Post # 1
My husband’s brother is getting married soon and the bride to be and groom have said all along they planned to have a stag and doe (a fundrasing event for the wedding whereby guests buy a ticket for about $10 and guests also buy their drinks and pay to play games with prizes etc.). A couple typically expects to make several thousand dollars out of the evening. My mother in law is paying for the rental of the hall but other than that we were not aware there was any expectation on the bridal party (my husband is a groomsman) to contribute $ to the event. Our view was (in fact so much so we never even discussed it) that it’s their party, and a money-making party at that, and they would obviously be funding the costs (food and prizes for guests) and keeping the surplus.
Well I received an email from a bridesmaid saying that my husband had been delegated the food for the event! I was shocked – not only at the cost (easily $500+) but also the amount of work, shopping, prep, etc. that would be involved and I was particularly stunned by how rude this all seemed – to “delegate” such a cost and task without so much as previously mentioning the expected contribution or asking us what we would or could contribute – so rude! I immediately shut down the providing the food request by saying we were not comfortable with that and we would contribute a prize or similar instead. In my mind I was thinking of a contribution in the neighbourhood of $50 for a prize. Well – we were told to provide the texas mickey (a 3 liter bottle of vodka) prize and some other items for the party – totalling about $200 in cost. My husband says it’s easier to just provide it and let it go (even though he agrees it is very rude) but I am steamed. We recently got married ourselves and their contributions were minimal, including their wedding gift. We did not have such a fundraising event – instead we had a wedding we could afford. They are having a very lavish wedding that is far beyond thier means. I also feel that there is a view that we somehow have $ to spare and we were delegated the most expensive contributions (someone for example was delegated the cake – which would cost about $30 to purchase). We are not their personal wedding ATM. I also asked the bride to be what my husband’s other brother who is the best man was contributing and the bride pretended to not know the details of who was providing what – yeah right! The real answer is very likely that he is not providing anything even though he lives a perfectly comfortable lifestyle.
So my question is should the bridal party be expected to contribute on such a level and to also provide a wedding gift? I don’t feel that we should be expected to give them hundreds $ more than we received from them. I also feel that they should be told that their approach is not correct and we should have been asked and not told. Thoughts welcome!
Post # 3
i think these types of events are absolutely shocking and i’m not afraid to say it. if you can’t afford a certain type of wedding without charging admission (which is essentially what is happening with these parties), then have a smaller wedding.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s outrageous to have a party like that by itself. We call those types of parties a “Jack and Jill” here (quebec). Is this sort of thing only common in Canada? Anyway, while I think holding a party like that is okay, I definitely do not think anyone should be expected to go or contribute to it. It should just be an attempt by the bride and groom to raise some extra money for their wedding in exchange for a little party for guests that they organized and paid for. No one makes “several thousand dollars” anyway from that kind of thing. A Jack and Jill should not be an attempt to have a huge wedding way past the couple’s means and it definitely should be mostly paid for by the couple themselves, not the wedding party! How selfish can you get? I think the couple you’re dealing with has been VERY rude.
Post # 5
Just to let you know a lot of people on these boards don’t even know what a stag and doe is and so they won’t be able to answer your question.
I am kind of in the same boat as I hate the idea of Stag and Doe’s and avoid them like the plague. Honestly I think it is disgusting that they expect you to foot the bill and they keep the profit and I honestly would say something to them about it. From what I understand is that either the wedding party hosts the Stag and Doe if VOLUNTEERING for the position. But I would be appalled if someone asked me to contribute!!!!! In my mind the should keep the PROFITS; therefore, they should foot the bill and keep what they make on the party – not have their bridal party foot the bill.
If I were you I would talk to them and say you will contribute X (a door prize or something) but cannot afford to do the food. But that you will help with set-up, take-down and the running of the event. (which I assume is expected of you both as well!)
Post # 6
Okay, I need to step in and say two things here:
#1. This is a very regional tradition, and it seems absolutely foreign to certain people. Let’s all try to keep an open mind before we pass judgment onto the traditions of others; and stick to the point the OP is trying to make.
#2. Although it is very true that some couples throw stag & does as a way to offset the costs of a wedding far beyond their means, this is not true for all couples. The tradition of the stag & doe began as a form of a community coming together in a social event to celebrate and help out the bride & groom, and many communities still hold true to this tradition, regardless of what type of wedding the bride and groom are having, and what type of personal contributions/income they are putting toward their wedding. It certainly does not pay for the entire wedding by any means, unless the bride & groom are having an extremely low-cost wedding.
