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Ok so is anyone else getting this...
From the second we got off our honeymoon we have been getting asked "When are you going to have a baby?" & from EVERYONE. I don't even answer anymore. I am so sick of this question. Like let us enjoy being newlyweds, we don't need to start a family right away. I want kids but not now give us some time, we're young.
It never stops. When your a teenager it's "where's your boyfriend/do you have a boyfriend?".
Then when you got a boyfriend it's "when are you getting married?"
& now that your married "when you going to have a baby?"
I know how you feel! We were being asked at the wedding when we will have babies!
I know how you feel too. I think alot of it comes from people not knowing what to talk about so it seems like a good ice-breaker? Id just let them know, "not for awhile, we want to enjoy being married" and hopefully they will get the hint!
Oh my god. Amen! I'm 22 and we're not even married yet and people are already asking us when we're going to have kids. It annoys me to no end. Hellooo... can I walk down the aisle first??? I don't want to have kids for a few years- again, I'm 22- stop asking! *ripping my hair out* ;)
I totally understand! Just like Rainbow, I'm not even married yet, but people were asking us from the time we got engaged! I always say, "we're focusing on the wedding now, and then we want to enjoy being married for several years before we think about kids". That usually gets the point accross!
@Star- I agree! Aren't we the 2 youngest brides in the history of the 'bee? I have a feeling we'd have a loooot to talk about! I've always wanted an excuse to come to NY... :D
@DecemberBride- I find punching people in the face usually gets the point across, lol, i kid i kid ;)
When we announced our engagement (even the day after) everyone would ask these two questions (ALWAYS): When is the date?? (which, after only being engaged for 24 hours I DON"T KNOW!!) and When are you having kids?? (I'm not even married yet - can't we do that first!?) We now know our date so that one can be answered, but as for the kids: I'm only 23 and still in school. I have another two years left before I can even start work, and honestly, whats the point of getting a degree if the first thing you are going to do with it is let it collect dust when you have a kid. Soooo kids are like 5+ years away for us. People have generally stopped asking as much now since that story started circulating...
I think that's just how it is. The thing I try to do is purposely STOP THE CYCLE! But, it's a natural conversation point.... so try to not take the well meaning conversation filler too personally. Just come up with a auto-response, so you can move past the question!
Yes, all the time! I get to tell the obnoxious ones something they don't expect though -- I'm 24, fiance's 31, and he already has 2 boys and a stepdaughter. I just say "well, since we already have 3, I think we are planning on waiting several years to have another." The looks on their faces are pretty gratifying.
Tell them you haven't even written your thank you cards yet, and maybe that will cool their jets.
And it will never end - so come up with a good answer. I have a good friend who was asked when they were going to have thier next kid ... while she was still in the hospital with a 1 day old. No kidding.
People would ask us and we would tell them that we had just had two miscarriages (which was true). They would get very quiet after that!
Wow...I don't know why people have to ask questions about your fertililty plans! Its so rude and yet, it happens all of the time. I am not looking forward to it. I can't decide wether I want to go with a polite answer or something more snarky.
What I'm trying to understand are families where this is a NORMAL question! My FI gets this question a lot and when it started to bother me, he turned on me and said "Why are you getting all upset about my family's happy conversations? It's a GOOD and happy conversation and you're ruining it with your annoyance."
It seems to be super common for them (for the women to ask HIM when the babies are coming) and it seems to be something happy they iike to talk about. I don't get it AT ALL. I need a sociologist/psychologist to explain this behavior to me.
I didn't grow up around a lot of women, so I don't really know what's common for the bimbos in his family to say, etc. I don't understand what they're trying to convey - are they excited for him to experience parenthood? Is parenthood THAT exciting? Is it a selfish issue because they want grandchildren? Is it a philosophical issue because they want a bigger family? What? is? it?
Oh, I never thought I would get this question, but one night recently my mom got a little tipsy and started hollering for grandkids! I told her she was too young to be a grandma.
I suggest saying "later". Mind your own business, right?
I can't believe that so many people get asked this! We never get asked! Maybe people just know us and how slow we are, haha.
It doesn't bother me. It's no one's business, of course, but it seems like a benign question to which I can give a generic answer. It's not like anyone is telling me to have a baby.
