Post # 1
Hi bees i know that your all a great bunch to come to for advice etc. So here it is.
My step daughter was automatically ‘made’ to be a bridesmaid in our upcoming wedding. In the meantime she has caused so many issues between us and i am at my wits end. She is 13 with the mouth of a drunken sailor. She recently turned our family holiday into a full fledged war when she refused to sit at the dinner table, stood up and told her dad (my FI) that she is sick of his F***en shit, and proceeded to storm off slam the doors (in her grandparents house)(My future inlaws) then screamed out “i’m F***EN shit of **** shit too! F*** her i hope she dies and burns in hell” The argument started when we were all about to sit at the dining table after a fantastic day actually a fantastic week (it was our last night before we left the following morning) my 13 yr old daughter was already seated, then my 8yr old sat next to her. My step daughter walked up and said “i wanted to sit there” my 8 yr old responded with oh well i was here first there are 6 other chairs. A few more whining words exchanged and i said oh well “diddums” thats when it all errupted!.
I have told her mother that i will no longer have her as my bridesmaid etc. Am i wrong in doing this to a child which has wanted nothing more than my Fiance and i to break up for the last 3 years? (since we have been together, we also have a 23 month old daughter together) I’m at my wits end and would like to know your thoughts.
Post # 3
She’s a child. You’re an adult. Remember that.
I’m sure she’s going through a really difficult time with her father getting remarried. I know it’s hard to put up with, but she’s acting out because she’s mad/afraid/sad. You need to be endlessly compassionate and loving. She won’t respond to anger. Don’t stoop to her level by kicking her out of the bridal party.
Post # 4
All I have to say is that if my 13 year old daughter spoke like that, she would not be a happy camper at the end of that day.
Post # 5
I don’t think kicking her out of the wedding should be a punishment for that behavior. I think there should be lots of other punishments and consequences, but not kicking her out of the wedding.
Post # 6
As a secondary school teacher I will repeat the mantra ” she is just a child, remember she is just a child”. Do not go to her level, however tempting it might be.
I think in my completely amateur, non judgemental opinion she is feeling pushed out. You had a baby fairly soon into the relationship and you already have two children (girls?). She is hormonal, confused and again…still a child, lol.
She needs to start getting some boundaries and feeling some consequences. I think kicking her out of the wedding is too harsh. Punishment is definitely in order, but maybe not that. Her quite frankly disgusting language and her open use of it has been learnt from someone, somewhere. She needs to realise it is not acceptable anymore. It will be a long process and hard. But consistency is the key. It will be worth it.
Just to maybe try and see things from her point of view, and perhaps Fiance needs to open the lines of communication. Maybe him spending some more time just one on one with her could help.
Post # 8
Patience and boundaries for all of you.
Post # 9
Her father and mother have been divorced for the last 8 years. He has been in other relationships between. Her mum has a bad drug habit. This is where she has learnt her language from. Our mutal friends have heard what her mum says to her about me and us, this is where she gets her hatred from.
I also keep telling myself yes she is just a child. I also have a 13 yr old daughter, who if she EVER spoke to me like that would not be a very happy girl. I have a 8 year old son also. Yes we had a baby not long after we got together (we’ve known each other for 14 years) at first his daughter was worried that she’ll get pushed to the side, it never happened, she then loved every moment of being with us as a family. the kids get almost everything they need want. Both girls have an ipad and iphone, drum sets and guitars. They have their own sleep out which has a massive lounge room. TV, dvd player, stereo, game consoles and laptops for each of them. They are far from deprived.
Everything goes great then all of a suddon she flips a switch and turns everything around. we say she looks great, she is so happy…. then goes to her mums, within 2 seconds of walking through the door she asks her mum if she is ugly.
She will not be completly thrown out of the wedding, she just won’t be standing on my side with my BM’s holding a bouquet. The way i see it is my BM’s love and respect us as a couple and want to stand up and be happy for us. She will be on her dads side.
Our familys love each other. My paremts love and support our relationship as do his parents for me.
