- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
My husband's brother is getting married soon and the bride to be and groom have said all along they planned to have a stag and doe (a fundrasing event for the wedding whereby guests buy a ticket for about $10 and guests also buy their drinks and pay to play games with prizes etc.). A couple typically expects to make several thousand dollars out of the evening. My mother in law is paying for the rental of the hall but other than that we were not aware there was any expectation on the bridal party (my husband is a groomsman) to contribute $ to the event. Our view was (in fact so much so we never even discussed it) that it's their party, and a money-making party at that, and they would obviously be funding the costs (food and prizes for guests) and keeping the surplus.
Well I received an email from a bridesmaid saying that my husband had been delegated the food for the event! I was shocked - not only at the cost (easily $500+) but also the amount of work, shopping, prep, etc. that would be involved and I was particularly stunned by how rude this all seemed - to "delegate" such a cost and task without so much as previously mentioning the expected contribution or asking us what we would or could contribute - so rude! I immediately shut down the providing the food request by saying we were not comfortable with that and we would contribute a prize or similar instead. In my mind I was thinking of a contribution in the neighbourhood of $50 for a prize. Well - we were told to provide the texas mickey (a 3 liter bottle of vodka) prize and some other items for the party - totalling about $200 in cost. My husband says it's easier to just provide it and let it go (even though he agrees it is very rude) but I am steamed. We recently got married ourselves and their contributions were minimal, including their wedding gift. We did not have such a fundraising event - instead we had a wedding we could afford. They are having a very lavish wedding that is far beyond thier means. I also feel that there is a view that we somehow have $ to spare and we were delegated the most expensive contributions (someone for example was delegated the cake - which would cost about $30 to purchase). We are not their personal wedding ATM. I also asked the bride to be what my husband's other brother who is the best man was contributing and the bride pretended to not know the details of who was providing what - yeah right! The real answer is very likely that he is not providing anything even though he lives a perfectly comfortable lifestyle.
So my question is should the bridal party be expected to contribute on such a level and to also provide a wedding gift? I don't feel that we should be expected to give them hundreds $ more than we received from them. I also feel that they should be told that their approach is not correct and we should have been asked and not told. Thoughts welcome!
i think these types of events are absolutely shocking and i'm not afraid to say it. if you can't afford a certain type of wedding without charging admission (which is essentially what is happening with these parties), then have a smaller wedding.
I don't think it's outrageous to have a party like that by itself. We call those types of parties a "Jack and Jill" here (quebec). Is this sort of thing only common in Canada? Anyway, while I think holding a party like that is okay, I definitely do not think anyone should be expected to go or contribute to it. It should just be an attempt by the bride and groom to raise some extra money for their wedding in exchange for a little party for guests that they organized and paid for. No one makes "several thousand dollars" anyway from that kind of thing. A Jack and Jill should not be an attempt to have a huge wedding way past the couple's means and it definitely should be mostly paid for by the couple themselves, not the wedding party! How selfish can you get? I think the couple you're dealing with has been VERY rude.
Just to let you know a lot of people on these boards don't even know what a stag and doe is and so they won't be able to answer your question.
I am kind of in the same boat as I hate the idea of Stag and Doe's and avoid them like the plague. Honestly I think it is disgusting that they expect you to foot the bill and they keep the profit and I honestly would say something to them about it. From what I understand is that either the wedding party hosts the Stag and Doe if VOLUNTEERING for the position. But I would be appalled if someone asked me to contribute!!!!! In my mind the should keep the PROFITS; therefore, they should foot the bill and keep what they make on the party - not have their bridal party foot the bill.
If I were you I would talk to them and say you will contribute X (a door prize or something) but cannot afford to do the food. But that you will help with set-up, take-down and the running of the event. (which I assume is expected of you both as well!)
Good Luck!
Okay, I need to step in and say two things here:
#1. This is a very regional tradition, and it seems absolutely foreign to certain people. Let's all try to keep an open mind before we pass judgment onto the traditions of others; and stick to the point the OP is trying to make.
#2. Although it is very true that some couples throw stag & does as a way to offset the costs of a wedding far beyond their means, this is not true for all couples. The tradition of the stag & doe began as a form of a community coming together in a social event to celebrate and help out the bride & groom, and many communities still hold true to this tradition, regardless of what type of wedding the bride and groom are having, and what type of personal contributions/income they are putting toward their wedding. It certainly does not pay for the entire wedding by any means, unless the bride & groom are having an extremely low-cost wedding.
