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Honestly, I would try to stay as oblivious as possible. This is your day, and you shouldn't have to deal with that drama.
The MOH is technically the "head honcho" in this situation...so I would just have her lay the cards out for your SIL:
* Her house is just not convenient for the majority of the guest list, and that's who you need to consider.
* The MOH is the one in charge of the planning...so SIL should sit back until the MOH gives her tasks to do.
* The MOH knows you best! I think she should just tell your SIL that. (Honestly, it sounds like your SIL carries drama with her everywhere, so there's no avoiding it. I would say it just like that, because she's going to be huffy about it, either way.)
Yikes. I had a similar situation with my bach party. I wanted cheap, fun, everyone can participate and one BM suggested a spa day ($$$) and another paint your own pottery (too sedate- not fun!). My sister/MOH did what your MOH is doing and checked with me about what I wanted (just confirming what she already knew) and told them flat out- that I wouldn't like either of those ideas. Then she went and planned the kind of bach party I did want.
How many BMs do you have? Perhaps a majority rules approach would allow them to come to a consensus without you having to get involved?
Just have you MOH say- "We want to do what's best for Editrix and your house is too far- she would hate in inconvenience everyone. I'm certain that she would go for XYZ idea. As long as majority agrees, we'll go with this idea."
After my family didn't show up at my first shower (long story), I pulled the rug out from under the second one and said "just forget it". As soon as everyone else's issues became my issues, I stopped wanting to deal with having the party. I don't roll very well with drama... so it was a pretty easy decision.
Maybe it's selfish of me, but I didn't want to have to worry if so and so is happy or if family member A is getting along with friend B. I'll see them all at the wedding and they can celebrate with me then...
Sorry this is tough for you. As you can see, I have no good advice (only avoidance) in this realm!
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Thanks all. I actually only have three BMs, and one is in San Diego, so she isn't involved in the planning because chances are, she won't be there. And while I'd like to leave this fight up to MOH, the problem is that SIL is just completely ignoring her. Not listening to her, at all. So that's why I feel like I need to step in, because it's the only way she will actually *listen.*
similar situation here for my *cancelled* bachelorette party and shower. And I too agree with Rosey. Just have MOH tell SIL she ran several ideas through you and you were against pottery and anything at her house...and maybe brunch too. Dont let SIL force her will on you. This is your shower..
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I honestly let my MOH deal with it. It is technically her turf.
However it does seem like MOH can't get her 2 cents to SIL. In which case I would maybe casually bring it up at the family function this weekend when you talking wedding stuff, ie So how are you girls doing with the Bridal shower planning? She will likely walk you through the whole plan in which case you can intervene when appropriate, or even just tell her your vision for the day (in a calm manner).
Hopefully it will all work out for you! Good Luck!
I just had to put the kibosh on my B'ette Plans b/c it was becoming too much drama for me. It's not fun for me anymore. I think that either you need to ask your MOH to figure this out yourself, or cancel the whole thing. I don't think you need this stress, and it sounds like your MOH knows what would work for you so she can go to bat for you.
Just a question, is she your brother's wife or your FI's sister? I am guessing it is your brother's wife since you refer to her as "your SIL" and not FSIL. If it is your FI's sis, my idea may not work as well and you may need to send FI "after her" :)
I think if she is ignoring your MOH, you should probably step in. Maybe have a laid back "chat" with her this weekend at the family event. Bring up casually that you heard that there were talks the shower may be at her house (thus not throwing MOH under the bus) and that you really are not too sure about that. Maybe point blank ask her if that's what MOH suggested and that would be a surprise to you since you thought it was going to be at _____ (insert a place or 2 you would like to go). If she doesn't seem to get it at this point, point out the long distance everyone will need to travel and how you know that MOH will plan a perfect day for you since she knows you so well!
And honestly, if this continues, you may need to step in again and tell her that MOH is planning this and back off a bit.
Good luck and let us know what happens!
Thanks LittleBear. It's actually my fiance's sister. Additionally, his *baby* sister, so he's not one to go after her on much of anything. He does realize, though, that she can be difficult sometimes, if not blatantly so.
I know I'm making FSIL out to be a monster and she's really not. She's a good person, but her behavior around this is really aggravating.
I'm sorry your SIL is being so frustrating!
