- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
My stepmother and I aren’t close. She’s been my stepmom for 20 years. Years of badmouthing my mother at the beginning of her marriage to my dad didn’t endear me to her, and i’ve always kept her a bit at arm’s length due to that. I only saw her weekends growing up so its not like she was in a parent role to me, although she has thrown huge scenes when I did not agree with her that she is a parent to me. I have always viewed her more as my dad’s wife due to only seeing her weekends and being almost a teen when she married my dad. She forces herself on others. At my cousin’s wedding my cousin had to throw her out of her dressing room(cousin wanted it just her and her mom just as I do) and Stepmom got so offended cause “I’m family and I have a right to be in there”. In Stepmom’s family she is used to be fully included in her nieces/nephews lives and never adapted to my dad’s family where it just isn’t the same level of involvement. So obviously I’m worried about her role at my wedding. Here’s what I am thinking for my wedding……
She will not be part of the processional (seating of the mothers). She will take her seat before the music begins (she’s likely to get very offended over this)
She will be included in some (not all) photos. Nobody is included in all shots. She was okay with a photo of mom and dad at my college graduation, so hopefully the wedding will be the same.
I will invite her parents and siblings (they’ve always been nice to me and i really like her family)
She will sit with immediate family (my mom, dad, aunts, uncles) at the reception as Mom and Stepmom can be civil and polite
Her name will NOT be included in my wedding invite or program as I don’t view her as a parent (again likely to get offended by not being viewed as a parent)
I will give her a corsage, but it will be smaller and different than the mothers corsages that my mom and MIL will receive
To throw her a bone as being family and the center of attention is so important to her, I thought I’d give her a job like guest book attendant or handing out programs and to keep her away from me while i’m getting ready
She will not be in the bridal suite helping me dress before the wedding. That is reserved for my mom. After my cousin had to throw her out of her dressing room at her wedding I know Stepmom will feel she has every right to be in my dressing room.
Should I discuss these things with her before the wedding? We’re not close (although she thinks we are just cause i act friendly towards her), and because she tries to force me to believe that she’s my parent too, she is highly likely to get offended if she is not included as an equal to my mom especially with her family there to put on a show for. I’m sure she’ll be embarrassed with her family there if she is not treated as a “mother”. She had no real part in raising me. I was 12 when she married my dad, lived with my mom, and only visited my dad every other weekend. I want to get it across to her that she is family at this wedding but won’t be in a parent role, but even that is likely to offend her and she’ll start screaming. So she’s kind of in a role like an aunt would be. My dad is no help at all. He’ll agree with me, but is very controlled by her and never has had the guts to stand up to his wife. Oh, and Dad isn’t contributing financially to the wedding. Fiance and I are 100% paying for it ourselves so they can’t hold money over us.
Considering how she is I think I am being more than kind. I am including her in many ways(even inviting her family), just not including her as an equal to my mother, which she is not. I think I’ve comprimised a lot considering the woman was quite very mean and nasty to me (which she now never believes happened).