Post # 1
I got engaged in March, picked a date in June for a wedding on 12/31. My family knew the date in June, and I told my sisters that children would not be invited at that time. I mailed invitations in Oct, and my sister calls me to tell me she is not coming because she can’t find a babysitter. When I offered to introduce her to a friend’s daughter she told me that her children dont stay with anyone under 25 (they are 6 and 4). So I told her that I was sorry she was going to miss it. And I moved on. Everyone was expecting me to call her at the last minute and change my mind about the kids. I didnt. I had a fabulous wedding and honestly didnt think about her not being there. Now every chance my mom has, she tells me I am very insensitive/rude etc. After all, sister’s children wont even stay with my mom and I should have understood that. I should have made it easier for her to find a babysitter by not having my wedding on NYE. Then I lost it. LET ME REMIND EVERYONE. IT WAS MY WEDDING DAY AND YES IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME. SO SORRY.
My other sister tells me that most of this was because the sister didnt have a date (her boyfriend wanted nothing to do with a NYE wedding and in 2 years we’ve not met him).
I am still stunned. It’s not like we’re young. I’m in my 40s, so obviously there’s years of pathology in this family. Oh yea…and this was the sister who kicked me out of her wedding party. (YUP, YOU GOT IT – KICKED ME OUT OF THE WEDDING PARTY) and I still went to the wedding.
At this point I am not giving in, not changing my mind. My sister can kiss my you know what. Sorry if she’s jealous because I have a second chance at love and found someone who loves me. Sorry if I was able to buy a fabulous house 5 years after being devistated financially by a divorce where my ex took everything. Sorry if I sacrificed my 20s for a profession and now I have a career. Sorry that I vacation in the islands and travel to Europe for work. Sorry that I am sick and tired of you only having a relationship with me when I am suffering or struggling and you have the upper hand. I am done.
Post # 3
I personally would have made an exception for her two kids since she is your sister and all that. I really didnt follow the end of your post about her being jealous, I’m not sure how that ties in with her wanting to bring her kids to your wedding,
Post # 4
AngieN Bravo!! Well said! I can’t believe some people. You did the right thing by sticking to your guns and standing up for what you really want. I can’t believe your mother would say YOU’RE selfish for not letting your sister bring her kids to YOUR wedding…why should she get anything special if no one else is?? You’re your wedding damnit! It should be all about you! It’s obvious that she only cares about herself and she seems to be one of those people that thinks the world should turn over because she has children. Please. People are parents everyday and don’t expect everyone to bow down to them.
Sorry you had to deal with that nightmare. But I’m so glad you have found love and have such an amazing life! You deserve it!!
Post # 5
I don’t blame you one bit! My sister and I do not get along – AT ALL – and the only reason she’s coming to the wedding is because my mom made me include her in the wedding party. Her husband (my BIL), will not be coming because he can’t get enough time off from work because he’ll be using up his vacation time going on their *3rd* “honeymoon” 2 weeks before my wedding (the were married over 2 years ago, but somehow keep calling every vacation their “honeymoon” – ummmm, no, it’s just a vacation at this point). So neither of them would come if they had a choice.
Families should not treat each other that way and I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that. Seems like you have your life together, and that’s what matters most! Congrats on your marriage, and having a wonderful wedding 🙂
Post # 6
AngieN I hope the rest of the posters can be supportive of what your going through rather then passing judgement and tell you that you did the wrong thing. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. And just to let you know… I’m not making any exceptions for our adult wedding either. It’s our wedding and we’re paying for it. We deserve to have it the way we want it. Who ever said kids HAVE to come to weddings? You want kids at YOUR wedding have them. We don’t. No point in trying to talk us out of it now. This is a hot button issue, but oh well. You needed to vent and have someone say “I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you did the right thing.”
Hang in there!! 🙂
Post # 7
franks.katie agreed! Well said!
Post # 8
You’re right. Your sister is an adult, and I’m sorry, but it’s just plain strange to me to not leave your 6 and 4 yos with their own grandmother or “anyone under 25.” I mean, fine, they’re her kids and she must do whatever she wants to feel comfortable regarding their health and safety, but in all honestly, this sounds like a parent hiding behind her kids as an excuse not to be social on her own. It’s sad if she’s so insecure to come to a wedding alone that she uses her kids as an excuse (and tries to bring THEM in lieu of a date), but really, that’s her problem to solve; not yours. You telling her that she couldn’t bring her kids did NOT make it impossible for her to come; she CHOSE to make it impossible for her to come.
