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So what do you think?
Did any of you doing a destination wedding have this kind of issue w/bridesmaids and am I correct in thinking that the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses (I always did) and that I'm being cool with getting them jewelry, purses, and shawl?
Is there anything different that the bride does for the bridesmaids at a destination wedding?
???
I think you are right on track. My sister had a destination wedding, and she did what you are doing, bought shoes, purses, etc. But me, along with the other BMs all paid our own travel and bought our own dresses!
Thanks Miss G!
I just want to get some verification of that.
I know it is alot to expect, but my b'maids who are single, could even double up in a room too (unless they bring a bf or something) and that would save $$. It is just a different situation with this friend of mine. I have some close girlfriends who are single and work full time and can afford it, and wouldn't complain one instant. This one, has it easy compared to the others.
Now should I offer to help out a little (say pay 1 night) for the ones who are on more limited budgets if they double up?
I'll be a BM for my friend next fall and she's doing something similar for her DW. I'm buying an LBD and my FI and I will pay for travel and lodging for us. My own wedding, although not a DW, will mean she has to travel by plane since she's moved so far away. Since she's paying to fly home, I'm helping her out with lodging expenses by paying for a "girls' room" the night before the wedding, and she's rooming with a couple of girlfriends the next night. I've offered to cover 50% of the BM dresses and they can wear whatever accessories they want.
I don't think there is a single expense of the BM's that the bride is "required" to cover, except accessories/hair styling, but that's only if you require them to wear matching shoes, etc., and have their hair styled a particular way. They are responsible for travel costs and BM dresses, along with whatever else they want to wear that day if you don't require something specific.
i know this isn't an answer to your original question but i read the blog post and i feel like if you are already have doubts about making this friend a bm, then i would highly suggest that you not ask her. there are so many horror stories about good friends that make horrible bms - for whatever reason, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. plus, wedding planning is stressful enough without a bridesmaid making you feel cheap and crappy when you won't cater to her every whim and demand.
i also think it's presumptuous to assume that the bride should pay for all the guests' lodging. i'm curious to know how many destination weddings she's been to where she was offered free lodging! while it's very generous to offer, it's definitely not expected or required. why else are invitations and wedding websites filled with information about hotel blocks and discounted rates?
if i remember right, Emily Post says that BM's pay for their own dresses, but that the couple pays for the wedding party's accommodations. i don't know if she has different rules for destination weddings.
and although she's a little old-fashioned, i find that Emily Post is a great place to turn when you need The Final Word for a wedding-related argument.
for our DW, the girls are buying their own dress (tbd style etc. but they will all be different and they get to choose). I am buying them jewelry and some other fun stuff.
I am paying for the rooms the night before but we are staying at a marina and their husbands (only 2 are married) are still staying at the resort.
You are not required to pay for their air travel and agree emilee that you should think long and hard before asking this girl to be a bridesmaid if she is already assuming this.
I was in my BFFs DW earlier this year. While we traveled in the US, we covered all traveling costs, hotels rooms, etc. The bride OFFERED to pay for our dresses (and did!). I don't think any of the other BMs expected her to do this, I know I didn't! But it was certainly very nice of her since we were paying for everything else.
My opinion - pay for what you think is right. If your wedding was at home and your BM lived out of town she'd still have to pay for her dress, hotel, traveling expenses. I don't think there is anything wrong with having them paying for everything themselves. If they want to stand up for you at your wedding they shouldn't have a problem with the cost. I agree with the other posters, if this girl is being difficult about this, she'll probably be difficult about other stuff too. Even when it sounds like you're being very resonable... a little black dress can be inexpensive if you're a bargain shopper and may even be one you already have!
Good luck!! 
Now we might could swing the night before..but I am gonna buy them purses, shawl (pashmina), and jewelry. I'll decid which fabric the LBD will be made out of (I kinda like silk charmeuse as of today) and they can get whatever they want in solid black and of same fabric. Some may already have a dress in that fabric. I am not sure.
I really appreciate the feedback. And this friend of mine (a grown woman and mom of 2) is rather high maintenance. She sometimes is a pain, but I do love her alot as a friend. I just find it unbelievable that a woman who doesn't have to work (her H makes a good bit of $$$) could complain about cost when she travels so much already (and spends a ton on it). Now she expects me to pay for travel AND her LBD?
