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Probably not much help, but after 10 years, you have every right to nag, lol.
Guys don't generally notice things like that, so if you are feeling fed up and frustrated, the only way he'll ever know is if you tell him.
What about something along the lines of "I've loved the last ____ that we've been together, and am ready to take the next step in our relationship. Do you think you will be ready for that soon?
Then maybe you can come up with a definite timeframe that you are both comfortable with.
I am sorry he hasn't noticed, but guys don't really notice those types of things. It was 10 years for us too, but it was because he would ask me and I would say no, then when I was ready, he wasn't. Finally, last year, I decided I was ready and decided I wouldn't back out this time, so I wrote him a note on April Fool's Day and included it in his lunch. It said: "Do you still want to marry me? Check yes or no." Then I had two check boxes, one with yes and one with no. He checked yes and gave it back to me after he got home from work. A couple days later though, he remembered that it was April Fool's Day and asked me if I was joking. I laughed a little, but told him that I was serious, so that weekend we went to look at engagement rings and found the one, and he proposed to me again in the jewelry store. I still find myself getting cold feet, but I know that he is the one and that we will be very happy spending the rest of our lives together.
Maybe do something like I did. He may think you are perfectly happy the way you are. He may not know that you are ready. Let him know that you are and I am sure everything will fall into place for you.
Dang, 10 years?!*%@$*!!!???????
I have no idea how to bring it to his attention without getting angry. I'd probably fling the promise ring in his face, and tell him to keep it and that the next ring he gives you better be an engagement ring. I'm sorry, I feel your frustration here, but I don't know how to give you any advice. I just hope you can sit down and talk with him calmly, and hopefully he can give you a timeframe that is SOON! *hugs*
10 years is such a long time to invest in someone, and Im sure the thought of doing anything other than just waiting for him to come around is almost if not just as painful as thinking of waiting.
My suggestion is to go out and do things for yourself. Date YOURSELF. Do things you want to do and if he asks just say you are busy doing XYZ....He needs to realize that you arent just there for him to accept whenever he pleases. I would say something like this...
"I love you and our relationship, I feel sad that we arent engaged or married after 10 years...I want a husband and to have kids, I dont want to pressure you into something you arent ready for, you can take as much time as you need to figure things out but you cant have me to yourself..."
NOTICE that i said I want "A" husband not "YOU TO BE MY HUSBAND" or "TO HAVE KIDS WITH YOU"....this CANNOT be about wanting it with him, as hard as that may sound...it has to be what you want...regardless. Everything said is about YOU...it doesnt blame him either, which is what usually starts fights. The conversation could go many ways...but seriously, I think its the best tool you have...all you have to do is stick to it.
I disagree about the statment 'guys dont notice things like that.' I know my FI would notice, but every guy is different.
Personally, I would bring it up in a calm (as calm as you can) manner, put the ring on the table and say "You gave me this promise ring, intending it as a promise. We've been together for X years and I think it is time that we make that promise a reality. Do you envision getting married to me in your future, because in my future, I see that we are happily married. If you don't see this also, maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship."
@rachaelrobin: My FH would know right away, however my mom could paint the house fuscia and my dad would have no idea, so it depends
Initially 10 years sounds like a long time (and it really is), but are we talking 15-25? or 20-30?
It might be time for that hear to heart without accusations about expectations of the NEAR future. And know ahead of time what you are willing to compromise or not on.
10 YEARS!!!!! You are a saint to wait that long and NOT hit him in the head with a frying pan. I have been with my SO for 5 years, I can't imagine what 10 years would be like.
I also stopped wearing my promise ring, he noticed but he didn't ask why. I am prety sure he knows why I have stopped wearing it. I really think you should talk to him about how you are feeling @R.Elliott: said it really well.
I totally commend you for hanging in there!
BF and I have friends that were together 10 years at their wedding. I told him from the day of their wedding (we had been together a few weeks) that there was no way I'd wait as long as she did. So there's a running joke that he'll only make me wait 9 years .. YA RIGHT!!
.....whoah.
Can you give us some more details on you and SO/ the relationship? How old are you? What other factors are there (life situations, school, etc.) contributing to your not being engaged/married?
The reason I ask is because ten years *sounds* like an extremely long time, but say you started "dating" when you were say, 13 years old or something and just stayed together this long. That still puts you at a young age, fresh out of college possibly, etc.
10 years! Please tell me this isn't the first time your're bringing this up! Plus "Promise" ring should mean something!
@littlemissmango: I agree that a little more information is needed. Though 10 years seems to be a long time, regardless.
I am just heartbroken to hear that youve been waiting TEN YEARS!!! But Im also curious as well from what age to what age? How have you been able to deal with that? I cant imagine being in a relationship that long... You must really love him, I hope he realizes that and marries you pronto!
What is 10 years? 13-23? 20-30? 10-20? It really depends on where you are in your life right now. If 10 years was during your adult time, I would be concerned.
