Still engaged but postponed- how to move forward??

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OKay this is not your fault. This is his fault. He shouldn’t have asked you to marry him if he wasn’t ready to get married. That’s like asking someone to make dinner and then complaining when diner is done cooking that you aren’t hungry yet and that you want to wait a few hours. Don’t ask for things you don’t want.

I think it’s pretty clear what this guy wants from you. he wants to live with you and get all the perks of marriage without any of the commitment. You said no to cohabitation before marriage so he proposed thinking that a ring would soften your resolve. When you moved forward on planning the wedding suddenly he has cold feet and is yet again suggesting that the two of you should just live together.

Post # 4
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

So he actually canceled the wedding after the invitations went out? I’d be pretty upset. I also don’t think I’d be moving in with him until he decides he’s good an ready to marry me! I agree with you. A trial run will just set you up for more hurt.

Other than just saying he’s not ready, did he give any specific reasons?

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You don’t ask someone to marry you if you aren’t ready to get married that same day!!!  I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.  Honestly, that would break all the trust I Had and I’m not sure I’d be able to nor want to stay with him.  How do you know he won’t do this again when it gets closer to the next date you set? That would always be in the back of my mind.  

Post # 8
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Why do men think we’re supposed to be able to read their minds?!?! Definitely not your fault OP! Stop blaming yourself, seriously, how were you supposed to know? Did you already tell everyone that the wedding is postponed? If I were in your situation I would probably just stop talking about the wedding for a month or two to give it some space. If possible, I would wait for him to bring it up again (which would be so, so hard) and proceed at that point. Interested to see what other bees have to say!

Post # 10
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The only thing that really concerns me about this is the fact that you should never have to tip toe around your Significant other. 

@Engagedbutpostponed:   “But I am afraid now.  Afraid to trust in the dream.  I will smile and be patient, because I feel he is worth it.  He hinted at “next year”. But it’s so hard to not talk about it, I don’t want to pressure him.”

– Talking about your wedding shouldn’t be pressuring. :-/

I think couples counseling would be a really good start for your too. You really need to be talking about this. Something is going on and counseling will help him get to the bottom of his issues while letting you also address the hurt and fears you have in a safe and mediated environment. 

*hugs* i’m sorry you are going through all this. 

Post # 12
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Is this relationship salvageable… Maybe, Perhaps… it has happened before (someone needing to slow the process down)

BUT the truth is getting Engaged is part of the process of GETTING MARRIED

He now has decided that it was all moving too fast for him (happens)

Don’t like the part where he says that was your fault (use of the word “pressuring”)

No one should ever pressure anyone else to be Getting Engaged / Married… it should part of a natural process, A NEED that BOTH people want to fulfil

To be honest, I have to admit I see this a lot more similarly to what @arendiva: said,

I think it’s pretty clear what this guy wants from you. he wants to live with you and get all the perks of marriage without any of the commitment.  You said no to cohabitation before marriage so he proposed thinking that a ring would soften your resolve.  When you moved forward on planning the wedding suddenly he has cold feet and is yet again suggesting that the two of you should just live together.

He is intentionally trying to MANIPULATE the situation in my mind… he thought THE RING would push things in his direction, and that you’d be content without planning a Wedding for some time to come.

Obviously you weren’t

So now he’s trying another tactic

Ultimately, he wants WHAT HE WANTS… and not so much what YOU WANT

That is worrisome

I wouldn’t move in with him… otherwise chances are good you’ll be the Bee on here posting 6 to 18 months from now saying you are feeling duped, and WHY OH WHY hasn’t this man moved forward on the Wedding Front.

The truth may be either he really got COLD FEET

OR he just doesn’t want to marry… (or marry you… sad but a fact of life)

“This is a GREAT Relationship for now… not for later”

Guys are like that they are lazy… they’ll get comfy in a relationship where a Great Girl caters to their every whim… they don’t see themselves marrying her, but hey, she’s fun, she looks out for him, cares for him, cooks for him, and they have sex regularly.