To me it is just newlywed small talk. It's like asking a high school senior where she is going to college. Sure, it is annoying, but it's just what people do. Hardly seems worth it to me to get upset or annoyed when I can just quickly give a vague answer and move on. Why waste my energy caring?
Oh yea, all the time. A lot of my friends already have babies, and my brother has two. EVERY time I see my SIL, she tells me that her boys "need a playmate." It gets pretty annoying after you hear it for the thousandth time...
We had a relative, in their toast at the wedding, tell us they had scoped out our guest room and were excited to stay there when we have a baby!
We tell relatives that we're adding a year every time we get asked. Slightly snarky? Sure. Does it shut them up? Absolutely. His mother hasn't asked since.
Everyone else, we say "We have a dog and a cat. That's really enough for now."
I think I've had one person ask me, and they asked in a cautious, "so have you talked about kids at all"? way. Which was nice, and I didn't mind sharing, but I can definitely see how it can get annoying when everyone is asking.
@karebeartg: That's hilarious - wish I had the nerve to say that.
We get that question all the time too (a relative even told me I should have my body "pregnancy ready" at all times just in case), but usually I shrug it off.
At a friend's wedding last year, the groom's father got a little drunk and during his toast told the bride and groom that if a baby was on the way by Christmas, there'd be a $1000 check in their bank account. He wasn't kidding. I think that's the worst example of it I've seen.
I'm 23. Luckily right now the question seems to be "why are you having such a long enagement" and my answer is because I am tooo young to get married. So we are waiting till I'm 25. But I know the baby question will come right as soon as we get married. And my answer will constantly be "in a decade". Probably wont be a decade, but that answer seems to get people off my back.
I think we all have this issue - generations before us had kids very soon after getting married and so they all think we should too. Women now-a-days can and do have both a career and a family if they want so it's not like you have to start either so early in life. My biggest issue with this was my FMIL, until FI shut her up IN PUBLIC by telling her to 'get off my back' about it. GO FI. Anyways, I have just learned to say "somebody will let you know." Its also not so much my family as it is his because my family is very... "private" I guess? I was always taught that if you needed to know something, somebody would tell you. You don't ask about "private" things (when people decide to have children, when people are going to get married unless they are engaged and want to tell you, etc.) Perhaps this is also why I get so offended and put off when people ask me those sorts of questions - it's none of their business! Oh, and one of my biggest pet peeves - when people touch a woman's belly when she's pregnant, WITHOUT ASKING. At what other time would you touch someone, without asking? Especially someone you might or might not know very well? Never. And this is coming from someone who has never been pregnant, that just irks me. Ok, getting off my soapbox now. :)
Bella
Haha! my FI's Greek family didn't even wait for the wedding! When we annouced the engagement the first thing they asked ME was,"You're going to have babies right away, right?" OMG! What is funnier still is his aunt pulled me aside at another family gathering and in ALL seriousness told me,"You ought to get pregnant right away. Why wait for the wedding? Its a long ways off (over a year at the time) and you shouldn't have to wait! Just stop your birthcontrol and tell him it was an accident!" OMG!!! I told my FI this and he simply doesn't believe she said this to me, but she did! Hahaha...
Sometimes, I think families just get excited about their families expanding and they want it to expand even more! Why settle for 1 new woman in the family, when she could be producing MORE new women!? Heh.
I didn't mind it so much at first. Most of my family had kids right after getting married. Yes I'm young (just turned 22), but my mom already had two kids by that age lol What really got annoying is instead of asking when we're going to have kids, they just flat out tell me I'm pregnant... I know it's mostly a joke, but it's a really, really annoying one now. I posted on my facebook that my foot was hurting (lame status update, I know), but then an aunt of mine told me I was pregnant, and others chimed in. Just leave me alone... Not only that, but it kind of makes me a little bit sad because I know I'm not pregnant. I'd like to be, but we just can't yet (have to finish school, still living with in laws) and it reminds me of all the things we have yet to do, and all the time it's going to take until we're at the point we can say "ok, lets do it! (pun intended :p)" I really, really wish I could be right now, them "hounding" me doesn't help, and I know it's going to be another few years, 2 if we're lucky, but probably longer. And then I get a little bit angry at my mom that she keeps saying stuff like we're going to have a baby within a year and blah blah blah. It's like she wants to jinx me into having a baby during a time that will make hubby's and my life sooooo much harder. ugh. i wish they'd leave me alone about it :(
@ Bella Luna- oh, lady! I am with you on the belly touching issue! If the FI and I decide to have kids, I don't want anyone touching my belly. I enjoy my personal space- probably more that your average person as I rarely even hug my friends. If a stranger touched my belly I would completely flip out. The only people I can see me letting touch my belly would be my fiance and my parents.. maybe my parents. I just don't like people touching me period. Being pregnant is not an excuse for someone to violate my personal space.