Ok, more info - We started dating in college. I was 19 and he was 18. We moved in together right away. Finished collage and got jobs in our field. Took him a year after we graduated. We've traveled a lot since then and have had the greatest times together. I never really worried too much about being married until his brother got married. I guess I just figured that was the order of things. Then after that we both dealt with deaths and issues in our families. Fast forward to now - no excuses anymore!! I have brought up marriage with him but probably not in a constructive way. Need to work on that. He definitely knows that I want to be married so now I just need some advice from you Bees. Thanks so much!!
I wouldn't take him not noticing you arent wearing the promise ring too personally, boys aren't that observant!
I think after 10 years you can just say "Look, are we on the same page?" and let him know you are ready to be married and move on with the next step in your lives.
Well 10 years would put you at 29 and him at 28, he should know by now if you're "the one". Have you asked him what his timetable is for engagement or if there's something he's waiting for to happen first (like finances or something)?
I think that after 10 years, it's time to stop being passive-aggressive and take the bull by the horns. Talk to him about the future--you don't have to ask him for a proposal and he doesn't have to offer one, but you should have an idea of where this is all going.
@Treasure43: There is no reason that I can think of. He must just not value marriage like I do. Which is very weird since his parents are still together.
I would move out if you live together. Only one of 2 things will happen..
First of all, some people (not just guys, but women as well) don't notice stuff like that, I probably wouldn't.
I don't think that giving an ultimatum sounds like a productive thing to do. Why not be direct with him? Tell him that you're ready to get married, ask him to honestly tell you if he's ready or when he thinks he'll be ready, and what the perfect condtions for him to BE ready are, and then work on things together from there.
If he knows you want to be married and he still hasn't proposed aftter 10 years together, I hate to say it but: he's not going to marry you. That's my conclusion based on what you've written thus far, but I admit it could change with some more information. You say you've brought it up before, but not in a good way: can you explain more?
My DH and I dated for 8 years before he proposed. We met when we were both 18. I was ready to get engaged long before he was, and was certainly frustrated sometimes (esp. when other friends/co-workers/etc would get engaged). For our 7 year anniversary, for my gift, I asked for us to set goals and have a conversation about them. Personal goals, goals for us as a couple... to make sure we were supporting each other with personal goals (continuing my masters program, him working to get in shape, etc), as well as making sure we were on the same page with future goals as a couple.
I made my list, and in my "Goals within 1 year" section, I wrote "get engaged". When I showed him my list, I thought he might freak out, but he looked at it and said, "OK, that seems reasonable". A little over a year later, we were engaged and 6 months after that, we were married.
I think it was a good way for me to express my feelings about wanting to be engaged, but setting it in the larger context of the common goals we had for the future (having kids, buying a house, etc) and our own personal goals.
You said that you never really cared about being married before until his brother got married. So it doesn't seem like he would feel like you've been pining away for marriage for ten years. My bf and I have been together for 7 years and we sound like the two of you - great relationship, traveled all over, live together - we don't really see a need to get married because we're already living a married life. Perhaps that's how he feels? We might do it because of the legal beneifts and plus - who doesn't want to put on a big gown and have a party, lol?
So if it's you that's changed over the last 10 years of your relationship from not really caring about marriage to now really wanting to be married I wouldn't get too upset with him. Plus, like you said, you may have approached it in a manner not conducive to happy, romantic feelings in him :) I think you should sit down, realize that you've been happy with this man and had a great time with him for 10 years - and just tell him what it is you want from him and make sure he knows you really mean it. I'm sure after 10 years he knows your the one - sounds like he just doesn't see it like a big deal (I sympathize with that since I'm that way and my parents have been married 46 years). So let him know in a straightforward way that it's become a big deal for you and work together on it. Give him a chance to really hear what you want. Good luck to you!
P.S. - please don't tell him you just 'want a husband'. That's like telling him that your relationship was just a means to an end. Or it's like saying you just need a male human - any male human - to be a husband. That sounds very insulting, to me. You should be wanting to be married to a person, not just married. You should love a specific person so much that you want to be their wife - not just love the idea of being a wife and then find a person to agree. :(
@desertgirl: Well, have you talked to him about it? Do you know if he wants marriage?
After this long, you need to be upfront with him. You shouldn't waste your life with someone who doesn't have the same goals as you. If you are okay with being a girlfriend for the rest of your life then so be it. Some women do live like that and are quite content. If you want to be married, then you need to take control and let him know that it's important to you and get his view too. If he says he's never wanted to get married then you need to make a decision.
Sounds to me like there is a communication break down. You say you didn't care until his brother got married. Well, did your boyfriend know that or did you expect him to read your mind and figure that all of a sudden you care about marriage?
Set a deadline for yourself. Don't give him an ultimatium, but give yourself one. Have the talk with him and if in 6 months he's still not budged, then it's time to cut your losses and move on.
