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I just want to know if other people feel the same way, because I honestly feel alone.
I was an A+ student in high school, and made the dean's list in university. I always tried hard, and got a rush from doing well in school.
I've worked every day since finishing university seven years ago, but I've come to realize that I hate working. And I know lots of people say that they hate working, but... I really resent working. It kills me that every day I go spend 10 hours with people who I care nothing about, and then come home to spend three hours with my SO. It doesn't seem fair.
A few days ago I came to terms with the fact that I just want to spend time with the people I love, and nothing else matters. This is why I have absolutely no interest in developing a career. I just don't care!
Does anyone else feel this way? I want to be a stay-at-home wife and make a great home for my (soon to be) husband, but I feel like people would scoff at that. But I truly feel like that's the only thing that'll make me happy. Is something wrong with me?
There's nothing weird or wrong with you, though I think your dream of being a stay at home wife is probably unrealistic. I'm sure many women here, myself included would love to spend all day at home taking care of the house and stuff...however not many people can afford to live this way, especially in this economy. Right now I work to jobs just to build up our downpayment...do I like it? No. I would love to be home however sacrifice is necessary for achieving any dream....and no, life isn't fair in this regard.
i don't think you weird either and i say if your fi can support you both then why not ...
i have a 5 year old son, i work 50 + hours a week in a crappy job just to make ends meat, my fi has moved to working night for us to afford to get married and to cut out the childcare costs. before my fi was on nights my son attended childcare/school from 7am until 5 pm far to long for a 5 year old and he's done this since he was 2 years old.
i would love the opportunity to be at home and keep house and be with my son more. i know many couples who don't work in my city and somehow seem better of than we do. it's a messed up system here in the uk. but i do believe if one adult can support both then why not. if my fi ever get to a position where he can support both me and my son without me needing to work then... i won't work, i love the freedom that comes with working but i too resent being at work and not with my son. and this is in no way a critism but i couldn't imagine being a stay at home wife... that would drive me crazy ... but a stay at home mum is a different thing altogether imo.
At the moment I'm a stay at home wife-to-be... This was my FH's choice and honestly, I like it and I'm terrified of looking for work after the wedding and new year. I know how you feel. I just graduated uni 5 months ago and I have no interest in building a career from my degree or doing anything really. I still have no idea what to do with my life. I was working two jobs to make some extra for our wedding and got stressed and sick and horrible to live with so FH told me to quit. So our arrangement is I stay home and he works and supports us, but he doesn't hear a thing about housework or anything
I am part of the 1st generation in my family line who is destined to be a working mother. EVERYONE before me were stay-at-home-moms. And I'm jealous. Being a mom is an insanely hard job and if I do it I want to do it full time. Unfortunately, the economy and this country place less importance on motherhood. Which is insane. I can be a nascar driver, an astronaut, a lawyer, but I can't be a stay at home mom. What's up with that?
I still have my fingers crossed that one day we'll make enough to keep me at home to raise kids, but it's looking like I'm going to always be the primary earner and we'll need 2 incomes. Just because being a mother doesn't come with a 401K plan doesn't mean it isn't a job. And I wish someone would recognize that. I didn't want to be an accountant or chef when I grew up. I wanted to be a mom. So, no, you aren't crazy or alone. Until motherhood is recognized as a real occupation it's gonna be a tough dream to accomplish. (Ironic though that daycare is considered a job, but motherhood isn't, right?)
I honestly don't see anything wrong with that IF you can afford it. That's your choice. I think more people are moving towards that mentality given the current state of our economy.
Back in the day you went to work for payoff. You made a good salary, you had job security, you usually had benefits and a 401k, you were putting money into social security to take care of you when you get older. Now all those things are disappearing for most people. Sure, some people have great jobs and all the perks that go with that. But the average person, sadly, will work a shit job until they are too old to do it anymore or their job gets outsourced.
