Post # 1
Weddings seem to bring out all the family drama!!
The backstory is that my parents divorced when I was five. I met my stepfather at six. He married my mom when I was eight. After eighteen years of marriage he left my mother. They have been separated for three or four years now.
The thing is, after all that time they were together he did become a part of my family to me. He is also the father of my brother. I’d really like both him and my mom (and my dad for that matter) to all be at my wedding since I consider them all family. I plan on sitting him at a table with my brother and his date. I did not put “plus guest” on any of the parents’ invites.
So, I called my step-father today wondering why I hadn’t received my RSVP yet, and he asked me if it would be okay if he brings the woman he has been seeing for the last few months. I have never met her. I told him I didn’t know if that would be a good idea. It might stir up some drama and I don’t want any issues at the wedding. He said he didn’t think my mother would mind since it’s been “so long” since they haven’t been together and he thinks they have all moved on. I told him I would get back to him.
On the one hand, I get his point. They are in a relationship and he probably knows that I told my siblings and friends that they could bring guests even when they are single and not in relationships. I’m sure he wants me and everyone else to meet her, etc. BUT I wasn’t sure how my mom would really feel despite him thinking she’d be fine with it.
Well, this did not go over well with my mother. She said it was inappropriate for him to bring her. When I mentioned I would ask him not to, she said “don’t make it sound like it was because of me” umm.. How do I do that now?
Then my sister calls all mad that he is “using your wedding as an excuse to show off his new girlfriend” I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way?
It stinks what happened with my parents, I dislike divorce, but I get why they are no longer together. I really still care for them both and hate being put in the middle like this. I don’t know what I am supposed to say at this point without “blaming” my mom for her not being invited. I feel like this would be so much easier if my mom was with someone new as well. My mother and father get along fine despite her leaving him. Of course they are been apart for much longer.
I guess I just feel like I am in a tough spot. I feel like I have to side with my mom, but what do I say?
Post # 3
They are adults. They should be able to be in the same room together without it being uncomfortable. I’m sure your mom will be so busy with you on the day that she won’t even notice the other woman. Unless it was a super small and intimate reception I would invite her.
Post # 4
@AlwaysSunny: It is sort of a small and intimate reception. I only invited sixty people. We’ve had a few declines. At this point I’m expecting about 50 people to show.
Post # 5
I would’ve said no right when he asked. I’m having a 160ish count wedding and have had a few people ask about a +1 and I tell them in the same convo no right away.
In this case, I would say negative. Even if there is no drama, I am sure it will make your mother very uncomfortable. I would hate that for my mom. And c’mon, he’s only been dating her a few months. WHY would he think it would be okay to bring this stranger to your SMALL AND INTIMATE wedding. He never should’ve asked you, IMO, and you should tell him no.
Post # 6
I am a firm believer in the golden rule (treat people how you would want to be treated) and I put myself in their shoes. If I was going to my stepdaughters wedding, it might be a little awkward, and I think having my significant other there would make me more comfortable, and have a better time instead of being the divorced stepfather whose the odd man out.
Post # 7
If it were me, I’d invite the girlfriend. Your step dad is still a part of your life and if this woman is important to him (I’m sure he wouldn’t ask to bring her if she wasn’t) then you should get to know her.
I think your mother has put you in an impossible situation. If you mom feels strongly that she shouldn’t come, then I’d insist that either she discuss it directly with your step dad or that she understand that you were going to tell him that you’d prefer he didn’t bring the girlfriend because it would make your mom uncomfortable on a special day.
I think it’s super uncool when parents put children in the middle of their drama and I would not enable it.
Post # 8
I would offer both your mother and your stepfather a +1.
Post # 9
@BriansBride: Well, you could tell him that you don’t feel like your wedding is the right time or place to meet the new lady in his life to avoid throwing your mom under the bus. Or you can tell your mom to find a hot date and accept it. I’ve been to weddings where the parents are divorced and hate each other and have to walk into the reception hall together as they are introduced as parents and it turn out okay. Everything will work itself out.
Post # 10
@BriansBride: Few reasons why i would not invite her.
You didnt give any of your parents a plus one so the fact that he asked shouldnt really be relevant.
They havent been together long (if long term then i would say yes)
You havent even even met her (i honestly dont think your wedding is the place to do this)
Your mum aside,your sister also doesnt sound too impressed and may have a point.Do you think he is asking for g/f to come to show her off? Ask your brother for his opinion,its his Dad after all
Post # 11
I wouldn’t invite her unless you have met her and had a chance to see what she is like!!
I’m in a similar family situation here and actually pushed to have a parents ex come to the wedding (even though it could upset both my mother and father). At the end of the day it’s my choice who I invite.
But IMO I wouldn’t want someone I hadn’t met at my wedding full stop – especially when we both have the exact same # of guests (50-60) which I consider small-ish
Post # 12
@BriansBride: I notice you said “my brother and his date”. Do other (younger) guests get a +1? Are you inviting other partners of a few months? I feel it should be the same rules for everyone.
Post # 13
@BriansBride: Your wedding day is a special day for mothers of the couple getting married. Don’t have this bad memory for your mother. She has been dreaming of you getting married since you were a little girl. Don’t ruin this for her.
Stepfather needs to come alone. He will see you there.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
How about you offer to have a smaller get together a few weeks after the wedding so that you can meet his new girlfriend. I agree with your sister in a sense. You don’t want him using your wedding as an opportunity to introduce her to the family. It is not the time nor place for that!
Post # 15
Call him back and tell him the wedding is not the time to debut his new GF to the family (children). Tell him you would like to meet her since she sounds special, to him but this event she needs to sit out. You won’t even get a chance to spend time with her at your wedding. Your step dad will have other children to catch up with.
I don’t see what’s inappropriate about him bringing the GF, but your mom has a strong reaction. As a grown up she should own it. As a grown up he should just leave it alone and come solo.
Post # 16
I think it would be unfair to invite others with a +1 but leave him out. They have been divorced for 3-4 years and they are adults so I think his GF should be invited.
What if you set up a time to meet her before the wedding? Unless you truly believe he has bad intentions I don’t understand why you would think he is using your wedding to “show off” his girlfriend. He likely wants to bring her to have her company and a dance partner (same reason tons of other people like to bring dates).