Still no ring:(

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Jillla7:  I can understand your concerns about not getting a ring right away. I can see that you had a previous issue with this and that may be adding to it. However, I think I should point out that every relationship is different. You are not in the same relationship that you had before. You are not in the same relationship as me, or your neighbor, or your cousin. I know of plenty of people that live together for like 5 years before getting married. Or people that get married within months of knowing eachother. It really depends on the people. 

As I’m sure anyone on here could attest, being engaged is awesome. Stressful, but awesome. Yet, you want it to be right before you get married. You say that he has brought it up in the past about wanting to get you a ring. I have had guys say the same thing to me, but months later there was nothing. I didn’t keep bringing it up to them though. Some guys want to surprise you. Or, save up for these little trinkets that cost tons of dollars. I have been proposed to many times, yet only said yes to my FH. I waited. I didn’t care about the ring, I cared about the person. Had he not proposed, I would have just been happy to be with him. 

If you are meant to be with this guy, I don’t see what the rush is. Engagements are (usually) long anyway. My engagement is going on two years already. It will almost be 2.5 before I actually get married. I know you are excited. I know that you want to unify the relationship that you have with him. However, I feel like if you keep bringing it up to him, it may come off as “nagging”. In some cases when guys feel nagged or pressured, they may second guess the whole relationship. 

I suggest letting it sit for a while. Wait a few months, then bring it up if you must. My experience is that if a guy is interested in marriage, they will ask. You just have to give them time. If you are meant to be, you will. I hope this helps.

Post # 3
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Jillla7:  

I have to respectfully disagree with the first comment. It’s one thing to be waiting to feel comfortable mentally, financially, etc. to make the commitment of being engaged, but what her SO is doing to her isn’t fair. He’s already assured her that he is ready to make the commitment and seems to be just dangling the ring in front of her. That’s mentally exhausting. It is completely fair to ask for a timeline and expect, within reason, for it to be upheld. OP’s SO is not being considerate of her feelings. 

My advice is to wait until your vacation is over to bring up any kind of ring talk. He may very well be planning to propose, and you don’t want to ruin that. If he doesn’t, have a conversation with him explaining that his broken promises are really hurting you. Ask him to take some time to think about what a reasonable timeline would be and get back to you. That way he doesn’t have to come up with a time on the spot and feel pressured to act in time. 

Post # 4
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think he intends to propose, but I can’t say for sure. From reading posts like these on this site, there seems to be a pattern where the guy brings up marriage enthusiastically and early and then drops it completely.

I would give him the benefit of a doubt until after the trip. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  MsW-to-MrsM.
Post # 5
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

That’s tough… He sounds like he just keeps bringing it up to put you off longer. He doesn’t sound like he has any plans on proposing. I would wait til your vacation. If he hasn’t proposed by than, I’d sit him down and have a serious talk about it. 

Post # 6
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

If I was you, I think I would go on the vacation as planned, and if he didn’t propose like he said he would, I would wait until we got home and have a serious discussion with him.

It simply isn’t ok to string someone along by saying you will propose after a certain amount of time, asking about rings and then forgetting about them, setting up appointments and then acting like you don’t want to go, and constantly putting off the date. That’s not how you treat someone you truly want to marry. 

I don’t think this behavior is something to ignore or try to get past. This very well could be a part of his character that could make marriage to him difficult. Do you want a husband who doesn’t do what he says he will do when it comes to matters as serious as engagement and marriage? Do you want a husband who asks you on more than one occasion to pick out what you want and then keeps “forgetting” and neglecting to get it? I don’t know about you, but that’s not a quality I would want in my husband. 

Don’t dismiss this behavior or percieve it as merely an obstacle on your way to marriage. The man you want to marry is treating you badly, and behavior like this doesn’t go away just because a party has been thrown and a contract has been signed. This is the kind of behavior you don’t want in a roommate, much less a husband and father to your children. This is the kind of behavior that makes life much more difficult than it has to be. I don’t suggest attaching yourself or your child(ren) to a man as wishy-washy and “forgetful” as this man appears to be. 

Post # 7
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Rhopalocera:  I agree. It’s not an admirable quality to break promises. Is his behavior consistent in other areas of life? 

For some reason the song lyrics from Follow Through (“so since you want to be with me, you have to follow through, with every word you say” ) popped into my head 🙂  But that sums up how I feel about my partner.

Post # 8
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: Catholic Church & Local community hall

I think you might be putting a lot of pressure on him by always bringing it up. A lot of men like to use the element of surprise and since he can’t surprise you with what the ring looks like (since you already know) he might be trying to do it when you least expect it, the problem is that when you bring it up he then gets frustrated because he then has to wait until you’ve ‘forgotten’ about it again and you get frustrated because it hasn’t happened yet.<br /><br />Try not to mention anything at all about it before or during the holiday, don’t get your hopes up or get sulky during the trip if he hasn’t done it when you think he should. If it doesn’t happen on the holiday then after you get home (not when you’re both tired or cranky from travelling) have a talk about what marriage actually means to you.

Do you want to get married just for the sake of it and to have a nice dress, party, a bit of a show…or are you happy to just spend you life with each other and then one day maybe it will happen when you’re both on the same page. He might not value marriage as much as you or for different reasons. Whatever the reasons, it’s a talk you have to have. Myself and my SO had to talk about it because he would be happy to just start having kids, get our lives set up financially and then have a bit of a wedding, me being Catholic would prefer to be married, then have kids etc. Like you, he actually brings it up more than me and talks about it more often! It can be frustrating when they say soon, soon, soon but they’re men and you can’t push them or they dig their heels in like donkeys!

 

Post # 9
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Jillla7:  If he doesn’t propose during your vacation, talk to him and ask why he keeps giving you false timelines and if he has a real timeline in mind that he can actually stick to. It isn’t fair that he keeps stringing you along with no intention of following through. 

Post # 14
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Jillla7:  “Then he said well it needs to be our budget.”

This is what I’m wondering about.  Was the ring far out of your budget? Did your BF not want to buy a pre-owned ring?  Can he comfortably afford the ring/trip/wedding that you want? It’s not fair that he’s stalling like this, but a calm talk when you are not feeling quite so “hurt and bitter” might give you more enlightening answers.           

Post # 15
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My FI always says when it comes to situations like this that actions always speak louder than words.

That’s not to say that your boyfriend will never propose.  The notion and the idea of getting engaged and married is very romantic and I think many guys bring up the idea waaaay before they realistically want to get engaged.  Some may think they’re buying time, others really do want to get married….someday.  I don’t think he was intentionally cruel by ring shopping, but maybe just a little naive in thinking that you would be OK with waiting 6 months or longer for a ring after shopping.

Like others have said, wait until after your vacation and if nothing happens I would definitely bring it up.  You absolutely have a right to know what’s going on and if he has no intentions of proposing soon, then there may be some tough decisions to make.

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