(Closed) Still not engaged

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think you need to do anything to push him. I think you need to make yourself a “walk date” a date that you decide that you’ll leave if he hasn’t proposed. After a certain amount of time you need to decide how much longer you’ll let him waste your time.

Post # 4
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I gave my now FI a walk date. I told him it wasn’t an ultimatum. But if we weren’t engaged by the new year last year I was going to seriously have to think about our relationship and where its going and if I was ok with not ever getting married. We fought A LOT after that talk but on December 3rd of last year he finally asked… So like the PP said. Give him a date and tell him he needs to decide. See what happens. But you have to stick to your walk date. If he knows this is important to you he will get you at least a small ring.

Post # 5
3050 posts
Sugar bee

Why not have a conversation about your expectations and his expectations? Ask what kind of timeline he has in mind. 2 months, 2 years??? Talk about what your timeline looks like and then try to come to a loose agreement. You don’t want to bully him into getting married, but you do have to be mindful of your goals. Don’t pick a sensitive time to discuss this. I have even said in the past, “Do you think we can discuss XX this weekend?” to give him time to prepare.

Post # 6
9234 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@mamadingdong:  +1

Post # 7
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Post # 8
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lissabd:  I did the same as @HisBrownEyedGirl except the ex-bf backed off when the due date came around.  I had given him a “soft” deadline.   FWIW, 1.5 years after our break-up, my ex got married.

I wouldn’t have a serious talk with him ONCE and then, drop the subject.  He needs to come to the same conclusion himself.  When the time comes, you will either be engaged or have to decide how important it is to you to be married. 

Post # 10
4896 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh noo, do not give him a deadline. Men do no want to be bullied into making this type of decision. I waited more than 6 years for my bf to propose. It took 2-3 years after picking the ring for him to order it. You cannot force or speed up the process if you want him to ask. The more you talk about it and ask him about it, the more he will push back and he longer it will take. It breeds resentment. Having an open conversation about it is one thing…. saying “propose to my by Christmas or I’m leaving” is something else. 

Post # 11
22 posts
  • Wedding: December 2016

Do not give him a deadline, not only because men don’t like that but why would you want to get married to someone who was forced into proposing. marriage isn’t important to everybody it doesn’t mean he loves you any less he just may not understand how important it is to you. Just let him know how much it means to you then leave it to him. Is being married to anyone more important than being with him?

Post # 12
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

I think it is perfectly fine to sit down and say that you have expectations for when you want to become engaged. Or you could propose to him instead. 

Post # 13
50 posts
Worker bee

You guys definitely need to have a sit down “timeline” talk. No more general answers. My SO would say the same thing “babe no worries, we’re going to do this” etc and all while that felt great…my timeline was totally different than what he was thinking. So knowing where you all lie with your timelines will make a big difference. And if it’s way out of range of what you’re expecting let him know that. But I do agree to not continue to press the issue once he knows how you feel :).

Post # 14
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

i call it a choice – its not an ultimatum or a deadline…you love me, you want to be with me – i will not be happy if we are not married…that is how it is…i would be resentful and wonder why he doesn’t love me enough to marry him (although depends on age…im old! )

Post # 15
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I agree with those advising against the “walk date”. Nothing wrong with having a chat and finding out whats on his mind. There could be something up his sleeve or a reason you dont know about. My FI was under the impression that he couldnt propose until he had a HUGE ring cause he heard “its all about the ring” and the saying about he should spend 2-3 times a months salary…. so he went 2 years feeling like he would never afford that kind of ring. When he and I did sit down and chat I told him I would gladly love and appreciatr any ring he got me. We were engaged about 8 momths later. And I wouldnt trade my ring for anything;)

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