@deathbydesign summed it up pretty well. Basically, these events are an open social gathering (formal invitations, obligations and RSVPs need not apply) and guests can spend whatever they’d like – some places will charge a “cover fee” to get in, but it is normally $5-$10. Attendees enter draws and play games at minimal costs to win prizes and cash. It is 100% optional and voluntary, and in all cases I’ve been involved in, friends and family have certainly not been bothered or felt it has been particualry invasive or disgusting to attend and spend $20 on a game whose profits will go to the bride & groom (especially when they are playing for a chance to win something)
That being said, I do think that the things you are being asked to provide are outrageous. In my experience hosting (as a family member and bridal party member) and attending a Stag & Doe, all costs are minimal. I have never been “asked” or have volunteered to spend any more than $20-$30 because the bride & groom have hosted the event. I’ve donated prizes, made food dishes, etc. I certainly was not forced to, or pressured to, spend upwards of $200. If you are not comfortable with that event, just say so!
Post # 7
@Miss Bubbles: i have to respectfully disagree. i don’t think there is ever an acceptable occasion where you can charge admission for a party.
Post # 8
@Ms. Meowerson – which is why I’ve prefaced my opinion with Point #1.
Post # 9
I would just like to say I am from Canada (the lower mainland and up north…) I HAVE NEVER EVER heard of an event like this…fundraising for your wedding is crazy.
Anyways….to the OP I would just state that you have purchased a prize gift already but the suggestion of the booze was nice etc. If you really cant afford it, i would respectfully decline being a part of the party and dont go.
Post # 10
@Baileyh: oooo this is an excellent suggestion!!!
Post # 11
What nerve. Write back to the bridesmaid and tell her you’re sorry, but that won’t be possible and TELL HER what you’re williing to do as in, “but we would be happy to contribute $50 to the event.
Post # 12
@pinkposey: for our own stag and doe, and others I’ve been invovled in, the wedding party helps out, but it isn’t a burden to anyone. For ours, the guys looked after games and prizes, and the girls looked after the food. I would say that it maybe cost each person $30. Example, a groomsan was responsible for buying a 18-pack of beer for a prize, and a bridesmaid was responsible for making a potato salad. Then we let them drink for free, so it pretty much evened out in the end. We paid for the hall and the dj, the meat, and other misc expenses.
We aren’t having a lavish wedding, the stag and doe raised us $2000, but we didn’t change the tone of our wedding based on the money that we made.
Sounds like this bride and groom are being greedy, which can often happen.
In regards to the Bee – People need to understand that these things are regional, much like a money dance. I encourage you to check out Mrs Ballet Flat’s recaps on the money dance. No one looked begrudged to participate, the same goes for a stag and doe. In my area we were asked on numerous occassions when our stag and doe was and where they could buy tickets. It’s a party and a celebration and people are happy to support. If they aren’t happy to or feel they can’t support, then they choose not to be involved.
If you don’t know what a stag and doe is, then don’t comment.
Post # 13
@Miss Bubbles: I have to agree 100% with what you said.
I am from an area in Canada where these parties are thrown all the time. Most couples that are getting married here have one. Please do not judge couples that have them, it’s really just a fun way to spend a night with friends and family who want to support you and help with your wedding costs. No one is forcing anyone to go.
I think that what is being asked of the OP is really rude and I know where I am from the Bride and Groom front the whole cost of the party.
Post # 14
@Beesgf – thank you, thank you, thank you. I just have to keep reminding myself, “it’s a regional thing and ‘outsiders’ maybe do not understand” when I wonder how people consider this to be such an obtrusive, invasive burden. Luckily I have an open enough mind to understand they just aren’t “used” to such an idea without passing judgment. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work vice-versa.
Post # 15
what the heck man?? i think i am more irritated that the BM keeps emailing YOU about what your husband should provide. Seriously, they expect the groomsman to cook and prep all the food? of course not. she expects YOU to prep and cook all the food. when you are a GUEST!!
Dude!! i would totally email her back. and tell her that, as you are not a member of the bridal party, maybe she should direct all these unreasonable requests to hubs. further, id let her know off bat that your family will not be contributing any more than $50 and your husbands time to set up for this event.
the nerve of some people. ive never been to a stag and doe, but we’ve all been to potlacks. when has one person EVER been asked to provide ALL the food at a potluck? what the heck is wrong with people????
Post # 16
@Miss Bubbles: yes. sigh.
On the other hand, in a way I feel bad that people dont’ get to have these. They can be REALLY FUN and a let’s be honest, a little cash doesn’t hurt! We have a guy in our office from the states working here and we was asking what a stag and doe was when he heard we were having one. Although he had never heard of it, he thought it was a cool idea. Our’s was like a big house party. It was a blast! My 80 year old grandparents even came and stayed until it was over at 2:00am! 🙂
Anyways, this has little to do with the OP. I hope said bride and groom lighten up and enjoy the evening. Stop worrying about making money and start worrying about having a blast!