Starting to feel like my in-laws punching bag….

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

What does your FI say to them when they make these comments? He should be standing up for you and not letting them treat you this way.

Post # 3
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - St. Thomas USVI

It is your FI’s job to stand up for you. If you confront them it will only fuel what they have already been saying about you (not that what they are saying is true but it will undoubtedly give them ammunition). Tell your FI how you feel. Hopefully you are staying in a hotel for the visit, if not, book one. That way if you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed, you have somewhere else to go.

Post # 5
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

IMO, You need to stop trying so hard to please them, because they obviously aren’t going to reciprocate and to continue sets you up to be a victim. Also, PP are right, your FI needs to stand up for you. 

Remember, you can’t control them. You can’t force them to treat you well. So it’s not about that and it doesn’t matter that the ex was unsuccessful when she tried. Its not about changing them. It’s about standing up for yourself and your marriage, setting boundaries, and refusing to let anyone come between you two. You and FI need to work together to set those boundaries. 

Post # 6
Member
4634 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you need to limit the time you spend with them. Speaking to them about their behaviour and expecting them to change sounds futile, what other solution is there? I would not be able to handle people who claim to love me contiously break me down. 

Post # 8
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

craftylish:  there is never any reason to excuse nasty behavior. No one is immune from the responsibility to be civil, including inlaws. Good luck, Bee. 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

This is a really weird story. If his family is really this two-faced, they sound super unstable and I don’t think it’s safe for you guys to visit them!

If his mom comes up, hugs you, and whispers something creepy in your ear, step back immediately and say out loud, “I can’t believe you just whispered so-and-so into my ear! What would make you say that to me?!” And then look at your fiancé and let him respond.

If they are calling you truly cruel words like slut and so on, it’s way past time for your fiancé to be responding gently to them. He should be outright angry and on their asses immediately! If they ever repeat anything similar, you guys should just leave. No one should ever have to put up with that kind of abuse.

Post # 10
Member
4933 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

craftylish:  Your fiance needs to take care of this. If he is scared of sending her into a tizzy, then you need to just not see them. 

Post # 11
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

craftylish: Why do you bother? Just stop. There’s nothing that says you have to go out of your way for them. If they don’t appreciate it, they don’t have to have it.

I have told my FI numerous times that it does not compute to spend money on a negative. So I don’t and won’t. Actions have consequences. 

Post # 12
Member
6907 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Time for your FI to step up and defend you more. FI needs to stop using the “Oh but she’s bipolar” excuse and put your needs ahead of hers. If they say something when he’s not there, tell him and insist he deals with it.

The fact that FI’s ex had the same problem means it’s an ongoing problem. Why did she confront them? Because FI wouldn’t. It’s time he did.

Post # 14
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

craftylish:  If she whispers in your ear, repeat it loudly like you didn’t understand.

Example:

MIL whispers: “Craftylish, you dress like a slut”

You (loudly): “HUH? I dress like a SLUT? why?!”

Post # 15
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You stop.

You go from 100% to 0%.  FI’s family = FI’s problem.  If he doesn’t have the money to pay to visit them, you don’t go.  If he does have the money, he goes on his own.  If he’s asked why he’s on his own, he tells them everything you’ve posted on here.

I’m bipolar and I don’t use it as an excuse for acting like a c**t.  

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