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I'm a step-mom, but I don't have my own kids. I agree though, it's a really really hard job. It's probably the hardest thing I've done in my life. Some days I can hardly wait for Sunday evening to come just so we can have the weekend over with. Other weekends are awesome. It goes back and forth. I get jealous of having to share my time. FI works so hard, I don't get a lot of alone time with him, never mind two full days back to back, so it's really hard for me to give that up every other weekend. Usually our non-stepson weekends FI works........ It's really difficult.
I do get worried about how the dynamics will change when we decide to have our own kids. How will my stepson feel about them? Will he be jealous? Will our kids feel neglected on the weekends we have my stepson?
FI and I are really honest with each other especially when it comes to issues surrounding my stepson. It doesn't work to bottle it all up, it literally made me sick. It was awful. So now we talk about all of it very honestly which really helps. I think FI hadn't thought of a lot of things from my point of view/side, so being able to explain "I feel _____ because of ______" is really helpful for our relationship. It helps us as a parenting team and also as a couple outside of being parents.
I agree that being a step parent is really, REALLY hard. Especially because the quinessential "wicked stepmother" gets thrown around a lot. I have two kids and FI has two kids and we have to work hard to find a balance. I will absolutely say there are I feel like he treats his kids more fairly than he treats mine (and it's probably visa versa as well).
I'd HIGHLY recommend this book about the subject.
we've had a very hard time.. i don't have any kids of my own, and i'm always worried that his son will be treated better than our kids because he is allowed to do whatever he wants when we have him, which would not be the story with our own.. he also feels like i'm attacking his son when i lay down the law, i just don't inderstand why everyone has to make it more difficult than it needs to be for step-mom's
@brittanymichelle: It sounds to me like you and your husband need to come together like more of a parenting team. I mean, you're the kid's stepmother, you are also now part of his parenting and upbringing, that includes discipline! Every kid needs boundaries and rules. If every weekend with you guys is a "no holds bar do what you want" type situation, that kid is going to run rampant! Clearly that's going to be really hard on both of you!
FI and I have been really careful to have clear consistent rules for his son, which works really well for us since with FSS's mom he really doesn't have rules. Or at least not consistent ones. When he's with us he really thrives and behaves really well. When he's with his mother he's a monster. Part of it could be him wanting to impress us, but I think the larger part of it is having those boundaries. We're also careful to make sure our weekends together aren't these huge over the top extravaganza of zoos and movies and trips out to do this and that. We work really hard to have a "normal" at home type life with him rather than building up an expectation of time with Daddy and Bakerella is crazy fun over the top. No one can sustain that.
I think it's so hard for stepmom's because everyone feels attacked from every perspective. The bio mom feels like we might replace her in her "mommy" role, or she's threatened by this other woman in her ex's life. The dad feels torn between paying attention to his child(ren) and us (the stepmom). I'm sure he also feels like he's walking on pins and needles to make bio mom happy a lot of the time and wanting to make sure she's kosher with everything that's going on. And then there's us, stepmoms, with all our conflicting issues and emotions that we're all so familiar with. Who can win in that situation?! The best you can do is just try to get through it and realize you all need to work together as a team for the kid right?
My FI's sons are grown ups now...ages 20 and 24. I am 34 so I am less of a step-mom and more of a confidant although I am sure when they have kids, I will be grandma =)....that should be interesting.
My daughter is 12 (13 tomorrow) and we both treat her pretty much the same. Since it's just been me and her for her whole life (she sees her dad about twice a year) my FI is the first "father" that she has ever had so he makes sure to be a good one.
I think because we have pretty much the same approach to parenting, it hasn't been too much of a transition for us. We are a unit and all of the kids know this so it makes discipline easier.
Honestly, I am really surprised that being a stepmom is as hard as it is for me – I did not expect it at all! I have 4 kids of my own from my first marriage, and my husband only has 1, plus my kids live with us full-time (except every other weekend), but his daughter is only with us about 1/3 of the time, so I didn’t even give it much thought at all – where there is 4, there is 5 – what’s the difference? But, boy, was I wrong! It is REALLY, REALLY hard for me, and I feel terrible about it, but don’t know what to do!!!