Then when you're 80 years old and still working at Wal Mart you think "Where did it all go?" If you're a homemaker you can spend that time making a nice life for you and those you care about.
Just make sure you have a backup plan in case fiinancially it's not realistic.
@claireos: I don't think it's people not recognizing that motherhood isn't a job - it's a very demanding job! But I don't think it's realistic that sometimes it's discussed like people should be paid for taking care of their children.
I think if you can afford it, then do it!!!
Ive been a stay at home wife for the majority of my marriage regardless that I went to school and had some success in my career field. Some people have said to me "omg there is no way I could stay home, that would drive me crazy" well good for you, but thats what I love doing! lol
I love cooking, cleaning, watching my favorite tv shows, decorating our house, being crafty, getting up at 5am every single morning to make DH breakfast and a lunch for work, and as lame as it sounds- being with my dogs all day lol (we dont have kids) I enjoy everything about being home. You could always get a little part time job if you need to!
Life is too short to not be happy. If your able to do it, then follow your heart and do what you love!!!
I'm currently a SAHM, but started out as a SAH fiance and then was a SAHW.
I have my masters and I had a job when I met my husband. But it was soooo stressful and caused my migraines to go insane. It just wasn't worth it for me. So we talked about it (we were living together at the time), and he encouraged me to quit and said that he would support me financially until after the wedding so I could just focus on wedding planning. And that turned into well let's just wait until after babies because we don't know what I'll be like with migraines and pregnancy. And I've been home ever since!
At first it was pretty hard for me to deal with. I was so focused on school and work for so much of my life that it became so much of my identity. I had to realize that there was more to me than that. My huband was very helpful and let me know that he didn't love me because of my job, he loves me for me!
Like everyone says, you do have to make sure you have the finances for it. We're very lucky that we can afford for me to stay home... but we do struggle sometimes now that we have a baby. For us it's worth it, we've talked about it and we agree that we'd rather me be home with her. But it's def a change for me because I'm not used to not always having money when I need it.
I can definitely relate to the first part of your post. I was always an A+ student, got a 4.0 in college, but I don't feel totally happy with the path I've chosen for work. I like having structure in my day, though, and don't think I could stay home unless it was as a SAHM.
Have you thought about a career field change, or looking for something part time? If it's not financially realistic at this point for you to stay home, maybe you can find something that will be more fulfilling or enjoyable.
I don't think you need to factor in people's potential judgments into your major life decisions, though--if that's what you want and you can afford not to work, you shouldn't let other people's disapproval deter you from doing what you want.
I often feel like these turn into attacks on working mothers when people refer to being a stay-at-home mother as a "full-time mother", as though somehow women who work give up motherhood from the hours of 9-5. That's ridiculous. If anything, being a working mother adds additional stressors because after working all day, you still can't come home and shut your brain off and good luck finding sympathy from your working husband who also worked a full day.
I do NOT believe, as some in this thread have said, that somehow society is not accepting of stay-at-home mothers. Nor do I think at-home mothers deserve a salary. Being a parent requires "work", but it is NOT a job--it is a commitment and a responsibility based on a choice to have children. Obviously, I am not downplaying the significance of parenthood, but I just can't stand when stay-at-home mothers go on and on about how much money they'd earn if they got paid for taking care of their own children. Working mothers work just as hard as stay-at-home mothers.
As to the first post, I say if you can afford it, that's great for you... but I wouldn't rest on my laurels for the next several years. The truth is that life is unpredictable and as much as we want to believe that we will live till 90 with our beloved by our side, it doesn't always work out the way and you need to be prepared to take care of yourself should you ever need to... additionally, you may find that you feel the way you do because you haven't found the right career. Maybe some time would help provide some clarity. It certainly did for me and now I am studying for a new path that has me excited to join this new field. Much luck to you.
If you can do it and it truly makes you happy long term - go for it. It is your life and you decide what you do with it.
