Post # 1
Do I owe it to anyone to let them be a bridesmaid?
Background: Right after we got engaged one friend (not in the party) said, “Would you mind if we (meaning her and her husband) throw you an engagement party?” Of course not. We love that you guys want to be involved. We didn’t do much wedding planning initially and thought long and hard for a while before settling on our bridal party. We have a huge group of friends, but in the end, I opted for my sister, best friend from college (they both live far away) and two other close friends (from my friend group that spends almost every weekend together) It sucks only choosing two out of that huge friend group, but we just couldn’t have everyone. My friend who offered the engagement party has a daughter who I also asked to be a junior bridesmaid (she’s a little too old to be a flowergirl, but is kinda acting in the same capacity). In my mind, that was our way of keeping their family as involved as possible without making the sides uneven and creating a huge wedding party.
Long story even longer, that friend seems to be really upset that she’s not in the party. She keeps saying, “I just don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand.” I’ve compeltely explained everything as rationally as possible. And she’s one of my most mature and rational friends. Definitely the last I EVER thought would get upset over something like this. She says that since she was so integral in the engagement (she was supposed to go pick up the ring..that never happend but that’s neither here nor there) she definitely thought she would be a bridesmaid. I told her I want her to still be involved and we’re excited to have them at the rehearsal dinner and what not.She said, “I don’t think I’ll do that. I don’t do things half way.” Ouch.
I’m just letting it go for now. There’s nothing else I can say. I’m not crazy right? Her emails and our conversations make me feel like I ‘owe it to her’ to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I don’t plan on changing my mind. My party is set, I’m just wondering if I owe her an apology or made some major ettiquette faux pas.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t say that you “owe” it to her, but if you weren’t planning on asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, it was probably not the best idea to allow her and her husband to host your engagement party. That seems like something either family, or a member of the wedding party would do. She is probably trying to figure out why she is close enough for one thing, and not the other. I am not sure what you can do to “fix” the situation, especially if the engagement party has already happened.
Post # 4
You certainly don’t “owe” anything to her–she offered to host the engagement party, and she should have done that from the goodness of her heart.
However…I would be scratching my head if I were your friend, too. I would find it strange that you asked my daughter to be in the wedding but not me. Still, I stand by my position that it’s your decision to make and no one else’s.
By The Way, this is why I ultimately didn’t have BMs. Unless there are *really* clear friendship lines, it’s way too easy to hurt people’s feelings inadvertently. Anyway, good luck–if you explain it to her as you did to us, she should understand.
Post # 5
She hasn’t hosted the engagement party. She offered it right after we got engaged and it hasn’t happened (I don’t expect it to happen now).
Post # 6
I think I would be a little upset, especially if I did your Engagement Party. It does seem like accepting that you would be thinking of her as a wedding party. Just a little bummed and pouty in my head for an hour… lol
That being said I would say that accepting does not mean there should be strings attached. It would make me as the bride feel like they did the party not out of the goodness of their heart, but because she wanted the praise and a title for doing so. Also being a rational adult you should see that just cuz someone doesnt ask you to have a title at their wedding doesnt mean they care about you any less than those who are in it. I am accepting a bridal shower from a non-family, non wedding party group of friends, and they would never guilt me into adding them. (although I am sending them a nice gift.)
Post # 7
@Miss Biner: regardless of whether or not she did or didn’t host the party, you don’t HAVE to let anyone be in the wedding. You could offer her some other task, but it isn’t owed to her. She should be honored you asked her daughter, in my opinon.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, especially since she’s a friend.
Post # 8
Ok, I was in a similar situation. I have different group of friends and this group of girls, I just started hanging out and being close to them that past year. When I told them I was engaged they were super excited and wanted to throw me an engagement party. I was flattered and honoured so I said sure. However, I didnt’ asked them to be in my bridal party bc at that time were still debating if we are doing a Destination Wedding or having a small one.
But when I did decide on it, one of the girl was pissed and the other two were understanding. I felt super bad but I had these super close friends that I’ve known for 10 years or more that I had planned on being my BMs if I was to get married and I wanted to ask them.
I felt super bad about the whole situation but I dont thnk ppl should presume they are going to be Bridesmaid or Best Man. Fortunately it all worked out. It’s a sticky situation nonetheless.
Post # 9
You don’t owe it to anyone to ask them to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. It was nice of her to offer to throw an engagement party… but that’s where it ends. Hopefully you got her a nice gift as a thank you. It seems like she was dong all of those things to ensure that she would be in your party. It doesn’t make sense that she wouldn’t want to go to the rehearsal dinner and be there to help you get dressed just because she’s not in the party. That’s an even bigger reason to keep her out of it. If it’s just the title she wants, then it’s not genuine and not worth it.
I think you should just explain to her that you want your bridal party to be smaller. The cost of adding extra people can be ridiculous. And you don’t want the headache of coordinating with so many people… you just want to relax on your big day. If she wants to help out in anyway, you will be grateful, but I don’t think you should change your decision. Let her be mad 🙂