Post # 10
What does your Fiance say about this? I wouldnt just kick her out without talking to him. If he says kick her, then kick her. Cause if you went with out him, that would open another can of worms. Granted if this was my kid talking like this and I was getting remarried, no, they would not be in the wedding. I dont cater to brattiness when she is 13, old enough to know better. And with a baby around she has the nrve to cuss like a sailor. I DONT THINK SO TOOTS!
Post # 11
@Liss13: My Fiance says he can’t not have her in the wedding, he wants her to stand on his side instead. I refuse to accomodate to her by giving her a bouquet etc. she will not be getting a gift from me. He wants her to wear a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress like the other girls, i don’t think she has earned that right in my eyes. If anything she should be wearing what the boys are (boardshorts and a nice shirt) Thank you for your support.
Post # 12
@Toastymama: That sounds better to have her with him. I wouldnt give her the bouquet and stuff either
No problem 🙂
Post # 13
She is not only just a child, but as a 13-year-old girl, she is going through an intense hormonal change. I remember being 13, not having any control over myself, and not really understanding why. It sucks. Don’t kick her out of your wedding party, it sets a bad tone for your relationship. And, you are the adult and need to be there for her.
Edited to add: she also has a lousy mother? Someone needs to be there for this girl.
Post # 14
“I refuse to accomodate to her by giving her a bouquet etc.”,
“He wants her to wear a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress … i don’t think she has earned that right in my eyes.”
“She will not be completly thrown out of the wedding, she just won’t be standing on my side with my BM’s holding a bouquet.”
Who’s throwing the tantrums here?? Who’s acting mature for their age now?
Really! Your step daughter is 13 years old. There isn’t a parent in the world who doesn’t dread the teen years for reasons you’ve described above. There isn’t a Bee on these boards who doesn’t remember feeling misunderstood and awkward during that time in their lives either and that’s without the emotional hurdles this young lady has.
Your Step daughter is dealing with emotions that would be hard pressed for some adults to address. She has an addict for a mother, a broken home, two new step siblings (one of which is the exact same age and is viewed as being the “good” daugher)…add to that a new baby who isn’t as easy to ignore because she shares a father with it. No wonder she’s confused, scared and lashing out.
Your response to kick her off of “your side” is further alienation and really what is this? A game of red rover? No. It’s the symbolised beginning of merging your family and your Fiance family. So you’re kicking her back to FI’s side for bad behavior. That’s a real healthy way to start blending a family with a glaring dividing line. You kicking her out is probably just futher proof in her eyes of what a disgrace she is. Trust me when I say this…No one feels pretty when they think they’re a loser.
What really concerns me here is that you don’t ever mention sitting down with this young woman to talk with her about her fears and concerns. You should want and need her to understand why it’s important she stand by you as well as the maturity and sentiment it requires. I find if you give a teenager a reason to take responsibility for a situation they thrive in accomplishing it. This girl has had a really horrible female influence dominate her early years. You have a real opportunity to demonstrate what a positve female role model can be. So please, for both your sakes, grow up and be the adult in this situation.
Post # 15
@musicalrose: well said.
I have a step sibling the same age. Op I am your daughter, my step sibling is your FI’s daughter. It goes way deeper than you think. By removing her from the wedding you are only reinforcing her image that you and her fathers new family are a mistake and horrible people. It may not be easy, but you signed up for it and need to show her that you love her as much as your own kids. That means unconditional love.
Post # 16
@Toastymama: She doesn’t have to “earn” her bouquet. She is part of the family and will soon be your daughter. If this post is indicative of your overall behavior toward this child, I can’t say I’m surprised that she is lashing out.
Grow up, act like an adult, and stop talking about spots in your wedding as though they are prizes you can dole out and take away at will. You won’t give her a gift? How petty can you get that you would make it a point not to give your stepdaughter a gift on your wedding day? That’s not exactly a recipe for years of happiness, but it sounds like you don’t really want that anyway-you want to gang up on a 13-year-old on the Internet.
You can’t shove her aside and hope that she will go away on your special day. Frankly, you’ve given her no reason to support your marriage if you talk about her like this. Counseling.