First off (((( BIG HUGS )))) cause girl it sounds like you need ’em.
As a woman who was married, went thru a horrid Divorce… and still came out broke in the end (and they say marriage laws are there to protect you) cause my man managed to run off with the majority of our money just the same !!
YOUR SITUATION has me highly worried for your welfare.
Like other Bees I suggest that the first step YOU take is to go see a Lawyer so you can fully know / UNDERSTAND your rights in this situation
It is possible that your guy is taking advantage of you… or he is just lazy.
But nonetheless you need to know YOUR RIGHTS and what is the worst case scenario so you can plan for it if need be
I wouldn’t be doing joint accounts with anyone I wasn’t married to (I advise gals on these Boards not to do that… because not being married, and in the event of a break-up it just means your partner has MORE ACCESS to your nest egg / security). Not a good idea
Same reason, I am reluctant for people to purchase a house together before marriage.
Living together & being married are different things.
One really needs a cohabitation agreement as a safety net if you decide to go that route… do you have one ?
Splitting things 50/50 or 33/66 etc (Bill is $ 100 you pay $ 50 to his $ 50… or he makes 2x as much as you and pays $ 66 to your $ 33) looks good on paper, but in reality it isn’t the best solution for a couple
Particularly so if one is married… or gets maried afterwards… because guys tend to get used to the “living together” arrangement and are reluctant to make a more fair agreement after they then marry you (I fell into that trap… and I distinctly think it is one of the reasons that when My Ex-H and I seperated, he honestly and truly believed that he was in the right as in his mind things had been 50/50 all along… but in reality, he left the marriage with a pocket / bank account full of money… while mine was all gone). There are far far better ways to operate jointly.
A + B = C – D – E = F / 2 = (G & H)
A = Your Income
B = His Income
C = Total
D = Fixed Living Expenses (Mortage, Utilities, Insurance, Food etc)
E = Joint Savings (an amount you both agree upon for something like a vacation, home repairs, boat, whatever fits your fancy)
F = Sub Total
G & H = 2 Equal ammounts
And then G & H are further divided… but done so individually
I & J = Equal Amounts you each agree to put into your Long Term Savings (ie Retirement)
K & L = Is Equal Amounts you both have for Spending as you like
Under this A to L model. You’ll discover that ALL the money is equally divided, not based on who earns what. All the bills are paid (D), all the dreams are represented (E), personal needs for Retirement (I & J) are met, and you have money you can spend as you choose (K & L). And there is no resentment to build, because things are 50/50 thru the entire process… with no one person having access to more money than the other.
If someone chooses to spend all their Retirement Savings foolishly… so be it (sucks but then chances are this is going to be a situation where the relationship is in serious cardiac arrest most likely anyhow… not caring about the future with the other person / long term)
And the nice thing is this model can be continually updated revised… so if someone loses their job, or someone goes on Mat Leave… (income) or baby / child care expenses come along (out going)
Anyhow, that is my theory on how to handle money fairly in a marriage (got this model off a Tv show about money… and in my mind having seen the poor results of the 50/50 equation I am sooo much more onboard with this idea)
Getting a guy you lived with under one model (such as the 50/50 which By The Way I believe CAN WORK when you aren’t married ) to switch over to a more fair one can be a challenge. Making it happen tho is something I truly believe that a gal should plan for BEFORE moving in… as guys don’t take change well… especially change to money… once they get their hands on it and have become accustomed to a particular way of doing things (more so if this is the first time they’ve ever lived with anyone and shared expenses)
So house & money aside…
As to your relationship.
It could be that he is lazy / dragging his feet. Or he may just be the guy who is now “comfy”…. “no need to slay any dragons, the princess lives at my castle”
Getting him back out there winning you over may be a task he isn’t willing to take on any more (most guys will avoid dragons when they can)
This is the stage that many refer to as… “Why buy the cow…” (and we all know the rest)
The outcome is such…
He either needs a motivator to move to the next level (pick up his “very shiny” sword)… or you need to leave the castle.
Leaving the castle, he’ll either worry about you and chase you down (“Very shiny” sword in hand) or he’ll let you go… perferring to stay put in his nice warm castle..
Either way you’ll know
And knowing is better than being in limbo, and wasting “your pretty” on someone who doesn’t deserve / appreciate it (as Greg Behrendt says in the Book “He’s Just Not That Into You”… a good read BTW)
I am not a fan of ultimatums. I am however a BIG FAN of sharing of Life Plans with people… including Boyfriends
It lets them know what you have in mind for YOUR LIFE… whether they are onboard or not (a very self empowering exercise, having a PLAN and knowing where you want to go with your life)
You need to sit him down and say…
I see myself here by the time I am X years old. And here is MY LIFE PLAN to get there.
“I want to finish school by A, travel to Y by the time I am B, married by C, here in my career by D, and kiddies by E”
It should be a far reaching plan (you need to have goals beyond Engagement – Marriage – and Children). Ideally it should be somewhere in the 10 to 15 year mark (not just a 5 year short list)
You put your plan out there… and you listen for his answer (to hear his LIFE PLAN)
Hopefully your two plans will have common elements… and then you guys can agree on a CONCRETE TIMELINE
If the elements don’t jive… or the timeline doesn’t… then you have your answer.
So if 6 months from now, he isn’t “on plan”… then you know it isn’t a priority for him… and being unmarried, unengaged… it could very well be time to leave the castle.
No fuss, no muss… not a lot of tears… just time to go… as there is a bus, train, plane to catch to somewhere your Life Plan is meant to take you.
Hope this helps,
PS… And ya, in your case if the day to exit comes… you won’t be needing a bus, train or plane ticket… cause you’ll be driving a big-ass UHAUL out of town !!