(Closed) Stepmother in the works….

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh, I am so sorry. I am trying to think if it was me and my FI and I would be devastated. First off, I would not call off the wedding. You obviously love each other enough to want to spend the rest of your lives together. I would definately sit down with him and have a candid talk. I would tell him everything that is worrying and bothering you about it. THis is a stressful time right now considering your wedding is this fall!!!  I hate to ask this but is he sure the kid is his? Has he had a paternity test done? If not, I would definately urge him to. I have seen too many women tell an ex that their child was his, when it wasn’t. Just because the real dad is a loser.

Maybe going to counseling could help also. I’m sure this isn’t going to be easy for him either and having someone else there to listen would help. No matter what, up front, he needs to let the baby mamma know that (if it’s his child) he will take responsibility, but she is not going to run his life through the child. You two are going to be newlyweds, starting a life together, you need time to be with each other without all this stress or your marriage is going to be in serious trouble.  Good luck and i’m soooo sorry for the stress!!!!

Post # 4
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

i’m sorry to hear… but i agree with kourtann. i think it is a good idea to make sure that it really is his child 100% and then move on to making a decision on what to do with all this. i wish you the best.

Post # 6
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

I ditto kourtann – word for word.

Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Hey.. maybe it’s not his 🙂

 

 

   I don’t think you should call off the wedding unless you don’t want to deal with being a step parent.  Lets face it, we choose who we marry because we want to be with that person, there are other people you can want to be with.  I wouldn’t blame you for it either, because personally I might consider it.  I don’t date men with kids, because I don;t want to deal with their exes for the rest of my life and the emotional baggage.  

 

     Do what feels right to you, not what is right.  People are going to say to stay by his side… but you have to make yourself happy. This is a difficult situation… and do what you can live with.  

Post # 8
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, you loved him before, and he’s still the same guy, so possibly marrying him is still the right thing.  I know it’s hard – my FI has two kids, and has sole custody.  His ex still lives in town, and we see her occasionally, although she has very little to do with the kids.  Although I know that he loves me, and obviously wants to be with me, I was pretty upset for a while about all the little bits of her that were left around and about their house – mostly boxes and boxes of photos (she was quite the camera hog).

I can tell you that it gets better the more you get used to the idea.  Right now it’s very new, and really changes your idea of your relationship, so it seems huge.  Hopefully your FI is understanding of this, and can help you deal with it (as it’s news to him too, he may be a little freaked out as well).  But I don’t think it means that the birth of your first child will be less special – because really it will be the first time around for him (this baby already exists and isn’t even really a baby anymore).  And the experience of having a child purposefully together with you, and raising that child, will be different to him than the experience if finding out this other child exists.  How much involvement you and he have with this other child sort of remains to be seen, but that’s actually a situation that lots of people deal with very successfully, and you can too.

FI is now in the process of moving into my house with his two kids.  As we pack their stuff, we are tossing and taking to the Goodwill all the various things that belonged to his ex that remain in corners of closets and in boxes in the attic – and we have agreed that after sorting through the photos to pick out any of just him and the kids, we will leave the rest on her doorstep – making her responsible for the keeping of any of her and the kids, should they want them in the future.  He totally understood how I felt, once we talked about it. 

I’m sure that you can work this out with your FI, but it will take some work and some time, and I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

If you love him, you should love every part of him – including the part that shares half his DNA. I know it might not be how you planned it to be, but it could work out better than you thought.

Also, I agree with everyone who has posted this that he needs to get a DNA test. There could be a reason she waited so long and that reason could be that the child is not really his.

Don’t call off your wedding. If anything, maybe the two of you should see a therapist to work it all out.

Post # 10
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

while I agree with everything everyone has said, the issue is that this in a way makes him a different person that he was before.  if it is his child, he is now someone’s father.  Technically, that is not who you fell in love with.  While he is still the same person – its not his personality that has changed – but his lifestyle and your lives together will change dramatically.  Its not like you met and fell for a guy with a kid from a previous relationship.  You both met, fell in love, had life plans – all that will change now.

All that being said, its not a matter of anything but will you be able to accept it?  And change your entire life?  I don’t think you should cancel the wedding; you only just found out.  I think you do need to get counseling, meet this woman, talk as a family….postponing the wedding might be a good idea.  But its definitely something you need to really think about and discuss. 

And a child, whether its yours or not, is an amazing thing.  And this child is a part of the man you love.

Post # 11
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

first…get a DNA test.

In all honesty, if you’re not ready to be a step-mom…DON’T. You don’t want to grow to resent the child and your maybe husband.

Second, I agree some of dreambml comments…he is now a father..and while he’s still the same person physically…mentally and emotionally he will change. Get some more time to adjust to that. Postpone the wedding.

Don’t lie to yourself tho, or to him. If you can’t deal with him having a kid with someone else…find out NOW. Figure out how you truly feel about it and if that is a dealbraker for you don’t get married. 

Post # 12
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I can really relate and I’m sending big hugs your way.  Mu husband had a 2-year old child when we met that resulted from a very brief fling gone bad.

The biggest advice I can give to you is that you and your FI MUST remain a united team above all else.  If there’s any chance that you two don’t stick together, it will not work.  I’m not saying that you have to agree on everything, because you won’t, but the minute that you allow others to feel like they are coming between you, it’s more difficult.

My husband is a phenomenal person and there’s no doubt in my mind that he puts me first above all others.  It’s really hard in this situation because we want to do everything we can to participate in his child’s life.  Be aware that there will be many conflicting opinion’s, and everyone feels they are "only trying to do what’s best for the child".   The child’s mother, his family, her family, the child itself. 

Be as supportive as you can because he’s most likely reeling in shock from this, too.  Women have better intuition and instincts sometimes, so guide him through it, but be as open and honest as you can with him for some support yourself.  Best of luck.

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