STOP IT! It's just a couple of drinks.

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

Oh wow. What a really insensitive thing for him to say. Is he like this in other areas? “I don’t appreciate comments you make about my weight” “honey, that’s your issue to get over” etc or just this one particular area? Honestly I don’t think I could deal with that, but I know nothing about your history or relationship. Is he open to couples counselling? If so I would at least give it a try. If not, I would be out of there. You don’t deserve that shit. 

Post # 3
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry to tell u this but he’s cheating don’t be so naive .If he hasn’t cheated with this girl already it’s only a matter of time. You need to get this girl out of the picture now and sort out your issues. If he’s not prepared to do that I would be saying goodbye.

Post # 4
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’d bet money he is cheating and the only thing wants is time alone with his girlfriend. It totally sucks and hurts like hell but the sooner you move on, the better you will be. I wish you the best. He is completely wrong either way. Even if for some miracle he isn’t sleeping with this girl, there are still boundaries. Certainly, he is over the line here.

It has been my personal experience that female “friends” are absolutely not good for the marriage, especially when there are “issues”.

Post # 5
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

jessica889 :  He needs to put you first, at the minimum it sounds like he enjoys the attention. That’s not right, he needs to readjust his priorities immediately. 

In the meantime, don’t take his BS about this being your insecurities/issues. Don’t get emotional, be confident and stand your ground. 

Editing: If he continues to defend this friendship, I believe you have a true answer to  how he sees you. The rest is up to you. 

 

Post # 6
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

You’d think he’d be more secretive about it all if he’s actually cheating. So I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion yet. However, maybe that’s his thinking – you wouldn’t suspect cuz he’s not hiding it. How awful. I’m not sure what to make of it.

I agree with a PP – stand your ground and don’t back down. He should respect you more than this. It is hurtful and incredibly disrespectful how he’s purposely doing things that you mention bother you. Repeatedly even. And I don’t think you’re out of line with your requests and concerns. If he keeps it up after you stand your ground I’d discuss separation and counseling with him. I’m sorry, bee

Post # 8
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

Girl, you need to get your head out of the sand. Your husband and so called friend are having an emotional affair, and he is gaslighting you into making you believe you are being unreasonable. It’s only a matter of time before the affair becomes physical. Tell him to knock it off with the texting and insist he goes to marriage counseling with you.

I can’t tell from what you’ve written here. But if he thinks it’s only your problem, he’s deluding himself. In a partnership, your problem becomes your partner’s problem. Maybe it’s down to you to do the heavy-lifting with regards to feeling secure, but it’s his job to support your efforts kindly and compassionately, not undermine them with his “honey” talk.

Post # 10
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

Wow, it amazes me how quick some people are to say “He’s cheating!” “Leave!” This is your marriage and you know your marriage better than anyone. Please don’t jump to conclusions, or let anyone else throw you there, but I would bring this up to him again at a neutral time. Don’t wait until right after he gets home from these events. Talk about it on a weekend or at a less emotionally charged time. You could even start by saying that you’ve been putting a lot of thought in to what he said about his hanging out with women being “your problem”, but that even so, you feel uncomfortable and unsure – don’t let him blow off the conversation and say it’s your problem. If he tries to, tell him that even if it is, you are asking for emotional support from your partner and that you need to discuss this further. He should at the very least respect the fact that he is contributing to your emotional hurt. If he continues to fully dismiss you and avoid the subject, then I think its an issue that warrants counseling. If he balks at that, start by having a few independent counseling sessions on your own and then tell him that the counselor wants him to come as well to help work through the “issue”.

Post # 11
Member
4610 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Eta: sorry I just read this again more clearly, he’s out of line. Big time. I would crash those after dinner drinks maybe. 

Post # 12
Member
475 posts
Helper bee

When you love someone, and something you do is causing them to suffer, you work to find a solution.

If necessary, you quit doing the thing that is causing them to suffer.

You don’t dismiss your loved ones suffering as “their” problem. Love means your loved one’s problems ARE your problems. 

Post # 13
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

why doesnt he just invite you to get drinks with them after work?  problem solved.  Either he isn’t cheating and would be glad to have your befriend her too, or he is cheating/wants to cheat and would have an issue with it.  If he says no to the three of you hanging out, that would be very telling.

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee

Ok… 

He’s not necessarily cheating but is definitely being disrespectful to you. What line of work is he in? I ask this because when I was teaching elementary school we only had maybe three male teachers out of about 70 females.  On the few occasions that we would go out, of course the males would be out numbered big time. I became good friends, and still am good friends, with one particular male. He is incredibly happily married to his wife of 20+ years but we did end up out alone a few times. In addition to teaching, he plays guitar and sings at bars a few nights a week.  There were times I would go to hear him and I would be the only one there (of our friends). We would end up having a few drinks together and talking and laughing and having a great time. There was even a little flirting but we never ever crossed the line. Well, when I was going through my divorce I probably did flirt too much at times (I was lonely and confused) but HE never crossed the line. (to this day I know he has many female friends due to being an elementary school teacher. He is comfortable with women and just gets along with them really well) So yes, it is possible for a man to hang out with a female coworker and not cheat. 

Maybe see if he would be OK with you joining him and his female friend for drinks? On a few occasions my friends wife would join us and it was fun. If he is hesitant about you joining them, then I might be more alarmed. 

Post # 15
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m really surprised there are so many people saying he is cheating. I have/had many a work friend over the years of opposite sex and went to lunch often together. Nothing was going on. My husband would never think to be concerned, nor should he. The opposite is also true for him. However, if I had a spouse that was creating scenarios in their head, I too would tell them it’s their issue to address. I would go with them to counseling, but I’m not going to live my life by some arbitrary rules intheir head. We live a life of trust or we don’t live together at all. And when I say trust, I mean that we trust the other to not do anything regardless of the situation, not just because we say “oh well the onl way I trust you is if you are never around a situation in the first place.”

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