Stopped being friends with someone you were friends with for over 15yrs?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

amanda3334455:  I had a friend for about 7 years and i cut her out of my life eventually because she was the perpetual victim who could never do any wrong and nothing was ever her fault. I eventually got tired of it. My last straw was when a mutual friend was depressed, I had moved 12 hours away for work and I asked her to just see our friend for like an hour just to check in and see she was ok. I got a whole how can you not understand how busy I am and how i dont have time to see anyone.. Followed by the revelation that she had gotten secretly engaged (to the guy who broke up with her at our reception – yes I had to deal with her tears on my wedding day) and then a poor me no-one is ever here for me, how can you not understand and where were you when…. Nevermind the 3 pregnancy scares and numeroous family situations we had seen her through. That was my last straw, told her that I never wanted her to contact me again and deleted her off everything…

She promptly sent my dh a message (obviously thinking he didn’t know the full story) with a poor me i would understand if you stop talking to me to story… He ignored the message, in fact he had been encouraging me to cut the friendship because of how upset it was making me. She had introduced us but in spite of me being sad over losing that, I am so much happier now…

Post # 3
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I have stopped talking to a friend I had for 12 years. Long story. But in the end I guess we just changed, and didn’t have the same views anymore. Sometimes its better for everyone, at the time I was upset but now in a happier person. The relationship was bringing me down and life is to short to be surrounded by negative people. Its hard but you need to do what’s right for you! Good luck with it all.

Post # 4
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

amanda3334455:  yes, I was friends with someone for over 10 years. She was in my wedding and all. I realized after the wedding was over that she was not a true friend. She made so many comments to me during my planning that I let them go, didn’t make a big deal bc I was happy and I thought she doesnt mean that.

let me tell you what she said so you understand why I stopped trying to repair the friendship.

First she said that no one is excited to be a bridesmaid, that hurt my feelings so much. To he a bridesmaid is an honor, and the fact that she thought it was an inconveinece hurt me beyond words.

Another time she was talking about my bridal shower, (which btw, she came up with the idea to throw me one), kept complaining about money and its a big job, I told her at one point to forget about it. My MIL eventually took over.

There were things I found out after the wedding was over through DH and I cpuldnt believe how she behaved. Abd DH told me that he will never speak to her again, her true colors have shown.

After the wedding we hardly spoke. I tried to call her and she would either not answer or barely talk at all. I finally confronted her and she basically told me that she didnt want to be around me bc I was happy and she was not. She was mad at me for not thanking her for her speech (which btw she told she was not doing a speech and I found out she only did one bc the best man told her too, and she was drunk during the speech). She said I yelled at her (I did not bc I didnt see her all night). She was mad bc I didnt finish school (I could not afford to finish and my current job gave me an opportunity, I got lucky). She made it clear she didnt want to hang out with me bc she would make plans with other girls in the group but would always blow me off. We kinda made up, We made some jokes and she said I do have to reach out, but she has not once ever made a phone call to me. Its been so one sided and I am done.

Furthermore, she is an extremly negativd person. I would tell her my plans with DH that we are saving for a house, or we were looking for an apartment thats bigger but we dont want to pay too much in rent and he response “why do you want to buy a house? I never want a house, its too much work” “you will never find an apartment for that kinda money” I couldnt take it. I realized that anytime I told her something I wanted or wanted to do, she always said “you cant do that” and I always accomplished my goals.she was soooo negative i cant have that in my life.

why be friends with someone who obviously doesnt care about you? When your happy they run away. Thats not a friend. Thats a selfish person. 

Is it sad that I lost someone as a friend, absolutely. Its like breaking up with someone. If someone would have told me this 10 years ago that this would happen. I wouldnt have believed them. We were inseperable. But, thigs happen that make you realize that sometimes that they are the perso. You thought they were.


Post # 5
1309 posts
Bumble bee

I am about to drop my oldest and closest friend.  Her religious fantaticism has gotten out of hand.  For a long time she was bearabe, but lately it’s uncomfortable {and boring!} to be around her.  I hate to say it because in the past she was a really wonderful friend, but she has gotten so holier than thou and so public about her faith I am just turned off.

I have tried to talk ot her about it, but I simply get an “I’ll pray for you” in the most condescending tone.

Fine, thanks, but I’m out.


Post # 6
601 posts
Busy bee

I am going through something similar. I have been best friends with this girl for over 17 years been through a lot with her, but lately she’s been super negative about everything. She is going through a lot and I understand that much like the previous poster, she always undermines my happiness with her negativity. It gets really taxing at times and it is always about her feelings and what I have done to her – never mind the hurt that she has caused me. 

