(Closed) Step parents

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I have a step father and I don’t really expect him to do anything much. I guess I expect a small gift from him for Christmas because I always get him a gift, but other than that I do not expect much love and support from him like I do from my biological parents.  He is my mother’s third husband and we’re not very close.

Post # 4
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t expect anything seperate from my stepdad for holidays even though I buy him a gift.  When my parents were married, I got gifts from my mom and dad jointly, there were never gifts from mom and seperate gifts from dad.  I don’t expect my mom and stepdad to be any different.

Post # 5
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think it depends on when the step-parent becomes a part of the child’s life and if that child has both biological parents to rely on. Every family is different.

My grandfather is not my mom’s biological father, but we treat him as if he is. He’s been there from day one when my mother had no other father figure as a small child and we consider him just as close as blood. I view my father’s new wife, however, a little differently. My dad left my mother for her when I was 8 and although I was young at the time I still understood a lot. This put a rift between us for many years. Today we aren’t very close, but I still buy her gifts and she always tries to get little things for me or show me that she does care.

My FI has a 4 year old son and in his case he has been raised to know that he has two dads and two moms. I don’t make him call me mom, but he does call FI as well as his step-dad “dad.” I treat him as if he’s my own and he loves both of his “families” just the same. As he gets older I would imagine that we’ll all be close and we’d spoil him and buy gifts for him just the same as our biological kids together. He always gets special treats from me 🙂

Post # 6
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have a step dad who has been a major part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. He treats me just like I was his own bilological daughter, when I am out with with him and my mom he inroduces me as his daughter. I treat him as I would my own biological father, my bio dad wasn’t a part of my life for a long time, so I only really had my step dad. That being said I consider all of my step dads brothers and sisters my aunts and uncles, and his mom treated me as one of her grandkids, we all got the same thing for x-mas ect.

I consider my step dad and step family to be my family, so I would feel a little hurt if they treated me as an outsider. However if say my bio dad now got remarried I don’t think I would really consider his new wife as another mom, and I probably wouldn’t be really close with her kids or family, just because of my age now, it wouldn’t be how it was when I was growing up, my step brothers were always in and out of the house and so on, so we all grew up together. I would def. want to be apart of the family as a whole though.

Post # 7
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I can’t speak for myself because I don’t have any step parents, but my husband does.

His mother left his father for his step-father when he was under 10 years old and it still affects him to this day as a man in his 30’s.

I have always been told that most mothers will be very protective of their children to their new husband – not letting the step-parent treat the step-child differently.

My husband’s mother was the opposite- she may not realize/admit it, but she treated her son as a reflection of her former husband (they resemble each other greatly) and so he was treated very poorly in comparison to his half-sister, who was treated wonderfully and as a result had a normal childhood.

His step-father didn’t ask his wife to treat her children equally (why would he? His daughter was being treated as the favorite), and so my husband has the most hard feelings toward him because he was quite useless.

It’s the saddest part of his step-family, because his mother broke apart the only family he knew, made a new family with another man and then excluded him from that one as well. She kept him from his father as much as she could.

Horrible, so horrible.

Post # 8
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My dad and stepmom got married when I was 8, so she’s been part of my life for a long time, a lot of which my biological mother was not involved at all. She’s always called me “their” child (referring to her and my father). 

That said, she’s always taken a much much greater interest in her biological children, and doesn’t really have any sort of relationship with my brothers at all. I always sort of felt like my father married into her family, as opposed to having two families blend together, and I’ve often felt that her attitude towards me was more lip-service to please my father rather than a genuine interest in wanting to be my mother.

I talk to her more than I talk to my dad, although I don’t talk to either of them much anymore. They both sort of lost any interest in my life after I became an adult. (Ironically, I’m now very close to my mother). 

