Post # 1
Fiance and I mailed save the dates on Saturday and included the wedding website address. I was so excited tonight when I got an email saying someone had written in our guest book! But… it was FI’s cousin… who is not invited to the wedding 🙁 We sent the STD specifically addressed to just the parents (and we’ll send the invite to just to parents), but now I don’t know what to do! I feel bad, but we just can’t invite too many people and Fiance barely even knows his cousins (or his aunts and uncles, but FI’s mom wanted to invite them, which is fine). Should we ask FI’s mom to let them know we have limited space now, or should we just send out the invites and hope they get the picture?
Post # 3
bump? (sorry! I just don’t know what to do and it’s really stressing me out!!!!)
Post # 4
Just because they’re FAMILY, they think/assume they are all invited… sorry you have to deal with that!
Post # 5
Did she just congratulate you? Or did she write something like “I’m so excited for your wedding”. It’s possible she was just sending some well wishes and knows she isn’t invited.
Post # 6
Eek! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We’re going to be sending our STD’s in the next few months and this is one of my fears. We’re inviting a lot of FI’s extended family that he barely knows so it will be very similar to your situation.
As for contacting them, I think you or Fiance should be the ones to do it. Even though he may not know them well, I think they’ll respect the answer more coming right from the source. Have Fiance call his Aunt or Uncle and explain that even though you’d love to celebrate with his cousins, due to venue constraints, it’s not possible. I’m sure they’ll understand, and will appreciate hearing it from you or your Fiance. I wouldn’t wait until you send out the actual invites. Just get it out in the open sooner than later.
Post # 7
Sigh. We’re having this issue, too. The wedding website clearly states that teenage children only – no one younger – and people we know have seen the website are talking about how younger family members will be there. Fiance is awesome about this, and happy to explain to them that younger children can’t come, but it’s still a hassle and a source of stress.
I’m developing a theory that the only way to survive this process is to resign myself to the absolute certainty of pissing people off. I hate it, and I’d do anything to avoid it, but it seems unavoidable. So, since no matter what I do, people will be pissed, I’m just going to do what I want, so at least that way I’ll be happy. This is my new mantra. I need to repeat it as much as possible. Thanks for letting me do so here 🙂
Post # 8
She wrote something like “I’m so excited to attend your wedding.” Definitely used the word “attend.”
I asked Fiance last night how many cousins he has because our guest list shortened a bit and we have space for 15 more people. He didn’t know, but he’s pretty sure it’s more than 15 and he wouldn’t want to invite one cousin if we couldn’t invite them all. I asked him how old this particular cousin is, and he didn’t know. I asked when was the last time he saw her, and he thinks maybe when he was in middle school, but he’s not sure. He said he thinks it’s unfair but justified that all my cousins are invited (I see them multiple times a year) but his are not. Now I feel bad we can’t invite all his cousins! Ugh! Is this what wedding planning is… feeling guilty for not being able to make everyone happy at once?!
Post # 9
@ProfessorGirl: to resign myself to the absolute certainty of pissing people off.
And that’s what you have to do…. because people just don’t “get it”!
Post # 10
@ProfessorGirl: LOVE your mantra! I need to try that!
Post # 11
So I’m not someone who invites myself to weddings, but I would assume that if my cousin is having a wedding that I would be invited. Normally cousins are on the mandatory list.
How old is this cousin though? I drew my line at 16. If they were younger than 16 they didn’t get an invite.
Post # 12
@PinkMagnolia: Not entirely sure how old the cousin is (FI has no idea), but probably older than 16…
Post # 13
That mantra is pretty good! That’s a tough one, since she’ll know you saw the message since it’s on your guest book. Oh, and as far as the cousin fairness goes, it is perfectly fair to base the invite list on who you are close to! My cousin was only inviting aunts, uncles, parents, and siblings to their wedding, but even his Fiance was like, “Well you HAVE to invite Courtney and her brother, they’re more like siblings than cousins!” and I was so glad she understood and that they did make an exception, it would of sucked if I had to miss his wedding when we’re super close just because she isn’t close to her cousins. Stand your ground!
But maybe next time Fiance talks to his aunt or uncle he could mention her message and say you’re touched that they’re excited for you, but that unfortunately you couldn’t invite everyone in both of your extended families, and that is why the STD was addresed just to the aunt and uncle, and you hope she’ll understand.
Post # 14
@Beckster329: ” Is this what wedding planning is… feeling guilty for not being able to make everyone happy at once?!”
and… no. Because they will eventually get it. and you will get over it.
I had the exact same thing happen! We sent our STD magnets in Christmas cards to select family, and I guess one of my partner’s Aunts saw the magnet on Grandma’s fridge and took it upon herself to visit our wedsite and sign the guest book with “so happy for you guys, can’t wait to celebrate your special day!” or something to that effect.
like you, it threw us for a loop, since we hadn’t sent her a save the date, or a Christmas card, or planned on inviting her. My partner just isn’t close with them (she married into the family too, it’s the Uncle that is blood related)
after talking it over, she decided to talk to her via Facebook about the wedding and her response was a total about-face, saying “oh I was just joking! I know we aren’t invited, it’s too far across the country anyway, Lol!”
people are weird.
Post # 15
Unfortunately, you have to just stand your ground and you are definitely gonna make some people mad. There are a lot of people who have requested an invite to our wedding, and I’m just like, wtf?! I would NEVER think to invite myself to a wedding. I guess that’s because I am actually planning a semi-formal wedding on a budget, and I know the expenses that go into it.
Either you have a family that is only used to casual weddings, where the food is potluck and the guest list is open to everyone who shares even a half percent of blood with the wedding couple (and their neighbor’s co-worker’s friends). Or, you’ll have a family where everyone is so financially privileged, that weddings normally include all relatives because the people can actually afford it.
The former applies to my family. Everyone expects an invite because they don’t realize how expensive this whole deal is. I’ve just had to be clear that we don’t have the money to host everyone.
Post # 16
Some people write in your guest book just to wish you well that doesnt mean they plan on coming to the wedding.