Stick to My Guns or Cave?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: Stick to My Guns or Cave?
    Stick to Your Guns! No flower girl is okay! : (41 votes)
    45 %
    Stick to Your Guns! Find a different flower girl - even if you're not close. : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Cave - this is a once in a lifetime event and you don't want drama. : (47 votes)
    52 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3769 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Why do her grades matter? They are really the business of her Mom and Dad. I didn’t check report cards before I chose my ring bearer and flower girl. I mean, I understand her parents withholding a phone or other items for grades, but your not her Mom, and you’re going to withhold a spot in the wedding?

     

     

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    3786 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @distressddamsel:  I’m really not trying to sound rude, so I apologize if I do. I don’t think it’s any of your business what her grades are. She’s your fiance’s sister’s boyfriend’s daughter. If her mother and father decide that her grades aren’t good enough to participate in your wedding, that’s up to them as her parents. As the sister of the almost-step-mother, I don’t think it’s your place at all to punish or reward her for her schoolwork. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    3030 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    Oh, this is a doozy.

     

    As a teacher, I’m all about follow-through. But this girl is not your student, or your child.

     

    I think in this situation I would probaby have a serious talk with this girl and lay into her about how disappointed you are in her, but honestly, I’d probably cave. While you should have never made this ultimatum in the first place, It’s really her parents who should be laying down the law. Why turn your wedding into a bad memory for this girl and make her hate you forever when her parents cn’t get their acts together to provide a united front and get her on the right track?

     

    But it would depend on a lot of factors. I’m curious to see what other people say. 

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    3762 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    Sorry but her grades are none of your business and it’s unfair of you to put this on her. If her parents want to put this restriction on her that’s up to them, but what you’re doing is out of line. Just let her be in it and leave the parenting up to the parents.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6784 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Why are the child’s grades any of your concern?

    Post # 8
    Member
    1962 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @distressddamsel:  agree with the others, you’re kind of overstepping. Let her be the flower girl and let her parents worry about her grades. I definitely think it’s great that you care about her grades, and I would definitely talk to her about it and keep encouraging her, but it is not your place to dole out the discipline.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    6018 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I just don’t see the correlation between her grades and your wedding.  A wedding is supposed to bring a family together, it really has nothing to do with grades.  I think you really had no place to make the ultimatium, you kind of overstepped.  I really don’t think it matters if you cave, you aren’t her parent.  I’d cave, she’s going to be your niece not your child.  I can’t think of a parent even setting this up. 

     

    ETA: I think that finding another flower girl and not having this girl as your flower girl would be a crappy thing to do to a kid.  If you hope to have any kind of future relationship, step outside of your wedding and look at this kids life.  She’s already being shuffled between two houses, and now she’s not good enough to be your flower girl? 

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    10501 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I have less of an issue with you being included with the reward if her parents were on board than PPs, but I don’t think your wedding was the way to do it.

    What are her capabilities?  Sometimes a C is to be celebrated too.  It should be about the effort made, not the result.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1231 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @distressddamsel:  I actually see where you’re coming from with regards to her grades. I mean, you were using the flower girl position as motivation for her to work harder. I get that you’re not parent so that makes things difficult. At the end of the day, the deal was that if she got her grades up, she could be flower girl. That was probably not a good idea at the time but if you let her be the flower girl now, that not teaching her anything. It is a huge lesson of responsibilty. I say stick to your guns on this.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6018 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Was the girl’s dad included in this or just your FSIL/ the 11 year olds dad’s girlfriend? 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1053 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - Cedar Lake Cellars

    I don’t think it’s your call as to whether or not her grades matter.  But, IMO, her parents should hold her to the orginal agreement. 

    I also don’t think you should replace her with just anybody.  You’ll be fine without a flower girl, especially if the replacement wouldn’t mean anything to you.

    Post # 15
    Member
    58 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Is there anything going on in this girls life right now thats causing her to do poorly in school? When I was in 3rd grade my Grandfather had passed away and my dad was in a horrible accident that caused him to lose his foot. My teacher sent my mom a letter letting her know how disappointed she was that my grades where falling and she should be making sure my homework was getting done. My mom’s mind was other places and she couldn’t pay as much attention to if I was doing my work and as a kid I took full advantage of that. Maybe something is going on with her family thats causing her/her mother stress and she’s taking adavatage of it. Anyway, if you’re taking  the oppourtunity for her to be a flowergirl away and something is going on in her life I’m betting she’ll be very upset.

    Post # 16
    Member
    524 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I actually misread this and voted that you should stick to your guns, thinking that your FSIL is the girl’s mother. However, unless the girl’s actual parents are behind your ultimatum, I would cave.

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