My first husband was not an involved dad, did not give the kids much love, affection, attention, time, etc. He was a very successful businessman, and considered himself to be a great father because he provided well for all of us financially. Growing up, I had a wonderful father who doted on me, and, as an adult and a mother, I was always “jealous” of other kids who had great fathers – fathers who really loved them, took care of them, played with them, did homework with them, gave them hugs and kisses, etc. I would take my kids to a park/playground, and see dads push their kids on the swings and build sand castles with their toddlers, and I would fight back tears – why can’t MY kids have that? Don’t they deserve that kind of love from their father?
And now, that I am married to my wonderful new husband, I feel like that playground moved into my house!!! He is great with my kids, and they have a very good relationship with him – all of them, even the teenagers. He cares about them, he interacts with them a lot more than their real father ever has. BUT!!! It is not even close to the love and affection he showers his biological daughter with! He absolutely adores her, and pretty much melts into a puddle every time he sees her. He cares about my kids, but he most certainly does not melt for them… And I am jealous! Don’t my kids deserve to have that kind of father? That kind of love from BOTH parents?
His daughter is almost 5 years old, and my kids are older – 9, 11, almost-18, and 19. I already raised four 5-year-olds ALONE (since my ex was not much involved). I am burnt out with raising small kids, I don’t want any more of them! His daughter is a good kid, but she is extremely high maintenance – demands constant attention, can’t entertain herself even for a few minutes, talks NON-STOP (literally!!!), constantly asks for stuff that she should be able to do by herself – in other words, it is very obvious she is “an only child” for her mother, and she expects to be the center of attention all of the time.
I am very resentful of her… But I am absolutely crazy about my husband, and I would NEVER want to hurt him or make him feel bad, so I can’t share my resentment with him. I genuinely want to be a good stepmom, but I am unable to overcome my resentment and irritation with his child. I don’t know what to do!!!
@mx4: I get where you're coming from. I feel the same way about my FSS sometimes. He full well knows how to do certain things (he's 4-1/2) and will do them with me, but if FI is around he needs Daddy to do everything for him. It makes me insane. I think for the bio parent who has their child part time, they try to do everything they can to make that child happy. I mean, they miss out on SO much. And if this is his only child, she really is the apple of his eye. It's really easy to be jealous of this, I totally totally agree. It sounds though like he has a really great relationship with your kids. So come at this though from the same place you're coming from, his daughter is not your child. You love her I'm sure, but she's not your kid. Same goes for your kids and him. He may have a great bond with them, but I'm sure sometimes they get on his nerves and at the end of the day, he doesn't have that inexplicable genetic bond with them.
I wonder too if it's an age thing, because my FSS and your stepdaughter sound really similar in terms of annoying habits, LOL! FSS repeats himself a lot like Rainman if you don't verbally respond. I don't freaking care if the train went in the shed! Why does that need my response?!
Honestly, I've sort of learned to accept my frustration and annoyance. I have good days and bad days with FSS. Usually there are more good days and I've figured out activities that I can do with FSS where we can bond and get along. And I totally agree, I'm doing the step parenting thing because I love my fiance, not because I really wanted to have a four year old in my life every other weekend. Sometimes you do things for the people you love even if it's not the path you would have chosen. My dad said that to me about ten years ago, and now I understand what he meant.
I'm all for honest communication with FI when it comes to his son. I've told him that I find it hard to share every other weekend since we don't get a lot of time together, and that I'm jealous of the undivided attention FSS gets from him when I get his phone ringing through dinner, etc. That's really helped us and it's given him the opportunity to recognize when I'm feeling frustrated, etc. I would maybe explain to your husband that you're feeling left out of the situation and jealous of the time he spends doting on her because that's the core of it. It's not the child herself, but what she represents in terms of time and relationships.
Feel free to PM me any time, I totally get where you're coming from. We all need to vent :)
@brittanymichelle: I completely agree with you and am in a similar situation. My FI tries to be more like a best friend than a father to his 2 daughters. So they have no rules or even a bedtime. So when they stay with us, I lay down the law and don't let them disrespect me or my FI. I do get criticism from my FI for this sometimes, but he always backs me up in the moment.
I do really worry about when we have children of our own. I know it will be more of an issue concerning how his current children feel.
I never saw myself as a stepmom and am still trying to get used to the term. I guess I will just talk to my FI if I have issues and work through this the best that I can. They will be 18 soon enough! ha.
