(Closed) still waiting for an enegagemt/joint account advice needed desperatly please!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow… you might have to cut your losses. Since your name is not on the title… wow. Although, maybe the USA has a similar situation to Australia whereby if you can prove you’ve been living together for 2 years, that 50% is legally yours anyway? 




Get yourself some legal advice. 


edited to say: sorry, you live in England, I didn’t mean to assume the USA!


Post # 4
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes, you have to protect your investment! That is a total lack of respect towards you! So he is just happy to take your commitment (your monthly payments) every month, but not to make one to you?? Obviously, I don’t know anything more about your situation than what you wrote, but seriously, the bottom line is… you are paying 50% and your name is nowhere! I am living in my boyfriend’s condo, and it is clear that as long as we are not married, I am only paying half the condo fees, but nothing on remodelling or fixing the condo, and he agreed with that (the condo is already paid for). He thinks it is only fair that as long as my name is not on it, I’m a tenant, because why should I make that kind of commitment if he hasn’t?? (He didn’t want to move and already had the condo when we met.) Anyway, girl, you have GOT to protect your investment now, or to cut your losses!!! Get some advice from someone you trust. And hurry.


Post # 5
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Have you sat down and told him point blank how you feel?  How you’re contributing towards a house you have no rights to?  and why you want the joint account?

If it’s been a while, maybe it’s time for a open conversation so you can get everything out on the table.

Post # 6
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly, you are in a very, very dangerous situation. I really can’t emphasize that enough. A similar thing happened to my aunt and she lost her life savings when he just up and took the house that was in his name. Now she is living a life of poverty in her old age because of that asshole. You need a firm commitment and your name on that title and ASAP. First things first, I think you should see a lawyer and find out where you stand on the house front. Then stop caving and insist on a firm timeline from your partner, and if you don’t make serious inroads within a year (a ring, an announcement, a date for the wedding) then take whatever your lawyer’s advice is. That may include legal action or stopping paying the mortgage.


Once again, this is your life savings and it is entirely at the mercy of someone who has already proven to be unreliable and not able to be taken at his word. This is a big deal. I know you love him, but you need to do everything you can to protect yourself first and foremost.


Post # 7
14337 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would pay no more than standard rent toward his mortgage, and split the rest.  I wouldn’t really expect to live there for free, but, he should be getting nothing out of it unless your concerns are addressed and there’s a commitment.  You have to look you for your self! 

Post # 9
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You should go talk to a lawyer. Unfortunately you are in a very bad position, if things were to end, because nothing is in your name and you didn’t put anything in writing. Before you think about leaving, lawyer up, for sure!

Post # 10
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d consult a lawyer about your rights (if any) to the house.  I personally never would have paid the mortgage of a house my name isn’t on. In fact, even now that I’m married I don’t.  DH bought his house before I was ever in the picture and he and only he pays the mortgage.  I contribute in other ways – paying utilities and groceries.  I’d immediately switch to doing an arrangement like that if I was you.  At the end of the day, though you’d likely be having to pay rent anyways, so I kind of see it as all working out in the end.  But, you may be entitled to something even though your name isn’t on the mortgage.  

I also don’t understand why a joint account is so important to you. This is another thing I would never do until I was married (not even engaged, but married!).  

I think yo need to have a tough conversation with him and lay it out on the table and get some answers.  Ask him straight up when you guys will get married.  If he can’t give you a straight answer then I think it’s time to walk.

Post # 12
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

If you plan on moving on from this relationship I would definitely take any furniture or decorative items that you purchased. Those are YOURS even if they are in “his” house. It sounds like you’ve basically been a renter in his eyes. If it were me I would tell him that if he doesn’t start listening to what you want out of the relationship within X amount of time that you will be moving out and taking your stuff, and then stick to your guns until you get what you need to make you feel comfortable with the relationship! 

Post # 13
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@pinkshoes:  +10

@mollypuppy:  I would VERY much reccommend you NOT get a joint account with him. My mother is going through a divorce right now and is in a similar situation: she is a co-borrower but not on title AND they have joint accounts together. He filed for divorce and a judge told her SHE had to leave even though she’s been paying for the mortgage by herself for the last 5 years. And their joint accounts? He drained them immediately (including retirement) and there is nothing she can do about it unless a judge rules he has to reimburse her.


You are already in a risky situation with the mortgage and I wouldnt compound the issues by creating a joint account with him. Keep your assets seperate until you figure out what the plan is with your relationship.

Post # 14
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

If he wanted to do any of this, he wouldn’t be dragging his feet. Honestly, listen to his actions, not his words. When guys want something, they do what it takes to get it. What, exactly, is he doing to keep you in his life forever?

Post # 15
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Do not sink any more of your money or time into this relationship until you figure out what your rights (if any) are to the house.  I would not get a joint account with him until he gives you the committment he seems unwilling to provide.

Your relationship is currently balanced quite nicely in his favor.  He has very little (if any) incentive to get married to you.  If that’s what you want from him, I’d consult a lawyer and then bail.

You said that you put 85% of your money into doing up the house and buying things for it.  Stop that.  It’s your property when you move and set up house somewhere else, but quit contributing to something that isn’t your own.

Post # 16
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (((( BIG HUGS )))) cause girl it sounds like you need ’em.

As a woman who was married, went thru a horrid Divorce… and still came out broke in the end (and they say marriage laws are there to protect you) cause my man managed to run off with the majority of our money just the same !!

YOUR SITUATION has me highly worried for your welfare.