I think the most important thing is to find a balance. I know many SAHMs, and at one point I was a SAHGF, and the main thing I noticed was that you go a bit crazy (moreso than you would in most work places). Is working part time at something you really enjoy an option?
@MaraBeth: I feel like SAHW's can make their own structure. I used to have my own cleaning schedule, days that I would grocery shop, do some volunteer work, days that I'd meet friends for lunch, etc. And then I'd always be working on some sort of project around the house. I was always amazed how busy I would stay even though I was jobless!
@fembride045: I dont' think anyone was implying that working mothers don't work just as hard. It's just that it's tough work being a SAHM too! I think there's pro's and cons to each. Even my hubby will fully admit that he has it easier than I do sometimes when he goes off to work and gets a lunch break and bathroom breaks. He comes home to me who's starving because the baby didn't give me a break all day long!
I want to be a home-maker (and someday, stay-at-home mother) too. We are not financially in that place yet... but hopefully someday.
I do half of the cleaning and both of us would be much more comfortable if I were at home all the time to make sure the house is in good shape because both of us come home from our full time jobs and are exhausted and don't want to clean.
To each his/her own! There is nothing wrong with it...but I've never even considered it. Why not? I don't know. I gradutated college with a useless degree (like all college degrees other than teaching or an MD) and I was lucky enough to fight thru and end up with a decent job. By "decent" I mean a job that pays the bills and is 99% secure. FI is still in school and jobless at the moment. We can't afford to live on my salary alone so I've never even thought about NOT working.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd like to be a SAHM. I feel like I would have so much more time to devote to good things in life....like missions, charity, and basically serving God. Yes, I believe that you can serve God in every way, but I feel like I spend so much at work that I'm not doing all I can. Society tells you to go to school and get a job, but there are plenty of things you can do without a 9-5 and still have everything you need and most of the things you want. I hope to do some research on this once things slow down and when FI and I are married and DINK's.
@MsGolightly: I am currently a stay at home single girl (I broke up with FI 4 months ago) and I have been the corporate woman since I graduated college 8 or 9 years ago. At first it felt good to not be stressed but now I'm ready to go back to work. I enjoy making tough decisions and I like the financial success. This time off work has helped me decide that I will still work when I have my baby. Personally, a working soladylike is a happy soladylike. Good luck with your choice but I just wanted to give you the view of a woman that can stay home but is looking for a career again.
Wow, you took the words and feeling right out of my mouth. Being so caught up in being in love and focused on our relationship, each other and wedding... Well I feel that nesting desire as well. That I really just want to spend the remainder of my life enjoying the things I value and love. But my fiancé and I see that for us as "retirement" as I am in my late 30s and he is 50. So we work our jobs, we cherish the four or so hours we get to spend together each week night, and we make the weekends all about us and doing those things we love.... We make the most of them and celebrate that they come again after just five days of work. While at work, be it a good or a bad day, I try to remain mindful of all that it provides... Which is an opportunity to contribute (in whatever way), and the gratitude of having money which helps support us know and is helping to secure our retirement, which will be early for me in just ten years (age 47) which I can live with. Then we will get to be together every day and we will also have enough money to travel and not be so tight in life.
But for you... You are not in the wrong about your feelings at all! Feelings are valid and it is your life and you get to create it anyway you see fit. If your family unit can afford it, and your SO supports you in it, then be happy at home and make your contributions there and to yourself with the freedom from working. Nothing wrong with it at all.
if you can do it, why not! You get to make your own choices in life, society doessnt. So fi you feel that you wnt to be a stay at home wife, whose to tell you not to? Its amazng! and since you want to look after your family then great! Even if people dont get it, its not ther job to get it..I want to be a stay at home wife and soon to be a stay at home mom too.. Dont really worry to much about it.. you can even work at home if you choose to be..
