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I think I would send it. If you're close to them I'd speak to them and say something like, "I know you're not in a position to travel so please don't take this as me trying to guilt or force you into going but just know that you're important to me and I just couldn't not include you"
Ugh, I totally know what you mean. I'm in a somewhat similar situation and it's really tricky. I think it's probably a better idea to just send it to them, and maybe send a note with it along the lines of what jennifer espos suggested above.
The problem is that I'm not that close to them, and I don't know if a note or a call would have the intended effect...
I think you need to send them to anyone that you are inviting, regardless of whether or not you think they will be able to come. I think it is kind of insensitive to assume that they can't make the trip because of their circumstances. I know that even if I can't afford to go to someone's wedding I still like the feeling of knowing that I was invited.
@rachel leigh - That's how I feel about it, too. My mother's opinion is a bit different, though.
I don't think I would send a save the date if I know they wont be coming, and if I'm not close with them. What if they tell you or family member when they get the STD that they wont be able to come to the wedding and then you have to basically ask them to come again when you send the invitation. I don't know...
A save the date is like a pre invite, if your planning on inviting them, you need to send them one.
If I was not in a position financially to attend a wedding, I wouldn't want someone making that decision for me by not sending me an invite. I say send it and they will tell you whether they can come or not.
I invited people that I knew weren't going to attend because it makes people feel good.
I sent them to everyone I'm sending invites to, even though I know some of them won't be able to make it. I agree that you can't make that decision for them. If you, however are only sending them invites because you know they can't make it anyway (and don't particularly mind if they don't make it), you might consider instead sending announcements after the wedding to those people.
from what i've read in magazines you should always send the std, and let it be the decision of the guest as to whether they can or cannot make it.
@gamblina - That's pretty much what the etiquette books say, but my mother seems to feel pretty strongly that my cousins will feel as though I'd be communicating my expectation that they show up when I know that the can't.
I guess the whole thing gets me upset because I feel as though my mother thinks I just expect everyone to drop everything for my wedding or am under the illusion that anyone besides me (and my FI) cares whether they receive an STD, invitation, etc. I know that, outside our immediate families no one really cares that we're getting married, because, well, it's not like people don't get married all the time. I just want people to feel included if theyd like to be involved.
I think you should send it. If other relatives get the STD and they don't, they'll feel like second class citizens you don't want to come to your wedding. Send the STD. If they aren't in the position to travel, they will decline your invitation. Who knows - their situation may change by the time you get married allowing them to attend after all.
i still think that you should send it:) if they think you're being rude by including FAMILY on the save the dates then they are wrong! it's your WEDDING and don't let anyone (even your mother) let you think your day is not important! there is nothing wrong with that- and it's NOT being a bridezilla!
i think that if they relay after recieving the std that they won't be able to make it then at that point ask your mom to respond that you totally understand, but just to let her know if things change. then you will know their intentions and not even send them an actual invitation!
if you just were to send an invite and not a std then they might think you were fishing for gifts so this might be a way to get around all that too;)
I would definitely send one, I think you will hurt more feelings if you don't. I love how moms complicate things. Just do what you think is best, and what you feel most comfortable with.
We sent invites and STDs to people even if we knew they couldn't come. We thought of it as a gesture saying that we would like them to be there but we understand that they can't be. It seems rude to not send them anything just because they can't come.
First, you need to decide whether you truly want these people at your wedding, and "they invited me to theirs" is not necessarily a reason to invite them to yours. I can't imagine that anyone really wants an invitation born out of obligation. If you genuinely want them there, then I would send a save-the-date. The decision whether or not to invite them is yours to make, but they get to choose whether or not they can attend.
@redherring - I think you misunderstood my post. The question is not whether I want them at my wedding - clearly I do or I wouldn't be sending an invitation. Rather, my mother is wondering whether sending an STD implies an expectation on my part that they will attend - one that is unreasonable given their financial circumstances.
I sent STDs to everyone on my A list. I know some of them will not come, but I wanted them to know that I was thinking of them. Quite frankly, I'm hoping that some won't come so I can keep my guest list down.
Then that makes it way easier! If you genuinely would like them to attend, then I'd send an STD. The advance notice might give them enough time to find cheaper travel arrangements. Plus, it would suck to inadvertently cause hurt feelings when they hear about so-and-so getting an STD when they did not.
(However, FWIW, I'm having a similar issue with FMIL, who thinks we should NOT send STDs to some of my fiance's uncles, for fear that it will seem like we *expect* them to attend. It's a difference of opinion, and maybe a generational thing. I don't think STDs were as common in our parents' generation. In this decade, however, with how busy everyone seems to be, I think it's just common courtesy to give people as much advance notice as possible.)
You can't be responsible for what your cousins think is expected of them. In today's economy, I think people are feeling more and more comfortable with calling a spade a spade (ie: if they can't afford something, they don't do said thing). I think it would be insulting for them not to be invited because you assume they are not able to figure out a way to come or will feel obligated to - even if they can't afford it.
I'd send the STD and allow your cousins to decide what's best for them in their current situation. Tell your mom you appreciate her input, but think it's best to be fair to all those you intend to invite.
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My mother and I are having a disagreement re: STDs, and I'm honestly not sure what to do at this point.
My FI and I are inviting a number of people to our wedding who we don't expect will attend for reasons of cost. That's perfectly fine, and we anticpated that the decision to get married in NYC would mean a small headcount.
On my FI's side we're sending STDs to everyone - even people we know for a fact aren't coming - because almost the entire family lives in the same town and everyone communicates frequently. We don't want cousins who did get something in the mail to call up the ones who didn't and wind up fielding a bunch of hurt phone calls because folks assume they aren't invited. Or, worse, that we don't really want them to come (even though they can't.)
On my side, it's trickier. I have cousins to whom I am not close, but to whose weddings I was invited. These cousins are really (REALLY) not in a position to travel to NYC. My mother feels that sending them STDs would be insensitive, and imply that I expect them to make an effort to attend even though it's impossible. I worry that it's patronizing to send the invitation only, particularly when their parents and grandparents have gotten STDs, because it assumes that I know their priorities better than they do, and highlights the fact that I'm aware of their financial situation (ie: That there has been family gossip.)
So do I send or not? Which is less insensitive? Am I just chasing my tail and making a mountain out of a molehill?