Post # 1
hi ive been watching the boards for a long time but finally felt the need to make a post. I truly hope everyone can help me find some insight into what has become a total nightmare for me.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years and I’d been hoping for an xmas proposal. needless to say, that didn’t happen. in the first week of january he explained that he had been trying to find a ring but was having difficulty doing it on his own. he then asked if we could shop for the ring together. we ordered the ring in the third week of january. unfortunately, due to shipping delays the ring is a week late coming in. we got a call from the jeweller and he planned a proposal for wednesday.
Last night his cousin proposed to a girl whom dated and known less than six months. can’t help but feel incredibly upset. in no way do want them to think we are stealing their thunder. the family has asked that we postpone our engagement until may at a minimum. ve been waiting for this since november, and feel like my worlds been turned on end. as petty as know it is, can’t help but feel like after 2.5 years it should have been us.
I guess just need encouragement and some insight. how long do you think is appropriate to wait? want to make sure we both have our times to celebrate and no one feels overshadowed but so ready for this engagement. if anyone please has some experience and advice on avoiding family conflict it would b much appreciated.
Post # 3
@trainergirl: I’m probably going to have the unpopular vote and say, why wait? I never understood this whole “stolen thunder” concept, are people really that needy for attention? Your relationship has nothing to do with their relationship, why should it matter? It’s not like you’re planning on having your wedding on the same day or proposing at her wedding.
Post # 4
I say don’t put off your engagement! It’s his cousin, not even his brother or sister. They had their day, and you will get yours. Don’t let them affect your happiness.
Post # 5
I agree with everyone else. Why are you waiting? It’s YOUR life, YOUR relationship. He should have proposed whenever he wanted to.
Post # 6
I don’t understand the “stealing thunder” notion. A friend and I got engaged on the same day and we didn’t view it as one of us upstaging the other– it was a reason to celebrate together.
Your happiness does not diminish theirs. Don’t let them dictate your life.
ETA: I did just remember the two times I thought someone was “stealing thunder.” First: one of DH’s friends was getting married– another one of their friends proposed the night before the wedding and the woman wore the ring to the ceremony/reception and was talking about the proposal. Second: one of DH’s friends was getting married and one of the GMs asked the DJ to dedicate a song to his wife at the reception.
You aren’t doing either of those things.
Post # 7
I do not think it’s appropriate to ask you guys to wait. My engagement period was shared with two cousins (one on each side of my family). Granted, there was quite a bit of time in between proposals (cousin 1 and I had about 5 months separation, cousin 2 and I had about 7 months). Heck, I even had a cousin get engaged after me and have his wedding before mine. I was a little bummed that they had theirs before ours, but in hindsight, it wasn’t a big deal at all. Plus, it was nice to be able to talk to my cousins, knowing they were going through the planning stress just like me!
You could always respond with, “Okay, we’ll wait, but we want them to wait a minimum of 5 months after our wedding to get married.” 🙂 Okay, that’s slightly snarky of me.
I just remembered…I even had a friend and her sibling get engaged 3 weeks apart! They were completely fine with it. I think everyone worries about thunder stealing (I was guilty of this, too), but in reality…there’s enough joy to go around.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2014 - Muhlhauser Barn
My cousin proposed to his girlfriend exactly one week after my FI & I got engaged, in a very similar way to the way my FI proposed to me. I’m ecstatic for them, because I know that they have been together longer then my FI & I have been together. We were respectful & picked dates that weren’t near each other — they’re getting married this fall, we’re getting married the following spring. Honestly, it’s nice having someone else who is engaged at the same time, you can share ideas with each other & it’s interesting to see just how different your dream weddings are from each other. I don’t see any reason to wait as long as you’re respectful about the decisions you make — ie. don’t plan a wedding in the same month, don’t plan on getting married at the same location, & don’t use their color scheme. Good luck!
Post # 9
I say don’t wait. You really don’t need some long story to justify why you’re getting engaged at this time. All you need is, “we love each other and we want to get married”. If you saw that they were getting engaged and decided you just had to have a ring right now then it would be different, I say “thunder stealer”, if there is even such a thing. But if the ring was already in the works and ordered before you honestly knew anything about his cousins plans then go ahead. If you did know and tried to fit it in before them and failed then I’d say wait.
Now you have the issue of picking dates. Just know your weddings might end up being close to each others. That’s what happens when engagments are close. Maybe if they’re going to have a spring wedding you should have a fall one, so as to give some time between. Space things out as much as possible but it’s not always possible.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
It would be ridiculous of anyone to expect you to wait til May! Maybe a week or two if you particularly want to be super considerate – but I’d go for it whenever.
Post # 11
I say, it’s a cousin, go ahead and get engaged. If it was a close siblings, maybe not, but a cousin, you should be fine.
In our case, DH had planned a proposal for 3/31. He had all of the plans set in Feb and had plans to talk to my parents right after we got back from a missions trip. But, while we were on the missions trip, his cousin (who was only 16) attempted suicide and wound up on life support. He died the day we got home. The memorial service was planned for 3/31.
DH did not propose that day, out of respect for his cousin’s death. He waited until 4/19.
Post # 12
@trainergirl: why in the world do they need 5 month to bask in engagement glory??? Go ahead and do what is right for your relationship and don’t ask for anyone’s input it share anything until your are actually engaged. Too many opinions.
Post # 13
Thank you all for all your replies. I’ll admit I’m completely floored by the consensus that it would be okay to proceed as planned. at the end of the day, I just want to make sure that our engagement and marriage go as smoothly as possible. he has an amazing, close-knit, large family and with that comes all the intricacy of negotiating with large groups of people. the last thing would ever want to do is hurt or offend any one of them.
Honestly, not a single person saw their engagement coming. they are in an LDR and have been dating less than six months, so the announcement was a huge shock. if we had known in advance, we likely would have planned for another date (ex. my birthday in march). as well, we will not be married until june of 2015 as we are paying for the wedding, finishing school, and potentially moving in that time frame. they will marry first as they are both more established in their careers and her parents will be paying for the wedding.
Post # 14
I agree with prior posters. To me, when your SO’s cousin announced his engagement is comPLETEly irrelevent to when you announce yours. Unless the cousin proposed at a family event the same night your SO had planned to do the exact same thing, I do not really understand why there would be any issue at all.
Post # 15
Oh, just go get engaged, you crazy kids! The weekend that DF and I got engaged while on vacation, another couple friend of ours did a surprise to everyone elopement while on their vacation (ha!), and another friend gave birth. There was no thunder stealing from anyone.
Post # 16
I’m on the ‘why wait’ train. My cousin got engaged just after me, and I was really excited for her! Thunder-schmunder. Enjoy your engagement, AND his cousin’s engagenemt.