(Closed) Stag/Doe…Jack/Jill. What do you bees think?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it in poor taste, tacky, to "fundraise" for a wedding.
    I would never do it, I will save or accept help from my/our parents only : (80 votes)
    82 %
    I think it is a great idea, why not have others help us for our big day! : (18 votes)
    18 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1537 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I don’t like the idea personally, but I think it can be done successfully if you’re really mindful of the ways you go about it. If you go ahead with one don’t “expect” too much from people and always remember to be respectful of buget limits in some people’s lives.

    Post # 4
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I dont think its acceptable to ask anyone to help pay for your wedding.  I think if you want to do cash only for gifts, or a honeyfund etc.  something less in your face youre paying for my extravagant day but I dont think Fundraising is a good idea.  You should do what you can afford.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7175 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I think if people want to help you with your wedding, they will – regardless if there is a party for that purpose.  That said – I don’t think you should have a party for that purpose!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1872 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I respect the fact that this is a regional tradition and can see that in certain areas the idea of a wedding is much more community-oriented. I think that’s nice if it’s your tradition.

    But I am not from such a region and it’s just in poor taste to me to have guests pay for any part of your wedding, as eseds put it. I’m going to put it in a much less elegant way: why would I pay you to hang out with you at your wedding? When you ask people over for dinner you don’t say, “Good, so we’ll see you Friday night. Oh, and that’ll be $50 for both your steaks.”

    Post # 7
    Member
    11327 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I’m going to have to go with JennyW on this one… I had never heard of such a thing before I saw a few posts about it around the ‘bee. Personally if I was invited to one of these I’d be kind of appalled. But then again– no one around here does them so it’d be a big surprise! I think if that is what is “done” in your family then whatever, go for it. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I usually don’t comment on this board but I have to give my opinion on this one.

    There are a lot of places where these events are considered normal and have been happening for over 30 years.  Here is a good way to think of them…you are from a small town with nothing to do on a Saturday night so you go to a social.  It costs $10 to get in and drinks are $3 and instead of supporting your local bar you are supporting a couple that is getting married.  You spend $20 on silent auction and have a chance to win some awesome prizes, dance, free night lunch and hang out with friends. Sounds like a fun night to me!  I have heard “If you cant afford it you should have it” so many times on this board but the people that show up to the social want to support you and help with the wedding no one is being forced to come.

    I might be a little biased since we just had our social last weekend.  It was a super fun event with 350 people.  We danced, drank and gave out some amazing prizes (Xbox, Flat screen TV, BBQ, etc).  We feel so blessed by all the people that showed up to support us. We cleared $10,000 and are blown away.

    Keep in mind places that have socials will not do the Money Dance at the wedding which until I read what it was on the Bee I had no idea what it was but is a similar idea of people giving money towards the wedding.

    I just ask that people keep an open mind when it comes to social.  It is a regional thing and does not happen everywhere.  There are some events that happen at other weddings that I know are regional so I do not judge.

    Post # 9
    Member
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    It’s the norm where I’m from.

    I’m not put off by it at all even though I’m not having one.  I have a couple reasons.  1- short engagement and too busy planning the wedding, and 2- feel bad if people come to assist in raising funds for the wedding but won’t be invited.

    Post # 10
    Member
    464 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    We’re having one, but it is more like a big fun party night and less about the wedding for us. The majority of people who get married in my area have them so nobody is shocked, and it’s not at all like asking people to pay $50 to come over for dinner. It’s like having a dance where we’ve hired a bartender, dj and have tons of fun games and raffle prizes for people to win and it costs $5 to get in. It’s just a fun night out for everybody and they would easily pay more than that to get into any of the good bars after paying cover charge.

    My FI is military and we’ve having it at the military base so all of the drinks will be super cheap for everyone who is attending, so even after paying to get in, it’s still cheaper to go and hang out at our party than it is to go drinking at any other bar.

    Plus, just because we’re having one doesn’t mean that we aren’t capable of saving money for our own wedding. We already have enough saved for that and are paying for the wedding ourselves, but it’s nice to replace  some of the money in our savings if people feel like coming out for the night.

