(Closed) Stepmother anxiety…..

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
9920 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Are you closer to her age or his?  I know that’s a sensitive question, but it could be why…

 

If you are older (you know what I mean, right???), maybe she is just a bit bratty still about her dad marrying another woman.  I would just try to stay positive and invite her to maybe get dinner with you sometime.  Get to know her.  Ignore her brattiness — it’ll pass.

Post # 5
Member
9920 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Do you have a relationship with her at all?  How often do you see each other?  I think, if it’s important to you to have a good relationship with her, that you need to reach out.  Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I can look at this from two perspectives:

I am 26 years old and about to marry a man with 2 children. On the one hand, I am terrified of my every move. I so want his children (9 and 4) to grow up loving me as a member of their family. (Not mom, obvi, but like extended family member) I work really hard to have a good relationship with them, not step on their mom’s toes, and make sure they know that I respect their relationship with their mother, would never try to replace or supplement that relationship, but that I want to have a separate and different relationship with them that is special in their own way. It would be impossible for my relationship with my FI to work if I couldn’t have a good relationship with his children.

On the other hand, my parents divorced when I was 9.  My mother bounced from marriage to marriage and my father didn’t settle down until very recently. At this point, I just don’t care about their SO’s. I am happy that they are happy, but I don’t live at home anymore. I see my parents occasionally, but I am not a child anymore. I’m not going to bond with their SO’s. Actually, I don’t have any sort of relationship with either of them and I don’t want to. This is another stage in my parents’ lives and I respect that, but I have my own life. Like I said, I am glad my parents have people that make them happy, but I just don’t want to spend the time or energy building new relationships. I’m time-strapped enough as it is.

So, from my extremely biased POV, I can see how you want to have a relationship with them, but the best way to do that is NOT to force it, and absolutely NOT to expect them to get excited for you or cater to you.  They are older and not looking for a 40-something BFF, or another mother figure. Your starting a life with the man you love, so be happy for that. But honestly, I think it’s too late in these kids’ lives to think your’e going to have a real relationship.

DISCLAIMER: I am basing all of this off of my own life’s experiences and circumstances, but everyone is different.  My words might have no bearing on your situation whatsoever. I’m just giving you some POV from another side.

Post # 9
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@speechgal44:  Whew, I’m relieved you weren’t offended. I didn’t want to sound too harsh, I just wanted to give you another perspective. I’d suggest just giving it time and very gently letting her know that you would like a friendly relationship.  Divorced kids are super resentful of their parents and their parent’s SO’s. It’s nto fair, but it’s true.

Post # 11
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t necessarily think that you can pass off a 21 year old as “moody.” That makes her sound like a 15 year old that is still going through puberty, for heavens sakes. As a 20 year old, I would say that she should have probably acknowledged you, especially if you’ve been okay in the past. But personally, I am a big appeaser and will just suck it up and be nice even if I don’t like it…

Post # 13
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

I would just let her be. As a 23 year old, I definitely remember being moody at times as a 21 year old at times. Even though I wasn’t going through puberty anymore, my brain was still developing. Things that seemed like a big deal to me at that time, aren’t anymore.

My general perception of teens/young adults (I have a few second cousins ages 14-18) is that you should just let them be because you honestly have no idea, and no way of knowing what is going on with them/how their minds are working.

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