Post # 1
My fiance and I are doing a destination wedding and then a small recpeption when we get home. His mom remarried 2 yrs ago and has 4 stepchildren. We don’t know them at all. She never properly introduced them to us. I just recently learned all their names! We see them about twice a year for about 4hrs. There are so many kids running around that we never get a chance to talk to anyone. We decided back in Nov. since we are paying for everything that we would not invite them to our wedding. We would rather leave the select number people allowed to close family and friends. We are on a very tight budget. We discussed this with his mom and she didn’t seem upset with the decision.
Well, I found one of my future MIL friends on a social networking site and she asked if any of the stepfamily were going to our destination wedding or reception. I told her no and that we don’t know them well and decided not to invite them. She responded by basically telling me how horrible that was and how it’s going to cause major issues. She went on to tell me that I was embarrising myself by snubbing my future MIL. (Keep in mind my fiance’s mother decided to visit this woman at Christmas time instead of being with her blood family, but managed to celebrate before she left with her stepfamily.)
This was soley my fiance’s decision and I am only supporting him. If his mother had offered to help fianically or make an effort to get us all to know each other things may have been different. She hasn’t mentioned this issue to us and I don’t feel other people have a right to belittle us for our decison. I am very angry and upset by this (can you tell?)
Post # 3
Yes, I can tell 🙂 Now breathe!
If you do not know your stepfamily, it’s not extremely inappropriate for you to not invite them. You told her she could if she wanted to foot the bill. In a normal wedding situation, yes, you should have invited them, but this is a destination wedding. As this isn’t coming from your MIL but a friend, clear things up and make sure that she doesn’t feel this way. It could just be a friend causing unnecessary trouble.
Perhaps you could invite the stepkids to the reception, even if it is going to be a small one, to pacify everyone. Afterall, they are now part of your FI’s famiy, even if they aren’t too friendly.
Post # 4
A wedding isn’t a time for a makeshift family reunion imho. My thoughts now on weddings and who gets an invite is this..if these people aren’t actively involved in who we are, they don’t get an invite. If they aren’t reciprocal in friendship, they don’t get an invite. No inviting every second cousin once removed for me!
You barely even KNOW THEIR NAMES! Why worry? If this were (I am being very honest and say this with love ok?) something of importance to you future MIL, I think she would have introduced you to them properly and helped you get to know them.
I don’t think you should foot the bill for all these people AND THEIR KIDS all of whom you barely know to come to your wedding. If they do come, it’s on their own dime and you pay for reception..only.
I think they’d see it as a makeshift family reunion or a free vacay on your dime since they too haven’t spent the time getting to know you either.
don’t listen to the friend of the MIL. It’s not her wedding or her money either! And if the MIl to be spent Christmas with somebody other than her stepfamily or immediate family, I wouldn’t worry too much. Plus the MIL isn’t too worried about this either.
If you wish, you could hold a family only cocktail party or dinner in honor of the wedding and invite them after the wedding occurs. Maybe a month or two after the marriage. That would be the maximum I would ever consider. And have MIL do that.
I don’t believe in inviting only to a reception as it makes people feel like they are on the "B" list. .
Many hugs to you and your FI.
Post # 5
Is your concern that MIL’s firend, is really the mouthpiece for your MIL? You said that your FMIL doesn’t have a problem with not inviting them. So unless you feel like your FMIL, is not being honest with you, I’d say don’t listen to her friend. This friend rubs me the wrong way. (YOur embarrassing yourself? Your snubbing your FMIL?) This isn’t even about you. This is your FI’s choice.
Personally, I would tell him about the friend. And let him discuss this with his mom. (And if there is a way to uninvite the friend, I’d consider that too 😉