Stay or Go?

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@SouthernBell0628:  is this the type of family that you want to marry into??  there’s your answer.

Post # 4
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Wow. I don’t even know what to tell you. I’m just shocked that he wouldn’t stand up to his mother in that situation and allowed her to kick you out of his home. Seriously?? That would’ve been the end of it for me. 

Post # 5
Member
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It wasn’t the mother that kicked you out at that hour with nowhere to go, it was your BF.  He made his choice and I would have made mine.

Post # 6
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@mypinkshoes:  +1

My SO is also in grad school, also 27.  We both have parents who are very involved in our lives, but, there was no lying about us being together, EVER.  We live together, both of our parents know, they are both on board and know what is up.  

We are relatively fortuante to be independent somewhat financially and we do not use them as a crutch, so maybe this has a BIG part to do with why his mother has control?  It’s odd to me that his mother would come and find you with her sisters (or his father sisters?), what is THAT about?

I share a bit about my story to let you know that not all 27 year old grad students live under their parents thumb!  How long is this control going to go on, and how is it going to affect your life?  And do you want it to affect your life?

PS…His mom doesn’t HAVE to like that you two were staying together.  If you had been drinking and had planned to stay, if anything, I can see her enforcing you staying on his couch or something but kicking you out?  It’s not too much about if your BF should have let you stay but where is her decency as a parent…I mean, you are someone’s kid too!  UGH!

Good luck and hugs to you!

Post # 8
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@SouthernBell0628:  So is his apartment and car paid for by them? I mean I’m not knocking being helped out by parents, especially when in a difficult schooling program, but if it’s causing all of these issues it might be time for him to consider other options. Just out of curiosity, is there a cultural connection to his parents behavior?

Post # 9
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I don’t feel like it’s worth it. This is something you will have for the rest of your life. You will never have a chance to have your own life and make your own decisions. Do you want to have that forever? What about kids? = I dunno. I wouldn’t stay. But that’s just me.

Post # 11
Member
8914 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

The real question is whether he puts your first or his family’s demands first.  Obviously he put them first in the example you gave.  Is that still the case?  If so, I’d bail.  If not, it won’t be easy, but you can deal with them as a partnership knowing that you always have each other’s backs.

For me, it would really come down to his behavior and who he prioritizes.  (Not who he SAYS is most important, but what his actions show.)

Sorry you’re dealing with this :/

Post # 14
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@SouthernBell0628:  You should have dumped him there and then. Sorry but a 27 year old that lets his mother kick his girlfriend out into the night on her own is not a man.

Post # 15
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

I think you need to leave to find an actual grown man to date. He’s 27 for crying out loud, he’s had nearly a decade to mature enough to make his own rules about who stays in his home and not have to worry about his MOM being legally able to take his car from him. A few years after turning 18 is fine to rely on your parents while you get on your feet, but 27 is pushing it. At that point your mom’s wishes should simply be suggestions rather than rules.

Post # 16
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@SouthernBell0628:  I saw where you mentioned to a different poster about you having a career and a house, and clearly you are not dependent on your family.  It’s got to be hard for you to be as independent as you are and see him have his family as a crutch that will always be in his life like this.

You haven’t mentioned anything about your SO’s father–Why is that?  Is there a divorce or a death that is enabling the mom to be dependent on her family and son like this?

 

If you want this relationship to work, I’d at least sit down and talk with your SO.  Ask him specific questions about how long he thinks that things will be like this for-and how does he envision life with his future wife and kids?  If his mom gets older is he going to put her in a home or want him to live with her?  I’d write out a list of questions, write down your answers, then maybe put a star next to the non-negotiable things you see for your future with or without him in it.  If you two are not on the same page about things, then it might be time to cut your losses.  If he is willing to bend or can’t stand his life the way it is, maybe he can claim residency in a different state and that would help to allieviate a LOT of you stress if you are willing to move.

Good Luck!

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