Afte 10 years I think it is time to um... poop... Tell him if he doesnt proprose to you, you are going to start dating, and he can be ONE of the guys you are dating, but you want to get married so you are going to date guys with similar goals.
Have you two had talks about this? It doesn't seem like you have a clear idea of what's going on, maybe a serious heart to heart discussion is in order.
After 10 years your probably already considered married in the state you live. I think that if your ready he should know. When you near your 30's there is no reason to tread lightly when there is need to have a conversation. After that long of a relationship he should know what he wants. If not, might be time for you to rethink about what you want in your life and have a new adventure.
This varies from state to state.
OP, can we get some more information if you're willing?
I would say ***calmly*** have a talk with him about your future, your timeline, etc (and by "your" I mean BOTH of your timelines). It could just be that he is happy with where things are at, and didn't realize you are getting so anxious. What seems incredulous to us can sometimes baffle them. After all, being married is all about communication, and being up front with one another. This is a good place to start!
I think a discussion about the next year's timeline should be had. Ten years is a long time to wait.
@desertgirl: I'm sorry you are feeling so frusterated, but if you have goals that he doesn't share, you need to talk about it. It might be hard not to get angry. But just remember that you love him but you have to accomplish YOUR goals and he needs to decide if he's on board or not.
Good luck!!
Okay, so a lot has been said here but I'm chiming in anyway.
Taking off the promise ring and expecting him to know what that means is a wee bit passive aggressive. I know you don't mean to be, but it can definitely come off that way. So I think that's probably the wrong angle for you to take here. Wear it or don't wear it as you'd like, but it's not a good way to send a message.
Mostly, I just want to say what Miss Sloth said. Please don't give ultimatums. Don't approach the subject in anger. Don't bring it up in a fight or when either of you is upset over something. Choose a nice calm time and approach it matter of factly and without blame. Avoid accusations. Talk about what you want and what he wants and see where they're alike and where they're different.
Most importantly, do not make rash decisions. Do not let anger or disappointment drive you into saying or doing something you might later want to take back. Try to be calm, even though that's not easy.
I get it, not easy advice to follow. I know, and I'm sorry about that. But if you approach him with what he hears as anger, accusations, or ultimatums, he is likely to react in a way that you will not like. (That's a human tendency not a guy thing, for the record.) But please do talk to him. Taking off your ring and waiting for him to notice is not helping either of you. You are going to get angrier the longer he doesn't notice, and you may express that by the time you blow up. And he will not understand what happened and will likely react badly as well. You will feel much better and get better results by calmly discussing the issue before anyone reaches that point.
And no matter what happens, there are a bunch of lovely ladies here willing to support you.
If I were you I would absolutely give him back his promise ring.( well it depends on the meaning of the promise ring I guess) I'd say 'this is supposed to represent a promise that you saw a future in which you take your commitment a step further. Now its been X years, I haven't seen any progress in that direction. We NEED TO TALK!"
Girlie you have to be direct and to the point. After 10 years hoping he gets the little signs isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to step up and have a honest discussion.
Good luck and please do keep us informed, And Welcome to the hive!
Hey Ladies. Thanks for all the comments and advice. It really helps me to get my thoughts together. So the other day I brought up how another year has almost passed with my SO and that I'm feeling upset that my life is not where I thought it would be. I just told him that I want to be married and have children and that I don't know where he stands on that. He basically gave me the dear in the headlights look and tried to avoid the conversation. I told him that I didn't need an answer right now but that I wanted him to think about it. He did say that he is not real happy with his job or happy being here in Phoenix without his family and he knows that I will not leave here. So I'm not sure what he wants yet but at least I got him thinking about it and now I can ask him later if he decided what he wants. After our conversation he was really nice to me trying to get me to cheer up so that was sweet. I think I will give him a month and if he still does not give a straight answer I'm going to have to do something drastic(don't know what that is yet). We are going to Boston and Baltimore this week to see his brother so I hope that we can reaffirm our feelings for each other on our vacation and hopefully being away from work and all that stress will help him to think about our future. Wish me luck.
Is he accurate that you will not be willing to move? In the month you give him to think, I would also think what you are willing to give up or not give up to be with him. If he is not happy in Phoenix and wants to move, are you willing to breakup with him or would you be willing to move? I think that is a conversation that would also need to happen so you both know what is uncompromisable for each of you.
I agree with lefeymw, if he is unhappy with where you a living, you need to decide if you would be willing to move. That could end up being a deal breaker, or whether or not he decides to propose. Good luck.
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I stopped wearing my promise ring because I’m tired of waiting. I was wearing it on my left hand and would get asked occasionally if I was engaged and of course it is always no. Just so tired of it!! I don’t want to nag him but it’s have been 10 yrs!! I figured he would ask me after his older brother got married but that was 3 yrs ago. What’s a good way to bring it up without getting totally mad? I think I’m at the end of my rope!!