So ya, it could be he’s just comfy in this relationship for now

This BTW, is the exact definition of that old fashioned saying “WHY buy the Cow…” not a pleasant saying (equating women to livestock), but something that has merit because as we age and see the world we clearly see that this is the way some men & relationships work

Greg Behrendt’s Book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, dedicates a WHOLE CHAPTER to these types of guys (He’s Just No That Into You – If He Isn’t Making ACTIVE Plans to Marry You), and the RED FLAGS to look for (every documented excuse known to man… and this book is written from a Man’s perspective, so very insightful to how men think)

Read the book… and LEARN.  You can find it at most Libraries, or Book Sellers (on-line or in-store)

Then you need to further test out the theory… Tell him point-blank… YOU ARE NOT GOING AGAINST YOUR WISHES / VALUES / BELIEFS by moving in with him prior to Marriage, Period  (Don’t waiver, don’t be a Jellyfish… BACKBONE REQUIRED)

Then you need to see what he doesn next.  Does he let the relationship drift, or does he actually get back on board with the idea of planning a future life together / Marriage.

Then you’ll know.

BTW, if he isn’t chasing you down to get you to marry him after you CLEARLY LAY DOWN THE LAW ON THE LIVING TOGETHER ISSUE.

Then he clearly “Just Not That Into You”

You need to then let him go… and find someone who really does want the things in life you want.

And ABOVE ALL ELSE… THEY WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU !!

Hope this helps,

(( HUGS ))

PS… Want to feel truly empowered read Greg’s Book and Dr Phil’s “Love Smart – Find the One You Want ~ Fix the One You Got”.  Both are written about LOVE from a Man’s perspective… very insightful.  And BOTH Men say that women have all the power in what happens in a relationship (whether the guy falls in Love or not)… we just don’t truly KNOW we have that power.  We find that power within ourselves thru self confidence.  You exude self confidence and you’ll attract the right kinds of guys… we have to stand up for ourselves and APART from the crowd (again with the Backbone analogy).

 

Post # 14
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@arendiva:  +1 I think you are spot on… this is exactly what I was going to write.  Unfortunately OP I don’t understand why he would propose so soon if marriage is scary to him… he was married before, so what did he think was going to happen?  It doesn’t matter if he waits another month or a year, a proposal means he wants to marry you.. the date of the marriage shouldn’t matter at all.  Also, it seems like a year of dating and not cohabitating is a bit rushed for a proposal as well.  I think you guys are still in the “fresh” stage of your relationship, where everything is new and beautiful.  When that feeling wears off and you’ve been engaged for a year or two without any other significant changes will he still want to get married?  If he was so eager to plan and he helped pick August 2013 I don’t understand where this is coming from, or how he could possibly ever resent you!  Either he’s got a serious case of cold feet or he feels he rushed into this without thinking it all through.  Either way, be cautious.

Post # 15
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Engagedbutpostponed:  It sounds like you two still have a lot of growing to do together. Stick to your guns! You do not need to live together before you get married. 

I think it’s totally normal to know when it’s “the one” but wait to get married. I think FI and I knew about 6 months into dating (he claims he knew one month in lol) but we didn’t get engaged until we were together 2 years. Sometimes, even if you know it’s the person you want to spend your life with, you still want to get the time to date each other and be engaged. We are also having a two year engagement. And it’s different for everyone, how much time they need. For me, I just want to take the time to enjoy all of these times in my life. So that could be what’s going on with your FI. Maybe you can talk to him about how you’re feeling hurt and the two of you could work together on building a strong, committed relationship. There’s so many things you could do, ballroom dancing lessons together, plant a garden together, go to couples counseling (I realize there is a stigma on counseling but I think it can be such a positive thing, a space for growth in your relationship), build a piece of furniture for your future home together. 

As far as moving on, I think you need acknowledge and sit with feelings before you can let them go. And if you still can’t let them go, then maybe you should talk to FI.

Post # 16
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Engagedbutpostponed:  I’ve gotta keep it real with you.  Saying that he felt rushed and saying that he felt pressured is pretty much the same thing. 

I have always been told “Actions Speak Louder Than Words.”

If you honestly made a list of his actions you could see that he has backpedaled, attempted to “rush” you into living together without marriage and said other things that show you clearly that you two do not want the same thing at the same time from each other and are not on the same page.

Accept that and stop being exclusive with someone who is telling you “No” using a thousand different phrases.  Let him know you’d like to open up the relationship to date other people so both of you can get what you want without anyone feeling pressured.

You should not be the only one having to sacrifice what you want.  Otherwise it’s a reverse ultimatum where either you put up with his s*&^ or lose him.  You deserve better. Own it and get back in control by not investing so much of your life and time into him.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors