- 5 years ago
I really need some advice. This might be a mess because I have quickly typed it on my phone.
I am so embaressed by what I am about to admit- I feel really pathetic, and I haven’t told anyone any of this because 1) it is wrong and 2) I feel like a loser.
Last year my BF and I broke up after 3 years because I felt like we were stuck in a rut. We had been living together for 2 years, and it was the same thing day after day.
I moved out and straight away joined an adult website for casual encounters. I had only been with BF and really wanted to meeting new people and try new things.
I met lots of losers but did meet once decent guy. He was my age (early 20’s), was a pilot, was funny, kind, a little geeky- which I like, and I enjoyed his company. We started sleeping together after 2 weeks.. and I was BLOWN AWAY. He was a very different lover from my BF, he took his time, and we would make love all night. We saw each other once a week or so for 3 or 4 months. I was falling in love with him but he started pulling away. The last time I saw him I let his apartment feeling really dirty and used- I never heard from him again.
At first, I didn’t care. A few months later after some time on my own and some soul searching I realised what I had with my BF and we have been back together for 6months. Things are wonderful between us, although we still dont have that through down passion like we did when we first met (when we got back together it came back, but is just like old times once again). BF knows that I was with this other man, and he is fine with it.
The thing is though.. I still think about the other man all the time. I saw on his facebook earlier in the year that he has a girlfriend now, and I often imagine running into them. I lost weight this year and think about seeing him and him being blown away by me and seeing what he missed out on. When I am at the gym running on the treadmill I replay scenarios in my head over and over. I am obsessed.
I also get sad thinking that I will never have sex like I had with him again.
I don’t know where this has come from, but it is consuming and makes me feel awful. My BF is amazing, and he is so so so good to me. He might not be the best in bed but he certainly makes up for it in other ways.. I just don’t know.. I feel like I will never get over this other man. I wonder if I feel this way because I felt so rejected.. he just dropped me and I never heard from him again.. or if I actually do have feelings for him?