- 4 years ago
- Wedding: Central Park
So lately I’ve been reading a lot of posts where engaged bees suddenly find out that they and their fiance aren’t as compatible as they thought they were and then start second-guessing the wedding. I just wanted to let all of you waiting bees out there know that before you get engaged you and your SO should be on the same page. When I was waiting I bought a book called “Stop! Things to Know Before you Get Married” or something like that. The book tells you the things that you and your SO have to talk about before you can really agree to spend the rest of your lives together. I’ll outline some of the major issues below:
1. Kids: Do you want kids? Do they want kids? How many? Natural or adoption? What if you end up not being able to have kids naturally? How much money and time will you spend on the quest to have a child if it’s problematic?
2. Money: Are you savers or spenders? Will you combine finances or have separate and a joint? Who pays for what? Will both of you work? How much money will you spend and how much will you save? Is there a spending limit before that person needs permission to buy something you want but don’t need? Who will be in charge of overseeing and balancing finances?
3. Home: Do you want to rent/lease/own? Apartment/Condo/Townhome/House? What’s your dream living arrangement? Where do you want to live for the next 5 years? Do you like to move and see new places or do you want to live in your hometown until you’re old?
4. Retirement: If you haven’t started saving yet you really need to start. What do you plan to do with your life once you’re retired? Do you want to travel around the world or move to Florida and golf? Do you want to move in with family to help raise the grandkids, or be alone together?
5. In-Laws: How much time will you spend with each family group? How will you handle holidays? Who travels to whom? What will you do if both sets of family want you to be in two places at the same time?
6. Religion: Is religion/spirituality important to you? Does one of you like to attend community events like church but the other doesn’t? Do you need your SO to believe in the same things that you do, or vice versa? If you have kids, how will you raise them religiously? How will you celebrate religious holidays?
7. Sex. How often do you like to have sex? Your SO? Is twice a week enough for one but the other wants at least 5 times? Are you willing to be adventurous and try new things? How do you feel about pornography and/or masturbation? If one or both of you is a virgin until marriage then you can’t really answer these things now, but it’s good to think about it at least.
8. Medical: In the event that you can’t speak for yourself how do you want to be treated at a hospital? If you’re in a coma, what do you want to happen? Do you want to be kept alive at all costs? Or is there a poit where you’d want nature to take over? Who gets durable power of attorney until you’re married? Same for your SO. What are their wishes?
You don’t have to talk about everything in one sitting. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t. But you DO need to talk about these issues until you both understand where you stand. You will probably need to compromise on a few of these. But there are some issues where you just can’t compromise. One person has to give up what they want for the other person. You need to find out how important that is to you, how important it is to them, and if you can both live happily with the concession.
Weddings are great, but if the marriage doesn’t work out then what’s the point? Before you get knee deep in wedding planning it’s time to plan the marriage first.