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We've completely thrown tradition out the window on our STDs and will probably do the same on our invites. We just wrote Kelly & Rob for the names (on the STD) and will do Rob & Kelly on our invites. Of course, our wedding is VERY informal (about 2 steps above jeans! haha), so I wanted to let people know that easily. As for the + guest thing I'm hoping to learn the names of those we didn't know. We probably commited an atrocious crime but didn't list the + guest on the STD but will on the actual invitation.
We also addressed both our invitations and our STDs to: Jane and John Smith rather than Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. Partly because we just like it better, and partly because my parents actually wanted their first names used on the invitations, which sort of sets the tone. Frankly, I would be really surprised if more than a few of the weddings being planned today are actually formal - meaning that the guests are required or at least requested to wear either white or black tie. So to get really hung up over what are the conventions for the invitation to a formal event is a little silly.
And don't worry about your STDs - you don't actually need to list guests on the STD - you're not inviting anyone with that piece of stationery, just getting yourself on their calendar. Delineating whether kids are invited, or whether a guest is allowable, can be left to the invitation.
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I'm getting ready to mail out my save the dates, and I'm not sure what the protocol is for addressing envelopes to unmarried couples who will be invited together. There are two situations I'm not sure about:
1) An unmarried couple who lives together and will both be invited to the wedding -- I assume I should include both names on the envelope, even though it's just the STD and not the actual invite? If so, do I address it to Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Johnson? Do you put your friend's name first and his/her guest second, or is it always female first, then male for heterosexual couples?
2) An unmarried couple that does not live together, but who have been together for a long time (this is for a situation where I'm only friends with one half of the couple, not both of them, so I wouldn't be sending separate STDs/invites to each of them). Do I put "Ms. Jane Doe and Guest"? Or should I include the guest's name even though they don't live together? Or, for an STD, do you just list "Ms. Jane Doe" and not include the "and Guest" until you send the actual invite?
Thanks for any advice, I'm totally clueless about this stuff!