I feel there is absolutly nothing wrong with being a SAHW and/or mom. Who cares what people think about it. Let them do what's best for them and you do what's best for you. I have a masters degree yet have never found the title career to be admirable. Personally I find it very hard to maintain a home and family, and work a full time job. I hate the thought of rushing from work, shuffeling and shutteling kids around all while trying to make sure that we all get a nutritious meal around the table at least three days out the week. Then there's church and a thousand other "things." I would like to regularly take my spouse lunch at work or attend field trips with the kids. I dream of being able to volunteer in the kids class at will. I sometimes think these rushed and overly consuming lifestyles are related to the overall degradation of society (i.e. less family time.) If it werent for student loans I WOULD NOT work.
YES!! I totally feel this way and always have, and I have 3 degrees at distinction level and started in a great career job which I quit to be more relaxed and have more time & energy for my home and now-hubby. Family is everything, and career is unimportant to me.
I would love to be a stay at home wife, with maybe a part time job if I get too bored. I say if it is financially possible then go for it. Life is too short to be unhappy. Also IMO you are never "wrong" for feeling a certain way about anything!
I feel the same desires, ever since meeting FI. I want to be home, have a baby and take care of our house and manage our lives so he can work and come home to a nice place. However, I have to work right now. And yes, I do find working to be stupid sometimes, but since I'm not married, I need the health insurance.
The biggest issue I have with working is that I feel as though I am doing something I don't love. FI knows this and sees how I am a passion over money type of person...and said that he will support us after we are married so I can go back to school for what I want. After that, if we have a baby, I'll stay home till they are old enough to go to school (although I"ll probably try to work part time once they are no longer an infant) to cut back on childcare costs.
For me, knowing I can someday have a job I love keeps me going. I just have to hang on till June, and then hopefully I'll get into school. I was in the same boat as you for a while, I just wanted to be home!....My advice? Start hunting around at possible things you may enjoy doing as a career. Maybe you can do something part time! If you can afford to stay at home, that's awesome, but if you and your FI can't....then maybe you should focus more on what you want to do (although I'll admit that is soooo hard to figure out) and less on staying at home, so that when you do figure out what you want...you can be happy. :)
@pccl: I wouldn't say all college degrees are useless other than teaching or MD! It depends on your field. I'm a chemist and I say my degree is definitely not useless!
And to the OP, it's def your choice if you want to stay home, I just hope it lives up to what you want! For me, if think I would get cabin fever. Maybe you are just in the WRONG career, instead of hating work in general?
I am in the opposite, but related position. : ) My dream is to make enough so that my fiancee can be a stay at home mom/wife. Although, she is an artist, so ideally her part time "job" (once the kids are in school) will be working in her studio on whatever. It's kind of odd because growing up my mom was a stay at mom and I always kind of wanted to be a stay at home mom myself. But now, being in a relationship with another woman, I've realized she's much better at it than I, not to mention I have higher income potential so it just makes sense to do it this way. And I LOVE coming home to a delicious meal and a clean apartment. It's seriously wonderful.
I don't think you're in the wrong for feeling this way. Hell, I feel the exact same way! Unfortunately, we cannot afford to have a comfortable marriage, and have the "extras" we want without both of us working right now.
If you have the money to stay at home and live comfortably without sacrificing anything, and your husband doesn't mind, go for it.
I can relate to the getting great grades, getting a "good" job, and then not liking it. The thing is, I think that is VERY common. I think that most people, if given the chance to just not work, wouldn't work. Because work isn't fun. And I think that for some reason-- that is surprising to our generation. Our parents didn't expect to have fun at work or to love their job-- they expected to put in their time and get a paycheck to feed us. I'm not sure why I and my friends thought it would be different for us and that somehow work would be fulfilling in and of itself. Sure, there are SOME people that really enjoy their jobs but I think that the majority, if they had the option to just sit at home, would. But for me personally? I would never do it. I would feel absolutely terrible letting my husband support me (in a job that isn't exactly fun either) because I just don't like working. I think part of being an adult is sucking up the not fun parts of life and doing what you need to do. Which is work. Now if you're fiance is somehow okay with you just not doing anything-- fine-- that is between you two. But personally I feel like your feelings are not at all uncommon or unusual, but your response IS a bit unusual because it does not seem reasonable to me to just not work because you don't like it.
