Post # 1
So, this is an extension-post from my last post about the awkward family dynamic and absent in-laws.
My fiance’s parents are getting back together after 27+ years of divorce. His mother has been remarried around 5 times (literally my fiance can’t remember and had to ask her what her current last name is for the save the date), and his father had been remarried for about 20+ years. My fiance has always said how horrible of a woman the step mother was and how badly she treated him growing up. She’s an alcoholic and drug addict and never took care of him and treated him horribly. It’s a sad story.
So, when my fiance was skyping over Christmas with his step-brother and step-sister and his step-mother things got very awkward. She asked if she was going to be invited to the wedding and that “if anyone deserves to be there that she does.” My fiance completely disagrees and doesn’t know how to handle the situation.
The stepmom is rightfully upset at my fiance’s real mom and stealing my fiance’s father back. Stepmom has accused Realmom of stealing documents, etc. She’s since moved across the country and my fiance hasn’t heard from her since.
My question is, do we invite this woman who is turbulent, abusive, and mean? I’ve never met her but from what I’ve witnessed via skype and what my fiance says of his childhood, teen years, and adulthood that she is a loose-canon and has the potential to ruin our wedding day if she goes off the deep end. My fear is offending any of his family (i.e. brother and sister who are invited and part of the day but that’s their mother) v. potentially ruining the best (not to mention most expensive) day of my fiance and I’s lives. He says not to invite her, but I have a feeling that the backlash would fall on myself.
I feel awful about what my fiance has gone through and so proud of him for coming out on the other end as unscathed as possible. He’s done very well for himself; put himself through college, has a great job, just finished his Master’s degree, and we’re on our way to building a wonderful life together. These people don’t make sense to me and I just don’t see him when I look at them.
Post # 3
What a weird situation. If you both liked her that would be one thing. Did FIL and stepmom invite DH’s bio-mom to their wedding? Of course not- because you don’t get invited just because you are someone’s mom.
Post # 4
NOOOOO….do not invite. Your excuse? It’s FI’s decision. I personally see her presence at your wedding to be a complete disaster. From what you wrote, she sounds very mentally unstable, and I think it would cause a lot of drama. If your fiance’ doesn’t want her there, then leave the ultimate decision up to him. I don’t see this harming any relationships…surely the stepbro and sis have seen how he had been treated by their own mother growing up?
Post # 5
If his dad is no longer married to her and his brother and sister are old enough to not need her for transportation then I would not invite this woman.
Post # 6
I dont see a need to invite former step parents if the former step child (either bride or groom) doesnt want to. I do think this should be primarily the decision of the bride or groom whose former step parent it is. Not certain what you mean by his brother and sister being part of the day, but I would gently inform them tha their mother will not be invited, and make certain they will still be part of the day.
Post # 7
@ShabbyChicBee: Definitely. He said his brother and sister both looked at their mother on that skype conversation like she wasn’t making sense and told her to calm down. I think it was more the anger of losing her husband and then being excluded from something else. I don’t know. The whole thing is very weird and uncomfortable!
Post # 8
@brpapke: I think its a decision your fiance has to make. If he doesn’t want his ex-step-mother there, I don’t think you are obligated to invite her.
Post # 9
You follow FI’s lead on this and support it fully. His family, his relationships, his decision. This shouldn’t be on your plate at all.
Post # 10
@juanita.kelly.9: His brother is a groomsman (no blood relation, stepmom’s son from previous relationship) and his sister (same dad as groom) will be walking the young ring bearer down the aisle. He has a good relationship with his siblings, just not with the step mom.