Post # 1
OK..this could be a long one. Basically my fiance asked my brother to be one of his groomsmen. My fiance has been friends with my brother for nearly 10 years now and would not be the biggest fan of him because of the way he treats me and my family. My brother has ADHD and is now 24 years old but when growing up I was a victim of his abuse on a weekly basis. He would phyisically beat me and my sisters up and my parents could only handle him so much. Please do not judge my parents as there is more to the story that does not apply to this situation.
So basically he hasn’t hit any of us in a few years until last week where he beat my 2 younger sisters, aged 18 and 21. My fiance and I are absolutely disgusted and it has awoken a beast in me because of past memories. My fiance has lost all respect in him and we barely want to speak to him right now, it has made my fiance have second thoughts of having him there standing beside him at the alter because he has no respect for him and is now considering asking one of his brothers. He did not ask his brothers because they are married with 3 kids, quite a bit older than him and did not want to put them under pressure.
The sticky situation starts here..I told my mother about this and said he was thinking of it and originally she thought it was right of my fiance and was actually proud of him for being so honest then this morning as soon as I wake up she calls and says that if he does do this, my father would be annoyed, all my sisters would be annoyed and my brother won’t come to the wedding..the wedding is a destination wedding and I haven’t seen some of my family in nearly 4 years so this hurts me alot..why guilt trip my fiance into having someone there that he does not. She made it clear that if my brother does be upset, my sisters will take his side – I understand that, he is our brother after all but I do not understand why they would be upset, my fiance has valid reasons for changing his mind.
I myself am losing my mind over it right now because I don’t want to cause an argument, but I don’t want my fiance to have him there if he doesn’t want to plus I fully agree with his decision..it just feels like once again we are trying to avoid an argument to favor someone who has no remorse for his actions.
So I just need some opinions on what my fiance should do and how should I handle the situation?
Post # 3
A 24 year old man has no excuse for physically assalting anyone, let alone his 2 younger sisters. Having ADHD does not excuse this – most people with ADHD do not do this.
IWithout knowing all the details, my gut feeling is that you do not want this man in your wedding – and if he shows no remorse then you may not want him to even show up. How do you know he won’t be violent at the wedding.
Also why are your father and sisters enabling his behaviour?
Post # 4
He BEAT your sisters?! This man needs to be taken to task for what he’s done. That is not okay, and someone should have had him charged and arrested a LONG time ago. I wouldn’t want anyone like that near my wedding or my family.
Post # 5
@Excitedoctbride2013: I agree with posters… ADHD does not = beating someone. Trust me on this one. If that is his “excuse” and you all go along with it that is just allowing him to continue. Especially at age 24. Realistically, it is your groom’s decision who is standing at his side. If your groom says no, and your brother chooses not to attend, that is his problem.
Post # 6
@aliciaspinnet: I do want him there..he is my brother. I do love him but totally agree with you about enabling his behavior. That is why I feel we should let my fiance make the decision and let my brother deal with the consequences but my mother has made us feel so guilty about it all even after everything he has done.
He does have issues that he needs to address but at the end of the day he is family
Post # 7
ADHD is no excuse for beating anyone – especially not when the person in question is 24 years old. He needs serious help. It’s your FI’s choice who to include in his bridal party, I’d be supportive of whatever decision he makes.
Post # 8
Family or not, he should have been charged, one day he could take it too far and someone could end up seriously or permenantly injured. 🙁
Post # 9
Haha umm… who cares if your brother goes to your wedding??? He BEATS up your sisters and has beaten you as well! That is not love.
Your family needs open their eyes and get a grasp to what is going on. They certainly shouldn’t blame you for not wanting him in your wedding. I say let your Fiance make his decision and if your brother chooses not to attend then so be it. If your family gives you guys a hard time about it then I would honestly just tell them to get over it. Being related does not excuse bad behavior and it certainly doesn’t excuse abuse.
I understand avoiding confrontation and arguments sometimes, but other times it is warranted to confront someone. I would not lay down on this issue just to keep the peace. If anything I would be throwing a fit on the behalf of your sisters!!
Post # 10
@Excitedoctbride2013: I understand, its tough when its family. But I think your brother needs to take responsibility for his actions.
I wold make sure that you and your fiancee show a united front. If its presented as only him making the decision then its possible that your family could end up turning against him. I would definately make it clear to your family that while you would love to have your brother there, he needs to change his behaviour – put the onus on him to change and make amends.
Would your brother benefit from counselling? Is there more backstory that we don’t know about, something that could be making him lash out. Maybe this can be used as an opportunity to pursuade him to get help.
Post # 11
I agree with you all..If I was at home and it was me who he hit again I would have charged him but it is my sister’s choice not to and it’s difficult because even I don’t know the full story of what happened there. Right now I do not want to speak to him but will in time and tell him exactly how he makes me feel.
But right now my only worry is upsetting the rest of my family and my fiance..I feel so stuck in the middle! 🙁
Post # 12
Ugh, this is even an issue? Of course he should not be in your wedding. He’s a criminal by the sound of it. Continuing to enable, heck, encourage his behavior is ridiculous.
Post # 13
@Excitedoctbride2013: I can understand that it is a difficult situation, but being family or having ADHD is no excuse to physically abuse anyone. There is no excuse for you to constantly forgive him and essentially look the other way while your other siblings are being abused.
Putting that aside for a minute and looking at the bigger picture, it is you and your FIs decision who is in your bridal party. No one else should really have a say in that. I can understand your dad’s disappointment, and if your brother chooses not to be there, than that is his decision.
It seems that once again your brother is manipulating you and your family and making this about him. Your wedding is your day with your Fiance. It really isn’t about your brother. So try to keep that in mind when deciding what you want to do.
I am sorry for all that you are going through, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.
Post # 14
@aliciaspinnet: Thanks Alicia. This was the first bit of helpful advise. I am thankful people are replying but I don’t need to be told how bad he is and what we should be doing – I know what is right and wrong and right now it makes me sick he gets away with it but if I bring it up the rest of them tell me to stop so instead of upsetting them I leave it.
I am sort of proud of my fiance for taking a stand against him in a way because no one else does except for me but I don’t want my family being annoyed with us for causing another argument because we all know how my brother will react..he is a drama queen at it’s fullest and he is brilliant at making everyone feel sorry for him so it will look like my fiance is the bad guy.
Post # 15
@Excitedoctbride2013: I don’t know if it would work in your situation, but could you make his being a groomsman conditional on him getting some therapy or anger management training? That way its his fault if he refuses, and if he agrees then hopefully itll help everyone.
Post # 16
What Fluffmallow said. This is ridiculous. NO one should have to tolerate physical abuse, much less from their brother. i would absolutely not have him in my wedding, and I would calmly explain this to my mom – if she doesn’t understand then that is her decision. It is YOUR and your fiance’s day, not a day you want family drama to ruin the memory of.