(Closed) Stealing Thunder

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Actually I think you should feel sort of sorry for her.  If what her relationship means to her is just the monetary advantages she can get from this guy, she is going to have a pretty sad life ahead of her.  If you have someone that you really love, and who really loves you, you are way better off even if you don’t have a lot of money just now, or ever.  Money, after all, really can’t buy happiness.

And it sounds like maybe she was feeling competitive with you – needing to always talk up how much better her man was, because of all the things he could buy her.  And maybe if she couldn’t talk about all the things he would buy her, she didn’t have anything to talk about.  Or maybe she was just excited about some sort of inappropriate things, showed it in a bad way, and felt shut off when you told her you didn’t want to hear it.  I think that however a friendship ends, it hurts.  But it is hard to be friends with someone who has really different priorities than you.  At best it takes a lot of compromise and understanding.

Post # 4
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ditto what suzanno said.

Post # 5
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

I can see how you would’ve been hurt by her constantly gushing about how rich her boyfriend was, how her life would be perfect if they got married, etc., if she knew all the time that you were worried about how you and your fiance were going to handle your finances and your life together.

However, you say that "if she cared and respected my feelings she would have said something to me and then went ahead and gone on with her plans and that I would have accepted." Do you mean that you wish she’d officially informed you that she was engaged, rather than just wearing the ring and then not speaking to you? Or are you thinking that because you had planned on getting engaged that spring, she had some obligation to obtain your "acceptance" that she would also be getting engaged in the spring?

Because I think you’re justified in being hurt that a supposedly close friend didn’t even bother to tell you she was getting married. (though to be fair, if you’d previously told her that talking about her boyfriend made you uncomfortable and insecure, she may have been trying to spare your feelings)

But, I don’t think that it’s fair to be angry at her for "stealing your thunder" by getting engaged before you did, or without your permission. It’s her life and her relationship, and she can’t tell her boyfriend "don’t propose to me until my friend gets engaged, because otherwise she’ll be mad, and that’s more important to me than making a commitment to you for the rest of our lives."

Basically, if it’s a matter of being hurt that she didn’t consider you a close enough friend to keep you informed about her life, I can see why you were upset. But if it’s more that you wanted to be the only one to be engaged that Spring, and you feel that your long-term relationship was somehow more important than her renewed 3-month relationship, well, I just can’t agree.

In any event, you shouldn’t dwell on it. It’s in the past, and if you keep thinking about it, it’ll just make you unhappy. Look forward to your wedding and life with your new husband!

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I’m trying to picture how she might be feeling and the reasons that she did what she did. 

It sounds like she might feel uncomfortable around you because you expressed hurt feelings that she appears to be in a better financial situation than you.  Instead of feeling happy for her that her FI is doing well, it sounds like you are acting jealous.  Even if the conversations went well, could she have thought this in her afterthoughts? 

You also seem worried about her stealing your thunder.  I have many friends who got married around the same thing I did – all with very different financial and emotional situations.  Our weddings were very different and unique in their own way.  Just focus on the details that makes your wedding days yours.  No one will steal your thunder that day.  I’m sure your friend didn’t get back together with her old flame and get engaged just to "beat" you.  Relationships and romances just don’t operate that way.  And whatever date she sets, I’m sure she’s basing the date off her schedule, her FI’s schedule, whatever considerations she has regarding her family, friends, and venue. 

I understand about the respect issue.  But she may be feeling the same way about the respect you’ve given her regarding her happiness.    Maybe she thought that if she told you, you would’ve gone off the deep end (and she was avoiding that) and be jealous and possessive about wedding plans and dates.  Especially if she has the impression that you will think she’s trying to upstage you. 

If the friendship means more, then call her up and wish her a happy engagement.  If you feel that this puts the two of you at completely different wavelengths and that you don’t want someone like this as a friend, then let the friendship die. 

No matter what outcome, there will be a lot of awkwardness.  This whole situation sounds like a lot of misinterpretations in intentions.  I wish you luck in that. 

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I see your point on being upset that she didn’t share the news with you.  However, like Tanya and yach said, Don’t worry about "stealing your thunder".  People get engaged all the time, and like Tanya said – your friend is not going to tell her fiance "sorry – we can’t get engaged until my friend does, because she’ll get mad".  Life doesn’t work that way. 

