Stand up for myself or smile and nod? FMIL opinionated & always gets her way

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: What should I do about FMIL?
    Continue to nod, smile, and just be polite : (11 votes)
    15 %
    Be more forceful about stopping the inappropriate conversations, but nothing more : (50 votes)
    67 %
    Send an e-mail explaining everything from my POV : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Wait until there's another incident, then be completely honest : (13 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 3
    3128 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    You have stood up for yourself very respectfully and politely. Honestly, I would keep doing what you are doing.

    The person who needs to change their approach is your FI. I know it is not in his nature, but he needs to make it clear to his mother that everything that was said are things BOTH of you want even if he doesn’t express it as vocally. He needs to tell his mom to butt out of both of your lives, not just for your sake but for his as well. 

    If she doesn’t stop after you have explained your reasoning for xyz, he needs to be the one to say, “Mom, as I have already told you, we have made our decision and I will no longer discuss it with you.”

    Post # 4
    863 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Crumbs.  I really feel for you.  My FFIL is much the same type, he just cannot seem to process that I have had a totally different upbringing – and life – to his family.  To him, me being ‘different’ equals being ‘wrong’.


    You and your FI really need to start having more privacy from his family.  Your credit score, how much your parents are budgeting for your wedding…they should know NONE of this.  None of it is ANY of their business.  You and your FI are both adults, who have been together 6 years.  If either of you had any problems with how the other deals with money, I’m sure they would have come to light by now.


    You also, in my opinion, should have refused to go and look at a venue with them.  I know that you are trying to make a good impression, but caving in is just going to give your FMIL the idea that all she needs to do is nag enough and you will both end up giving in.  


    Believe me, I know how hard it is to say ‘NO’, especially to FILs.  My FFIL acted like a complete arse towards me.  I refused to have anything to deal with him for over a year.  Actions are louder than words.  


    Post # 5
    7654 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I think you are giving in to your MIL’s demands way too much. I would have told her to go shove her venue up her butt, but that is just me.

    Your FI needs to help you keep your financials private from your family. They are way too nosy. My FIL is the same way. Everything I do is wrong because that is NOT how he was raised or how he raised my DH. He always asks the rude questions like “How much money was your house?” I just shut him down by saying it is our business.

    Same with my dog. He was such an ass about us buying a St. Bernard even though it wasn’t HIS money we were using. He always makes sure to try to make us feel as shitty as possible about buying the dog too.

    Keep your personal life private, and you will be a lot happier. Keep being sweet as pie to your FMIL and just tell her that it is your business. FI needs to follow suit.

    Post # 6
    2313 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I definitely think that keeping family and finances separate is vital. Especially in this situation where I presume your FMILs motive is probably to use that information against you. 

    I think it is a difficult situation but at least you’ve got your fiancé, his sister and his dad on your side. I think you and your fiancé just need to be wary about what information you pass onto her. 

    My FMIL is, mostly, a nice person. But my fiancé has told me about times when she will use info he has given her and then “thrown it back in his face” so now he is very careful about what he tells her. If there is something happening in our lives then I will find out from him if she knows or not/if we are telling her. 


    So make sure you and your fiancé are united in what you do next and remember, be strong!

    Post # 7
    320 posts
    Helper bee

    I love my In-laws, but I had horrid ones before


    My current SIL was really stand-offish the whole time DH and I were dating, and had conversations with him how he needed to be ABSOLUTELY sure I was the right one, because she didnt think my relationship with God was what SHE thought it should be. He politely told her that he knew my heart and knew what he was doing.


    When we got engaged, she did a 180. It was like she accepted that I wasnt going anywhere and trusted his judgement and that I make him happy. DH even commented to MIL ” what is with *******, she’s all accepting and nice all of a sudden?” LOL


    Now that we are married, she is very friendly and invites us over for things.


    Your FMIL is acting ridiculous because she’s scared of “losing” her son. She will probably feel really silly AFTER you guys are married and try to make up for it without actually apologizing. I think things will get better, but if you make a big fuss now, you will always be the “bad” person in her eyes, vs. after you are married, she will have to suck up because she treated you horribly and you took the high road and she will feel ashamed of herself.

    Post # 8
    301 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Don’t tell your FMIL that her behavior will make her fears come true.  I think some counseling with you and your FI is in order.  He needs to learn to stand up to his mother- he’s the one who should be telling her that she is driving *both* of you away. He also needs to come to terms with the fact that his mother will likely never like you (not specific to you- she would dislike any FDIL who didn’t completely bend to her will or maybe any FDIL at all) and that he will have to be a buffer between his wife and mother indefinitely.  She will probably always be miserable, but if your FI wants to marry you, then it is his responsibility to learn to stand up to and protect you from his mother.  It sounds like you’re handling her well, but keep more information private from her.  When she starts up the same old arguments (e.g., wedding venue), tell her that, as you’ve previously discussed, you *and your FI* have made your decision.  Period.  No need to waste your breath justifying your decisions repeatedly.

    Post # 9
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Why is your FI letting her steamroll all over you guys? That is ridiculous. How old is he? 

    If your future in-laws aren’t chipping in for the wedding, they get ZERO say as far as I’m concerned. And her prying into your credit score is just insane. For Christ’s sake, bankruptcies are the mother of all bad credit and even THEY are swiped off your credit score in 7 years. What a weirdo.

    Post # 12
    2302 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @TGold:  ‘i find that to be a really intrusive question – fi and i have discussed that in depth, we’re both happy with our plan going forward.’

    ‘i’m not prepared to go into details with you, i don’t think it’s appropriate’

    ‘i appreciate that you are trying to help, but fi and i are capable of doing the research and asking for help when we need it. if we do, we’ll let you know’

    ‘fi and i have decided to do x, we’re really looking forward to your support’

    ‘i am a responsible adult – i appreciate your concern, but it’s unnecessary’

    repeat, repeat, repeat

    and you have a serious FI problem in regards to her – 10% should not have come out of her mouth before he firmly said ‘this is a holiday, let’s discuss this later/in a more private setting/we’re not going to talk about this now’ and meant it. 

    Post # 13
    2302 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @peonyinlove:  and you’re absolutely right – do NOT let them give you financial counselling – they will use that info against you forever!

    Post # 14
    8818 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    You have done an amazing job of keeping your cool. I would have lost it on her by now.

    I mean this in a nice way, but your FI needs to grow a set and be more firm. I don’t condone it in most cases but maybe he needs to raise his voice, yell a little. His mother needs to be put in her place.

    I would also stop including her in on any wedding planning. If she can’t be happy for you two, surround yourself with the people who are.

    Good luck! 🙂

    Post # 15
    6963 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I like the above suggestions. I would try to be polite but firm about it. If you think it’s bad now, way until you’re married and the grandbaby talk begins!


    Post # 16
    34 posts
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @TGold:  I would only engage in wedding talk with your FI there too. When you are on the same page together and are clear about your boundaries, it will be easier to stay firm in them. It’s tough to answer your poll quesiton, because sometimes smiling and being polite is the most helpful, and other times being more forceful is appropriate. The most important factor is how you can hold what feels authentic and true for you. The rest, I imagine, will be an ongoing negotiation. But I do think it’s crucial for your FI to be more active in communicating what is important to you both- particularly to make sure you don’t resent him in the future.




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