As someone who has never remembered her parents being married and just remembered different step-parents (give my parents so credit, they were young teens when they married due to me), if you have any questions on developing a good relationship with your step-kids, let me know. I've had good and horrible step-parents.
mx4 - as far as your feelings for your step-daughter, I've been in her place. It's awful. Changing homes, changing rules, changing schedules, changing from only to siblings. Yes, she's 5 and you've raised four children, but that's not her fault. You knew this when you married your husband and you married him as well as her. It's a new adjustment for everyone in this situation. And of course your husband treats his biological 5 year old differently than he treats his stepchildren who are older and need less. You probably, from what you say, do the same thing too. It's not a bad thing; it's just the way it is. Step-parents treat their biological children different.
As for being resentful of his daughter, be careful. This ruined my Dad's second marriage. She resented me and constantly made my Dad choose between us (not saying you'd do this. I'm just speaking for experience.) You just got married. Give it some time and you'll all be able to adjust.
I have a confession... I LOVE my step children but I am so resentful of them. I wish my husband loved ME as much as he did them. I will always be third and I hate it. It is hard to be a Step mom especially with ex drama but hey I guess the price I pay for choosing him and this all of a sudden family. I have no kids myself. I hope one day this feeling will go away.
@Jizes318: It's like being in a love triangle isn't it?! The other person is there, and you just have to deal with it, the person in the middle is stuck... It's not fair to anyone, but you all have to get along and make it work as best you can. I'm sure things will smooth out over time, I don't think the adjustment to being a step parent happens overnight, I think it's an evolving process.
@bakerella: that is sorta our problem, his mothers had no consistent rules and we spend then enitre weekend trying to whip him back into shape.. it's so frustrating because i act like a mother, and his mother lets him do what he wants, and mostly so does his father unless i really put my foot down and make him enforce the rules.. they don't understand that what is good for him isn't always fun, they just want to keep him happy, which is okay, except that fact that cleaning your room, going to bed without a movie and eating dinner with the family pisses him off! lol, so i make the rules really, because his parents don't realize how important rules really are!
@brittanymichelle: What's going to be best for your SS is if you and DH get on the same page about parenting and rules. It has to be confusing for SS to have three parents with three different parenting styles, and different expectations from all of you. I think you guys need to find a compromise and it's definitely not fair for you to be "bad cop" all the time. It's going to cause a big strain on your relationship with SS because you're going to be the mean one and you're going to be super stressed all the time. Maybe you and DH need to sit down one night and come up with some ground rules, etc and start working as a team?
@mx4: i don't have any of my own children, but i fear that i will also feel this resentment because i resent my step-sons mother... i always feel like the world revolves around her, and it makes it very difficult. she has always made poor decisions in her life and everyone feels bad for her because the father of her 2nd and 3rd children recently passed away from a drug overdose, and i know this sounds mean, but if you don't want drugs in your kids lives, than don't get pregnant by someone who does drugs, and the things that he did. i've always been very aware of the result of the decisions i make, and she gets all the sympathy because she never thinks about the results and ends up in a bad place and everyone feels bad for her... whew, i don't ever tell anyone that, but i always feel it!
@brittanymichelle: Ugh I totally agree. I resent everything FSS's mom took away from me. First birthday parties, first christmas, FIRST BIRTH for goodness sake!!!! All those firsts won't be firsts for FI, just firsts for me. I hate it. I know it'll be different when it's OUR first and honestly, I've come to realize his experience is actually really helpful, but I'm so worried it won't be as special when it comes to be our turn. FI grew up with in a single mother family, so he has an overwhelming amount of sympathy for bio mom. It makes me crazy. She does stupid stupid stupid things and then gets mad at poor FI for no reason when clearly it's a result of her actions and he says "Well it's so hard being a single mom...." Yes I know it's hard. It must be more difficult than I can imagine, but that doesn't make it an excuse for being a rotten person sometimes! She made a decision to have a kid and now that she's figuring out that children aren't cute accessories like a purse we get to pick up the slack?! Are you kidding me?!