If she's ignoring your MOH, perhaps you can casually say something to your SIL about how you heard about all "the great ideas you all are coming up with" for the shower and how you really like the idea of doing the shower at " _insert your favorite idea here_" since it's convenient for everyone and sounds like fun.
I find that focusing on "positives" rather than things that you don't want works the best as a first-approach. (after that, I would just be blunt and let her know your reasons for not wanting it at her house)
Good luck :)
Ugh - aren't large groups of women ABHORENT?!
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My suggestion would be that you stage a sit down with your SIL that is NOT a familiy function and maybe consider including your MOH. That way you can call the meeting, keep them both in the dark and be like "look, someone (maybe another BM can get tossed under the bus for the sake of the team) told me that we are not all on the same page. THIS is what I want. THIS is what I don't want". I know that in a perfect world our SILs and MOHs would all magically get along and know exactly what we want and be able to orchestarte it perfectly while we flounced around Tiffanys with our FH's registering for $500 glass bowls but that's not the case. I think, for your own sanity and the sanity of the rest of the bridal party, you should step in, give some concise, swift direction for the shower and then step back out. THAT way your SIL knows that you will not put up with her shenanigans but also doesn't feel singled out for her naughtiness.
Let us know how it goes :)
Could you MOH possibly talk with your FMIL or FFIL and ask them to kindly talk with the FSIL? Sometimes the only person someone will listen to is their parents.
Hey GaBGal ... that's a good idea, and I wish I could do that because that could work really well. But FMIL is crrrrr-azzzzy (FSIL's behavior ain't NOTHIN' compared to what she'd be doing) and FFIL is pretty much not involved in anything.
I really appreciate everybody's input. I think when I see her this weekend, I'm just going to casually mention that my mom (who lives in another state) was asking me about the shower so she could make travel plans (true), then be like, "so ... have you guys come up with anything location-wise?" And if she mentions her house, I'll just say (gently) that I don't think that's a good location. If she doesn't mention the house, I think I'll say, "Well, MOH sent me a list of some cool places ... I'd love it if it could be at one of those."
Oh boy...I have the same situation going on for mine. One BM trying to make it convenient for her and her alone. Here is what I dsicovered with her - and it genuinely seems to be the same with SIL...she isnt getting the tact. You and your MOH are tying the tactful route, but she either doesnt get it or just doesnt care because its all about her. I finally had to step in, let everyone know I was aware of the issues, and flat out say "THIS is what I want...I want it here, this decor, this food, nothing else." I basically said "If a decision cant be made, Im making it - case closed." Now I am by no means a bride-zilla, but she wasnt getting it and nobody else had the cojones to be blunt. You're the bride its allowed 
I did secretly have the MOH make the decisions, I just conveyed them so it sounded like it was coming from me. Nobody can argue that, and if she does, too bad, again, youre the bride.
You could tell her that MOH came to you with some options, you noticed that SIL's hosue was on there, and that you dont want that. Nothing personal, but its preference and convenience.
I'd avoid any more gentle conversations - if this is anything like my case, it goes in one ear and out the other.
I realize this post sounds harsh, I swear Im not a brat!!!!
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Editrix - I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest you say NOTHING to your FSIL. She sounds like the type of person that will take anyting that doesn't agree with her opinion badly. Your MOH needs to handle this.
Since your MOH is paying for most of the shower this is what should happen:
She should book the place (today if possible). Then tell everyone else where it is.
Simple and effective. If she makes the decisions and then alerts the rest they really don't get a say. Underhanded? Maybe. But when dealing with a group of women sometimes its easier to not give options.
It was very nice of your MOH to want to include everyone in the planning but clearly that isn't working so she needs to take a different approach. I also suggest she assign different roles to your maids for the shower. That way she can deal with each person and their task seperately without a million different opinions.
I am currently a maid in a wedding and the MOH handled everything like this. It worked beautifully and we had absolutely no drama. Too many cooks in the kitchen does not esnure a delicious meal. Your MOH needs to take control here, not you.
Best of luck and enjoy your shower!
I think it's a good idea to bring it up in the way you've recently mentioned. That way she doesn't need to know that your MOH has been telling you about her butyou get to clearly express your opinion. Odds are if she's ignoring your MOH on this, the only person she'll really listen to is you! Good luck and I'm sorry you're having to get in the middle of this!
