Post # 1
I got a surprising phone call today that filled me with many emotions happy, sad, mad, excited, and shock. It was my lawyer telling me my sons bio Dad has asked if my DH and I would agree to let him terminate his rights and in order to do that my DH would have to adopt my son.
Now to a little back story. My ex and I only briefly dated and he wasn’t involved in my pregnancy after a DNA test (at his request I knew he was the dad) and with the encouragement of his then GF he was involved for the first year of our sons life. After he and his then GF broke up 2 years ago he ditched out. He would come and go making alot of drama in our lives. He has now gone 1 year without seeing our son. Now he is not some dead beat no job man as he sounds he is actually drum roll please an undercover police officer. He has to pay child support each month which is his main reason for requesting termination.
Now to my wonderful DH. He has been the constant father figure in my sons life since he was only a few months old. My son calls him Daddy and they adore each other. My son has no memory of his bio dad due to his constent absence.
We decided to go ahead with the adoption but I feel so sad for my son I just don’t know how anyone could not want to be in his life. He is such an amazing little boy. I’m not sure how to explain all of this to him when he is older. He is only 3 now so he is clueless as to what is happening but someday he will ask questions.
It’s been a really emotional day in our house.
Post # 3
That is really such great news- so happy for you!
Post # 4
I’m sorry your ex has been so heartless regarding his own child. I also would have mixed feelings about letting him just bounce out on his financial obligation, but I know having a constant father in his life is more beneficial for your son in the long run. Just be honest with your son when he is older. Someone else might be his biological father, but your husband took him as his own and helped raise him. That’s an amazing thing!
Post # 5
I can see why you have such mixed emotions. I think in the long run, your son will understand that your husband is his real daddy. There might be some tough questions to answer at some point, but your husband’s love and care won’t go unnoticed.
Post # 6
I don’t know if I would just let him back away. I’m sure this is such a tough decision. Either way your child will know who is his Dad.
Post # 7
@MarryMeTiffany: “I just don’t know how anyone could not want to be in his life.”
I *so* relate to this. My daughter is 8 years old, and her biological father hasn’t seen her/been in contact with us since she was 18 months old. His original involvement after she was born was also driven by his then-gf and by his mother. When he broke up with the gf, he moved across the country with no forwarding address and his entire family stopped responding to me. It boggles my mind – my child is so awesome, and I can’t imagine not wanting to know her.
I can understand the mixed feelings, especially with regard to him bouncing on his financial obligations to your son… But as someone who’s never received financial support from my ex, my daughter has benefited a thousand times more by having an involved and loving father in her life (my SO) than anything money might have done.
I can also say from experience that your child might not really have a lot of questions about it. To him, he HAS a dad – your DH stepped in and stepped up. I don’t think children always understand biological vs. step-parent connections very clearly – when someone referred to my SO as my daughter’s step dad, she said “Why can’t he just be my dad?” She’s never been interested in her biological paternal family, because she’s been surrounded by my family and taken in by my SO’s family without question. Some children do have a lot of questions, though, and you can only ever be honest (but diplomatic) about things.
I stopped being sad for my daughter a long time ago, because it’s clear she’s never missed out. It doesn’t sound as if your son has missed out either, and cementing the bond he and your DH already have through adoption is a positive and happy move forward for your family.
Sorry for the novel but this hits close to home – we just got some legal things sorted out this week and are planning further steps to terminate parental rights in the future. My life would surely be easier if he turned up and offered!
Post # 8
@kittyface: We could be the same person.
My DD is almost 10 and her bio dad hasn’t seen her since she was about to turn 1. His mom completely pushed him to be involved and then eventually he blew her off too.DD dad actually passed away last year and I really struggled with being sad that even if she wanted to she would never have a chance to meet hime. It took time, but now I am in a place where I know that even if she did meet him, he would never bring anything positive to her life.
The thing about kids is they don’t need labels. Your son know that your DH is the person who is there for him and that is all that matters. We have always focused when she asked why she didn’t have a dad (before DH), that families are made up of all different types of family and focused on who she did have in her life. And eventually she statrted calling DH Dad completely on her own when she saw that is what other kids called that figure in their lives. This summer we are planning on starting the adoption process and changing her name (completely up to her, at this point she want both last names).
Post # 9
I don’t know what it’s like to be the adult going through this situation but I do know what it was like being the kid. My mom left my bio dad when I was 3 remarried when I was 6, up until 3 I guess bio dad was never around much anyways. My mother was not honest with me about my real father and it caused me to resent her. I obviously knew step dad was not my father I was 6 but when I asked my mom or anyone in my family about my real father they would blow it off and never tell me what happened to him. Let 20 years go by and I still had resentment towards my mom for never telling me about him. Turns into a big blow out and I finally find out who he is and why he left, turns out he was never a good man to begin with so my mom did the right being by not letting me be in his life but if she only told me the truth yearsago it would have made our relationship a loT better.
So with your son, I think it’s best to be 100% honest, tell him his father was a good man but some people just can not handle things and that’s why there are guys like DH in the world to step in and be the best daddy they can be!
Post # 10
I was also the kid in this situation and it gave me the freedom for my Dad to be my Dad… I have a sperm donor and that is what I consider my biodad he isnt the man who raised me or the man who will walk me down the aisle, i was able to have a normal life my Dad and I celebrate our anniversary every year and when I went away to college I came home to flowers and cookies to my dorm room. I agree that being honest is important and stressing the fact that your son in just as special as any future children you might have because he was chosen by your FI, heck my family threw a huge bbq party to celebrate adoption only thing I would say to do is make sure you get a complete medical history from your ex and include a clause saying that you will be contacted with any major medical changes (ie cancer) I love my life but being 27 with no paternal family medical history sometimes is not desirable