    Post # 11
    Member
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    They’re really typical around here, probably half of the weddings I’ve been to have had a Jack & Jill beforehand. I have only ever attended two, both for close friends who likely would have been quite upset if DH and I didn’t show up. The whole concept of them makes me really uncomfortable because in my experience/circle of friends, it doesn’t have anything to do with the more “social” aspect that brittsnead mentioned. I don’t come from a small town where that’s the only thing to do on a Friday night. It’s truly about the fundraising when I’ve gone. I don’t know, it’s just really not my thing although it’s not like I would ever stop being friends with someone because they had one, I would just choose not to go.

    Post # 12
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I am shocked to see how many people don’t know what a stag and doe is, and the number of people that are appalled by it!!!!  It’s kind of dishearting, the number of people that do not respect other traditions.

     I come from a small town in southwestern ontario (1000 people), my highschool had 350 people, and this is a very common tradition in our community!  Every one in town that knows you are engaged is always asking “when is your stag and doe, we are so excited for it!”  I remember in highschool sneaking into stag and does all of the time, I never knew the couple..but was happy to spend money on alcohol and party with my friends (because there wasn’t really anything else to do on weekends).  

    We will be having a stag and doe, and I really do not care about how much money we make, we will only have $5.00 tickets.  It’s a time for us to party with friends we haven’t seen since highschool, our current friends, and our families.  Expecially since we can’t have a wedding with 350+ people, we can atleast have a stag and doe so we can share the celebration of our engagement and marriage with all of these people!  I have never had any issues supporting a stag and doe, because you are supporting people who will likely come to your stag an doe and support you as well..and if not..who cares?  We get to drink, party, and eat great food all night long!!!  You can’t go to a bar in a busy city and pretty much have a highschool reunion, like you can when you go to a stag and doe..I would much rather go an support the stag and doe, then I would a bar.  

    Stag and does also vary.  We have been to some in St. Catharines, Ontario where there were only 50 people, which was a shock to us because the stag and does we normally go to back home have 150-350+ 

    Hopefully people can respect the ideas of stag and does, and realize for the most part..it isn’t a money grab, but time to spend partying with friends and family, and you get to host an awesome party!!! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    335 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m not a fan of Jack and Jills personally, but that’s also because all of the ones I’ve been invited to lately we were literally harrassed for a month to attend. I felt very pressured and annoyed by it all, especially considering 2 of the jack/jills we were invited to, the tickets were $70 for my DH and I to go!! That’s $140 for 2 events that were a month apart, plus the games they want you to play and the money they want you to spend at the party itself. That to me was outrageous, also considering there was a bridal shower to attend and the wedding too. And they had asked my DH to go to Vegas for the bachelor party. We felt bad, but we just couldn’t afford it all and couldn’t attend all of their events.

    We also went to a Jack/Jill recently where the bride and groom also had a bridal shower, and a lingerie shower PLUS the Jack/Jill plus the wedding. Is that the norm?
    I feel it’s a little much to expect your guests to go to a bridal shower, lingerie shower, bachelor/bachelorette, stag and doe and your wedding.

    Post # 14
    Member
    242 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @StaceyMay81: Please tell me that $70 included all your drinks for the night!

    Ours was $5 a ticket and $4/drink, we had a bunch of games and auctioned off food to throw at us, I know our guests had a great time and got some great prizes, which is what it was all about for us, in the end we did make some money which helped.

    Edit: I don’t like the idea of fundraising for the wedding, I think Stag and Does should be approached as a big party and if you make money then great, if not at least everyone had a great time.

    Post # 15
    Member
    10563 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    @JennyW1:  I agree.  If it’s common in your area then it’s fine, otherwise it just look’s greedy.  I know of stag and doe here (I knew someone who was involved in hosting it, not the couple) and it surprised me, because no one else does them.  They were originally from elsewhere though, so that’s probably why.  I think the girl I knew was a little disappointed that many peopie(I’m not close to her, but was invited) didn’t go.

    Post # 16
    Member
    3257 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I had never even heard of Stag/Doe or Jack/Jill before this thread, so obviously I didn’t do it. 🙂 lol. If it’s customary where you’re from, I guess why wouldn’t you do it? 

    The topic ‘Stag/Doe…Jack/Jill. What do you bees think?’ is closed to new replies.

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