Post # 1
Our would-be-flower-girl is 11 years old. She is my FSIL’s boyfriend’s (of 6 years) daughter with a different woman. Her grades are NOT GOOD.
I told her in front of FSIL last year (who was all for it at the time) that if her grades were not a B or better by the end of Feb that she would not be the flower girl. I see her about twice per month and have reminded her of this constantly. FSIL hasn’t really been keeping me updated about this over the last few months, but I know that she is in the C-D range now.
I had a long talk about this with 11yr old a couple weeks ago where she was nearly in tears about it. She blames homework problems on her dad when she is at her mom’s house, and she blames homework problems on her mom when she is at her dad’s house. They are trying to teach her accountability and responsibility, and I emphasised with her that she is the only one who can earn her grades, bad or good, not her mom or her dad.
Well, I get a text last night from FSIL asking if 11yr old is going to be our flower girl. When I asked about her grades, I was told that they were “just about the same as before, but we need to know yes or no so we can figure out if we need to get her a dress”. Ugh.
So the question is:
- Do I cave and let her be the flower girl? I feel like this was an empty threat and it just teaches her that she gets whatever she wants anyway, but it is my wedding, and I don’t want to cause any issues with FSIL in the future.
- Do I tell her NO she can NOT be the flower girl based on her grades and go without a flower girl?
- Do I tell her NO she can NOT be the flower girl and based on her grades and scramble to ask a friend’s daughter to be a flower girl last-minute. I don’t talk to this friend as often as I should, we aren’t super close, but I don’t have any other younger aged girls to ask.
Post # 3
Why do her grades matter? They are really the business of her Mom and Dad. I didn’t check report cards before I chose my ring bearer and flower girl. I mean, I understand her parents withholding a phone or other items for grades, but your not her Mom, and you’re going to withhold a spot in the wedding?
Post # 4
@distressddamsel: I’m really not trying to sound rude, so I apologize if I do. I don’t think it’s any of your business what her grades are. She’s your fiance’s sister’s boyfriend’s daughter. If her mother and father decide that her grades aren’t good enough to participate in your wedding, that’s up to them as her parents. As the sister of the almost-step-mother, I don’t think it’s your place at all to punish or reward her for her schoolwork.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Oh, this is a doozy.
As a teacher, I’m all about follow-through. But this girl is not your student, or your child.
I think in this situation I would probaby have a serious talk with this girl and lay into her about how disappointed you are in her, but honestly, I’d probably cave. While you should have never made this ultimatum in the first place, It’s really her parents who should be laying down the law. Why turn your wedding into a bad memory for this girl and make her hate you forever when her parents cn’t get their acts together to provide a united front and get her on the right track?
But it would depend on a lot of factors. I’m curious to see what other people say.
Post # 6
Sorry but her grades are none of your business and it’s unfair of you to put this on her. If her parents want to put this restriction on her that’s up to them, but what you’re doing is out of line. Just let her be in it and leave the parenting up to the parents.
Post # 7
Why are the child’s grades any of your concern?
Post # 8
@distressddamsel: agree with the others, you’re kind of overstepping. Let her be the flower girl and let her parents worry about her grades. I definitely think it’s great that you care about her grades, and I would definitely talk to her about it and keep encouraging her, but it is not your place to dole out the discipline.
Post # 9
I just don’t see the correlation between her grades and your wedding. A wedding is supposed to bring a family together, it really has nothing to do with grades. I think you really had no place to make the ultimatium, you kind of overstepped. I really don’t think it matters if you cave, you aren’t her parent. I’d cave, she’s going to be your niece not your child. I can’t think of a parent even setting this up.
ETA: I think that finding another flower girl and not having this girl as your flower girl would be a crappy thing to do to a kid. If you hope to have any kind of future relationship, step outside of your wedding and look at this kids life. She’s already being shuffled between two houses, and now she’s not good enough to be your flower girl?
Post # 10
I have less of an issue with you being included with the reward if her parents were on board than PPs, but I don’t think your wedding was the way to do it.
What are her capabilities? Sometimes a C is to be celebrated too. It should be about the effort made, not the result.
Post # 11
@distressddamsel: I actually see where you’re coming from with regards to her grades. I mean, you were using the flower girl position as motivation for her to work harder. I get that you’re not parent so that makes things difficult. At the end of the day, the deal was that if she got her grades up, she could be flower girl. That was probably not a good idea at the time but if you let her be the flower girl now, that not teaching her anything. It is a huge lesson of responsibilty. I say stick to your guns on this.
Post # 12
Thank you so much for your opinions, ladies! I didn’t even think about my business in it at all, thank you for the insight! FSIL did come to me with the idea first anyway as a way to modivate her. I agree that the decision really shouldn’t be left up to me. I am really dissapointed that her grades aren’t better, but I’m not sure how to express this to her now.
Post # 13
Was the girl’s dad included in this or just your FSIL/ the 11 year olds dad’s girlfriend?
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2014 - Cedar Lake Cellars
I don’t think it’s your call as to whether or not her grades matter. But, IMO, her parents should hold her to the orginal agreement.
I also don’t think you should replace her with just anybody. You’ll be fine without a flower girl, especially if the replacement wouldn’t mean anything to you.
Post # 15
Is there anything going on in this girls life right now thats causing her to do poorly in school? When I was in 3rd grade my Grandfather had passed away and my dad was in a horrible accident that caused him to lose his foot. My teacher sent my mom a letter letting her know how disappointed she was that my grades where falling and she should be making sure my homework was getting done. My mom’s mind was other places and she couldn’t pay as much attention to if I was doing my work and as a kid I took full advantage of that. Maybe something is going on with her family thats causing her/her mother stress and she’s taking adavatage of it. Anyway, if you’re taking the oppourtunity for her to be a flowergirl away and something is going on in her life I’m betting she’ll be very upset.
Post # 16
I actually misread this and voted that you should stick to your guns, thinking that your FSIL is the girl’s mother. However, unless the girl’s actual parents are behind your ultimatum, I would cave.