Post # 1
I am a very happy newly engaged bee. Been so for a week.
My problem is that yesterday and day before FI and I had fights. What we were fighting over was meaningless and stupid BUT he was very very upset by it and in my opinion kind of overreacting and not being fair to me.
He even had the nerve to say “maybe its the engagement but you are so argumentative lately.”
This makes me crazy, not only because he sited the engagement, but also because I feel like HE’s the one calling this fighting and getting very worked up over what I see as minor disagreements. Its weird.
Maybe HE is nitpicking since we are engaged now? But what’s weird is that’s exactly what he thinks I’m doing. It really bothers me because I just can’t see his POV on this at all and neither can he mine.
I’ve vowed to try not to take the bait with any fights for a while, even if he continues o infuriate me by calling something minor a fight or walking off when we are in the middled of talking.
Maybe he’s adjusting and scared. I can deal with that but I can’t walk on eggshells.
Has anyone else seen a strange shift?
In some ways we are way more romantic, or were, but he also seems edgy and ironically to be doing exactly what he accuses me of.
Its times like this that I wish there were an objective person in the room to straighten one or both of us out. He isn’t into therapy though, nor can we afford it.
Post # 3
Sorry you guys are fighting. 🙁 You never did as much before getting engaged? Are there outside stressors or nothing else has changed (stress-wise)?
Can you sit down and talk with him calmly and both try to talk this out?
Good luck! 🙂 Congrats on the engagement!!
Post # 4
I think you both need to sit down and talk about this when you are both in a good mood. Bring up how the fighting makes you feel, and figure out a way that works for both of you to difuse the situation. What works for us is walking away for about 10 mins into other rooms and doing somethign else, then returning and talking it out calmly and rationally. It works every time, and trust me we used to have some major fights over really stupid things too. Find something that works and stick to it, and I promise things will get better
Post # 5
Those are really good suggestions.
We have fought like this before but it seems like he’s extra reactionary now to minor things.
I would like to try that 10 min thing. He usually wants to walk away but he just goes to sleep or ignores me the rest of the night. I freak out and feel abanonded and hate to go to bed angry.
Post # 6
I totally had this experience! We got engaged on Saturday, and then we had pretty substantial fights on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights (largely due to the fact that originally I wanted a DW and we couldn’t figure out a date for that because FI’s dad is a teacher). FI would just fly off the handle. Finally, I caught him in a calm state and basically said “What’s up with the “Crazy FI” deal?” (in a cute/jokey yet serious way… that’s the best way to communicate with him because that way he doesn’t get frustrated because I’m nagging, and yet he is well aware I am serious. “Saving face” sort of thing.) After that, he became more self aware and calmed down. I think it was the stress of “holy crap, I thought all I had to work on was engagement and the ring, but I forgot there’s still all the wedding stuff after”. That’s my theory anyway.
Good luck and you’re not alone!!!
Post # 7
That’s a good thing to remember.
Also I am happy to say that my FI doesn’t ever say its the end when we fight or threaten breakup and he’s made me promise to stop doing that.
I just get scared when he says things that indicate that he can’t deal.
Post # 8
I totally agree with you. We got into a HUGE fight on the weekend about something really really really stupid (in my opinion) and FI said some really hurtful things. I knew it was in the heat of the moment so I didn’t react. I stayed as calm as I could (I cried a little, but I didn’t yell back or anything) and I let him go cool off for a bit. I was terrified thinking “What if this is so bad he doesn’t come back? What if he calls it off? What am I supposed to do?!” even though I knew it was totally irrational and not going to happen. I guess what brought me back down to earth was knowing that we made a commitment to get married and to spend each day together. If some stupid fight was going to break us up 3 months before our wedding then clearly it wasn’t going to work 5 years down the line either. I knew he wasn’t going to walk away. The next morning I talked to him a little bit, but I still felt like I needed to walk on eggshells around it. Finally on Monday (2 days after the fight) I sat down with him and told him I didn’t want to rehash everything and get into another fight, but that what he said really hurt me and that it wasn’t fair to make me doubt myself. That’s not how you treat someone that you want to spend your life with. He apologized, he knew he said things that were mean but that it was in the heat of the moment (plus he’d had a few drinks with his buddies earlier but he didn’t own up to that factor, LOL) and that he didn’t mean to make me feel that way.