@deathbydesign summed it up pretty well. Basically, these events are an open social gathering (formal invitations, obligations and RSVPs need not apply) and guests can spend whatever they'd like - some places will charge a "cover fee" to get in, but it is normally $5-$10. Attendees enter draws and play games at minimal costs to win prizes and cash. It is 100% optional and voluntary, and in all cases I've been involved in, friends and family have certainly not been bothered or felt it has been particualry invasive or disgusting to attend and spend $20 on a game whose profits will go to the bride & groom (especially when they are playing for a chance to win something)
That being said, I do think that the things you are being asked to provide are outrageous. In my experience hosting (as a family member and bridal party member) and attending a Stag & Doe, all costs are minimal. I have never been "asked" or have volunteered to spend any more than $20-$30 because the bride & groom have hosted the event. I've donated prizes, made food dishes, etc. I certainly was not forced to, or pressured to, spend upwards of $200. If you are not comfortable with that event, just say so!
@Miss Bubbles: i have to respectfully disagree. i don't think there is ever an acceptable occasion where you can charge admission for a party.
I would just like to say I am from Canada (the lower mainland and up north...) I HAVE NEVER EVER heard of an event like this...fundraising for your wedding is crazy.
Anyways....to the OP I would just state that you have purchased a prize gift already but the suggestion of the booze was nice etc. If you really cant afford it, i would respectfully decline being a part of the party and dont go.
What nerve. Write back to the bridesmaid and tell her you're sorry, but that won't be possible and TELL HER what you're williing to do as in, "but we would be happy to contribute $50 to the event.
@pinkposey: for our own stag and doe, and others I've been invovled in, the wedding party helps out, but it isn't a burden to anyone. For ours, the guys looked after games and prizes, and the girls looked after the food. I would say that it maybe cost each person $30. Example, a groomsan was responsible for buying a 18-pack of beer for a prize, and a bridesmaid was responsible for making a potato salad. Then we let them drink for free, so it pretty much evened out in the end. We paid for the hall and the dj, the meat, and other misc expenses.
We aren't having a lavish wedding, the stag and doe raised us $2000, but we didn't change the tone of our wedding based on the money that we made.
Sounds like this bride and groom are being greedy, which can often happen.
In regards to the Bee - People need to understand that these things are regional, much like a money dance. I encourage you to check out Mrs Ballet Flat's recaps on the money dance. No one looked begrudged to participate, the same goes for a stag and doe. In my area we were asked on numerous occassions when our stag and doe was and where they could buy tickets. It's a party and a celebration and people are happy to support. If they aren't happy to or feel they can't support, then they choose not to be involved.
If you don't know what a stag and doe is, then don't comment.
@Miss Bubbles: I have to agree 100% with what you said.
I am from an area in Canada where these parties are thrown all the time. Most couples that are getting married here have one. Please do not judge couples that have them, it's really just a fun way to spend a night with friends and family who want to support you and help with your wedding costs. No one is forcing anyone to go.
I think that what is being asked of the OP is really rude and I know where I am from the Bride and Groom front the whole cost of the party.
@Beesgf - thank you, thank you, thank you. I just have to keep reminding myself, "it's a regional thing and 'outsiders' maybe do not understand" when I wonder how people consider this to be such an obtrusive, invasive burden. Luckily I have an open enough mind to understand they just aren't "used" to such an idea without passing judgment. Unfortunately it doesn't always work vice-versa.
what the heck man?? i think i am more irritated that the BM keeps emailing YOU about what your husband should provide. Seriously, they expect the groomsman to cook and prep all the food? of course not. she expects YOU to prep and cook all the food. when you are a GUEST!!
Dude!! i would totally email her back. and tell her that, as you are not a member of the bridal party, maybe she should direct all these unreasonable requests to hubs. further, id let her know off bat that your family will not be contributing any more than $50 and your husbands time to set up for this event.
the nerve of some people. ive never been to a stag and doe, but we've all been to potlacks. when has one person EVER been asked to provide ALL the food at a potluck? what the heck is wrong with people????
@Miss Bubbles: yes. sigh.