@bakerella:we've had this talk 100 times.. ss has a new thing that when i talk to him, whether i'm telling him to come eat dinner, asking what he would like for dinner, telling him what a good job he did cleaning, or whatever, he ingnores me.. acts like i'm not even talking, it makes me want to freak out.. i have no idea how to get him to respond to me, and we also have him most of the time even though we pay child support.. we have him EVERY weekend and everyother week.. talk about no me time.. my husband just doesn't understand that i need grownup time, and when we have children you had better bet your sweet butt that they will be visiting grandma and grandpa at least once a month for a grownup night! he just doesn't get it, and i don't get how he could not want to spend time alone with me!
i love this board! i feel like i've finally found someone who understands what it's like
@brittanymichelle: Ugh that really really sucks. How old is your stepson? I'm wondering if the ignoring you is just an age thing? FI has always told me that he likes the age his son is now (4-1/2) because it's likely by the time he's 12 or 13 he's going to hate our guts and never come want to come over, and then when he's 17 he's going to hate his mother and want to move in with us instead. Skippy. I can hardly wait. Have you guys thought about family counselling or maybe some kind of parenting guides to help? It's not fair that all this stress is falling on you. And I certainly don't envy your timesharing arrangements! I could NOT deal with that. I typically max out at three days and then I start going on 4 hour errands...
@brittanymichelle: Agreed. I don't have any friends who are step parents, and it's hard to explain to other people. No one can get your point of view unless they're going through the same thing.
@bakerella: he is 5 1/2... it is really hard.. the hardest part about having him all the time is that we pay her child support, and buy his clothes and feed him.. we are financially burdened, and it really is extra stress that doesn't need to be added to parenting.. i'm terrified that when we get pregnant i won't be able to afford nice things for my baby because he is so focused on him... (keep in mind af vistited me yesterday and i'm rediculously emotional today!) i just wish that we had a honeymoon period, i kinda missed out... the funny part is my we have my ss so much that people actually thought my husband would want to bring him on the honeymoon, really, they thought he would.. but i did put my foot down and say that if he felt the need to take his son on our 5 day honeymoon, that we weren't getting married!
I find it fascinating to read these being a step child myself. It does give me a whole new perspective on the situation hearing how you ladies feel such jealousy towards your step children. I will say that being a step child is one of the most difficult portions of my life I went through. While I can understand the frustrations of dealing with someone elses child so often especially when you have little control over their behavior it is even more difficult to be the child. Your mother is feeling defensive that you are going to be taken away and now have a new mom, you feel like your dad is abandoning you for some other women and he is going to leave you beind and stop loving you and you feel like this random adult who isn't really part of your family now wants to tell you what to do.
The discipline is one of the hardest parts because you are so used to the rules you have set up and then step mom wants to change things. I do not ever remember my parents living together and so staying with my dad and step mother was such a confusing time. The two of you are trying to learn how to get along while you may be trying to figure out these new step children too. I really felt like my father loved his step son and my half brothers more than he loved me when he remarried. I never got the kind of attention he gave them and I felt like I was being pushed to the side. I spent alot of time by myself and I felt pushed out of the family because I wasn't there every weekend. I really felt like their house wasn't my second home more like I was an intruder in their daily lives.
The best advice I can give is to find a balance. Understand that as confusing as this is for you it is twice as confusing for your step child. You have that serious commitement your husband made to you and you go to bed with him each night and he tells you he loves you. Your step child may be feeling neglected and like he loves you more than he loves them
Discipline is really tricky and I would be careful how much you push that issue. I never wanted to be controled by my step mother because she wasn't my mother. I resented her for that. If your step childs mother does not give a lot of discipline (as my mother did not) I would encourage your husband to be the disciplinarian when it comes to the child. You can't argue with what dad says but they may argue with what you say.
Make them feel as if they are welcome in your home. Try to have a space set aside for them with touches of things they like. Don't move them from room to room or cram them in a corner. Make an effort to include them in your conversations and maybe even try to spend time one on one with them in a none threatening setting.
Finally your jealousy will get you no where. It will become you vs. his children and there will be casualties. My step mother harbored such anger towards my sister and I that when my father and her got a divorce she told him that she hated us the entire time they were married because he didn't pay as much attention to her. It shouldn't be a competition. I'm sure your husband feels lost as to how to control the situation and make everyone feel loved. Talk to him. Express your feelings, it may just be enough to admit that you feel that way and have it out in the open for him to understand.
I hope I don't sound judgemental or like I am trying to tell you ladies you are wrong. I just hope that the other side may help you understand your step children and I hope you are able to really make them work into your family as if they were your own.
