Post # 1
So, I am a bridesmaid for my college friend. She has three other BMs – two cousins, and one high school friend. I didn’t really know any of them until we became BMs. The bride wanted to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party. Originally we were all supposed to go, along with a few other friends. Then the two cousins dropped out, because they said they could not get anyone to babysit for their kids. The bride was disappointed her cousins could not go, and felt they should have made arrangements with the fathers of their kids. The other BM friend and I chugged along without them and planned the Vegas 3-day weekend trip, and paid for everything the bride wanted to do. It was a ton of fun and we were glad to do it. The other attendees helped us cover all the expenses for the bride (airfare, hotel rooms, show, club, food, drinks, etc), plus of course we paid for our own individual expenses. All in all, the friend BM and I paid close to $600 each. We did not ask the two cousin BM to contribute, since they did not go. This all went down in April.
Fast forward, and now the bridal shower is coming up. It will be held at a family member’s house, and the mother is covering the food. Cousin BM #1 emailed the other bridesmaids and I to let us know that it would cost each of us $50 to buy supplies for the party. The other BM friend and I, who paid for Vegas without the help of the other two, think it is a little ridiculous to ask us to help pay for the shower, since we paid so much for the bach party, without asking them to help. When we emailed them about it, one cousin responded back saying we should have expected to “pay for all the bridal events when we agreed to be bridesmaids”, and – get this – “even if we couldn’t attend.” Doesn’t it sound a little hypocritical to say that the other friend BM and I should expect to chip in for the shower, when they didn’t for the bach party…especially since the bach party was SO MUCH more expensive? In the end, it is all for my friend the bride, so I will do what I need to do, but it just irks me that these petty money issues come up. I will see these girls we are disagreeing with soon, and I just hope it isn’t awkward.
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
No, you should not be expected to pay for the bridal shower, ESPECIALLY if you will not be attending. It’s never a requirement. It’s often seen as the kind thing to do, but it’s not a requirement. You were under no compunction to pay $600 for the bachelorette party, either; that was more than generous enough. That’s certainly not petty money (nor is $50, for a lot of people.) You’re within your rights to say “[Cousin], my budget is tapped out. I’m sorry that I will not be able to contribute to the bridal shower [or attend, whatever the case may be]. Looking forward to catching up with you at the rehearsal dinner!” I would not, however, point out that they did not attend or pay for the bachelorette party, or mention that you or the bride were disappointed in their non-attendance. That’s irrelevant to this particular point.
Post # 3
I’d be tempted to send them a bill for the bachelorette party, then.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
It was a bitchy thing for her to say, especially in light of what happened with the bachelorette party. That said, I still think you should help with the costs of the shower if you are attending.
Post # 5
Agree with PP. You’ve done more than enough covering for the bach trip. My question is, if the mom is covering the food for this party and it’s being held at someone’s house (no rental fee) then what “supplies” are necessary to warrant an additional $50 from everyone?
Post # 6
@emstar168 The $50 is for the decorations and the game prizes I think.
Post # 7
I would respond back to said cousin saying that they owe you $50 bucks for the bachelorette party to cover cost *even though they couldn’t attend*. And then hand it back to her for the bridal shower or tell her nevermind, she can just apply what she owes you for the bachelorette to the shower.
Post # 8
ha whaattt???? Just respond to the email and kindly say that you understand. Then tell her to take your $50 portion out of the $300 she owes you for the bachlorette party….and to take the $50 the other bridesmaid owes out of the $300 the other cousin owes. lol. for real though. thats absurd.
Post # 9
rachel85: HA, I would reply with something like this:
“oh sorry, actually I thought we werent doing things that way unless we could attend since that is how it was handled for the bachelorette party. Since other BM “x” and I were the only ones who chipped in for the bill at 600 each I didnt think that was the case…… but if we are going to be splitting everything between all BM thats great, I guess while on the subject the brides bill for vegas was 600 each, so you can just take the 50 bucks off the $300 tab you guys technically owe each of us and you can send me a chq for 250 and other cousin BM who didnt attend can send 250 to BM “x” 🙂 I just figure since we’re all trying to be “fair” here…. if you guys need the money I’ll be more then glad to help, but Im just trying to make sure we’re all on the same page with our BM duties….after all… this is for (bride) and I want her to have an amazing shower so Im in for whatever you need. Have a great day.
seriously lol!!!! DO=IT …..then if anything remotely gets back to the bride her cousins will look like the assholes (they are)….and honestly its the truth. I’d be shocked if they came back and still asked…. they may say something snarky about it but who the hell cares
Post # 10
shanbp: That is pretty much the response the friend send back to them a little while ago! They backed down and said they would cover the shower costs. Problem solved.
Post # 11
TuxedoCat: Write them back and tell them you are happy they feel so strongly about all the BM’s paying their share of BM expenses. Add what you spent for the bachellorette party to what they are asking you to pay for the shower. Deduct what you and other BM paid for Vegas bachelorette and let them know how much they need to reimburse you.
Your Bride friend was kind of a jerk to ask you to fund a Vegas weekend for her. It’s not up to the bride to dictate what she wants for a bachelorette and stick her friends with the bill.
Post # 12
TuxedoCat: NICE!! haha, im sorry but they shot themselves in the foot the minute they said “you should have expected to pay for all events even if you cant attend…..”
Post # 13
When there is conflict over the phone or in person discussion is best!
Post # 14
TuxedoCat: I had the same situation. I was a BM expected to pay for an expensive dress without asking me or anyone else my budget, and paying for a bachelorette I didn’t go to and that I was not included in planning for.
The only responsibilities you have are for your dress, hair, makeup and shoes, and to show up for the rehearsal and ceremony.
I think wedding culture can be really vicious. You’re not unjustified in your feelings. I can’t tell you what to do, but just know this is a common problem with weddings..