still dreaming (literally) of my old boyfriend …

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I don’t think you are a horrible wife. I wonder if there is something missing at home right now (in the last year) that made this come back?

You are being too hard on yourself, a dream is just a dream, it’s not like you are stalking him or anything in real life.

Post # 3
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

i’ve always had dreams about exes. it’s like my brain is teasing me that i’ve settled down and can’t ever go back to that. i just remember they are exes for a reason and I love my SO. it’s a pain but i deal with it

Post # 4
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i dream about exes all the time. i don’t think it means anything. it is painful, like PP said. but dreams can be mindf*cks. 

Post # 5
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It kinda sounds like you believe these dreams are an accurate representation of how the sex would be in real life NOW. Correct me if I’m wrong but if it took you years to get over him and you’ve been with your DH for a while then it’s been quite a while since you’ve even seen him? So you have no idea who he is right now. You have an idea of who he was, but not who he is? 

What if you’re simply having symbolical or psychological dreams? Where your brain’s representation of your ex BF is playing a major role! A couple of weeks ago another bee posted what the symbolical representation of dreaming with an ex means and it went something like: if you dream with an ex it means that your subconscious is warning you that you’re making the same mistakes in your current relationship as the ones you made in THAT relationship.

Other dream theories would say that every single “character” in your dream is a manifestation of yourself. Which means that you’d have to figure out what side/aspect/facet of you he represents (youth, naïveté, a submissive force?) and what side of you he’s “making love to”? Cuz from what you describe it sounds like it might be a merger of two sides that were intensely argumentative (career vs family, reconciling with your feminine side…you’d know much better).  Food for thought.

However, the key here is to stop taking his appearances in your dreams as actual appearances and try to figure out what your brain is actively trying to tell you (even if it is just “we need more passionate sex here! A true release!”).

Post # 6
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Stace126:  the bridal psychology book I LOVE called The Concious Bride (I actually made a thread about it today) talks about this phenomena and it being pretty common and a manifestation of letting go of the old to make room for the new. Don’t freak out- don’t feel guilty. 

Post # 7
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Stace126:  

I’ve had similar experiences (actually my first love was two years younger than me too!)

I think you’ll never forget your first love, and don’t beat yourself up for dreams- you have no control over that. Embrace your future and your reality.

It seems like your situation was less messy than mine, so feel free to send good vibes his way, and then move on.

Post # 8
Hostess
9910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Stace126:  This used to happen to me as well – hasn’t since the wedding, but that doesn’t mean it won’t again.  I’ve had a couple of dysfunctional but intense relationships pre-DH.  They’ve all made appearances in my dreams.

Leading up to the wedding, there was about a month where pretty much every night an one of the guys I had dated made an appearance in my dreams and it was like I was saying goodbye to them all – it was an intense passionate dream but at the end it was like I was letting them go.   It was really weird.

You’re not alone.

 

Post # 9
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Re: physical ailment….

 

Please someone correct me if I’m wrong, as I have a fairly limited scope of knowledge, but oxytocin is released when people have sex. Its the bonding/love hormone. I don’t see any reason why it couldn’t be released during the dream cycle, which may account for the lingering feeling after.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you should stop focusing in the “who” in the dream and just focus on the what. If it felt good, just roll with it. No one can expect their unconscious to be faithful. next time y ou have that dream, wake up your husband and get it on. You can use the dream to fuel your real sex life, then maybe those what-if thoughts will lose some of their power over you.

Post # 11
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Stace126:  I started seeing a pattern when I started thinking or dreaming about my ex. It was usually right when things were going good with DH and we were getting closer. I realized it was my brains way to try to stay “safe”. It’s scary getting closer and more intimate with someone. You could get massively hurt. So my tiny mental escape to “safety” was to think about the elusive ex. Since all the interactions were in my head, it was a controlled safe place.

Since then, every time I think about the Ex alot, I smile because I know it’s a sign DH and I are getting closer. 

Post # 12
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you are having these dreams because there was no real closure for you?

but you cannot control what you dream of-hell I’ve dreamed of things I’ve never even thought about! ziplining with a monkey? nooooope never thought of that. lol

 

I often have dreams of my exes- but its just that..a dream.

Post # 13
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Forgive me, but you sound very young.

It sounds like you want what you cannot/have never had. Because you never had this man, you want him all the more. It’s usually fear which makes us desire the things which we cannot have… fear of commitment… fear of the future.

What is it that you fear?

Post # 14
Member
3410 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It is just a dream. 

I am 35 and still have an occasional (nice) dream about my first love (I was 17). But then I also have occasional nightmare about my last partner.

It is just your brain doing its thing. It is not to be taken any more seriously than that dream about the purple icecream truck that is powered by milk and skittles that brings your morning paper.

Enough said. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

if it’s really bothering you, maybe you should talk to a counselor about how to get yourself some closure, since it sounds like that never really happened. Otherwise, just don’t read too much into it and try to move on. You’ve got to move on, even if you never got closure.

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