@MsBrooklynA: I totally see where you're coming from, but you hit the nail on the head when you were talking about the discipline, your stepmother is not your mom. There's always that differentiation and that line to walk. I don't want to by my FSS's mom, trust me, but I'm also part of a parenting team. I'm very fortunate that I've been in FSS's life since he was born, so he doesn't know any other way than Mommy, Daddy and Bakerella. Because of that I think I have it a bit easier, although we still have bad days. We make an effort to make sure he has time just with daddy, and some times we have time just the two of us, or more often, activities (like baking, surprise!) that we do without Daddy. I worry about exactly what you said, that eventually he'll feel like FI loves our (future) kids more than him or that I'll feel like FI spends more time/energy on FSS than our kids. I think no matter what we have to work together as a team to create a family that is cohesive and just do the best we can. No matter what, we're all human and we're all going to go through a range of emotions over the years as we and our relationships grow and age.
Well from my side I will not be having any children. His children are all that I will have. I am came into this relationship being single and free. Him from a divorce that ended because she was unfaithful. Their mother has another guy in their home and I am now married to their father. They listen to me pretty well. Occasionally I have to be more firm. My Husband and I do not see eye to eye on some things and we have fought about it. He makes me feel like a bad guy If i have to be a little firm. Especially if we are out in public and they are acting like spoiled brats. They are young girls and tend to act like that.
Well I am rambling on but my point is I will never worry about having my own and their interaction but I am use to having my guys full attention. Now it is them first then me. I wont live my life hating them but I don't think their is anything wrong with me wishing I was not 3rd place. It becomes over whelming.
I was a pseudo-stepmom in my last serious relationship, and I can tell you, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.
First, because their real mother was not a very good one, they had ZERO discipline. Actually, my "X" wasn't good either. They both had so much guilt over how their divorce affected the kids that they tried to do/give the kids anything they wanted. It was so bad, that we took his son to an amusement park, and instead of riding on rides and seeing shows, all he wanted to do was go to the gift shop and buy stuff (he was given everything, so buying stuff was the norm for him). Both of the two kids had no manners. They would leave a mess in the house, break things and not apologize, and were really rude to me (and never corrected). We finally split. I had been there for the kids more often than their own mother (I was with the son when he was 6 and throwing up, I slept in his room when he was scared, I drove his daughter to friends and bought her stuff for college, etc). Yet, the kids caused the split because they decided they didn't like me anymore (after 6 years).
I found out a few years ago that the daughter had pretty severe bulimia, was confused about her sexuality (which wouldn't have bothered me and I probably would have been a great sounding board for that), and the son had brought a pistol to school- he was about 13 at that point-right after we split up. Now, said son is barely 20 and is a father himself, living with my x, with a very low paying job and not much of a future.
It was sad for me when we split, but in hindsight....
I think the best thing you can do is for you and hubby to sit down ALONE together and decide on the rules TOGETHER, then sit the kids down and tell them TOGETHER. THEN STICK TO IT. That way, you are presenting a united front, which is very important. You may have to bend on some things- as will he.
Thank you for all of you who responded. Obviously, this topic touches a nerve for a lot of people.
Reading all of your replies, I feel a sense of relief that I am not the only one who feels that way. I thought that I felt that way because I have my own children, and if I didn’t, I would be able to love his child like my own. But reading what a lot of you wrote, it sounds like it doesn’t make any difference – even those who don’t have children of their own have hard time loving the step child like it was theirs…
My situation is different from a lot of yours – it is actually better, because I do have my kids living with us, and his child only spends 1/3 of the time with us, plus she really IS a good kid. Which, in a way, actually makes me feel worse!!! Like I am an evil person, not appreciating the things that I have!
You see, I am not jealous of his daughter on my own behalf – I KNOW that my wonderful husband loves me to death, I don’t feel threatened by his love for his daughter for my own sake. I know he adores her, but I also know that he adores me. It’s two different kinds of love, and I am not comparing them. I do not feel like I am #2 for him after his daughter, I feel like we are both #1, sharing the first place in his heart . I am jealous on behalf of MY children! I want MY kids to have a father who loves them as much and in the same way as my husband loves his daughter. He does love them and cares about them, and he is very good to them, but they are definitely NOT sharing the #1 stop with me and his daughter.
