a great opportunity for you to go back to college if he does get something secure and you have to leave your job anyway. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I absolutely wouldn’t move away from a job that’s stable and lucrative enough that it will pay for both of you to survive and him to go to school. Honestly, it’s so hard to find a job right now, even with a degree.

I wouldn’t even count on a union job, honestly. My dad just got laid off after 32 years, and even with all of his seniority, he’s having issues finding another one. 

I don’t think this is an issue of you being too independent. It’s just common sense! Is there any way he can just find a local job?

Post # 7
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

To me it depends on who would have an easier time finding a job.  Back in 2009, we moved across the country when my husband graduated because there were no starting engineering jobs where we were living.  I worked in accounting, which was the easier field to get into.  I didn’t find a job for a year after we moved, but I wasn’t really looking for the first 6 months since I was getting my masters.  But I did find a job eventually, even though I’m not crazy about it.  But my husband has an awesome job and some awesome opportunities that he wouldn’t have if we didn’t move.

Try to think about the two of you as a unit and what is best for both of you.  I would not move until one of you has a job lined up though, and you need to consider if that job is better than the one you have now.

Post # 8
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t count on him getting a job right away. My FI was out of word for a year after graduating and we had to live on my salary alone. Now, he gets paid, but only because he has a living stipend from his PhD program. I would not quit your job until 1) he has  a stable job and 2) you are sure that you can afford to live on  just his salary. Good luck with whatever you choose, the job market is really crappy right now.

Post # 9
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just because you have job security at this moment doesn’t mean that will last forever. He has to have an opportunity to grow himself – to develop a carer as well! Honestly, I htink it is selfish of the OP to not allow them to move for his opportunities. He has worked hard to get to this point…what will be the reward for that effort if he is cut off at the knees? I would not be ok with my husband disallowing a big opportunity like that for me. Why would I do that to him? Also, non-degreed jobs are the least stable in this economy – I think putting all your eggs in that basket is risky at best, regardless of time worked. The unemployment rate for people without degrees is over 10%. The unemployment rate for people WITH degrees is about 5% – the level at which it stays in non-recession time.

I’ll put my eggs in the degree basket, thanks.

Post # 10
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Have you considered doing long-distance for a period of time if he does get a job somewhere else?  My FI and I are having to do long distance for 2 years (only 4 hours away though) because I just graduated and could only find a job in my field that far away.  He has a very stable job where we live now, and I honestly didn’t want him to leave it.  After I’ve gotten 2 years experience, many more job opportunities will be open to me in our original city.  Plus, with us finally having 2 incomes, we’re going to be able to save a lot of money (even after taking into account paying for 2 apartments). 

It’s certainly not ideal, but it’s an option.  Good luck to you and your FI.

Post # 13
Member
5985 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@cruzan1978: First of all, I completly understand where you are coming from here. DH lost his job just a few months after we got married. I had a pretty “secure job” but also a job that is in high demand all over the US (thanks Obama!) atleast for now. We decided to move over 300 miles away from home so he could have more opportunities. I got a great job there and he kept looking once we moved. It took a fwe months but now he makes in the 6 figures! This would have never happened for us if we would not have moved. So, for us it was a great investment and decision. 

HOWEVER, ONE OF YOU MUST HAVE A GREAT JOB in that new location to move there. Honestly, it would be crazy to just relocate without one of you have a great job. Job security is not really something we can rely on these days so I would try not to focus on that. I strongly recommend you both find jobs in that new location BEFORE moving. At the very least, one of you but it better be a damn good one to relocate. 

For us, it only made sense. We make so much more money now than before DH lost his job even. We are so very blessed, relocation was a VERY good move for us. Lastly, make a pro/con list. but you cannot do this until you find jobs. also sit down and go over your expenses. this is HIGHLY important. relocating is tough and the move itself is expensive and time consuming. also, keep in mind insurance. how long will you guys go without health insurance when you are in between jobs? DH and I are very healthy and he got sick in the 3 months we were on cobra and it was expensive! 1000 a month expensive! you MUST account for that stuff when you look at expenses.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk 🙂 Good luck to you! 

Post # 15
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

Issues like this can happen at any time in your relationship. When my family moved to Las Vegas from NY, my parents made the decision to have my dad move first and “try out” the job that he had accepted. He was out here for 6 months alone to decide whether or not it was worth it to have my mom leave her job and move the rest of the family (my siblings, I’d already moved out). My parents had been sucessfully married for 25 years when they had to make this decision (we also weathered a 2 year deployment when my dad was sent to Iraq in 2004). It’s difficult, but not impossible.

You could always stay where you are and apply for jobs in the area if he finds his dream job. If you’re set on going back to school, why not enroll in a college that offers a good online program so that if you do move you wouldn’t need to transfer schools?

I think you’ve gotten some great advice in this thread. I know it’s difficult (my FI and I have discussed moving for his career). /hugs

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