Post # 1
FMIL and FFIL split up when FI was very young. FMIL is contributing to the wedding, FFIL is not. The issue is that my FI is not close with his mom’s side and is very close with his dad’s side. His dad’s side consists of 41 people and his mom’s only 17.. She wants to invite her co-workers and extended family but we really dont have the room.
My parents are paying for 90% of the wedding and they feel that they should be able to invite their life long friends and cousins, over FMIL co-worker and extended family. My parents have 62 guests. Fi and I have 20 mutual friend guests.
Im in throws over it. While I understand that she has contributed to the wedding and she should have some say over the guest list, I dont feel that we should not invite FI’s very close knit family (who can not afford to contribute)- only to include her coworkers and extended family. I also don’t feel that her guests should come before my parents life long friends. While 17 guests is surely small, she only had 5 people from her family attend her own wedding (last year). She also has very few friends (who are all invited). She tends to be someone with few meaningful relationships but over invites aquaintances to big events (to beef up guests counts).
How can I phrase a response that won’t rock the boat?
Her email: “Sillyfruit….. my coworkers (lists their all 6 of their names and their guest’s names) did not recieve their save the date cards. Here are their adresses %$@^^%$”
Post # 3
@SillyFruit: Do you and/or FI happen to know all of your parent’s lifelong friends and FI’s family members you’re wanting to invite? If so, I would have FI talk to her and let her know you’re wanting to keep it more intimate and only invite people that the two of you know. That’s what we did to avoid any issues. We actually had a rule that if BOTH of us didn’t know the people, they weren’t invited.
Post # 4
Work out the total number of guests that you can invite and then divide the guests list into 3 (you&FI, Brides parents, grooms parents). Then divide the grooms parents guest number by 2 and let FFIL & FMIL know that is the amount of guests they can bring. You could give your parents 10% off the top to begin with since they are conributing the most if you want to keep the peace (so 100 guest- 10% to brides parents = 10 guests. Then 90 guests divided by 3 = 30 guests per party. So your parents would get 40 guests.)
Just let everyone know that it was the fairest way to work it out. You could also use your guest allocation to include family that didn’t make the list on your parents guests list.
Post # 5
Your friends – 20
Your family – 62 guests
Fi’s Dad’s family (not paying) – 41 guests
FI’s Mom’s family (paying) – 17 guests.
“My parents are paying for 90% of the wedding and they feel that they should be able to invite their life long friends and cousins, over FMIL co-worker and extended family”
Aren’t cousins extended family? FMIL may not be paying for much, but she is paying, and she’s paying more than her ex-husband who has double the guests she does. If you don’t invite her co-workers, at least invite her extended family. I don’t think it’s fair to judge how close her relationships are. She may have reasons for wanting them there beyond “beefing up” the guest list. I mean, are your parents super close with all 62 people they’re inviting?
Post # 6
@Brideonabudgetlauren: FI knows almost all the people on my parents maybe list. I have knowns them well for years, FI knows many of them fairly well (go out to dinner with them and small social gatherings). We know 3 people on her list because 1 co worker used to work at her home office (we just knew her in passing) and 2 we met 1x- we have been together 8 years. He doesnt know these “extended” family members.
Post # 7
Would it be easier to just say only family to both of your sets of parents? That way you don’t have to pick and choose which friends or extended family gets in and which don’t- its more of a blanket decision. That way, you don’t look like the bad guy saying “We like you more” or “That side is paying more” when guest list questions come up. Its hard that once someone has a penny (or thousands of dollars) in the pot, they have a lot of say. Hopefully you can strike a balance!
Post # 8
@Syzygy88: What i consider extended is beyond a 1st cousin. So when I say FMIL’s extended family I mean her 2nd. 3rd and 4th cousins. My parents cousins I mean their 1st cousins.
I know FFIL has many guests if it were up to him none would come- he would not care. Its just that all 41 of his guests are FI’s aunts uncles grandparents, people who can not be not invited. These are people taht have supported FI when both of his parents were not there for him. His parents were very young when they had him.
I am not judging her relationships. She would define all her relationships as not close. Her family is usually not there for her. BUT at the same time these co-workers are people she has known for 2-3 years and she does not see them outside of work.
Post # 9
@SillyFruit: Maybe you should invite the co-workers (since FMIL seems closer to them than family) and her family up to first cousins.
Post # 10
@MissPoutine: I would love to say only family lol! If only it was that easy. Its very hard to tell my parents they can’t invite a handful of friends to save FMIL feelings. When they are not only paying for most of the wedding, but they are also very close with FI and I. Where we are not very close with FMIL or FFIL. FI has rocky relationships with both.
Post # 11
@Syzygy88: I would be more than Ok with 2-4 co workers + their geusts. But she listed 10 + their SO’s and says that she can not pick and choose amoungst them. That htey come as a group. So 18 people…. come as a group, take it or leave it. Which is why my parents say LEAVE IT so strongly. It truly is to beef up the guest count. She has said she wants to invite more people because she doesnt like the idea of being at our wedding, with FFIL, with so few guests in tow. Which I get. I totally understand, sympatheize. 17 guests is measley BUT to invite people for the sake of inviting people… over inviting people my parents grew up with.. its just hard.
Post # 12
@SillyFruit: 17 guests is small vs 41 or 66. If you splt guest counts by actual parent.
Your mom: 33
Your dad: 33
His mom: 17
His dad: 41
His dad has the most guest!