Like other Bees I suggest that the first step YOU take is to go see a Lawyer so you can fully know / UNDERSTAND your rights in this situation

It is possible that your guy is taking advantage of you… or he is just lazy.

But nonetheless you need to know YOUR RIGHTS and what is the worst case scenario so you can plan for it if need be

I wouldn’t be doing joint accounts with anyone I wasn’t married to (I advise gals on these Boards not to do that… because not being married, and in the event of a break-up it just means your partner has MORE ACCESS to your nest egg / security).  Not a good idea

Same reason, I am reluctant for people to purchase a house together before marriage.

Living together & being married are different things.

One really needs a cohabitation agreement as a safety net if you decide to go that route… do you have one ?

Splitting things 50/50 or 33/66 etc (Bill is $ 100 you pay $ 50 to his $ 50… or he makes 2x as much as you and pays $ 66 to your $ 33) looks good on paper, but in reality it isn’t the best solution for a couple

Particularly so if one is married… or gets maried afterwards… because guys tend to get used to the “living together” arrangement and are reluctant to make a more fair agreement after they then marry you (I fell into that trap… and I distinctly think it is one of the reasons that when My Ex-H and I seperated, he honestly and truly believed that he was in the right as in his mind things had been 50/50 all along… but in reality, he left the marriage with a pocket / bank account full of money… while mine was all gone).  There are far far better ways to operate jointly.

A + B = C – D – E = F / 2 = (G & H)

A = Your Income

B = His Income

C = Total

D = Fixed Living Expenses (Mortage, Utilities, Insurance, Food etc)

E = Joint Savings (an amount you both agree upon for something like a vacation, home repairs, boat, whatever fits your fancy)

F = Sub Total

G & H = 2 Equal ammounts

And then G & H are further divided… but done so individually

I & J = Equal Amounts you each agree to put into your Long Term Savings (ie Retirement)


K & L = Is Equal Amounts you both have for Spending as you like

Under this A to L model.  You’ll discover that ALL the money is equally divided, not based on who earns what.  All the bills are paid (D), all the dreams are represented (E), personal needs for Retirement (I & J) are met, and you have money you can spend as you choose (K & L).  And there is no resentment to build, because things are 50/50 thru the entire process… with no one person having access to more money than the other.

If someone chooses to spend all their Retirement Savings foolishly… so be it (sucks but then chances are this is going to be a situation where the relationship is in serious cardiac arrest most likely anyhow… not caring about the future with the other person / long term)

And the nice thing is this model can be continually updated revised… so if someone loses their job, or someone goes on Mat Leave… (income) or baby / child care expenses come along (out going)

Anyhow, that is my theory on how to handle money fairly in a marriage (got this model off a Tv show about money… and in my mind having seen the poor results of the 50/50 equation I am sooo much more onboard with this idea)

Getting a guy you lived with under one model (such as the 50/50 which By The Way I believe CAN WORK when you aren’t married ) to switch over to a more fair one can be a challenge.  Making it happen tho is something I truly believe that a gal should plan for BEFORE moving in… as guys don’t take change well… especially change to money… once they get their hands on it and have become accustomed to a particular way of doing things (more so if this is the first time they’ve ever lived with anyone and shared expenses)

So house & money aside…

As to your relationship.

It could be that he is lazy / dragging his feet.  Or he may just be the guy who is now “comfy”…. “no need to slay any dragons, the princess lives at my castle”

Getting him back out there winning you over may be a task he isn’t willing to take on any more (most guys will avoid dragons when they can)

This is the stage that many refer to as… “Why buy the cow…” (and we all know the rest)

The outcome is such…

He either needs a motivator to move to the next level (pick up his “very shiny” sword)… or you need to leave the castle.

Leaving the castle, he’ll either worry about you and chase you down (“Very shiny” sword in hand) or he’ll let you go… perferring to stay put in his nice warm castle..

Either way you’ll know

And knowing is better than being in limbo, and wasting “your pretty” on someone who doesn’t deserve / appreciate it (as Greg Behrendt says in the Book “He’s Just Not That Into You”… a good read BTW)

I am not a fan of ultimatums.  I am however a BIG FAN of sharing of Life Plans with people… including Boyfriends

It lets them know what you have in mind for YOUR LIFE… whether they are onboard or not (a very self empowering exercise, having a PLAN and knowing where you want to go with your life)

You need to sit him down and say…

I see myself here by the time I am X years old.  And here is MY LIFE PLAN to get there. 

“I want to finish school by A, travel to Y by the time I am B, married by C, here in my career by D, and kiddies by E”

It should be a far reaching plan (you need to have goals beyond Engagement – Marriage – and Children).  Ideally it should be somewhere in the 10 to 15 year mark (not just a 5 year short list)

You put your plan out there… and you listen for his answer (to hear his LIFE PLAN)

Hopefully your two plans will have common elements… and then you guys can agree on a CONCRETE TIMELINE

If the elements don’t jive… or the timeline doesn’t… then you have your answer.

So if 6 months from now, he isn’t “on plan”… then you know it isn’t a priority for him… and being unmarried, unengaged… it could very well be time to leave the castle.

No fuss, no muss… not a lot of tears… just time to go… as there is a bus, train, plane to catch to somewhere your Life Plan is meant to take you.

Hope this helps,

PS… And ya, in your case if the day to exit comes… you won’t be needing a bus, train or plane ticket… cause you’ll be driving a big-ass UHAUL out of town !!


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