Post # 1
I’m going anon for this post, as a regular poster, I don’t really want this traceable for those who know me.
When my Fi and I started going out we had sex ALOT. We had sex every time we saw each other and sometimes more than once in a day. He was probably the best I’ve ever had, and it helped that he was also the most good looking person that I’d ever gone out with so my attraction to him was even higher.
Like most relationships the number of times it happened became less and less and now it’s got to a point (after 4 years and being engaged) where we don’t do it unless I make the first move. When we do it, we both enjoy it and get the big O, but I’ve definately got the higher sex drive, I’d do it 5 times a week if it was offered where as SO can go for so long it turns into months at a time before we do it again.
Sometimes I’ve tried to make a move and he flat out turns me down and I’ve got to the point where I feel so rejected by the fact that he says no, I’ve started going solo to get my O. I’ve always been comfortable doing it myself but there is a difference with being happy to sometimes do it when he’s not in the mood (but I always do it in private) and it becoming the only way you get off.
SO I confronted him about it, He didn’t know I was doing my solo sessions and I think that shocked him a bit. I’ve told him that I know he’s got the passion in him, because I’ve seen it, although I appreciate that was in the honeymoon phase when it’s built on passion.
My Fiance has agreed wholeheartedly to try and deal with the situation as he wants us both to be happy with our sex lives, but I don’t really know where to start in fixing this?
I suggested we should start again, as if we’re entering our first sexual relationship but I’m not sure if that’s even possible. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to start again when it comes to sex???
Edit: I should also add that we are both in our late 20’s and have a fair amount of previous relationships/sexual partners so him being inexperienced isn’t a factor.
Post # 3
@Startingagainwithhim: Form my own experience, my sex drive is as high as I feed it (like my sweet tooth :P). So if we have sex a lot, then I want it a lot. As the weeks go by without it then my drive slows back down and I don’t want it as much anymore.
I think that you and your SO just need to get back into the “grove” of it. I have read a few articles over the years about couples who decided to have sex every day for a week/month to reconnect and get things cooking again. I’m sure that you could find some on the internet and see if that’s something which you think my help. They always say that it’s a lot of effort but in the end it becomes easier and makes things better.
I would think that this might help to ramp things up again.
Post # 4
@Startingagainwithhim: I’ve been where you are and i agree with PP, the more you do it, the more you want it. My SO and I have been together for 4 years so we’re out of the honeymoon period. there was a time when his sex drive just died and I also felt so down on myself when he wouldn’t initiate anything or turn me down. We talked about how we were stuck in a rut and needed to shake up our routine. We joined a gym, went for walks and jogs together, did things that got us off the couch in the evenings. Something about doing something physical with each other always got us in the mood. Now, we don’t have sex every day but about once a week. Sometimes it’s less often but we keep up playfulness and flirt with each other. It takes effort in the beginning but soon, it’ll all come back to you. Just keep being open with each other.
Post # 5
I’ve experienced this in a relationship before, and I think it is completely normal for the frequency to wax and wane a bit, especially after a few years. I’m like you, in that I would do it everyday or nearly everyday if I could, and even after the thousandth time with the same person, I still crave it. In my past relationship, I dropped tons of money on lingerie and outfits to spice up things, but my ex would turn me down every time. As you can imaging, this wears on your self esteem after awhile, and I eventually gave up on sex and our relationship. You two are obviously sexually compatable judging by the post you wrote. I think by talking it out with your FI, you’ve already started the process of getting the ball rolling again. Communication is so important in a situation like this.
Now for the fun part: getting things back to the way they were. Have you guys thought about trying something new? Whether it be acting out a fantasy, dressing up, using props, or just doing it in a new location for the first time. Sometimes I find that one new experience can be all it takes for the relationship to feel fresh again. What about both of you writing down 3-5 things you’d like to experience with the other and putting them in a hat, and then once a week, you both get to pick one of the ideas out of a hat and you have a few days to prepare and act them out?
Have you thought about visiting a sex shop together and seeing if anything peaks your interest? Maybe you will find some inspiration in using a new toy, lube, etc. I don’t know what sort of things you are into, so this may be a stretch, but you could try watching a steamy movie or something soft core to see if it revs either of you up.
I think the best thing to do is just bring the fun back. Keep things light, and don’t make it feel like a chore or a project, or it will soon become one. Good luck with everything!
Post # 6
there have been a lot of posts on this and i am in the same boat. i’m starting to think this is just a common thing that happens…. though that thought is disheartening. all my other boyfriends wanted it regularly so having the frequency go down so drastically is worry some for me. i feel your pain! PM any time if you need someone to talk/vent to. i know how lonely this feels…
Post # 7
There is so much hype in the media, magazines, movies, etc about men’s sex drives and I think so much of it is untrue. I’m 53 and have had plenty of partners and I always end up with the higher drive in the relationship. I think many men experience a serious reduction in their libido when they are stressed or feeling insecure. Some men watch too much porn and it’s easier to whack off than have sex with their partners – or they desensitize their magic members and sex isn’t enough stimulation. Around now, women should be asking “How did this get so complicated?” It’s very hard on our self-esteem when our men aren’t interested. To be honest, I think we need to demand sex as in, “Tonight you’ll be performing ____on me or with me so wrap your head around it.” Sheesh…who ever expected that a guy would be unwilling to boff us? Isn’t that what they spent all their single lives trying to do?
Post # 8
@lorie: I agree with you on the porn part, they have such easy access to sex online why would they put foward the effort in real life. It is sad but true. I feel sorry for this generation of young women. My daughter are this new generation and it sucks.
Post # 9
I don’t have any advice but I’m in the same boat, except I’m the one that never wants to have sex. FH and I have been together for three years and in the beginning we had a ridiculous amount of sex. We had times where we’d taper off for a bit, but it always picked itself back up. Now, our schedules rarely match up so we don’t exactly have time anymore because we’re always tired or I’m asleep by the time he gets home. It’s frustrating sometimes because we’re in our early twenties and we feel like we should be having more sex. But I do agree that the more you have it the more you want it. Since we don’t really have time anymore, I feel like I could go months without sex (and sometimes we do go a month without it).