I haven’t completely ruled her out yet, it’s hard because even though she has hurt me a lot I still love her, but at the same time I don’t know if I can handle that much negativity and passive agressive bullshit in my life all the time. 

Post # 7
829 posts
Busy bee

First I think you should dig a little deeper into her life, really look thru her facebook page and talk to her about her life. She could be depressed and hiding it, or there could be something serious going on she hasn’t told you about. Is there an alcolholic or abusive, toxic member of her family? She could be unintentionally pushing you away, using negativity to cope with whatever problem she has.

Post # 8
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yes. I actually stopped being friends with someone I had been friends with for exactly 15 years at the time. We had previously taken a friendship “break” of about a year but then became close again. It happened for a lot of reasons, but the primary one was this: she was a very negative presence in my life, did not make me feel good about myself or supported, was not kind to others, and dragged me down when I was with her. It took meeting my current DH for me to see that she was not a good person or a good friend to me–his love for me was so strong that he hated seeing me mistreated by this person, and he had no tolerance for it. His attitude was basically, forget her, you have tons of wonderful friends and none of them make you feel like crap the way she does. And I know I am a happier, healthier person for having her out of my life, but it is very very hard to just write off 15 years of history. I of course remain curious about her and what she is doing, but she seems to still be the same, so I more watch with morbid fascination of her awfulness now. But I think that the test for continuing a friendship is the same as for a romantic relationship: is this person a net positive in my life, do we have more good experiences than bad, do they bring out the best in me? If not, end it. 

Post # 9
653 posts
Busy bee

I recently had to let go a childhood friend of 18 years. We had so many memories and fun times so it was hard, but her selfishness got to the point where it was bringing me down more than lifting me up. I think time doesnt matter if you are unhappy let her go. do what you need to in order to have positive people in your life who love and support you. A little distance never hurt anyone.

Post # 10
1300 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

I lost a friend I met in 7th grade last year.  I am 45 now.  Long story short.  I adopted my daughters as a single parent.   My brother and his ex wife are the biological parents.  CPS became involved and they relinquished their rights.  My girls are both special needs with the youngest being diagnosed autistic. I think their special need status is based on the fact they are drug babies.   My FI thought it best if I only worked part time when I moved into his home a year ago so I could concentrate on my girls’ Dr appointments,  therapy,  etc.  

Come to find it my friend was struggling financially because of a garnishment.   Well, she made a comment about “not having the luxury of being a kept woman” like me. A lot more was said – both ways.  The kicker was that I was after FI’s money.  He made me his beneficiary well before we even became engaged so nothing changes for me financially by getting married.  We both just “want” to be married.  

She was going to be a BM and said since I was so upset she should step down as a BM.  I said considering how you feel about my relationship I think you should too.  Needless to say we couldn’t overcome what was said.  I have forgiven and tried to reach out.  She has not reciprocated.   She has burned through her relationships including her children.  Her son just turned 18 a month ago.  I happened to run into him and his comments was “I made it”.  He has nice moved into his grandparents house and is finishing high school.  

My heart hurts every time I think of her.  Life is definitely calmer without her and her continuous drama.  Yet, I continue to miss my friend. 

ETA:  We weren’t always close in the 33 years I have known her.  We just became BFFs since about 2010.  I called her Lub and she was my lub.

ETA again:  I do believe that people are in your life for a season or a reason.  

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  PinkQueen.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  PinkQueen.
Post # 11
3349 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I let go a friend I had from infancy (yes, our Mothers were friends) after 31 years. We were ‘best friends’ but I had no hesitation when she became toxic of cutting her free.


Post # 12
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

amanda3334455: yes I have. I realized that she and I just had different values and approaches to the world and it was better that we just stopped talking. She never reached out after I went to her wedding so that says it all. 

Everything I know about her, I know from Facebook. It’s just someone that I used to know. 

Post # 13
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

amanda3334455:  yes I have. We were friends for about 18 years. She made a drastic lifestyle change and expected everyone to accept it. Funny the other girls on the group didn’t accept it but she seems OK with them, while for me she cut me off cold turkey, probably because I was closest to her back then. It’s to the point where if I saw her around town we would ignore each other.

It sucks, and just thinking about it now makes me a little sad that our friendship is gone after all those years. We’re both introverted oldest children who are stubborn, so there’s no way in heck its going back to how it used to be. But that’s life, it was fairytale to think all my bffs from school would be there forever. It makes me really take a step back and appreciate who is in my life right now still!

My mom also had an ugly fallout with her lifelong friend. It was sad to see because her “friend” had always been pushy and when my mom tried to finally stand her ground that “friend” kicked my mom to the curb immediately after literally 45 years of friendship. 

If it’s meant to be, they’ll be in your life. If not, there’s far too many other people in the world to meet and not waste your time on your toxic friend.

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