I think to me, I just have to stay calm and rational. When I start crying and getting worked up he gets frustrated. You have to believe in the strength of your relationship and the promises you’ve made to each other. I think FI doesn’t always think about the fact that I’m under stress too. While he’s got a lot going on, I have all of that and wedding planning and dealing with all the politics of it, and and and…. I think because guys are often so un-involved with the planning process they don’t realize how stressful it can be and how much there is to do and think about. We all need allowances for bad days.
Post # 9
Not to burst your bubble or anything, but the stakes ARE higher. First of all, from what I have seen very few grooms are into all the wedding “stuff’. Personally I think some of it is a bit much, like the bride who wanted all of us to wear the same lipstick shade but anyway . . . And once you do get married this becomes a VERY BIG DEAL to walk away from. I once heard a groomsman say to the groom at the rehearsal dinner, “Buddy, there is still time to back out now if you’re having second thoughts. After all, it costs me $2,000 to get married and $20,000 to get divorced!” This is how men talk to each other about weddings! No wonder he seems irritable!
Post # 10
When FI and I first got engaged it felt like we were fighting more often, especially over things related to families and the wedding. Now, however, we’ve come to a place where we’re facing things together as a team more than ever before. Honestly, I think it is something that can be fairly common among newly engaged couples. It’s a new stage of your life, things are changing, you have another person’s opinion to consider right alongside your own, and you’re trying to figure out planning a wedding and creating a marriage. It’s stressful! I would just try and do some fun things together and forget about the wedding for awhile! When you do have an argument, make sure to talk it out. Good communication is key and now is the time to build those skills so that when you are married, you’ll be able to more easily communicate!
Post # 11
This is all wonderful advice and has calmed my nerves.
Thank you bees!!!
Post # 12
Not unusual I think and not unusual for people to project and accuse the other person of doing what you yourself are actually doing – crazy making though.
Post # 13
We definitely nitpick more now. Its a stressful time and you just have to be patient with one another, and realize how much you love each other. 🙂
Post # 14
Thanks sweet Bees! We are all better, for now.
Post # 15
We went through the same thing when we first got engaged…more recently, we’ve been getting along better and dealing with things “as a team,” as someone else said. BUT we still have our silly tiffs that elevate, occasionally…like yesterday on the way to the marriage license office!
I think other bees were right on in their advice/reponses to you. I can relate–I do think my FI doesn’t realize the layers of stress and emotion that I’m experiencing, and he is experiencing his own stresses, too. So sometimes when we need to give each other support, we end up stressing each other out more! I tend to want to vent and lean on him and get some verbal affirmation when I’m stressed, while he just internalizes and wants to deal with things on his own without me getting involved in his stress.
Sometimes what helps us is just taking a breather from anything wedding-related, vegging on the couch watching a movie, going for a walk, and just laughing and joking aroudn about “lower stakes” things. As long as the to-do list is, and as important as it is to plan, it is just as important to take time to just *be* together for the sake of being together.
Post # 16
I hear you Audrey! My husband and I got into many small stupid arguments and one huge fight around the 2 month away mark. Suddenly I found myself not thinking “I can’t believe how annoying you are being right now” and thinking “I can’t believe I am marrying you! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!”
It’s kinda funny to me now (wedding was 2 weeks ago) but at the time it was very scary and upsetting to be thinking that way and arguing a lot. It really was just stress getting the best of us with a new element of an “oh yeah guys, this is FOR LIFE” imaginary taunt during each disagreement. You just gotta get over it or it will drive you crazy. Just try and keep your cool and know you are certainly not the first bride-to-be to experience this shift.