On the other hand, in a way I feel bad that people dont' get to have these. They can be REALLY FUN and a let's be honest, a little cash doesn't hurt! We have a guy in our office from the states working here and we was asking what a stag and doe was when he heard we were having one. Although he had never heard of it, he thought it was a cool idea. Our's was like a big house party. It was a blast! My 80 year old grandparents even came and stayed until it was over at 2:00am! :)
Anyways, this has little to do with the OP. I hope said bride and groom lighten up and enjoy the evening. Stop worrying about making money and start worrying about having a blast!
@Beesgf: That is so awesome that your Grandparents came! I have never heard of having them at a house before but that is such a great idea. It would have totally saved me the $1600 hall rental fee.
Ours is coming up on Oct. 23 and I can't wait to see everyone, dance and have a few drinks!
@brittsnead23: no, it was at a hall. The reception room at a legion actually. It felt like a house party, which was awesome. My grandparents weren't going to come and then they thought they should and they had a great time visiting with family - and then eventually sitting in the corner people watching! lol
Have fun at yours! The most you can ask for is that your break even...whatever is left after that is gravy!
I did not know what a Stag & Doe was until I read your post, but I do get the gist of it. I assume it is a regional thing, just like the commonality of money dances in my culture. I personally do not favor these type of events, but to each his own.
I think the approach of the couple was inconsiderate and something they should have brought up when they asked you to be part of the bridal party (especially since they were planning the event all along). It is rude to expect the bridal party to shoulder the cost of their party. That's like inviting guests to your birthday party and having them provide for your space, food, drinks, utensils, and gifts. Very pressumptive!
I would tell the bride and groom what you can afford, hand them the money and be done with it. Good luck!
im of the opinion that just because people do it commonly, doesnt make it less rude. people cut people off in the roads all the time. people cuss at their children all the time. people have expectations of their wedding party all the time.
but i guess since this party is optional, and hopefully guests would know the idea behind it, they can opt not to go, or to spend minimally. althought i imagine people feel obligated to go or be seen as cheap. so people may not feel like they can decline the invitation.
its my opinion that if a couple is not mature enough to financially host their own wedding, or to accept the kind of wedding they can afford, then they probably arent mature enough to be getting married.
i would never ask my friends or family to give me money to throw a party. i wouldnt ask them to help me "fundraise" for it.
i would NOT be ok with being asked to contribute to this party if i were in the WP. it should be a volunteer basis, also i did NOT expect anyone to throw me a shower, or bparty. and when they did, i was very thankful and offered hostess gifts to both.
@Miss Bubbles you totally sumed it up. As a bridesmaid I've only been asked to contribute a prize (or two) to the stag and does I've participated in. I really think the bride and groom are asking too much from the bridal party on this one, while it's nice to break even and make money, it shouldn't be by breaking the banks of your wedding party.
@thefiancemeenah: I think that you completly missed the point of this post. The OP was not asking anyone if they thought that throwing the Stag and Doe was rude, she was asking if the situtation they were put in was rude.
If you think that the event is rude than just don't go. There are lots of things on the boards and IRL that I think are rude but I just bite my tongue maybe you should do the same. Maturity has nothing to do with throwing a Stag or Doe it's about supporting the couple that are getting married.
There are lots of traditions that are considered inappropriate today. Is there anyone on the boards who has parents that are giving a dowry? Because that was tradition at one point.
I'm sorry, but tradition or not, in this day and age, it is not acceptable to charge for a party. this isn't the middle ages. Today all types of weddings are completely accepted, including small ones, outdoor bbq ones, getting married for free on the beach, etc...
Times change, so do traditions.
I grew up in part of Canada where stag and does were common (Ont.) and normal but I now live in an area where it is not (BC). So I did grow up going and being invited (and still receive invites through facebook) to stag and does. I do remember it being a fundraising event and it was not just for close family and friends, but mainly as a fundraising event for the bride and groom to be. I dont ever recall anyone except for the bride and groom being responsible for the stag and does (apart from selling the tickets and getting everyone to buy drinks, food, and participate in games).
It is horrible that they ask anyone in the wp to pay for major items or any items at all. At this point I would just volunteer to help sell tickets as I think they have crossed the line with their demands of you and your husband.
Hope this helps.
@pinkposey: AND
@DeathByDesign: I haven't finished reading the posts yet, but I'm from Vancouver, and had never heard of this kind of party until my husband's cousin in Winnipeg invited us to theirs. They call it a "wedding social". I think the tradition comes to an abrupt stop once you hit Saskatchewan.
ETA - now I've read all the posts. Yes, I think they're being unreasonable asking you to contribute all the food. That's crazy.