It's surely gotten worse and worse for us, especially since younger sister is already pregnant with her second son. Everyone is like, we NEED you to have a lil girl already! We have a wedding to go to tomorrow and I already KNOW we are going to hear that question many times, it's almost like people don't really know what else to ask you sometimes, ya know?
OMG, are you serious? Is that what I should expect after I get married? I know it's going to be worse for me because FH and I are planning on waiting at least 2 years after we get married to start having kids.
Rabbit: That's the only thing I can figure, that it's a family-expanding issue.
I guess it's something I won't understand until I'm a parent... I don't understand what's so great about a bigger family (can you tell I didn't have one?/whatever we did have sucked?) and what the joy associated with it is.
I wish I could. The best I can do is pretend that it's like the joy of being engaged... of making your own little family. Technically, the family of one is increasing by one, so I try to imagine that it's like that.
Other than expanding family happiness and the odd small talk, I have no idea. Especially since my FI didn't see it as small talk - he saw it as actual "happy" talk. Plus it happened when I wasn't around, so, no small talk involved.
We get asked all the time but I have baby fever so I'm more than happy to tell them what names I picked out, when we're having them, etc. I'm borderline How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days where she makes a photo album of their future kids.... I know I have problems. But it is kind of intrusive, I just think it's something to ask a newlywed couple and people don't really think of it like that.
OMG Mr. Bee!
I could see how that would make them quiet...
We got asked last night from some friends that are our age but have been married for a couple of years. In that setting it's fine but if either of our families start aasking I'm going to get upset. Ultimatly it's our decision and ours alone and when we're ready to share with anyone what our timeline is, I'll be sure to let you know.
It's so rude. And nobody's business. Luckily we haven't gotten it too much yet; probably because when we DID get it, I responded with 'what makes you think we're having children at all?'. Soooo that might be why it stopped so quickly. but ya, the few times I got asked about babies was before our wedding even happened.
At Christmas last year, my aunt gestured toward my cousin's son (who was happily playing by himself) and said "B needs some cousins to play with!!" and then stared pointedly at my cousin and me. I was still dating the boy at the time and she wasn't dating anyone. We were both like "TIME OUT!!"
Now that we're engaged, we've only been asked a few times and have managed to make a joke out of it -- because in life, it really never stops. "When are you going to find a nice man/get married/have a baby/have another baby/stop having babies..." Ugh.
That's really awful. My husband and I haven't gotten any of this kind of pressure, not about getting married or about having kids. I could tell when we announced our engagement that there was some "relief" from the parents, but they were all wise enough to keep their mouths shut and let us be while we were dating. That must really put a lot of pressure on people!
@MercedesAshley: I know what you mean about the steps. In highschool if people asked my sisters and I why we didn't have boyfriends my parents (usually my father) would interject that we had much more important things, like getting good grades and going to college, to occupy our time. That usually shut people the hell up. If I was alone when asked that, I would take the lead from my parents and answer the same way. Hehe.
Thankfully we're not getting asked outright yet. So far it's a "hopefully there will be children soon" sort of wistful comments hanging in the air. I think, since we eloped, we scared them all out of asking us directly. They're probably afraid we'll go off and have kids by ourselves and never share the grandchildren!
Oh I usually say I am eight months pregnant right now. Usually they get the hint. LOL
We just bought a house and its been "when are you getting a dog?" Now that we're engaged they want to know about babies. WE don't even know! Its such an insensitive issue to bring up anyway with all the reproductively challenged couples out there. Keep on not answering!! Maybe we'll all get the point across to these people.
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