What you need to communicate to both your mom and your sister (and yourself, really) is that your wedding is OVER. Finito. Done. Why is this still an issue? You can’t go back in time and change it; you’re not going to apologize for what is general propriety. I think that bells is right–SOME people would make exceptions for family, but no one has to and there are quite a few people who DON’T.
BUT–BEFORE you just plain write your sister off, please vent and cool down. It sounds like you’re having a nasty tiff, but it’d be sad to forever alter the interrelationships in your family just because of this (which is ultimately, sort of silly). So, I think that you should still hold your ground, but I would still try to hold out an olive branch, which is different than admitting you were wrong, maybe something along the lines of:
“Alright, sis, I understand you’re angry about the wedding, but I think that we’ve dragged this out enough: the wedding is over. What I AM sorry about is that you decided not to come. I really missed having you there.”
Post # 9
@AngieN: You did the right thing. It was YOUR wedding and if you didnt want kids then your sister should have respected that. Having someone watch her kids for a few hours would not have been the end of the world. Im glad you didnt cave and let then children come. She had an option and she chose not to take it, its not like you didnt want her to come.
I know you are just venting but dont let this come between you and your sister. Like JennyW1 said, the wedding is over and everyone needs to just move on.
Post # 10
your sister sounds like my aunt, who also didn’t come to my wedding, and who’s totally jealous of my mom for being more successful than her (with the totally lame excuse that her high school aged daughter would be at summer camp and would be mad at my aunt for coming without her–wtf???!) my mom’s just totally written her off now, for totally good reason. you can’t win with some people, and at some point it’s just not worth trying anymore– you can’t control other people’s behavior.
Post # 11
I can see your point, especially if you’ve had a toxic relationship with your sister but I can’t help but feel that exceptions could be made for family members, especially your sister. I can also undersand her not wanting to leave them with a stranger. My son has never been with a stranger and it was only recently that I let him stay with him MIL. I really do see why you are frustrated with her but I just think that it would have been nice to make an exception for her, especially since you are their aunt.
Post # 12
@AngieN:Good for you! I actually am having kids welcome to my wedding, but I am the oldest of 7 and want all my sibs there, and felt like if I let some kids come, I should let all kids come. But I DO understand why some people prefer all Adult weddings and you gave her 5-6 months to find a babysitter. I think she probably used her kids as an excuse to start drama and not come or try to damper your plans, and I would never change the date of my wedding and redo all your plans for ONE person. So Bravo to you for sticking to your guns, it sounds like she was just being nasty.
If I was you, I would cool off a little before you say much to her though. It sounds like your relationship with her is a little rocky and you don’t want to say anything to her to make it worse. It’s always better to take the high road and be the better person, it sounds like an argument is what she wants, if you don’t instigate it she has nothing to feed off of.
But you have nothing to feel bad for and I would not let anyone guilt you into apologizing or feeling bad, it was you and your hubbies day and as long as you guys had a great day and the people around you did also, that ‘s all that’s important! Don’t let one person tamper your good memories .
Post # 13
I can understand why your sister doesn’t want to leave her children alone withsomeone under 25.. but seriously? She can’t find a babysitter with MONTHS notice?
I’ve noticed people use this excuse when they want to be jerks. ALL my cousin’s tried it and we told them flat out- if you can’t find a sitter don’t come. Best decision ever.
Post # 14
Sorry you have to deal with your mom, but I completely agree with what how you handled things. Your sister had MORE than enough time to find a baby sitter and from the sounds of what your other sister is telling you about her BF, she’s got some major issues and was just trying to be a pain and give you trouble. Why doesnt your mother give her crap for not going to your wedding with months to find arragements for her children???
Post # 15
@AngieN: I agree with everyone and I want to say… I started teaching Kindergarten (3, 4 and 5 year olds) at 23 (and could have at 22), while ECE’s who work at daycares can get licenced at 21. (At least this holds true in Canada) Sooooo I would hope she changes her mind on that age limit…
Post # 16
I’m glad I’m not the only one!!! My little sister has refused to come to my wedding b/c I won’t invite her b/f (who is a wicked D bag and both of them are still married…to other people!) Everyone thinks I should invite him just so she can be there and I agree completely with you! It’s your day, it’s your wedding, you want it the way you want it and if your sister didn’t want to partake, that’s her business and her regret. You shouldn’t have to give up what you want, the way you want, on the one day where it’s ok for it to be all about you (and your fiance of course:-)).
Family guilt/obligations are for the other 364 days of the year…