As far as stag and doe parties go, I think they often take place in smaller towns, where perhaps there's not much of a night life. Our family that goes to these parties never seem put out, and just see it as a night out. You wouldn't think twice about spending $100 going for dinner and a show if you lived in a big city. In some towns you have to make your own fun.
I am giving up on this thread. Opening and reading this thread has become my equivalent to repeatedly smashing my head against a wall. I really have a problem with closed-mindedness and people's refusal to open their minds to things that they are not familiar with, hence the reason I am not extremely active on these boards. Honestly, when you have several people clearly explaining what these events are, and you still get comments accusing the bride & groom for not being "mature" enough to financially host their own wedding, I am just throwing in the towel.
@Miss Bubbles: I agree. People are being incredibly closed minded. If you came from parts of the world where Jack & Jill/ Stag & Doe parties are normal, you wouldn't think anything of it. No one is obligated to go or contribute and no one around here finds it rude or overbearing. Infact, friends and family are delighted to go out to a party and support the couple at the same time!
I once went to a Filipino wedding where during the first dance people went up and pinned 20, 50 and 100 dollar bills to their clothing. Coming from a place where no one does this, I thought it was very weird and inappropriate, but different cultures have different traditions and clearly no one there thought this was weird or inappropriate.
It's unbelievable that they expect you to provide food!! As others have said, I'd firmly state what (if anything) you are willing to contribute to the evening. It sucks that they put you in this position in the first place though - it is always difficult (for me anyway), to refuse to do something you've been asked to do, even when it is something crazy like supplying all the food for somebody else's party. :) Good luck and stick to your guns.
I'm going to give it one last shot at explaining...
Think of your Saturday night, you live in a big city and want to go out with your girl friends, so you get dressed up, go to a nice dinner ($60) and head to one of the many clubs ($15 cover) you spend the night drinking (@ $6/drink plus tip) and dancing and having a good time. All in all you spend, say $120 for the night.
Now it's Saturday night in a small town, there are a total of 2 bars in the entire place, nearest movie theatre is 30 min drive away. But X & Y are having a Stag and Doe, so you head over the the legion with your girlfriends. $10 gets you in, drinks are $4, and the food's free. You play a few games, one of your friends gets lucky and wins a gift basket with some wine and chocolate, you dance, even the Bride's father is busting out his moves. At the end of the night you get lucky and end up walking away with the door prize - a new blu ray player. In the end you spend $100 and walk out with a $200 blu ray player.
Both a great nights out with your friends, the only difference is that the profits from the Stag & Doe (if there are any) go to the Bride and Groom (who you may or may not know) as opposed to some random company.
@jimbert321: awesome. I'm from Western Canada, and haven't attended or known anyone to have a stag and doe, BUT I totally understand. I wish people would stop bashing others traditions. Of course you can have your opinion, but that's all it is, your opinion. Doesn't mean it's right or wrong.
For the record, I have never heard of these parties before Wedding Bee and don't quite understand them. That said, I think some comments poster earlier were totally uncalled for. The OP was simply asking about this particular situation, NOT whether people agree with the Stag and Doe concept.
@pinkposey: I would offer $50 or whatever you are comfortable with and tell them that is what you have to give. I think that demanding you need to cover $500 is ridiculous. Hope it works out!
@jimbert321: I understand where the concept of a stag and doe came from but what I don't understand is why people in big cities are now doing them!?
However, I don't really care if other people do them. I just refuse to go to them because I don't agree with the concept.
And once again a stag and doe thread has been hijacked from the OPs original question. Many people are NEVER going to agree with the concept (even people from regions that have stag and does, like me) and they have a right to their opinion.
To the OP, as I said before. I think you and your husband need to decide what you are willing to contribute and commit your time too and tell the bride and groom that that is what you can afford. I don't think you should just suck it up and do it because that results in your friends taking advantage of you which really isn't good for the friendship.
Good Luck with it!
This is not just a Canada thing! I am from NW Pennsylvania and TONS of couples do this and call them Stag and Drags (drag your friends). They are a decent time b/c there's not much else going on up there and yes, my friend once made $3000 from hers - she had one heck of a party! (No, we are not doing one even though we were asked by several people lol).
To the OP: that is absolutely outrageous and i would only offer the $50 prize or booze to contribute. If the bride and groom are asking you guys to pay for their party i would literally laugh in their face! Good luck - yikes!