If it's going to be a monstrous deal, how about two showers? Maybe you don't want too much craziness going on with that side of the family. It only gets worse when you are married! Then your FSIL can throw a "family shower" so that all your fiance's family goes to that and then your MOH can throw the "fun" shower!!!!! I dunno if that'll work or not. My FSIL and MIL are throwing me a family shower...of course my BM's are invited but i'm only bringing my MOH since my MOH is throwing me a regular ole shower/brunch at my house. w'ere inviting them but i don't know if they'd come to two....GOod luck sorry i don't have better advice
Wow -- how did your fsil get involved in the actual planning anyway? Isn't she aware that the shower is usually thrown by the moh with HELP from the maids? I think she is completely out of line and that you may be doing more harm than good by feeding into it and trying to be nice and casual about it. You just need to tell her directly that your moh is planning the shower and she (and the other maids) are helping the moh -- not the other way around. Let her know that you have a list of locations you really like and that your moh will be making the reservation.
I know many will disagree, but I had a very similar situation with my bachelorette party and I was so concerned with not hurting anyone's feelings that I let everything get out of control until I had no bachelorette party. I finally put my foot down after everything fell apart, but it was too late. I could have made everything better if I had just said what I thought early on instead of trying to not hurt peoples feelings.
An update ...
I thought about it most of the day and figured out a way to intervene without being confrontational or "laying the smack down" on anyone directly. What I decided to do was "play dumb" ...
I sent an e-mail to all three of my bridesmaids basically saying: MOH sent me a list of suggestions a few weeks ago, I didn't look at it closely at the time but I remembered it today, and the two options I like are brunch at a chocolate lounge/cafe in DC, and a "Travelling Vineyard" service (a wine tasting service that will come to your house and host a wine tasting). I added that I hoped it wasn't "bridezilla" of me to say what i wanted for my shower but I love chocolate and wine so either of those would be really great. I thanked them for everything they were doing and told them I loved them (true!).
I figured by doing that, I was making my own opinion clear and giving FSIL a chance to speak up if she had something else planned without feeling like she was being attacked.
I sent the e-mail a couple of hours ago, and so far I've heard back from MOH (saying thanks for sharing thoughts and saying they should all be able to work together to plan something), and the other, non-involved BM. Non-involved BM (with whom I haven't discussed this situation) said that FSIL had also done a lot of work and that plans should come together soon. But FSIL? No response. It's possible she hasn't checked her e-mail. But she also has a tendency to just not say anything if she's mad.
At any rate, I did my part and they know how I feel. I feel like now it's in FSIL's court ... and I hope I haven't hurt anybody's feelings!
Terrible! I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I had a BM ask if she could plan my bachelorette. I didn't really want a bachelorette party (just wanted a fun shower where we could have champagne, chat, and have a fun girl day) but I said okay to make her feel included. She had known me for four years and knew my taste.
It went downhill from the moment I agreed. She placed a deposit on a top secret location and told me that everyone attending would have to pay $100+ to attend (NOT including the hotel room). *gasp* I have friends with small babies that cannot leave overnight... let alone pay upward of $150 each!. I said no way and she freaked.
What was the big secret? She wanted everyone to take a pole dancing class. Nt something I am into at all.
My advice to you: let SIL know the type of event that you are interested in staying away from. Mention that you have really been thinking about (insert fun activity here) but wouldn't really be interested in a paint your own pottery to do. Perhaps she'll get the picture? If not, you may have to come out with it.
Good luck!!
It's interesting, the more i read into this post, the more it seems like most families make it very difficult on the Bride and Groom to have an enjoyable wedding...
Even though my case was a bit different, my mother and mother in law were planning it for me, until my mother started making decisions without involving my MIL. I had to pull the plug and had my bridesmaids plan it while I was overseeing the entire thing. It was horrible that I had to be so involved but in the end everything turned out fine.
I'm sorry you are going through it. I think you should try and disconnect yourself as much as possible from everything and just enjoy the day when it comes. It's not worth the stress. I'm sure you have other more important wedding details to take care of in the mean time. =)
Oh thank goodness I am not the only one dealing with this type of nonsense. One of my BMs decided this week that since my MOH is pregnant she is going to take over planning my shower and bach. party... and of course she is suggesting dates and types of events that she would want, not what I would want.