Not gonna happen. I think I've made up my mind. I'll pay for the accessories above and possibly ONE night of accomodation only. But not for her kids (who she is bringing most definitely). If they all can fit in 1 room, so be it. If not, she pays.
Again, I am a single mom and while I do well financially and my guy does really really well financially, we're not the Trump family by any means so paying for everybody's lodging is out of the question. We are gonna spot for my grandparents, mom, his parents (his grandparents are deceased) and our siblings rooms . That's alot already. Plus possibly the bridesmaids for one night only.
I guess I will have to wait and see over time how she reacts/acts because the last thing I need is undue stress.
I'm sort of splitting the baby--MOST of my bridesmaids are paying their own rooms, the ones coming form Japan and Italy-I am paying for but I am asking them to double up and they agreed. In the US I think we all expect to pay for our own rooms, if you want to pay and you can..just do it.
That being said, I have always had to pay for my own!
Thx. I don't have anybody who'd be too far away if it is in GA (ga coast or mountains) thus I don't think they'd have much of a problem.
I too have always paid for my own bridesmaid dress. (I'm 39 and can say that I have a closet area where my old dresses went to. Like the scene from the movie with Katherine Heigl...sixteen dresses or something like that?) and always paid my own way and chipped in for bachelorette party and for bridal shower and bought my own shoes, purse, etc.
She's a sweet person (the woman I'm speaking about) but she is very high maintenance. I just find it wierd she is even concerned about buying a dress (I'm letting them pick it out once we decide on fabric wherever they want to get it and if they already have a LBD of same fabric they can wear it!) and paying for 2 nights of accomodations...???
I did not have a destination wedding, however one of my bm's lived out of state and had to fly and all of my bm's had to stay in a hotel the night before the wedding. I paid for my bm's jewelry, purses, and gave them each a goody-bag with wedding day necessities. I also took them to the spa two days before and I paid for their massages. My bm's paid for their own dresses and shoes, travel expenses, hair, make-up, and we all split the cost of a large 2 bedroom suite at the W.
Not one of my bridesmaids questioned me on this -- in fact the bm traveling from the east coast was almost offended when I asked her if she needed me to help with her travel expenses. None of my bm's are wealthy, we all make under $60K a year. My moh didn't want to pay for her hair and make-up so she simply did it herself (which I guess would have been an issue if I wanted them all to get it done). I did have other issues with my moh, I won't get into them here, but it never had anything to do with money.
Based on my experience, when a bm is giving you a difficult time it is either because they a) really don't have the money b) really don't want to be in the wedding or c) are a little jealous and are reacting badly
I am paying for lodging for my bridesmaid and her fiance as well as our groomsman. I am also paying for both of her bridesmaid dresses (ceremony and AHR) as well as many accessories. I purchased a suit and accessories for the groomsman. We are also paying for a couple of outings including vineyard tours, city tours, lunches, and a couple of other gifts along the way. Maybe this isn't the way it is "traditionally" done, but having been a bridesmaid I know how costly it can be and I would never want the cost to be a concern for someone supporting me at my destination wedding. I wish I could have afforded to cover flights for all invited...but I'll save that for our 25th destination anniversary party!
for my friend's DW, we (the BMs) paid our own hotel/flight expenses and for our BM dresses. she gave us at least 8 months notice so that we could all save up and budget for it. there were a couple of girls that needed a little extra financial help which she graciously offered to help with so long as the BMs paid her back after the wedding when they could. it was definitely a touchy subject when we all discussed who paid for what. but i personally think that if you talk to her and make her understand all the other costs you and your future hubby have to incur, she'll be more understanding of why she needs to pay for her own hotel/flight stuff!
oh... and FYI... last year i gave 100% CASHMERE pashminas as gifts to my girlfriends and aunts and they loved them! i got EACH for under $30 on amazon! they have them in tons of different colors!
Eeek, it sounds like this friend may end up causing problems if you ask her to be a BM. I don't think that you have to pay for her dress or her travel/hotel, regardless of whether it is a destination wedding. It is always nice to pay for extras, which you are already doing.
