Post # 1
We just booked our flights back to my FI hometown for xmas. We try and split the holidays. It just hit me today how much I m dreading seeing his family. They are so aweful to me, and it feels like its getting worse with time. Comments range from how stupid I am, to how idiotic my diet is (vegan), to how I’m horrible and neglectful of them (despite the fact that I make 100% of the calls, write 100% of the cards, pay for 100% of the flights to them, find and buy 100% of all the presents for birthdays and xmas, and begged my parents to let them stay in their apartment in the city so my FI family can come and visit), to weird comments about me being a slut (no idea where that one came from). I feel like I just can’t win with them. FI ex gf felt the same way and attempted to confront his family about their treatment of her and it totally blew up and got even worse, so having a constructive conversation isnt an option. What should I do? I can’t keepbeing spoken to this way but I don’t want to implode my FI relationship with his family.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
What does your FI say to them when they make these comments? He should be standing up for you and not letting them treat you this way.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2015 - St. Thomas USVI
It is your FI’s job to stand up for you. If you confront them it will only fuel what they have already been saying about you (not that what they are saying is true but it will undoubtedly give them ammunition). Tell your FI how you feel. Hopefully you are staying in a hotel for the visit, if not, book one. That way if you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed, you have somewhere else to go.
Post # 4
He tries to gently correct them without making a big deal out of it when he sees/hears it, but the worst things have been said when he couldnt hear. A few times his mother has gone in to give me a hug and wispered things into my ear. The weirdest part is they claim to adore me and seem really excited and happy every time I call. How could they like someone they say such aweful things to ? Sometimes its cruel jokes, but a decent percent of the time they’re saying aweful things just cuz. FI is really nervous about making a big deal of anything bc his mother is an unstable bipolar (the meds make her feel not like herself so she doesnt take enough to really stabalize) and he is always afraid of making her emotional and sending her into a manic state.
Post # 5
IMO, You need to stop trying so hard to please them, because they obviously aren’t going to reciprocate and to continue sets you up to be a victim. Also, PP are right, your FI needs to stand up for you.
Remember, you can’t control them. You can’t force them to treat you well. So it’s not about that and it doesn’t matter that the ex was unsuccessful when she tried. Its not about changing them. It’s about standing up for yourself and your marriage, setting boundaries, and refusing to let anyone come between you two. You and FI need to work together to set those boundaries.
Post # 6
I think you need to limit the time you spend with them. Speaking to them about their behaviour and expecting them to change sounds futile, what other solution is there? I would not be able to handle people who claim to love me contiously break me down.
Post # 7
Yea, I think you ladies are right. There is no PC feelings free way of ending this behavior, and this CANNOT continue.
Post # 8
craftylish: there is never any reason to excuse nasty behavior. No one is immune from the responsibility to be civil, including inlaws. Good luck, Bee. 🙂
Post # 9
This is a really weird story. If his family is really this two-faced, they sound super unstable and I don’t think it’s safe for you guys to visit them!
If his mom comes up, hugs you, and whispers something creepy in your ear, step back immediately and say out loud, “I can’t believe you just whispered so-and-so into my ear! What would make you say that to me?!” And then look at your fiancé and let him respond.
If they are calling you truly cruel words like slut and so on, it’s way past time for your fiancé to be responding gently to them. He should be outright angry and on their asses immediately! If they ever repeat anything similar, you guys should just leave. No one should ever have to put up with that kind of abuse.
Post # 10
craftylish: Your fiance needs to take care of this. If he is scared of sending her into a tizzy, then you need to just not see them.
Post # 11
craftylish: Why do you bother? Just stop. There’s nothing that says you have to go out of your way for them. If they don’t appreciate it, they don’t have to have it.
I have told my FI numerous times that it does not compute to spend money on a negative. So I don’t and won’t. Actions have consequences.
Post # 12
Time for your FI to step up and defend you more. FI needs to stop using the “Oh but she’s bipolar” excuse and put your needs ahead of hers. If they say something when he’s not there, tell him and insist he deals with it.
The fact that FI’s ex had the same problem means it’s an ongoing problem. Why did she confront them? Because FI wouldn’t. It’s time he did.
Post # 13
aussiemum1248: She felt it was important that they learn to respect her voice and that she fight her own battles. I respect that, but clearly here it was not the best move.
I’m going to have a talk with FI tonight about the last trip we made out there being the LAST trip where i will be quitely taking the abuse. That either means there will be major changes in how we interact with them this trip, or there will be no more trips there. (Though its killing me to drive such a wedge between him and his family!!)
Post # 14
craftylish: If she whispers in your ear, repeat it loudly like you didn’t understand.
MIL whispers: “Craftylish, you dress like a slut”
You (loudly): “HUH? I dress like a SLUT? why?!”
Post # 15
You go from 100% to 0%. FI’s family = FI’s problem. If he doesn’t have the money to pay to visit them, you don’t go. If he does have the money, he goes on his own. If he’s asked why he’s on his own, he tells them everything you’ve posted on here.
I’m bipolar and I don’t use it as an excuse for acting like a c**t.