My MOH is pregnant and is the type that does not want to offend people, so my sister stepped in and sent a reality check email to everyone, reminding them that these events are about me.
Now we think that someone is offended and may not want to help with the planning at all now...
So with that, my advice to you is this, it is YOUR day and no one else's so someone in your wedding party needs to step up make sure your SIL understands that the bridal shower is about what you want and not what she wants.
I hope all works out for you (and me).
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Hey Hive,
(First, I apologize for this being so long.)
There seems to be mucho drama between my MOH and future SIL around planning my bridal shower. From what I gather (and also personally know about these two), the drama is much of SIL's doing. The bottom line is that SIL seems to be making this shower all about what's best for *her* and what she wants, not necessarily what's best for all the guests or even what I want personally.
I have to admit that I have no strong ideas about what I want for my shower, other than that I don't want to recycle a lot of the same tired games that always seem to get played, and I just want it to be fun for everyone.
A couple of weeks ago, SIL and I were at another shower together when we started talking about plans for my own. She said that she thought a brunch would be a good idea because it would get done early without taking up everyone's entire day. I said I was fine with that but left it open without saying that it was definitely what we should do.
(Let me back up a bit by saying that while I like SIL, she and I are also rather different people. I know I can't say this without coming off as snarky, but she's into stuff like Disney vacations, chain restaurants and Pampered Chef. OK, I know there are lots of people who like those things, but they're really not my thing, and likewise for most of my friends. I would say that SIL is a suburb girl and my friends and I are more city girls. MOH is much more in tune with the things that I like.)
Meanwhile, after talking about the shower that SIL and I were at together (which was really great), my 'maids started e-mailing back and forth about my shower (I wasn't included in the e-mails). MOH started doing a lot of research into local places we could consider for the shower -- restaurants, tea rooms, even sporting events (I used to be a sports editor). And that's where the drama started.
I don't know the details, but I know one thing SIL suggested was one of those make-your-own pottery places. Again, not really my thing, not something my friends are into, so (thankfully) MOH put the kibosh on that. So there was more back and forth (again, I wasn't in on it), and MOH started letting me in on some of the "drama" that was happening. (She wasn't trying to get me involved, but she just wanted to make sure that she was doing right by me -- and she definitely was.)
In the meantime, after MOH sent her list of potential locations to the 'maids, she comes to find out that SIL was already in negotiations to reserve a room for a brunch at a local restaurant. She didn't ask anyone else, she just did it. I wasn't against the restaurant per se but I was a little miffed that MOH had done all this research and (1) SIL flat-out ignored it, and (2) SIL took it on herself to start booking something without asking first, especially in light of the fact that MOH is paying for most of this herself.
I don't know what's happened in the meantime, but now apparently SIL is saying she wants to have the shower at her house instead. While I was OK with brunch at the restaurant, I *do not* want to have the shower at her house. It's a good 45 minutes for me to get there, 90 minutes for MOH, and at least an hour for the rest of my friends. Beyond that, her house isn't great for large groups. It's convenient for nobody but her. (This is why MOH did not offer to have it at her place, because it's not in a central location for everyone, and she doesn't have much room.)
SIL does not know that I am aware of any of these conversations, nor has she checked in with me to say "this is what I'm thinking, is that OK?" It seems apparent she's going to just do what she wants without regard for anything MOH says. However, I think if I tell her "this is what I DON'T want," I stand a much better chance of getting through.
The issue is that I'm not sure how to bring this up to her without making it look like MOH put me up to it, or that MOH is just trying to get her way (which isn't the case AT ALL). Like I said, she doesn't know I'm aware of any of this. And I need to cool down a little bit because right now I'm ready to wring SIL's neck. I don't want to try to have a conversation without taking a level-headed approach. (SIL has told me about past drama she's been involved with around other family weddings, and while I used to think it was the other parties involved, it's starting to become clear to me that wasn't necessarily the case.)
I'm supposed to see her at a family function this weekend. Is there a good, tactful way for me to bring this up? If so, how can I best handle the conversation and tell her that I really, really don't want the shower at her house???
Thanks all!!!