Post # 9
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My mom remarried 2 years ago when I was 23 and my brother was 28. Stepdad treats me like his own and is very much looking forward to becoming grandpa to my upcoming baby. On the other hand my brother and Stepdad don’t have a relationship. They’re cordial when they see each other but don’t really talk and never have. Its like two completely different situations. I think part of this stems from the fact that I don’t have much of a relationship with my biological father so SD tries to step in where he can. My brother on the other hand still associates on a regular basis with our dad so maybe SD doesn’t need to play that same role. SD has a daughter that is 18. Her mom died 5 years ago so my mom works hard to give her that mother daughter relationship and still respect that she isn’t her biological mom- its a hard balance. Interestingly enough though SD and I have a relationship that is much more respectful of each other than his relationship with StepSister. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not sure there’s any set standard or protocall for these type of things.

Post # 10
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My dad has had too significant relationships since my mom and I am close with both step-moms.  Even the one he is not married to anymore. Technically, he is not married to his current girlfriend but she is like a mom to me.  She has even helped pitch in finacially for the wedding.  She comes to all the wedding planning things like tastings and dress shopping and we all spend all the holidays together.  I am relatively close with her daughters as well although we are all adults and live in different areas so its not quite like we are siblings but still close.  I plan to have both my ex step-mom and my dads girlfriend walk down the aisle as moms at my wedding and be in all the family photos. I guess I never realized that some families don’t blend. 

@NYEbride what do you think would happen if you tried to involve your step-mom in more things or do you even want a closer relationship with her?

Post # 11
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My dad has had too significant relationships since my mom and I am close with both step-moms.  Even the one he is not married to anymore. Technically, he is not married to his current girlfriend but she is like a mom to me.  She has even helped pitch in finacially for the wedding.  She comes to all the wedding planning things like tastings and dress shopping and we all spend all the holidays together.  I am relatively close with her daughters as well although we are all adults and live in different areas so its not quite like we are siblings but still close.  I plan to have both my ex step-mom and my dads girlfriend walk down the aisle as moms at my wedding and be in all the family photos. I guess I never realized that some families don’t blend. 

@NYEbride what do you think would happen if you tried to involve your step-mom in more things or do you even want a closer relationship with her?

Post # 12
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Both FI and I have step-parents. Actually, technically mine isn’t even really a step parent since my mom and her boyfriend aren’t married but he’s been in my life for more than 10 years and he IS my dad.

To answer your question… Yes, I expect to be treated as one of their own and both FI and I are. His step dad has 2 older sons from a previous marriage but in his SD’s eyes, there is no difference between FI and his brother and his biological sons. If anything, he treats FI and my FBIL better than his biological sons (mainly because FI and FBIL aren’t total douche bags). My “step-dad” doesn’t have any kids of his own but he refers to me as his daughter and I refer to him as my dad. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t contribute to the making of me, he’s more of a father to me than my bio one has ever been and thats what makes a “dad”. 

As for the gifts, I can’t really answer this because in both mine and FI’s situations, our mothers do all the shopping so everything is from both them and our step fathers. It’s not that its our mothers “obligation” to buy our gifts, they are just the ones that shop. Just like all of the gifts that I purchase are from both FI and I. (does that make sense? lol)

I don’t think there’s ever an excuse for step parents to treat their step children any differently than they do their biological children. When you marry into a family, that family becomes yours and should be treated with the same level of love and respect that your own family is treated with. 

Post # 13
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have had two step-moms. My first step-mom and her whole family treated me and my brother worse than vermin, and thats basically the reason my dad divorced her. Now, my dad got remarried 4 years ago to a woman I can happily say is the love of his life. She doesn’t treat me EXACTLY like her own children, but she did come into my life when I was 21. It was hard tho, because before she came along I was the only female in my father’s life for years and yes, I was spoiled. And then she entered and kind of put a stop to that, but whatever. In the beginning, it was hard. Things are getting better tho! She buys her grandkids bday presents, but they didn’t get anything for my daughter’s first bday this year!

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