(Closed) Stakes feel higher when we fight

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

Sorry you guys are fighting. 🙁  You never did as much before getting engaged? Are there outside stressors or nothing else has changed (stress-wise)?

Can you sit down and talk with him calmly and both try to talk this out?

Good luck! 🙂  Congrats on the engagement!!

Post # 4
Member
7432 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think you both need to sit down and talk about this when you are both in a good mood. Bring up how the fighting makes you feel, and figure out a way that works for both of you to difuse the situation. What works for us is walking away for about 10 mins into other rooms and doing somethign else, then returning and talking it out calmly and rationally.  It works every time, and trust me we used to have some major fights over really stupid things too.  Find something that works and stick to it, and I promise things will get better

Post # 6
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1993

I totally had this experience! We got engaged on Saturday, and then we had pretty substantial fights on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights (largely due to the fact that originally I wanted a DW and we couldn’t figure out a date for that because FI’s dad is a teacher). FI would just fly off the handle. Finally, I caught him in a calm state and basically said “What’s up with the “Crazy FI” deal?” (in a cute/jokey yet serious way… that’s the best way to communicate with him because that way he doesn’t get frustrated because I’m nagging, and yet he is well aware I am serious. “Saving face” sort of thing.) After that, he became more self aware and calmed down. I think it was the stress of “holy crap, I thought all I had to work on was engagement and the ring, but I forgot there’s still all the wedding stuff after”. That’s my theory anyway.

Good luck and you’re not alone!!!

Post # 8
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I totally agree with you. We got into a HUGE fight on the weekend about something really really really stupid (in my opinion) and FI said some really hurtful things. I knew it was in the heat of the moment so I didn’t react. I stayed as calm as I could (I cried a little, but I didn’t yell back or anything) and I let him go cool off for a bit. I was terrified thinking “What if this is so bad he doesn’t come back? What if he calls it off? What am I supposed to do?!” even though I knew it was totally irrational and not going to happen. I guess what brought me back down to earth was knowing that we made a commitment to get married and to spend each day together. If some stupid fight was going to break us up 3 months before our wedding then clearly it wasn’t going to work 5 years down the line either. I knew he wasn’t going to walk away. The next morning I talked to him a little bit, but I still felt like I needed to walk on eggshells around it. Finally on Monday (2 days after the fight) I sat down with him and told him I didn’t want to rehash everything and get into another fight, but that what he said really hurt me and that it wasn’t fair to make me doubt myself. That’s not how you treat someone that you want to spend your life with. He apologized, he knew he said things that were mean but that it was in the heat of the moment (plus he’d had a few drinks with his buddies earlier but he didn’t own up to that factor, LOL) and that he didn’t mean to make me feel that way.

I think to me, I just have to stay calm and rational. When I start crying and getting worked up he gets frustrated. You have to believe in the strength of your relationship and the promises you’ve made to each other. I think FI doesn’t always think about the fact that I’m under stress too. While he’s got a lot going on, I have all of that and wedding planning and dealing with all the politics of it, and and and…. I think because guys are often so un-involved with the planning process they don’t realize how stressful it can be and how much there is to do and think about. We all need allowances for bad days.

Post # 9
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

Not to burst your bubble or anything, but the stakes ARE higher.  First of all, from what I have seen very few grooms are into all the wedding “stuff’.  Personally I think some of it is a bit much, like the bride who wanted all of us to wear the same lipstick shade but anyway . . .  And once you do get married this becomes a VERY BIG DEAL to walk away from.  I once heard a groomsman say to the groom at the rehearsal dinner, “Buddy, there is still time to back out now if you’re having second thoughts.  After all, it costs me $2,000 to get married and $20,000 to get divorced!”  This is how men talk to each other about weddings!  No wonder he seems irritable!

Post # 10
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When FI and I first got engaged it felt like we were fighting more often, especially over things related to families and the wedding. Now, however, we’ve come to a place where we’re facing things together as a team more than ever before. Honestly, I think it is something that can be fairly common among newly engaged couples. It’s a new stage of your life, things are changing, you have another person’s opinion to consider right alongside your own, and you’re trying to figure out planning a wedding and creating a marriage. It’s stressful! I would just try and do some fun things together and forget about the wedding for awhile! When you do have an argument, make sure to talk it out. Good communication is key and now is the time to build those skills so that when you are married, you’ll be able to more easily communicate!

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Not unusual I think and not unusual for people to project and accuse the other person of doing what you yourself are actually doing – crazy making though.

Post # 13
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

We definitely nitpick more now. Its a stressful time and you just have to be patient with one another, and realize how much you love each other. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

We went through the same thing when we first got engaged…more recently, we’ve been getting along better and dealing with things “as a team,” as someone else said. BUT we still have our silly tiffs that elevate, occasionally…like yesterday on the way to the marriage license office!

I think other bees were right on in their advice/reponses to you. I can relate–I do think my FI doesn’t realize the layers of stress and emotion that I’m experiencing, and he is experiencing his own stresses, too. So sometimes when we need to give each other support, we end up stressing each other out more! I tend to want to vent and lean on him and get some verbal affirmation when I’m stressed, while he just internalizes and wants to deal with things on his own without me getting involved in his stress.

Sometimes what helps us is just taking a breather from anything wedding-related, vegging on the couch watching a movie, going for a walk, and just laughing and joking aroudn about “lower stakes” things. As long as the to-do list is, and as important as it is to plan, it is just as important to take time to just *be* together for the sake of being together.

 

Post # 16
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I hear you Audrey! My husband and I got into many small stupid arguments and one huge fight around the 2 month away mark. Suddenly I found myself not thinking “I can’t believe how annoying you are being right now” and thinking “I can’t believe I am marrying you! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!”

It’s kinda funny to me now (wedding was 2 weeks ago) but at the time it was very scary and upsetting to be thinking that way and arguing a lot. It really was just stress getting the best of us with a new element of an “oh yeah guys, this is FOR LIFE” imaginary taunt during each disagreement. You just gotta get over it or it will drive you crazy. Just try and keep your cool and know you are certainly not the first bride-to-be to experience this shift.

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