Your post reminds me of this post by lilagrayce a few weeks ago http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/does-this-make-me-really-awful

 Basically lilagrayce was the one who is having her wedding first, but it has NOTHING to do with stealing her friend’s thunder.  I’m sure that your friend is not trying to steal your thunder either.

You will have a lovely wedding, as will she.  It’s unfortunate that you let this ruin your friendship.  YOU told her that it made you uncomfortable to hear about these things.  So she didn’t tell you.  Don’t be mad about her respecting your wishes not to hear about it.

Post # 8
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

ditto again with suzanno.  i felt the same way with a coworker.  fiancee and i are in a situation where i have a student loan out and other bills, we are also footing the entire bill for a modest wedding.  i have both a coworker and a former roomate who are also getting married this year and their parents are paying for 300-450 guest reception, respectively.  one day i broke down at work in front of another coworker b/c i didn’t think my wedding was going to be nice…blah blah.  all in all, it’s working out in the end. 

 you will have a lovely wedding, even more beautiful as hers.  remember money can’t buy everything okay!  chin up! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I believe that happiness can be bought with money, but love cannot.  It sounds to  me that she has never experienced love and no matter how hard she tries, deep down, I feel she knows that what she sees in this guy now is purely $ signs.  I too feel sympathy towards a girl who believes that she can be happy with a guy that has bought her happiness.

I think you should be grateful that you and your FI are not "set" for life because in retrospect if you were, would you be 100% sure you’d be able to stick it out with him in the long run should things go south?  I say be grateful for the love that you and your FI share and stop concerning yourself over matters that really should/does not involve you.

Celebrate your love and let her worry about her future.  That does not concern you.

Post # 10
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I know that these issues can be very sensitive ones, so I understand why you are hurting and I sympathize with that.  To answer your question, though, I do think it is healthy to have a new perspective and perhaps gain some understanding of why your friend may have done what she did.

To look at it from your friend’s point of view, what she did may be the only thing she could have done under the circumstances.  When you first had a heart-to-hear t with her, she reassured you that things were not so "set and ready" to comfort you and make you feel better, as any friend would.  From that point on, though, you made her aware that her talking about her relationship could potentially hurt you, especially when it came to her getting engaged.  Thus, it only makes sense that she would avoid talking to you about the details of the engagement.  She may have wanted very badly to share with you, but given the prior talk refrained for fear of hurting you.  Her "announcement" of its approach may have been an awkward attempt to see if you would be open to talking about it.

Unfortunately, you were hurt from the situation anyway, but there honestly doesn’t seem like there would have been an alternative route for her that would NOT have hurt you.  You said you thought she "understood" after your heart-to-heart talk.  However, you must consider the honest purpose of having that talk in the first place.  Is it possible that you wanted to have that talk to try to prevent her from letting her relationship progress faster than your own, or truly just to help her understand that her talking about her relationship hurt your feelings? Either way, she reacted as best she could — she should not be expected to slow down her relationship just for your sake, but she refrained from sharing with you about her engagement when it did happen.

As other posters said, she wasn’t obligated to ask you whether it was all right for her to get engaged first — even if you were best friends, there can’t be any "dibs" on getting engaged; that’s for each couple to decide independently.  From her point of view, she may have been hurt herself, that you could not get past your own situation to be happy for her, in hers.

I won’t comment on whether her e ngagement could have been based on money because that is not really the point.  I also realize that a new perspective now may not matter anyway, since it has been a long time since.  But, I hope you gain some perspective as your plan your own big day, and try to let this issue go so you can move forward with confidence, knowing that your relationship is unique, special and unaffected by others’.

Post # 11
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I am so sorry you are going though this! (pats ya on the shoulder)

I can totally understand why you feel this way and I think you’re perspective is spot on.

Though it’s hard to understand why she did (or didn’t do) what she did, rest assured your marriage will be one based on a love that is strong a meant to be. The marriage she will have is based on money, and it will fall apart. I would feel bad for her in actuality. I doubt after 3 months of reuniting with an old flame there is much more then lust lingering around and that this wedding may not even happen once that dust of "new" is brushed off and the reasons for the inital break up rears it’s ugly head. 