To those of you who wrote from the perspective of being a step-child – thank you so much for your input! The thing is, I fully realize that my feelings towards my step-daughter are NOT her fault, just like it is not her fault that her parents got divorced when she was a newborn, and now she has to go between 2 completely different kinds of households – in one she is the only child, the ONLY focus of her mothers’ life (seriously, the woman has no life outside of raising her daughter), the sole center of attention, and then other household, super busy, where she is one of 5 kids, there are completely different sets of rules, and where her dad spends most of his time with the other 4 kids, and not her. So, I completely understand why he feels like devoting his full attention to her when she is with us. He misses her, and he feels bad for her that she is missing out on the whole “family experience” when she is not with us. The child herself is a really good kid – respectful, eager to please, fairly obedient, an all-around happy little girl. She is worried about how I feel about her. She’s asked me, “Mx4 (except using my real name, of course J), do you like me?” It made me feel like the worst person on the planet! I said, “Of course I like you, I like you very much!”, and gave her hugs and kisses, but it wasn’t true… She also asked my husband, “Daddy, do you love Mx4 more than you love me?” That just breaks my heart… He told her that he loves both of us, and it is 2 completely different kinds of love. What do you say to something like that?
It’s MY problem that I am burnt out raising so many kids and have hard time going back 5 years, not hers! That’s exactly why I posted – I feel terrible about my feelings towards her. I WANT to be a good step-mom, I WANT to love her with all my heart. I am just trying to figure out how to suppress those unattractive feelings that I have towards her, and open my heart to this child.
@mx4: It sounds like you have every reason to be tired of raising kids after four of your own!! I think as a step parent the best you can do is to constantly and consistently try your hardest. If doing your best somedays means taking a break and sending DH and SD off for a "daddy and daughter" quality time afternoon, do it. It's better than getting short or losing your temper (or building up more resentment because you're tired!). It's important to find balance. I can understand why you're feeling all the things you're feeling. I've wondered if I will feel the same way once we have our own kids and FSS comes to visit. I think that's totally natural. I hate it when people make the assumption that you love your step kid "like your own". He's not mine. I love him, but I love him like I love a close friend's kid (well maybe a bit more than that). Bio parents and kids have a bond that's so inexplicable, how can you expect a step parent to have the same thing?!
Everything that you just said, insert your DH's name instead of yours. What if he feels the same way about your kids? He loves them, but they're not his. He loves spending time with them but there's four of them and it's tiring. Maybe spending time with his daughter is a great escape from a really busy household! You guys should talk about this, I bet you have a lot more in common about step parenting than you realize! It may help you feel better to realize both of you feel the same way some days. I also think if you don't see yourself being able to let go of feeling guilty, you should maybe talk to a family counsellor. I think just getting it out like you did here would make you feel a lot better. Someone posted an article a while ago by a psychotherapist called it's okay not to love your stepkids. I'll find it for you and post it.
http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/2010/06/29/stepchildren_toleration_love_open2010
Thank you so much, Bakerella! It's a great article! I'm going to try really hard to follow everybody's advice. I've never been MEAN to my step-daughter, never raised my voice at her or anything like that. But sometimes I find it impossible to hide my irritation, and she can see it from my facial expression or my obvious avoidance of her. I'll try harder. And you're right, it DID help just to vent it out here, and find that I am far from being alone in this (or similar) situation.
Great article. My FH has 2 kids - 21 and 6 (and 2 exwives). Unfortunately the exs have joined forces and completely tainted the 21 year told. The 6 year old likes me, but I think is cautious because of what her mother says. I try to use the days my FH has the 6 year old for my "alone" time - go to the gym, get hair done etc, and my FH sees it as avoiding the 6 year old. Not so - just see teh need for the two of them to be together without me. The 21 year old has been influenced by her mother AND step mother about how terrible her dad is because he left the exwife #2 and now living with some tramp - me (who is highly educated, very successful, and pays the soon to be stepdaughters college tuition BTW...) oh and - I had a terrible dad - havent talked to him in 22 yrs at his choice...she has no idea. (Can you tell I'm a little bitter?) Anyway honestly I really dont know the 21 year old. I know she treats her dad terribly and it makes him sad, and I've only met her 3 times in the 4 yrs we're together. The 6 year old - not her fault - but her mother has no life except for her - and she is incredibly attention seeking. And cries. All. the. time. I walk away and let my FH deal with her. Not my kid, not my problem. I dont have kids, really dont like them, and am basically neutral with the whole situation. He doesnt expect me to take care of her and when she is here he is the primary care taker. I just dont feel the bond I am supposed to feel. I suspect maybe when she gets older I will relate more. I feel bad, but it is what it is. So I am glad to know I am normal. I do love my FH very much and want very much to be married to him, so I know that this is a trade off and I do it willingly for him. But sometimes I just want him to myself on a Fri night with a glass of wine and a little adult fun on the floor in the living room.
