Post # 1
Okay first off I don’t want this to become a “who’s the better mom” post. Everyone and every family is different and whats better for you may not be what’s best for your neighbor… So with that said…
I am currently a working mom, my 2 year old son has been going to a wonderful daycare since he was 3 months. Now we are having our second boy in july and I have done a little math and it looks like having the 2 kids in daycare is going to use almost my entire salary!! I will be bringing home 200 dollars every month after daycare, and after gas and car insurance I will be bringing home like 20 bucks!
Whenever I imagine the future I have always seen myself as a stay at home mom. I just don’t think that going to work strictly to pay someone to watch my kids while I work makes much sense to me. If I have the chance to raise my own kids I want to take it!
So sounds like a no brainer right? Well here comes the wrench… My husband doesn’t support the decision at all! I can’t figure it out! No matter how many times I break it down and show him on paper we will literally be bringing in the same amount of money whether I work or not he always comes up with a reason its a bad idea! For example he is going to have to pay my car payment whether I work or not, he is going to have to pay for groceries whether I work or not, etc, etc…
both of our moms and all of our friends with kids are stay at home moms so its not like this is something completely forgein to him either. His main con is that he thinks I will have a hard time re entering the workforce… Now its not like I am giving up some big VP position here! I am an entry level clerk now and would start at the same level when I came back.
So anyone have any ideas what might be holding him back? I really don’t want to force him into this. I want him to be supportive and would hate him to resent me for the decision but I know what I want to do…
Post # 3
Is he worried about his own job at all? That is the only thing I can think of.
Post # 4
He has a very stable job and brings in more then enough to sustain our lifestyle.
Post # 5
Hmm….is that really the only reason?
maybe he wants you to stay at your job so you could move up and make more money?? hmm i can’t think of anything. I just made that up lol
Post # 6
Maybe he doesn’t feel like his job is as stable as you think it is? I don’t know, his opposition seems a bit strange. I know my FI would be jealous if I got to stay at home with the kids because he really hates his job
Post # 7
Hhmmm. That’s a tough one. Have you thought about trying to show him other advantages other the paycheck. Maybe go from it on a more emotional level. Let him know that you would like to be the one to watch your kids and be there for all their “firsts” instead of risking missing it by being at work? Most men do better seeing the financial advantages of things, but maybe he would relate more to your emotional reasons for wanting this?
Post # 8
Could it be that he wants your kids to stay in daycare? Some people feel that it is better for child development/sociability (Not trying to start anything: I have no opinion one way or the other, I’ve just encountered that argument before).
Or, could it be that he feels that it is important for you to have a job for reasons other than money? Maybe he feels that having a career contributes to being a well rounded person?
I’ve no clue, those are just suggestions for why he might feel it is important for you to work outside of the home.
I think you should put him on the spot! Make him clearly articulate his reasons for wanting you to stay in the work force.
Post # 9
It might be because being the sole breadwinner is a lot of responsibility. If you have a job, even if you aren’t bringing in much after paying for day care, you both still have jobs and sources of income. If he is the sole breadwinner, ALL of his money is going toward supporting the family. And if something were to happen and he couldn’t work for a while or lost his job, then all of that stress would fall on him.
Perhaps he’s also thinking about long term. Let’s say you make 30k (just a random number!) right now. If you stay out of the work force, and go back in 5 years, you’ll be starting at around the same amount. But in the next five years, if you get a 3% raise each you, you will be making almost $35k. So by staying out of the workforce, you do lose that opportunity.
I would keep talking to him about it. Rather than just focus on the monetary aspect, can you also discuss how it will be different for your children? Perhaps that will show him that i’s more than just the money… that staying at home will allow you to do different things with your kids.
Also, maybe a time limit will help him feel more comfortable. Being the breadwinner for the next 20 years is stressful. Maybe decide that you guys will try it for one year, and see how it goes. At that point, if it’s not working, you could go back to work. Or if it is working, you could stay at home until the kids are in school (5 years).
Post # 10
I am interested in this as well. I make a decent salary, but it’s by no means huge. I also work 30 miles from home (which, in rush hour traffic translates to anywhere from 45 min to 2 hours each way- if the weather is bad or there’s an accident). My husband also commutes (but in the opposite direction) and works longer hours than I do. As a result, we would need daycare for about 55 hours a week at minimum. Some daycares won’t even accept a kid for that long so I don’t know what we’ll do. I have not really considered staying home though.
I remember reading somewhere, I thought it was here but maybe it was somewhere else, that a woman and her husband figured out that after she paid for daycare and traveling, she had an extra $100 a month. They decided that for that, it wasn’t even worth it and she stayed home. However, she must have worked for some time, and she said that $100 per month sounds like nothing, but it did actually add up.
One thing I will say for your husband though is he might be right about re-entering the workforce- I mean, the economy is really, really bad right now, and having a hole on your resume always puts you at a disadvantage. You have to weigh what’s more important, but I do think he has a legitimate concern. Hopefully you will come to an agreement you both think is fair. Good luck!
Post # 11
FH told me that even if he made a lot of money he would think it was strange if I didn’t work. He told me it was because his mom always worked so it seemed to make sense the both parents should continue to work because thats just what you do! No logic to it but just wanted to throw another option out there.
Post # 12
I totally see your point and if I was in your position I’d want to stay home too. But I do kinda get his position. Yeah right now you make $X. And if you reenter the job force in 5 years you could make $X again. But. If you work for the next 5 years you should get raises – meaning in 5 years you’ll be making $Z. And – it isn’t that easy to reenter the work force after 5 yrs of staying home, and you might not reenter at your current salary. So – I guess I can see where he’s coming from.
Also – that puts A LOT of pressure on him to have a stable income. He might not be able to handle that kind of pressure.
Post # 13
PS What if you guys worked out a part time agreement? You work part time and the kids do part time daycare? This way you still bring in a little money, and are still adding something to your resume?
Post # 14
Another thing he make be thinking about is does your employer contribute to Retirement savings for you? You would lose that. You will also lose building up money and credits in the Social Security system. Just some things to think about. Which job yours or his has beter health insurance?
Post # 15
Maybe it would ease his mind if you could do some sort of work from home option? Without asking him WHAT his specific hesitations are to the idea it’s hard to give you an idea of how to convince him that it makes sense. Perhaps he’s just worried that everything will be dependant on his job.
I’m in the same position – basically I’ll be working just to pay for childcare but I actually don’t WANT to give up working – so I’m going to ask about getting a more flexible schedule and coming into the office later so I don’t have to quit but I also don’t feel like I’m wasting my time working just so I can work. 🙂
Post # 16
Have you asked him what his objection is? point blank?