Post # 1
Could use some opinions on this issue. My hubby and I got married last October 2014 and currently his father and his father’s wife have been having some marital problems. (They have been married about 12 years). My husband’s parent’s divorced when he was around 19 years old and both his mom & dad re-married a few years after that. They are both currently with their new spouses and came to our wedding ofcourse. My husband’s dad & wife walked down together in the processional, my husband’s mom was escorted by my husband the groom ofcourse and his step-dad chose to just seat himself, so he did not have to walk by himself in the processional, but he was included in it. Both step parents were given step-parent corsage/boutineres and both were seated at their respective head tables with the father of the groom and the mother of the groom’s tables.
In our wedding speeches, we thanked everyone for coming, any specific people ie. Master of Ceremonies, Officiant and out of town guests. We thanked each other’s bridal party, we thanked our best man/main of honor, I thanked my husbands mother’s side and her specifically. I thanked my husband’s father’s side of the family but only my father in law specifically. Then we went on to talk about each other.
After the wedding, turns out my husband’s step-mother is upset that we did not thank her specifically. I personally, didn’t even think to thank her specifically as she is not my step-parent and have only known her about 2 years. My husband did not thank her specifically, nor did he thank his step-father. No real reason, we just chose to keep our speeches to a modest length and covered the most important people. Even if we made our speeches longer, my husband would have loved to thank his grandparents and aunts/uncles who we also all in attendance, but it’s really hard to thank everyone. I would have loved to thank each of my brother’s individually but I looped them in with my mom & dad in a few sentences, before thanking my parents individually.
I don’t feel my husband’s step-mother has a right to make us feel bad for not including her in our wedding? Or specifically our speech? I don’t get what else she was expecting, that wouldn’t have made it incredibly akward for all of us. My husband’s parents are not really on speaking terms, although divorced for 15 years- the family dynamic with the step parents isn’t friendly- although people are civil – it’s not like my husbands parents can sit and chat together like a happy little 4-some. We kept them on opposite sides of the room to make it less akward.
What are your thoughts? Any people with similar step-parent situations?
Post # 2
I think that’s really self absorbed and obnoxious of her. Just tell her youre sorry her feelings were hurt but for the sake of brevity only parents were mentioned! And that’s that. You don’t need to explain yourself anymore, she’s being ridiculous.
Post # 3
She needs to chill out, drop it and move on. your DH was an adult by the time she was even in the picture anyway- it’s not like she helped raise him as a child. He’s not her son. just ignore her comments. I would have handled it exactly the same way.
Post # 4
MrsMounty: 12 years is a long time to be involved with somebody and their family. I can see where her hurt is coming from. Did your DH father contribute to the wedding? If he did, don’t you think his wife was included in that decision? Has she not been a part of the family for the past 12 years?
When my step sister got married she completely left my mother out. Even though my mom had helped raised her and the reason that my step sister got the amount of money she did was because of my mother.
I guess my point is, just because they aren’t “blood” doesn’t mean that haven’t invested time and energy into being part of a family. And it is rude to exclude that.
Post # 5
Thanks for responding.. I felt the exact same way, so does my husband. I thought maybe I was being insensitive- but I think she is being self-absorbed. A wedding is between two people and their parents who raised them – in my opinion are the people who are really emotionally invested that day. For her to want special recognition doesn’t make sense to me. I have no issue with her, we hang out as a family with my father-in-law – but it’s not like she is super close to me and helped me with the wedding or was involved at all. Apparently, she is also a little upset that she didn’t get special recognition at MY bridal shower???? My maid of honor threw my bridal shower and my mom, my mother in law, my bridesmaids and my husbands step-mother all pitched in. I thanked all of them at the bridal shower and even gave a small gift as a token of appreciation to my MOH, my mom, my mother in law and my husband’s step-mother because all 4 of them gave money towards the shower. I was flabbergasted when I heard she brought up the bridal shower & the wedding to my father in law- that she felt “un-appreciated”.
Post # 6
MrsMounty: Sounds like she’s being obnoxious. Did she bring this up directly to you? Id say this: While we would have loved to thank everyone, we wanted to keep our speech short. We are happy you are in our lives and thanks for supporting us at our wedding. Im sorry if our speech offended you (not saying sorry you didnt thank her…just sorry she got offended) but we did not intend that at all.
Post # 7
12 years is a long time- but my Husband has never lived at home with her/his father in those 12 years. He was an adult, he went off to college and lived on his own ever since. I’m not denying she is a part of the family, but I wouldn’t say my husband or his sisters look at her like a mother. She is a step-mother to them. They are all civil, but you can tell there is not a real relationship between the kids and her, nor is there with one their step-father either. They are civil, and see them on holidays and family time that’s about it.
My husband’s father did contribute towards the wedding yes, the step-mother is a stay at home wife with no kids who has not worked in 15 years .. lol… So financially, no she did contribute – but if you want to consider their money, then sure.
Post # 8
MrsMounty: Has she raised any of these issues with you directly? If not, I would just ignore them.
Post # 9
She cannot make you feel bad unless you let her do so.
Who reported her alleged complaint to you? I would be curious as to the motive for telling you, since there is no remedy you can make for whatever mistake she might think you made.
I think you should absolutely take the high road on this one. Her position, if it exists, doesn’t deserve to be dignified by a response; your position doesn’t require any reaction.
Hope your wedding was exactly as you wanted it to be!
Post # 10
She hasn’t said any of this to us personally, just saying it to my husband’s father. They are having marital problems and she is upset with all of his kids, my husband and I included apparently.
Post # 11
MrsMounty: Some people like to make a big deal out of nothing. I don’t think you could have done anything different in this situation because that’s how you felt and how you feel. If you wanted a short and simple speech and felt like you included everyone you needed to than you did what was best for you. If she can’t get over it that is her own problem. If there is one thing in life we can’t do, it’s please everyone and make them happy.
Post # 12
That’s a great piece of advice.. Some people it is in their nature to always look at the negative.. She could have easily thought, I’m a little upset I didn’t get thanked in the speech, but they included me in the processional, the corsage, the main table – obviously we did not purposely dis-include her in our wedding and to dwell on the speech – the only negative aspect, to me she is being very selfish. If I was in her shoes, I might feel a little hurt, but I am a positive person and would think, well they have included me in everything else and speeches are stressful and they just made it short and sweet. End of that 🙂
Post # 14
She is completely out of line lol. My parents seperated when i was 19 and my father has a new partner. But there is no way that i will be thanking her specifically in my wedding speeches, nor would i expect/want my fiancee to do so either. It might sound harsh, but she is not your husbands mother, nor should she expect to be treated like it. The Step MIL did not raise your fiancee (as he was 19 when his parents seperated).
Post # 15
Omg i just realised how old this thread was