Post # 1
I came to Weddingbee while I was struggling with cold feet (or what I ‘hoped’ was cold feet). After months of debating, I decided to take a step back from my engagement to a man I had dated for 5 years. It was the most difficult decision of my life.
In the past few months I have been dealing with the reality of the situation. Considering my engagement anxiety, I thought that calling it off would relieve a lot of my pain and worry. However, dealing with it has been anything but relieving.
I made a few faux pas, namely remaining close to him, after the engagement ended. What resulted was hurt and angry feelings when he abruptly got involved in another relationship. It’s been 3.5 months since the engagement was called off, and they have been serious for almost 2 months. I guess 5 years meant nothing.
For those who have called off an engagement, or for those who have dealt with a hard breakup, what advice can you give me to help me heal and move past it? It’s hard, as I know I did the right thing, I am just still struggling with the array of emotions.
Post # 3
I am sorry you are going through right now *hug*
Do you still love him? Do you still see him in your future? If yes, than right now all you can do is let him have his new relationship. He is probably hurting to and seeings your breaking up with him as the total end of you two. He probably feels “justifed” in starting a new relationship.
If no, then I saw slowly ween yourself off him and go on with your life. Take up a new hobby (I’m going to start growing flowers) and realize that life is beautiful the way it is
Post # 4
I have no insight into this situation, but I wanted to send you my heartfelt hugs. I’m so sorry you are going thru this.
Post # 5
cut off all contact with him and focus on yourself. the new relationship is most likely his way of rebounding…it has nothing to do with you or your previous relationship. now is the time to spend lots of time with your girlfriends and really focus on what makes you happy.
Post # 6
The best advice I can give you is “it gets better’. It sucks; it will probably suck for a long time, but it will not *WILL NOT* suck forever. Don’t be decieved into thinking that he was the only one who could understand you, or the only one who will ever love you because these things are simply NOT TRUE! Not under any circumstances.
But also, it’s okay to mourn. If you hadn’t cared it wouldn’t hurt, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Post # 7
I ended an engagement 2 1/2 years ago to a man I had a daughter with and had been with for 2 1/2yrs at the time. He moved in with the woman he “wasn’t” cheating on me with with in a month of our split. It killed me emotionally and took me probably 6months or so before I was able to even talk about the situation without freaking out. He and I made the mistake of going back and forth with being “really” friendly with each other to hating eachother. I even made the stupid choice to sleep with him twice after we split. Once I really made myself let go of him in every sense it was like 1,000lbs was removed from my shoulders.
He ended up being the dead beat dad I had feared he would be. The woman he “didn’t” cheat with left him after just a year with him. And I haven’t heard from him about or daughter or anything else in almost a year.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through but it was the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself. Stay strong and good luck!
Post # 8
I had a previous engagement and really, the best thing I did was go no contact. It’s such a large break and big hurt that staying friends immediately is not really possible.
I think that what you’re feeling is normal. It’s normal to have “dumper’s remorse”, but try to remember why you ended the engagement.
Don’t take his being in a new relationship personally. It is in no way a reflection of his feelings for you or the time you shared together. People deal with breakups differently. Some people jump right back in for distraction, and others take time alone. It just depends on the person.
Just take care of yourself, keep yourself busy, talk about it as much as you need to, and eventually you will feel 110% better.
Post # 9
hang in there – its makes it really tough that he is seeing someone else but you have to just remind yourself of the reasons you called it off and hold on to those – when we grieve a relationship we tend to look back and romanticize it a little bit which makes us rethink why we broke up in the first place but just hold on to those reasons for leaving – remind yourself of them often. i used to make my sister have talks with me once a week and remind me why i wanted out of that relationship.
its really really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in it but i promise once the pain and hurt subside you will look back and realize that you were right in your decision to leave – it just takes TIME.
distance yourself from him – it cant be good for you to know the ins and outs of his life right now.
i also read this as you dont have plans on getting back with him but that it hurts and is confusing – if you are thinking of still wanting to be with him i may have other advice for you – but for breakups – that is the best thing i know to tell you right now.
good luck! im soo sorry you are going through this. but i admire your strength.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry. That is def a hard to thing to do breaking of the engagement. Trust your judgment and reflect on why you broke it off in the first place. As with any relationship, it is always hard to see an ex with someone new, esp so soon because you question how can they be emotinally available so fast. He’s probably hurting and this is how he’s coping with it. Him seeing someone else does not take away how he feels about you and your relationship. **HUGS***
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2011 - Vandiver Inn
This is not easily done, so don’t think I’m being flip. I promise, I know this is hard.
But I’m with kitzy on this one… shut him out. Stop keeping tabs on his life and lose his email and phone numbers. Unfriend him on Facebook. You need to cut him off, cut him out, and focus on you. It will suck, so I won’t lie and say it doesn’t. But every day will get a little bit easier until one day, it won’t be so much effort at all.
The other thing is to give yourself permission to feel all of those emotions which are all jumbled up in you right now. You’re sad, and hurt, and you’re grieving your relationship (much the same as you would grieve a lost loved one). It’s okay. Cry when you have to. Vent when you have to. Give yourself permission to feel this way and really go ahead and work through it. I know sometimes bottling it up can feel better in the moment, but it will eventually come back to haunt you.