@jimbert321: I think that's a better example of exactly what I was trying to say.
I'm a Canadian (Maritimes) and I have never heard of this before, but that is neither here nor there for the purpose of the OP's question.
I agree with previous posters - decide what (if anything) you are comfortable donating, and then let them know. I can't believe they're asking you to contribute $500!
I am a Canadian and I have been to Stag and Doe's or Jack and Jill's what ever you want the to call them, they are the same thing. But let me add that they are nothing like what you have describe!! At least in Newfoundland they are not! I am shocked at what this couple are doing! It's a little outragous!! Stage and Doe's in Newfoundland are a bachlorette and bachelor party in one! Basically, the Groom and Bride elect to have a party together in one location instead of having seperate parties. And the Bridesmaids and Groomsmens are responsiable for the planning of the party together, food, decor, etc. There is no fund raising involved and It is often BYOB if it's not at a bar. They are actually pretty fun! I know one Bride who wanted to have a Stag and Doe because she didn't trust the Best Man to plan a bachelor party that did not end up getting the Groom in trouble. And another couple who simlpy wanted to enjoy the time with all their friends together instead of apart. So that's what a Newfie version of these parties at least. =)
pinkposey I am also from Ontario where these parties are very common, and I think they are fun, and completly appropriate when they are held in areas where they are common practice.
However, it is not okay for them to ask you to spend $500 towards the food for the party. Asking for help in set up, for being responsible for a smaller item, such as one poster saying she shared in the cost of food and it was about $30.
To all the people who have responded saying that a "Stag and Doe", "Social" or "Jack and Jill" is inappropriate, tacky or anything else, I think you should step back and understand that this a regional custom that is perfectly acceptable. There are other customs that I find tacky, one for example being the money dance. It was something that surprised and shocked me since it isn't something that is common IN MY EXPERIENCE. However, I realive it is very common and I would never respond to a thread about a money dance in the way some of the posters here have.
Remember that we all agreed to "Avoid Snarkiness" and I think that many of you are judging other peoples customs, and being very snarky.
I'm from Canada, close to the American Boarder. Stag & Does are really common here and I'm invited to them all time. Many people go even if they don't know the bride and groom. Others may buy a ticket (usually $5-10) and don't go. But they do it a as a sign to show support of the bride and groom.
From my knowledge it is usually minimal costs involved and many people try to get prizes donated to them. Is basically a good night out to drink and play games without having to go to a bar or whereever. People ask me all the time when we are having ours and I went to one just a few days ago. Its basically a good time to be had by all and a fun night out in order to show support.
I have not HOWEVER heard of having to pay $500 for food etc. The last one I went to we had salad, cheese platter, crackers, pasta, veggie tray, pizza and some cookies. Everyone had a great time and they made a good amount of money. The men really got into a mini golf game and made bets with w/e the money going to them the other to the bride and groom.
If your not comfortable I would say so and tell them (if you want to) you simply cannot afford it. $500 is alot of money for food for a stag and doe.
I have never heard of this until the Bee, but OP, I think you need to point blank tell this girl that you are only comfortable contributing $50 to the party, and that's it.
I'm from Eastern Ontario, where they seem pretty common. I get that the point; but I still think that it's a pain in the ass.
I was in a wedding last year and they ONLY had the stag and doe because they knew they'd make money. Their parents rented the hall, and aunts and mothers prepared the food. Wedding party was expected to help making the food, decorating the hall, and then the night of, selling tickets at the door, selling 50/50 tickets, putting the food out, and then cleaning up everything at the end of the night.
Although we didn't have to contribute a lot financially (other than our own ticket, drinks that night, and were expected to play the games), we did "work" an entire Saturday.
There were a few door prizes, but the couple had bought them themselves (basically, they knew they'd be making the money back), and obviously the 50/50.
There had been an ad in the local paper the week before for their stag n doe and it was open to everybody in the community.
I dislike those parties, and although I get facebook invites every once in a while, I'll only to the ones where I'm actually invited to the wedding!!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| kate02121 | 12 |
| rachgirl82 | 11 |
| ndreighton | 11 |
| louiseW | 9 |
| ozpeony | 7 |
| cbeyelia | 6 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| crazyinlove | 5 |
| takemyhand | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| SutSip | 1 |
| kate02121 | 1 |
| arbuzunia | 1 |
| mrs.stormylove | 1 |