I would love nothing more, and honestly, my husband could support us on what he makes. But, the reality is, I need to work so we can be able to afford to travel, go out when we want, and save for the future. So, we've decided that we will both work our butts off now, and then retire early. Luckily, the job that I do can afford me the luxury of early retirement, as long as you work it hard for the time that you are involved
I certainly understand this; I love taking care of my FI and seeing him happy and stress free at home.
BUT, I dont ever see myself being a stay at home wife. I dont really get it unless one's husband as like a really high powered job: works at a hedgefund, named partner in a law firm, CEO, or something. But that's just me. Im one of those unfortunate souls where, at least right now, my career success on right on par with my personal success. And even if Fi brought home 800k a year, I would always be thinking.....well, If I worked we could have 1mill a year. I dont know if Im greedy or what. Another thing is, while men are hard wired to be providers, Im sure not all of them love to go to work everyday. They are just as frustrated and put off by the whole work-grind as women are and yet if my FI said he wants to be a stay at home husband, I would seriously give him the side-eye.
In terms of career, I think it's harder to care about work when you aren't doing something that pays you AND feeds your soul. Work is a lot more enjoyable when you feel a more personal connection to what you are doing.
But if you wanna be a Stay at home wife, DO IT.
Steve Jobs said it best, right:
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary
If we could afford to do that, I would love to! I hate thinking that someday when we have kids I won't be able to afford to stay home with them. If DH ever got a better paying job (he has a good job now, but definitely doesn't make enough for me to stay home) I would definitely stay home. I never thought I would say that. I always was very career driven, I have my Master's degree and all that...but now I just would rather stay home and take care of the house and hopefully children!
@CorgiTales: And I think that for some reason-- that is surprising to our generation. Our parents didn't expect to have fun at work or to love their job-- they expected to put in their time and get a paycheck to feed us. I'm not sure why I and my friends thought it would be different for us and that somehow work would be fulfilling in and of itself.
THIS. We were brought up thinking we could have everything all at once, when that's not realistic. Everything in life comes with a tradeoff. It's ok to work to live. I don't love having to work every day, but the tradeoff is financial security and the ability to work toward my dream (farming/stay-at-home gardener LOL). And I do like working toward something.
@Aubergold: "They are just as frustrated and put off by the whole work-grind as women are and yet if my FI said he wants to be a stay at home husband, I would seriously give him the side-eye." <--- This.
I think that for the most part, even if you had a good job, if their husbands decided to just stay home and not work (and there was no kids) just becuase he didn't like working...... I'd feel like he was lazy. So I dunno what it is somewhat okay for women to do the same. I would always support a change of careers (even to one that made far less money) to try to find work that made you happier. But just staying home entirely because I don't like my job would make me feel childish.
@MsJeep23: Right. Neither of my parents ever liked their jobs but they were grateful just to have them and have money to support us! Maybe it is also part of our generation that we have kids so much later so we don't feel that drive to work to support our children? I don't know. But I do know that my mom didn't like working at the video store or at walmart or running the after school program at the elementary school. Those are not fun jobs, but she was grateful just to be working.
@CorgiTales: Agree!
I know that I would not feel as though I am pulling my fair share and that I would not find staying home all the time fulfilling. Especially if you are able to work and have a job,I would keep working, but maybe cut back hours. Are you planing on children, if so maybe you could work to save up for when they come and then stay home?
