Still waiting, but with new complications.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3045 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Have you talked to him about this?  It sounds like you feel it would be better if you broke up if you weren’t going to be in it for the long haul.

Post # 3
Hostess
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

theonlywayisorange:  Very sorry to hear of all your family troubles – happy healthy thoughts to you.

Here’s what I think…have you seen ‘He’s just not that in to you’?  You sound like Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck.  You want him to be there, he wants to be there for you, but for some reason because you don’t have a ring you don’t feel like you can lean on him? 

If this is the man you want to be with forever, forever is forever.  I hated waiting, but I never gave DH an ultimatum because I knew I wouldn’t leave, I love him way too much, as much as I wanted to be married, I wanted to be with him more.

I waited 8.5 years, he proposed for my 30th birthday.  We got married just after my 31st.  We’ve been together 10 years this coming halloween.  The only thing that changed because of my ring(s) is my name.

 

Post # 4
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

theonlywayisorange:  “I want to turn to him and let him comfort me, and I know that’s what he wants, too, but I feel like I can’t lean on him and then suddenly have him not be there any more.”

You’re being very smart.  Being THE person you rely on in times of need is a privilege.  Don’t give all your trust and vulnerability to someone who hasn’t earned that privilege.  Don’t commit your whole self to somebody who isn’t ready to reciprocate.    

I think you need to spread your trust around.  Some to your boyfriend, some to your friends, some to family members, some to internet/IRL cancer support groups.  But if he wants to be that ONE person you turn to – he knows what he needs to do.    

Post # 5
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee

There are many problems with “waiting” for me the biggest problem that I know now is that not every story of sticking it out and waiting leads to a proposal.  My waiting story ended with longterm BF finally telling me he wasn’t proposing because he didn’t want to marry ME, not even just didn’t want to get married ever, blah, blah – I was not the one.  I’m okay now with not being the one for him but do have some regrets about the time and emotion I invested in that relationship. 

Sometimes tragedy brings other decisions that have to be made to the forefront as well.  I would suggest that you need an internal timeline of how long you are willing to wait for him to decide he wants to marry you.  And in the meantime yes, expand your circle, don’t focus all your need for support on him.  Branch out in case your relationship with him is not forever.

Post # 6
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

theonlywayisorange:  hello! im also waiting for the elusive engagement, so i have no useful advice about that however i wanted to just chip in.

 

i am terribly sorry about your mum, my mum had the exact same cancer and treatment, except found at a slightly later stage which led to secondary cancer. she is now in recovery. i wish your mum all the best and i will pray for her full recovery. 

with regards to wondering why you are so worried about marriage now of all times, i will just tell you – and it sounds ridiculous now – but when my mum was going through this, i suddenly found myself extremely concerned about my appearance, in particular, my hair. which hadnt really changed. like literally not leaving the house except to visit her in hospital because i felt such a massive anxiety about it. but the benefit of counselling and hindsight allows me to see that worrying over a smaller issue helped me to deal with the very real possibility that i might lose my mum. that was my way of coping, by masking that huge worry with a much smaller, manageable issue. is it possible that your feelings, although valid, have intensified under this kind of pressure?

xxx

Post # 8
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.  I went through this almost exactly 2 years ago, except my mother’s BC was very advanced.  Fortunately they watch her like a hawk and there have been no signs of the beast since her chemo/surgery/radiation.  I was living with my ex at the time of diagnosis and he also wasn’t ready.  What I found out about 6 months after my mom’s diagnosis was that he would never be ready.  

That said, he was there for me a little.  He made life more difficult in many ways, but at least there was someone there when I was particularly sad or lonely.  I just don’t think he did empathy very well.  I can’t blame him.  He was just not the warm, fuzzy type. 

Fast forward a year and a half from the ex telling me he’d never be ready and I’m engaged to a warm, fuzzy teddy bear who held me when I was scared waiting for the results of my mom’s first post-treatment blood work and exam.  I had been with this man for 6 weeks at the time and he held me and listened to me cry and be scared.  6 weeks and I could count on this man more than I could have counted on my ex of 3 years.  

My advice is that this might be time to explore whether or not this guy is the one for you.  I much prefer the warm, fuzzy, strong man who makes me feel that everything will be OK no matter what happens with my mom.  I’m just not sure I knew that I deserved it when I was with my ex who didn’t meet my needs.

 

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