It sounds like this friend was trying to throw out her expectations so that you knew what she was thinking & expecting. Maybe you could ask her to do a reading or something similar in the wedding. She might cause fewer problems or demand less than if she was a bridesmaid. Good luck!
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Hmmm...I think that what you plan to pay for sounds reasonable, but I also think that you can't dictate what your friend is willing to pay to be a BM. Even if you feel she can afford these expenses, I think you need to respect her own financial decisions. Perhaps she's already signalling to you that without having those expenses covered she can't do it. Or perhaps she's jsut letting you know what she'd prefer. I guess my thought is that if you ask her, be prepared for her to say that while it's an honor she can't afford to be a BM (hopefully she'd at least be this tactful). Then it'll be up to you to decide whether you want to (or can) afford to help her out. I think it's perfectly reasonable to do this on an individual basis, so even if you decide to help her out I don't think you're required to do the same for everyone else.
I thought it was inappropriate for her to assume or ask for you to pay. But to be honest, I think worcester bride is right. I read someplace that the bride/groom is responsible for the party's accomodations. I never readthat until after my wedding. So I rembemr felling mortified that I hadn't paid for my girl's hotel room. I don't know how it works with detination weddings. But I would think it would be the same.
Not everyone listens to the traditional etiquette these days. I think the most important thing is for the bridal party to know where they stand with expenses right from the start.
As for asking her to be a BM, did she just misunderstand? Or is she insisting you apy? It sounds like you'd want her to be a BM, if only she wasn't a stressor. I would be inclined to leave it as just the two you have already. However, you're the only one who knows how much she means to you., and reaaly seeing in that role for your wedding. You know her situation better then us obviously, but maybe something else is going on with her money situation. Sometimes staying at home means sacrificing some monetary things. (Not just a status to say, we have so much money I don't have to work.) Maybe they look like they have a lot because they are really in debt. I don't know..... But misunderstandings wreck relationships.
Hi Belle!
I've always heard that the wedding party pays for their own lodging for a DW, and most of the planning books that I read when my FH and I were considering it said the same thing.
If you want to tactfully let your maid know this, it might help to send an email out to the entire wedding party once you've found some hotels in the destination area or secured a hotel block. You could include the details about the room prices for different hotels (maybe including the one you'll be using), and suggest that they book their rooms as early as possible if they want to be in X hotel together. That should let her know that it's not your job to pay for her hotel without having to single her out and possibly make both of you feel uncomfortable.
If she still doesn't get it, then you could sit down with her and let her know that you understand that accomodations can be expensive, but that you and your FH are not in a position to pay for your party's rooms, as much as you wish you could.
I hope that helps! Good luck!
Belle, it's been a few months and I know you've been posting about your upcoming Engagimoon, so are you still thinking of having this person in your bridal party for your wedding or have your plans changed at all?
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Beekeeper
I've done my homework about destination weddings (what I wish to have) and have come to the decision that most experts agree that the guests purchase their own rooms and travel expenses with the bride/groom picking up a welcome dinner/rehersal dinner, some outings, and a farewell brunch right?
Well one of my good friends (and potential bridesmaid..haven't asked anybody but my sister and bff so far) was talking about my destination wedding plans and she's under the assumption that WE (meaning me and my guy) are the ones to pay for not only the hotel rooms, but her dress as a b'maid also. Wt...f?
I have the whole story on my blog. (3rd one down)
She's not without money. In fact, she's a stay at home mom with her hubby making 6 figures. But never have I assumed (and been a b'maid many times during my life) that I'd get my dress paid for muchless travel expenses!
What do you consider customary for bridesmaids and destination wedding guests to pay for? I just want to hear some feedback on this to put this to bed once and for all.
I am going to be very leniant with bridesmaid dresses btw. The LBD (lil' black dress) but I'll pick out what kind of fabric because I want that to pretty much match, and black heels. I'm giving them matching purses and jewelry and if my budget can afford it, I've found some very reasonably priced pashmina shawls. So I'm not some bridezilla wanna be who's gonna break their bank. I'm wanting them to have something they definitely love, and will wear again.