I don't see anything wrong with this at all. I am a stay at home wife! I love being a home-maker. I love cooking & cleaning, taking care of my husband, ect! It might not be everyone's cup of tea. But if you can afford it & you & your SO is okay with it then why not? My husband loves that I am a stay at home wife. He would never hold me back from working outside our home though. I mention this because this is something everyone should talk about with their SO before deciding. Some men might not find it fair if you stay home while he works.
I am in some sort a little traditional. We are from the country & being a stay at home wife isn't abnormal to see.
My husband & I see ourselves as a team. He works for the money & brings home the bacon. I work at home to keep things clean & cooked, ect. & We are hoping soon to be parents! :-)
I'm probably going to be slammed for this, I'm a bit confused. I totally understand SAHMs. There's a million things to do while raising a child that can fill a day, but what exactly do SAHWs do all day? I find it hard to beleive that there is enough cleaning, cooking and shopping to fill a full work day 5-7 days a week.
OP, maybe instead of giving up work entirely, you should try to find a career you can be more passionate about, even if it is a pay decrease.
If it's for you go for it, there's nothing wrong with how you feel. However for me personally I would always want to be financially independent. Careers are not always something you can just jump back into if the "what if" happens. How would you support your family then? I currently work 3 12 hr shifts a week so I'm home alot and take care of 95% of the housework, don't get me wrong I love taking care of my husband; but I would not want my life to be only this. I don't always love my job or love working, but that's being human. I am though, greatful for my job and worked hard to get where I am and I just can't walk away from that. I guess for me, I've seen too many realities of SAHW/SAHM now working 2 jobs, 90+ hours week to make ends meet bc of divorce, deaths etc. That's not for me.
@MrsMcGyro: I think it's a valid question but SAHW's days can be fairly full. It really just depends on a number of factors. Besides the obvious household responsibilities (meals, laundry, cleaning, bills.etc.) there are errands, parental responsibilites (i.e. elderly parents), car and house maintenance, volunteering obligations, church obligations, his and her meetings with bankers, realtors,insurance people. I can go on and on. Trust me when I tell you people think when you don't work one is "free" all day and that is where the "can you" and "will you" ramp up.
@fembride045: I think you make some important points!
I'm all for women being happy and choosing to stay home to care full time for your family and household, if financially possible. As newlyweds, we are optimistic and hopeful that we'll live happily ever after... as we should be! But it is important to remember that in case we do end up in a situation where we need to support ourselves, it's good to have education/ job experience to fall back on. Now, I'm not saying I live my life in fear of or with the expectation that my marriage won't work out, but it's an important factor to think about.
I don't know what I'll do when the time comes... I think working part-time is ideal, because you're still bringing in some income and staying in your field (or gaining work experience at least), but you also have some time with the kids. There are no easy answers! I also love my job, so that helps :) But, that could all go out the window when I see my future baby's gorgeous face and maybe I won't want to leave him/ her at all! I just think it's important to think about yourself, too.
You guys do whatever's right for you. If you have the money to stay home then do it.
Personally I'm only going to be working part time at my new job, which will be good because I can make money and stay busy but I also have time to cook, clean, buy groceries, take care of the baby when he/she comes etc. I can also pick up as many hours as I want or don't want. I was brought up with serious working parents, I never saw them call out ever. And we're pretty poor ourselves so not working isn't an option. I've been working per diem and when I don't work at all for a while I feel really useless. Honestly, I don't think you'll last. Eventually you'll find a job you're into. But if you don't and you love staying home, go for it.
Who cares if people scoff?
@MissGreen: "However for me personally I would always want to be financially independent. Careers are not always something you can just jump back into if the "what if" happens."
This exactly.
DH is a police officer, so he is very unlikely to lose his job. But what if, god forbid, something happens and he can't do it anymore? Processes and technology in my industry change all the time. Who would hire me if my knowledge and skills are behind current standard and I was competing with people who have more recent work experience?
I don't always like my job, but I feel better having two incomes so that if something were to happen, we'd still have money coming in. It's easier to build up emergency savings this way, too.
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