In the last few days, there were good things and bad things about step-parenting.
First, the bad part. Here is an example of things that make me jealous.
My 9- and 11-year-olds are away at a summer camp for 2 weeks right now (they are returning tomorrow), so we only have my 17- and 19-year-olds living with us these two weeks, plus my SD visited a couple of times for a few hours, last time being almost a week ago, and she is coming today for a few hours in the evening (no sleep over), and then tomorrow she is coming back for the entire weekend (her weekends with us are Thursday thru Sunday - 3 days long, every other weekend). Anyway, it didn’t even have anything to do with her.
The camp where my kids are posts pictures of the kids at camp every day, and the parents can log in and see their kids. You can also send them one-way emails (they print them out and give them to the kids, and the kids can reply by regular “snail” mail). Of course, I check it out every single day, write them emails almost every day, and really look forward to getting and reading their letters. My husband, on the other hand, only looks at the pictures when I show them to him (he can log in any time, just like me, of course – but he doesn’t), only wrote one email to the kids, and when we got the letters from them, he put them in the pile with MY mail, even though they were clearly addressed to the both of us. In their letters, the kids greet both of us, and wish him happy birthday (it was while they were in camp), and tell us about their camp life, and tell us how much they love and miss BOTH of us. Him not really showing any interest in reading those, or not going online to check out their pictures at camp, just broke my heart!!! When the letters arrived and he put them in my pile (and he did look at some of his own mail, so he did have a few minutes to spare), he said, “I have to run now for an appointment, but I’ll read them when I come back”. Of course, when he came back, he forgot all about it. The next day I asked him if he wanted to read the letters, and he said, “Sure, right after my nap”. Of course, he forgot after the nap, too. So, finally I asked the 3rd time, and this time he read them, and he was touched by what the kids were saying, and he said that he should write them an email (I don’t even know if he followed through or forgot again…). And all I can think of is: If HIS daughter was at camp, he’d be checking the pictures every 5 minutes, and writing her every day, and reading her letters as soon as he got them. But it’s my kids, so it’s not interesting to him… It just made me soooo sad, and I felt so bad for my kids…
Now, the good part.
My almost-18-year-old son. It was our kid-free weekend and my husband and I went upnorth to our lake lot for the weekend. My son asked if he could come visit us and bring some friends. My husband said no problem, and my son brought a friend. My husband took them fishing, let them ride the 4-wheeler on the trails, showed them how to shoot a gun safely (and let them use his gun for it at a make-shift range nearby), took them boating and tubing, grilled hamburgers for them, all the while I was relaxing in a hammock by the lake, reading a book, and doing nothing else! How wonderful is this man?!?
My 19-year-old daughter. She and I have had our difficulties, both of us being strong-willed and independent, so we don’t always get along too well, though I love her to death. She is very motivated, driven, straight A student at the university (pre-med), is on a bunch of different committees and organizations, sorority, religious, etc. She is attractive, popular, and my pride and joy. But she is also moody and stubborn, and, worst of all, doesn’t really like her younger siblings, finds them annoying and irritating (all the while saying that my 4.5-year-old stepdaughter is very cute and fun!), and it really hurts my feelings. But she has developed a great, friendly relationship with my new husband, and she confines in him. He is the kind of father she never had – he talks to her, doesn’t judge her, helps her whenever she needs help (her car breaking down, computer not working, etc.), cooks her favorite foods, etc. So, she complained to him that, while she is trying to improve our relationship (between me and her), the only times I talk to her is when I need something, like to ask her to clean her room, or to babysit or drive the younger kids somewhere. That I don’t really hang out with her, don’t talk to her about her day, etc. My husband (very tactfully, without accusations or making me feel bad, or like a bad mother!) brought this to my attention, and encouraged me to hang out with my daughter without asking her for favors or ordering her to clean her room (which needs cleaning badly, btw). And we did that last night, and it was REALLY nice. We just chatted, and watched some stupid reality tv, and enjoyed each others’ company. And all of that – thanks to my wonderful, thoughtful, amazing husband!
So, that’s my step-parenting story of the week : ).
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Does anyone else have hard time being a stepmom? Is anyone else jealos of your SO's love for his child? And I don't mean jealous on your own behalf, but on behalf of your children? Like, I want him to love MY kids that much...