Also, *hugs*. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 12
Are you absolutely sure that not one single bone in your body wants to get back together and eventually marry him? If the answer is ‘no it doesn’t’, then continue reading below…
– Cut off contact point blank. (And I speak from experience. I have done both things: be on friendly terms, and cutting off. What worked is what I am advicing you.) No emails, txt msging, phone calls.
– Immediately get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him. Whether this is stuff he gave you or if you wore it to your ‘first date’ or any of your special occassions. Get rid of it completely. Trash it or donate it. I am not saying to get rid of ALL your clothes and valuables, but just the ones that remind you of some special time with him. Believe me, clothing and accessories will come and go. Your mental health is most important. Don’t bother trying to give it back to him. That’s breaking the rule above. I.e. ‘no contact’.
– Start hanging out with your friends and/or family (mom, sister, dad, etc.) quickly and EVERY evening without fail. You don’t have to recite your sob story to them on each of these days but just hang out and do things like mini-golf, movies, coffee shops, etc. Talk when you want to but try not to. (Even though they are your best of friends, they already know the story. They don’t want to hear it 20,000 times. So please respect that as well and they will love you for it.)
– Delete him from everything: Your phone (yes! Get rid of the #! Even if you know it by heart, just get rid of it from anywhere you can ‘see’ it.) Facebook, anywhere else.
– If you feel like contacting him…. write an email and send it to YOURSELF. Next morning when you see it, I promise you won’t want to send it as much as you did while you wrote it. Then delete it. He is not worth it.
– DO also think about the good parts of your relationship. Believe it or not, this allows you to let it go easier than if you were JUST thinking of all the stupid sh*t because that will make you angry and vengeful. NOT the attitude you are going for. Know those parts too but don’t dwell on them. For every bad thought you have of him, think of a good one. And they neutralize. You neither want him back nor gone. So he will start taking less and less space in your brain. His presence in your mind will start taking shape of “meh! whatever!”
Rule #1 is EXTREMELY important so whatever you do, make sure it doesn’t violate that ‘no contact’ rule. You will feel better, faster. That saying “out of sight, out of mind” though sounds very simple, does tend to do a lot more work on your mind than people give it credit.
Post # 13
I haven’t ever been in as drastic a situation as yours (calling off an engagement) but I feel for you and I hope you do ok getting over this relationship.
I have to echo the other posters and say that you should delete his number, get rid of stuff that reminds you of him, and make an effort to hang out with friends and family every day. And buy yourself some sexy lingerie that he’s never gonna get to see 😉
Post # 14
I agree with the “no contact rule” it will just drive you crazy to see how his life is going. Definatley do what you want with your life and don’t let anything he does dictate your happiness. Before you know it, it will be just another blip on the road in your life. I know from expierence, I don’t even think of my broken engagement anymore. Everyone else does a good job bringing it up to me, like I care anymore. Then next thing you know, you will have met the best person for you. Your life will be complete because you lived it the way that made you happy.
Post # 15
I have actually had two big breakups with people that ment a lot to me.
The first on was an ex that I had dated for about 5 years. I knew that we couldn’t stay together, I had found out that he had a hidden life (he liked men). I was away at college, he actually helped me pick my major, when I broke up with this guy. I talked to him only a couple of times since we broke up, and that was the best for me. I ended up just having fun with my horse, and with some friends from school and my stables.
The second breakup was actually with my current FI, but quite a while ago. I met him at college, and I probably wouldn’t have met him if I didn’t pick my particular major. I broke up with him, because he started keeping things from me, so that I didn’t get mad at him. We talked every once in a while, like a couple to a few times a month, on the phone. He was very courteous, and didn’t tell me about any other relationships. He ended up hanging out at bars alot, and hung out with some flaky people. I ended up dating someone else for a short while, about a month or so. When I broke up with the other guy I called FI, and we hung out, but decided to not be anything more than friends. Well one day I felt something was wrong with FI, I just had a gut feeling, so I called him. He was kind a drunk, and very pissed off at someone, so I talked with him for a while. That ended up evolving to our current relationship, where he isn’t hiding anything, he also realises that I am what he had really wanted, and that he dosn’t want to screw up again. We have had the best relationship ever since.
So my motto has been “Everything happens for a reason”, and this has kinda helped me when I am sad, it has proven to be true in my life though. I wouldn’t have found my current FI if I hadn’t dated my ex. Also, FI wouldn’t have grown into such a perfect guy if I hadn’t broken up with him years ago. I am sure that I have changed, for the good, because of my experiances.
I am sorry that you are hurting and I hope everything goes well for you. *hugs*
Post # 16
Thank you all so much. To clarify, I went through MONTHS of anxiety before I called it off. I needed to determine if it was me, or if it was him/the relationship. It was the latter. My gut was right.
We didn’t have a bad relationship, it just wasn’t right. It’s become painfully obvious now that he’s moved on. In the beginning I perhaps thought we might be able to work it out. Now, there is no chance. I see his true colors: he has abondoment issues and fills voids with the new relationship; and that is not what I want…
BUT, it’s still really hard, and I am still trying to understand why I am so upset when I called it off. Thank you for your wise words. Don’t worry about being kind, either, but I do appreciate the kindness.
One of my biggest struggles right now is our mutual friends… THAT, has been tough! Any advice on how to navigate those get-togethers?