Hang in there!

Hugs! 

Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Don’t feel bad that you don’t have the same money that Miss V’s fiance has.  You and your fiance are students with loans.  When school is over, the money will come.  It’s not that important.

I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but I have a motto that helps me deal with this attitude.  My mom has always harped on about how I should be looking for a rich guy to take care of me and she looks down her nose at any guy I’ve ever brought home that didn’t have a really lucrative career and fancy job title.  All the while, she and my dad are very unhappily married and she spends most of what he earns trying to fill the empty hole in her life by buying things.  So I tell myself, "if you marry for money, you earn every penny." 

It’s nice if you marry for love and your guy happens to have money as a nice little bonus, but you should look for love first.  The money isn’t as important.  You are richer than Miss V, if you look at it that way.

Post # 13
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Hey – what is it with moms?  Mine used to love to tell me that old thing about how you can marry more money in ten minutes than you can make in a lifetime.  Of course, she never had as many choices as far as college and career as I did.

My FI and I together are pretty solidly upper middle class.  Although, for some crazy reason, I am marrying him just as his kids both go off to college.  So for the next four years anyway, we will get to worry about money bigtime.  We feel lucky though – we have been able to have some expensive weekends and little luxuries while dating and engaged, but agree that we won’t really miss them the next four years.  We have just as much fun sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  And that, I think, is part of what makes a relationship work through good times and bad; being really happy with the person you are with.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

You are definitely better off without her as a friend.  I am the mother of a bride and was planning my daughters wedding.  I had almost the same thing happen only with my niece.   My niece was getting married and had been planning her wedding for around a year.  It HAD to be the perfect Martha Stewart wedding, exactly by the book.  We heard about it from morning to night.  The wedding was the subject at any family gathering (just setting the scene).

My only daughter was attending college and announced a month before my niece’s wedding that she was engaged and getting married.  The first words out of my niece’s mouth were "she better not get married before me".  My sister’s first words were also not congratulations but rather – this is her daughter’s time and my daughter’s wedding was not to overshadow that.  I respected that and kept things to myself.  Things just escalated from there and then it was about the ring – if it was bigger my niece was going to be mad and then somehow it turned to children and if my daughter had a baby before she did – my niece would be mad.  I never made this a competition and my husband and I told my daughter her budget and then planned accordingly.  At my niece’s wedding, several of her guests came up to me and said congratulations in a whispered tone and told me "I know we are not supposed to talk about it" but they wanted to tell me congratulations at least.  I never told them not to talk about it so obviously this was a discussion between other people.

During this whole time I felt really abandoned by my family.  Anyway, her wedding was finally over and mine was in 2 months and in full swing, getting down to the wire.  So it was time for my daughters shower.  I am so excited that others can finally be excited about my daughters wedding.  My friend went to a lot of work for this shower and I wanted it to be perfect and 2 days before the shower, my niece walks in a announces she is pregnant – 5 weeks after their wedding day!  I was in shock but knew they were going to try immediately but I guess I didn’t show enough enthusiam for her and she was mad at me.  My mind is racing and I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.  So here we go again, no one can talk about the wedding because we will now all have to talk about the baby, the name of the baby, the sec of the baby, how the baby’s room is going to be decorated, every ache, every pain.  So I said (which I know I shouldn’t have said but you can’t take back words – remember that) "well, I’ll give you the same response that I got which is I don’t want to hear about this baby until after MY daughter’s wedding."   Well, that did it.  I got attacked by my family and I was the bad one and in the wrong and needed to apologize.  My niece didn’t come to the shower, my sister sat in the corner with puckered lips, didn’t speak to anyone, didn’t eat anything and my mother was her little dog that never left her side.  People that had been invited to the shower came up to me after and asked if something was wrong with my sister – that they had never seen such a mean face in their lives.  I just said "oh family stuff" and left it at that.  That was November – it is now the end of January and they haven’t spoken to me since – not at the wedding which was in december, during the reception – nothing. 

My daughter’s wedding was beautiful and she is so happy and that is all that matters. I admire her for being able to just chalk it up to life experience.  As for me, I have deep, hurt feelings that I can’t seem to get over but hopefully after some time I will be able to talk with them again but I don’t see that as being any time soon.

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